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Phil
As Phil walks in to the school toilets he hears a familiar, but out of place sound that stops as soon as the door closes behind him. It’s the sound of someone crying, and it’s coming from the stall to the far left. He stands still for a few seconds, not knowing exactly how to react to the situation. Should he leave?
He decides not to, and instead goes to sit down in the stall next to the only occupied one in the room. Why, he doesn’t know. For a while he just sits there quietly. From the other side of the thin metallic wall that separates the cubicles he hears nothing but the occasional, quiet whimpers. Phil knows that the other person is waiting for him to leave, but he’s not planning to.
“Hey,” Phil begins shortly.
No answer. Not that he really expected any.
“Are… Are you okay?” he asks. Which is ironic, because he knows very well that they aren’t. They were just crying for god’s sake.
Still no answer, aside from a quiet sniffle. But Phil doesn’t think that counts as one.
“I’m guessing you don’t really want to talk about it?”
Silence.
“Figures…”
Phil isn’t sure what to say next. He doesn’t want to leave this person alone, but he doesn’t know how to make them feel better when they won’t say anything.
“Well, I’m just… gonna stay here for a while. I know you probably don’t want me to, but I also know that most times you feel better if you’re not alone… Here, I’ll even plug my earbuds in.”
He fishes a tangled ball of cord out of his front pocket and after untangling the mess that was supposed to be his earphones, plugs them into his phone and ears. Opens his favourite Spotify playlist and hits the ‘shuffle’ button.
Dan
Dan sits quiet while the other boy attempts to talk to him. He wants him to go away. Leave him alone so he can be sad by himself. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Dan realizes that he should probably either just leave, or wait this guy out. And he isn’t too keen on either of them, but he really doesn’t feel like going to class where everybody would be able to see that he had just been crying. He sighs to himself and leans back, not caring that the back of the toilet most likely isn’t very clean.
It’s quiet for a few seconds before the person on the other side of the wall starts humming a melody he recognizes. He perches up and listens for a while before swallowing. His throat closes up and he can feel tears burning behind his eyelids. It’s pathetic, how a song can make him feel so much.
Now the night is coming to an end
The sun will rise, and we will try again
Stay alive, stay alive, for me
The boy sings quietly, not realizing what effect the simple lyrics have on the other person in the room.
Dan curses himself internally for being so weak, but can’t keep a quiet sob from escaping his lips. It’s not fair. That’s his band. It feels like the other boy has stolen something personal from him, even though he knows that music is public and accessible for anybody with an internet connection. It feels weird to him. But that doesn’t make it less emotional, and it doesn’t take long before Dan is crying again. And that’s why he doesn’t notice that the other boy stops singing until there’s a knock on the metallic wall.
“Hey… Please don’t cry,” the other boy says softly, which only causes Dan to whimper, because it feels like this person actually cares about him. And Dan’s not used to that.
“Are you sure you don’t want to tell me about it? I won’t judge you, I promise. Besides, I don’t even know who you are, so it wouldn’t really matter, would it?”
Dan thinks about it for a while and decides that the boy has a point, but he’s still hesitant to spill his soul to a complete stranger. Sure, he’s always wanted somebody who will listen to his twisted thoughts and tell him that he’s okay. Though, he doesn’t have anybody to talk to at all. But should that person really be a stranger? What if this is his only chance? Should he take it? Will anybody ever ask him if he’s okay ever again? His parents don’t care, and he’s not got any friends. Nobody actually knows him. Dan doesn’t know what to do. He so badly wants somebody to listen to him, but he never imagined it would be like this. Should he go for it? Does he want to?
Dan decides that he does. That he does want to take a chance for once. That he wants to open up to somebody for once. It’s just going to be once, he can forget about it as soon as it’s done if he wants to. And the boy is right; they have no idea who the other person is. But it’s quiet now, and Dan doesn’t know how to talk to people. And he thinks that if that other person doesn’t speak soon he will literally implode.
The silence stays for a few more seconds before the boy opens his mouth again.
