Work Text:
Dan sighed to himself as he sunk his head down onto the table and tried to focus on what was being said at the front of the classroom. His teacher talked away in a monotonous sounding voice that was just daring him to fall asleep. If the teacher couldn’t seem at least a little bit engaged in what he was talking about, how could Dan be expected to be interested? It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair.
Dan couldn’t think of anything more boring than physics. And his teacher’s engaging voice certainly wasn’t helping his already pretty bad grade. But he just couldn’t help it. He wasn’t interested.
A clicking sound caught his attention and willed him to turn his head towards the door. It swung open and three teenage boys walked into the room, laughing and discussing loudly.
“Matthew, Joshua, and Philip; you’re late and you’re disturbing the class,” the teacher exclaimed in an annoyed voice.
“Okay,” one of them, the boy named Philip, answered in a calm tone and sat down beside his friends, continuing the conversation only slightly quieter. The teacher, obviously used to their behaviour, just shook his head before, to Dan’s disappointment, continuing the lesson. Although, Dan’s attention was now focused elsewhere. More precisely on a boy three rows behind him. Philip, or Phil as he preferred to be called, was the typical “badboy” and one of the most popular guys in school. And usually wouldn’t be Dan’s type, but Phil was incredibly attractive in his eyes, and it wasn’t like he could just stop thinking that. It was just a fact.
The fact that he had made a fake twitter profile to follow him without getting recognized was another thing. Nobody could blame him though, he wasn’t exactly the most popular person, but people could still recognize him. And Dan didn’t want that kind of anxiety. It was easier just pretending to be somebody else. Besides, it wasn’t like he was hurting anybody.
“Hey mate, I heard you dumped Alice.”
A voice caught Dan’s attention, bringing him back to reality. It sounded like Josh.
“Yeah. She was fucking cheating on me for like three months.”
That was Phil’s voice. He had broken up with his girlfriend?
Dan smirked to himself. He felt a bit bad for Phil, but he’d never liked Alice anyway. She’d always felt fake to him. And look at how right he had been.
“Man, how didn’t you notice?”
Matt.
“I could finger your girlfriend sitting right beside you and you wouldn’t notice a thing! Don’t fucking start,” Phil exclaimed aggressively.
Dan didn’t need to hear more. Phil had broken up with his cheating girlfriend, and was single. This was great.
Not that Dan would just make a move on him, that he was way too shy for. But he had another idea in mind.
-
Dan flopped down onto his bed and snatched his phone from the back pocket in his jeans. Smiling in anticipation to himself as he opened twitter. He couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity to get Phil’s attention.
He quickly logged onto twitter under the name “Amanda Lilly” and clicked his way to Phil’s profile. The name was a mix of a character from a book and one of his aunts, and the profile picture he’d taken from some semi-famous, aesthetic Instagram account. There was no chance anybody would find it out unless they did some serious digging. But why would they?
Gossip spread fast in schools like his, and considering Phil hadn’t exactly been talking quietly about it earlier. So it wouldn’t be weird for somebody to know about it without being told personally by Phil. Besides, even if it would be weird, it wasn’t like anybody would know it was him, so it didn’t feel nearly as awkward as it would have. The feeling of not being held personally responsible for being a weirdo, really eased his anxiety over talking to people too. If anything went wrong, he could just leave, and nobody would find out.
He clicked the little DM button on Phil’s profile and started typing out his message. This would be the first time he ever spoke to Phil Lester. Not that Phil would know. But still.
He took a deep breath and hit the “send” button.
@amandaLilly
Hey, I heard you broke up with your girlfriend
Just wanted to make sure you’re okay :)
04/22/16, 4:37 PM
After sending the message, Dan clicked out of the app, closed it, locked his phone, and threw it to the other side of his bed, anxiously waiting for a reply. He knew it was kind of stupid to expect Phil to answer instantly, but still.
It took 15 minutes for his phone to finally light up with a notification. New DM. Dan nervously unlocked his phone and read the message.
@amazingphil
uh yeah
how did you know?
02/22/16, 4:53 PM
It only took Dan about two seconds to write his reply. But he stopped himself right before sending it. If he answered instantly, would Phil think he was desperate? He decided not to send the message yet. Instead he waited six agonizingly slow minutes.
@amandaLilly
Oh I just heard somebody talking about it
04/22/16, 4:59 PM
That was a believable lie.
Or well, it wasn’t even a lie. He had heard them talking about it.
@amazingphil
yeah well im not interested in a new relationship right now
04/22/16, 5:06 PM@amandaLilly
Oh, I didn’t mean anything like that
seriously, I just got out of a relationship myself
04/22/16, 5:11 PM
That was a lie. But that didn’t matter; it wasn’t like he was trying to seduce the guy. He just wanted to get to know him a bit.
@amazingphil
well in that case, im sorry
04/22/16, 5:14 PM@amandaLilly
nah it’s fine
the guy was a douchebag anyways
we only dated for like a month
04/22/16, 5:19 PM@amazingphil
huh
what did he do?
04/22/16, 5:22 PM
Dan absentmindedly bit his lip. This needed a believable story. He decided to go for a safe bet.
@amandaLilly
cheated on me with two different girls during the whole relationship
found him half naked with one of them in his bed
that was a nice surprise
04/22/16, 5:24 PM@amazingphil
well that sucks
what a dick
04/22/16, 5:26 PM@amandaLilly
yeah
what about your girlfriend?