“Uhm, if you don’t want to, that’s… fine… I’ll just leave then,” the boy says with a hint of sadness in his voice. And Dan wants to say something, but his mouth won’t work with him so he just ends up sitting on the toilet seat quietly, while the door to the stall next to his unlocks and opens. And he tries his best to tell the boy that he does want to talk to him, he just doesn’t know how. He hears footsteps now, and they’re leaving him. It scares him, because it feels like his only chance is leaving him, and it probably is. And he wants to scream.
“Wait.”
Dan’s voice comes out quiet and shaky, but it comes out. And Dan thinks that the boy hears him because the footsteps stop.
“What?”
“Please don’t go,” Dan whispers after taking a deep breath to calm himself down.
The footsteps come back, and Dan can hear the door lock beside him.
“I’m Phil by the way,” the boy says calmly, and Dan has to try several times to speak before he manages to say anything.
“Dan,” he says shortly, because it’s all his throat will allow him.
“Oh, ok. So, Dan, do you want to tell me what’s been going on in your life?” the boy begins and somehow manages to sound both serious and slightly humorous at the same time. “Why were you crying?”
“I-,“ and Dan can’t speak. He hates himself for being so pathetic, but there’s nothing he can do about it, so he just has to deal with it. And even though the silence only lasts a few seconds, it feels like an eternity to him.
“Anything? What’s happened? How do you feel?”
Dan desperately wants to say something, but he can’t. He thinks that he could write on a piece of paper if he had any, but he doesn’t. Besides, he’s awful with words, so it’d only be embarrassing. But then it clicks. He pulls out his phone from his front pocket, opens Spotify, and scrolls until he finds the right song. For a second he hesitates. This might be far-fetched, but he hopes that the boy will understand. And he decides that it’s worth the chance. So that’s why he slides his phone under the wall, into the other stall.
Phil
Phil waits patiently for the other person – Dan, to say something, anything that could help him understand. But there is nothing. At least not until he hears the sound of plastic sliding on floor tiles. He looks down on the floor to where the sound came from, only to see a phone laying there. Slightly confused he picks it up and examines it before noticing that the screen shows a song on Spotify. But before he can click it, the phone automatically locks itself. Phil doesn’t know whether to laugh or facepalm himself.
“Sorry, can you unlock it again? It locked…” he apologizes and slides it back to Dan, who scoffs lightly.
Soon the phone is back in his hand and he doesn’t bother plugging his earphones back in before clicking the song titled ‘Migraine’. He recognizes the band; he’s heard one or two of their songs. But that’s it.
The lyrics give him the feeling that the song means a lot to Dan so he lets it play to the end without interrupting. Both boys sit in silence while the song plays, but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. Mostly because they’re both listening to the music streaming from the phone’s speakers.
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars, behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I’m alone
But I know, we’ve made it this far
kid
“That’s-that… Wow, that actually says a lot…” Phil breathes when the song ends. He feels a bit sad, because there’s a lot of emotion behind this song. And even though Phil knows that’s probably the case, he hopes that’s not how Dan feels. Because Dan deserves to be happy. Everybody does.
They both just sit there for a while without saying anything. And Phil thinks that if he’s ever wanted to make the world a better place, he can do that now. For this boy. Because even if he doesn’t know Dan all that well, he feels like this boy has let him in on something very private, and he can’t just leave him now. He wants Dan to be happy.
“Do you want to show another one?” Phil asks and slides the phone back to Dan under the wall. And in just a few seconds it’s back on his side again. A new song on the screen. This time, Phil actually clicks it before the phone locks itself, and he’s a little bit proud of himself.
Though I’m weak, and beaten down
I’ll slip away, into the sound
The ghost of you, is close to me
I’m inside-out, you’re underneath
The song is titled ‘Goner’, and it actually sounds downright desperate. And this time Phil is the one that wants to cry, because he genuinely cares about people, and he doesn’t want anybody to feel this way.
“Do you listen to…” Phil pauses to read from the screen. “Twenty One Pilots, a lot?” he asks when the song ends.
“Yeah," Dan answers quietly after a few seconds and Phil nods even though he knows Dan can’t see him.
“I’ve heard them before, a few times,” he says calmly and slides Dan’s phone back to him. “They’re good.”
“Dan… Why are you sat in a bathroom stall, instead of talking to your friends?” Phil suddenly asks after a minute or two of silence. And Dan laughs dryly before answering him.
“I don’t have any friends.”
It’s the first thing Dan’s said clearly, and it breaks Phil’s heart that he says it so matter-of-factly, like it should have been obvious.
Dan
“Oh.”
Phil sounds so taken aback and surprised that Dan almost feels bad for him.
“Yeah.”
“Did you ever use to?”
“I did. Once,” Dan answers shortly.
“What happened?”
“I pushed them away.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” Dan now whispers. “I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to see me like this.”
“Oh… But don’t you think they would have listened to you if you wanted their help?”
“I don’t know,” Dan answers, and his voice sounds like it’s going to break at any second.
“What about your parents, then?”
“They don’t… They don’t care.”
And this time Dan’s voice does break and there are tears rolling down his face because it just hurts so much to think about how there’s nobody there for him, and it’s his own fault. But he’s not going to let Phil hear him this time. It’s embarrassing enough that he’s already cried twice when he could hear him.
“I’m sure they do, Dan. Every parent cares about their child,” Phil says with a tone that implies he doesn’t quite believe himself. But Dan appreciates that he’s trying, even though it’s not helping.
“No they don’t," he sniffles, so quietly that Phil probably doesn’t even hear it. At least he hopes that’s the case.
“Don’t you have any siblings or other relatives?” Phil asks, desperately trying to grasp onto any loose threads he can find that would help Dan.
“No.”
“There must be somebody…?”
“You’re the first one who’s ever listened to me…” Dan whispers, his voice once again breaking. Tears dripping from his chin, down onto his shirt.
“Dan…”
Dan hears the door next to him unlock and Phil standing up. Then there’s silence, aside from the sound of Phil’s footsteps.
“Let me in.”
Phil’s voice sounds sad, and Dan kind of wants to. But he’s too scared to even move.
“Please, Dan, let me in.”
And Dan’s crying again, because it feels so metaphorical, but he doesn’t have the will power to stretch his arm out and turn the little clasp on the door. His hands are shaking, and part of him just wants Phil to leave again, stop being nice to him and listening to him, when he’s just going to disappear again as soon as it’s over. Dan just wants him to stay as far away from him as possible, so Dan can’t hurt him, like he does to everybody else.
“Please.”
Dan’s voice is shaky and quiet, and he’s so desperate. But Phil’s been so nice to him already, and Dan can’t let himself ruin him too. He can’t think clearly. It’s like everything is moving too fast, and he can’t concentrate on anything but the horrible feeling in his chest. His breathing is all too rapid and his tears are staining his shirt and jeans. And he can barely hold his phone when his hands are shaking like this. He can hear that Phil’s saying something, but he can’t hear the words. And he’s so scared.
And then he can no longer hear Phil. Maybe he’s left. Dan hopes so, even though he wants him to be here so badly. He hopes, so that as soon as he’s calmed down he can forget about all this and just move on.
But then there’s sound again, and it’s familiar, but Dan can’t place it just yet. It’s coming from outside the bathroom stall, and it must be Phil playing it from his phone. Dan’s still not sure what it is, but it makes him feel a tiny bit safer. His breathing is slowing down, and he can hear Phil’s voice again. And that familiar sound is beginning to get a grasp in his head.
“Dan, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
Phil’s voice sounds muffled, but Dan can make out the words now. And he’s beginning to make sense of that other sound too. It’s music. He knows that much. It’s music. Music that he knows. If he could just concentrate on that sound, maybe he’ll be able to place it. He’s trying so hard to listen, but it’s so distracting when his hands are shaking like they’re freezing cold and he can’t feel his face. But he’s trying. God is he trying.
And as the familiarity of the sound calms him down gradually, he’s beginning to understand. That’s a Twenty One Pilots song. It’s one of the first songs he heard by them. He can hear the words now, and he’s slowly rocking from side to side with his eyes closed now, quietly humming along.
Oh, miss believer, my pretty weeper
Your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftops
Please, take my hand, we’re in foreign land
As we travel through snow, together we go
When the song ends and a new one starts, Dan is nearly back to normal, but his hands are still shaking a bit, and he’s a little bit dizzy. But he manages to reach his arm out, and unclasp the lock on the door before returning to his curled-up position on the toilet seat.
Phil
Phil hears the door unlock in front of him and pauses the music before pushing the thin, metallic door open. The first thing he sees is Dan’s chocolate brown hair, and then his tear stained face that’s red from crying. Even though the boy looks as if he’s pretty tall, he appears so small and vulnerable. He stands still in the doorway while studying the boy in front of him. Dan isn’t looking at him, he’s busy wiping his face with the arms of his sweater, but Phil is only looking at Dan. And when he turns his head towards Phil, he can’t stop himself from getting down on his knees on the dirty bathroom floor and putting his arms around the boy. Dan stiffens up at first, but melts into the hug and lets Phil pull him down from the toilet so that he’s almost sitting in his lap. It would have been awkward if there hadn’t been so much emotion involved in the hug.
Phil’s arms are holding Dan tightly and Dan’s crying against Phil’s chest. But this time it’s okay, because he’s safe now. Dan’s hair smells of lavender, which would probably be considered a “feminine” scent, but Phil just finds it endearing. And the sound of Dan’s muffled sobs makes Phil want to protect him from all the horrible things in this world, but all he can do is stroke Dan’s back and tell him that it’s going to be okay.
He lets Dan cry against him until the sobs turn into quiet whimpers and the boy sits up by himself. And it’s not until now that Phil can see his whole face. His lips are a shade of peachy pink that Phil doesn’t think he’s seen before, and his cheeks are full of tiny, cute freckles. But it’s Dan’s eyes that catch his attention. They’re a bit red from crying, but they’re almost the same chocolate-y brown as his hair, except they look warmer. Phil can’t tell what makes them different from other brown eyes, but they feel like home to him. That’s the best way he can describe it. And Phil doesn’t know what makes Dan special, but he’s one of the cutest people he’s ever met.
“You ok?” Phil asks, looking seriously at Dan.
“Yeah,” he nods and wipes his nose with the back of his hand.
“So… Is there any particular reason why you’re so sad, Dan?”
“No- I don’t know, really…”
“It’s okay, Dan. You can tell me if you want to.”
“It’s not… Well… It’s pretty ridiculous, but I guess, there’s not really a reason.. It’s just the way it is,” Dan mumbles, not looking up from the ground.
“And what about your parents?” Phil asks, stroking Dan’s arm slowly to comfort him. “What makes you think they don’t care?”
“They don’t. They just… argue, all the time, and yell at me. And they never ask me about my day, or how I’m doing. But, I mean, that’s fine. It’s not that bad.”
Phil doesn’t answer him, instead he pulls the boy against him again and holds him for a little while.
“Are you sure you don’t have any friends or anything at all?” Phil asks after letting go of the boy again.
“Haven’t talked to them for months,” Dan states.
Phil sits quiet for a while, thinking about how a person can be so lonely. Dan seems so convinced that there’s nobody out there that would listen to him. And Phil knows that there’s no way for him to know if that’s the truth or not, but it doesn’t really matter.
“Give me your phone,” Phil demands in a soft tone and holds his hand out for Dan to place it in.
Dan just looks at Phil weirdly, but unlocks the phone and gives it to him when he flashes an encouraging smile at Dan. Phil opens up the short contact list on Dan’s phone and clicks ‘new contact’ before adding his own number under the name ‘AmazingPhil’. And then hands it back to Dan.
“Call me anytime you need to talk. It doesn’t matter if it’s 3am. I’ll answer,” Phil says like it’s no big deal, because it isn’t, to him.
“Phil you really don’t need to,” Dan objects, but Phil can see that he’s grateful for his offer.
“No, it’s okay. I want to.”
“But, why?”
“You said you don’t have any friends.”
Dan nods slowly. “Yeah, I did…”
“Then I’ll be your friend,” Phil says and flashes Dan a determined smile before standing up.
“That sounds really cheesy, Phil,” Dan scoffs and half smiles.
Phil holds his hand out to Dan, who hesitates for a second before taking his hand and dragging himself with his help.
“Does it matter?”