04/22/16, 5:28 PM@amazingphil
she slept with some dude at a party last Friday
probably done it before
04/22/16, 5:31 PM@amandaLilly
ouch
guess we got something in common then
04/22/16, 5:33 PM@amazingphil
yeah haha
04/22/16, 5:34 PM
Dan wasn’t sure how to continue the conversation from here. He really wanted to, but he just wasn’t that good at talking to people.
Fortunately for him, he didn’t need to think about it for long before his phone lit up again about a minute later.
@amazingphil
So
why don’t you like tell me a bit about yourself?
04/22/16, 5:35 PM
Shit.
@amandaLilly
what, like my age and where I live and what I like to do?
04/22/16, 5:36 PM@amazingphil
yeah lol
04/22/16, 5:36 PM@amandaLilly
that’s boring.
I’d much rather talk about the meaning of life or your favourite childhood memory or something like that
04/22/16, 5:37 PM
Dan could’ve just made something up, but it felt too risky. Besides, he would much rather talk about something like that.
@amazingphil
alright then
what’s your favourite childhood memory?
04/22/16, 5:38 PM
Dan had to put his phone down for a second. Should he make something up? Or would it be better to just tell the truth? He wasn’t sure, but he’d much rather be as honest as possible, ironically enough.
@amandaLilly
playing with my brother in our treehouse
we used to live like in the middle of nowhere and it was great
04/22/16, 5:41 PM@amazingphil
that’s really cool
I’ve always wanted a treehouse haha
04/22/16, 5:42 PM@amandaLilly
haha
your turn
what’s your favourite childhood memory?
04/22/16, 5:43 PM@amazingphil
my mom and dad and I used to go out with our boat on the weekends
they’re divorced now, so that doesn’t happen anymore
04/22/16, 5:44 PM@amandaLilly
awh I’m so sorry to hear that
04/22/16, 5:44 PM@amazingphil
that’s alright
it’s a long time ago
04/22/16, 5:44 PM@amandaLilly
well
what’s your favourite thing about yourself?
04/22/16, 5:45 PM@amazingphil
what?
I don’t fucking know
04/22/16, 5:45 PM@amandaLilly
oh come on
just something you like about yourself then
04/22/16, 5:46 PM@amazingphil
uh
I guess I like being tall?
04/22/16, 5:48 PM@amandaLilly
see
that wasn’t so hard
04/22/16, 5:48 PM
Dan spent the rest of the evening talking to Phil about all kinds of random crap. He found out that Phil had a dog named Suzy, and that his favourite sound was the sound that pencils make when you sharpen them. Dan’s was snow creaking when you walk on it. He liked talking about things like that. It made him feel like he got to know Phil better than if they were talking about school or something.
Dan had always been like that; preferred deeper subjects to shallow small talk. It just didn’t appeal to him. But on the other hand, talking at all, mostly didn’t appeal to him. His brother was an exception. And so was Phil.
-
The next day Dan saw Phil four times. He knew, because he counted them. And every time he did, he felt like he was full of soap bubbles trying to get out and popping all the time.
Phil had always sparked his interest, but he’d never really been more than a pretty face. But now that Dan had actually talked to him for real, he seemed like so much more than just a popular boy with a great body. And oh god did Dan want to know more about him.
-
@amandaLilly
Do you think teachers hate school as much as students do?
04/25/16, 12:34 PM
Dan sent the message before sitting down in his chair in math class. He’d just spent an hour listening to his teacher going on about globalisation, while looking like she’d rather be dead than in that class.
Phil walked into the classroom just a few seconds later, and Dan got this barely noticeable feeling of guilt. Deep down he knew what caused it and why, but he didn’t want to think about it. So instead he just pushed it to the back of his mind. He shouldn’t worry about that, it was harmless.
He watched Phil sit down at the back of the classroom and pick his phone up from the corner of his eye. A few seconds later, Dan’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he silently thanked himself for turning off the sound earlier, and to be extra careful; he waited a few seconds before picking up his own phone and reading the message, not wanting Phil to make any connections.
@amazingphil
yeah probably
but I mean at least they get paid for it
04/25/16, 12:56 PM@amandaLilly
True
Man, when I’m done with school I’m never coming back
04/25/16, 12:38 PM@amazingphil
yeah
well I have math now so I gotta go ugh
04/25/16, 12:39 PM@amandaLilly
I take it you don’t like math?
I actually think it’s okay
ttyl
04/25/16, 12:39 PM
Just as Dan sent the message their teacher walked in, and everybody in the room simultaneously quieted down and put their phones away.
-
@amazingphil
I uh actually kind of don’t mind it either. It’s just like it’s imprinted in our brains that we should hate it, and I guess you never really think about it, and you don’t want to admit it to your friends because they’ll think you’re weird
04/25/16, 1:46 PM@amandaLilly
yeah I get it
04/25/16, 1:48 PM
Dan actually didn’t get it. He’d never really had friends like that. He preferred to stay by himself, so there had never been any reason to worry about being made fun of. Why would you even hang out with people who didn’t accept you like you were? That didn’t sound like great friends to him.
On the other hand, there were many social oddities that Dan didn’t understand, and this was just one of them. But it didn’t bother him too much. Sure, he wasn’t the kind of person who liked big groups of people or to want popularity, but he’d always wanted a genuine friend. Not the fake or half-assed kind; a real friend. Somebody who would be there for him, and somebody he could be there for. He’d always wanted to know what that was like. But there’d never been anybody like that. Besides, if he ever met somebody like that, he’d be way too anxious to talk to them, so it didn’t matter.
-
@amazingphil
hey
how old are you?
I know you said you thought talking about this was boring, but I’m genuinely curious :)
04/27/16, 4:39 PM@amandaLilly
I’m 16
and you?
04/27/16, 4:43 PM@amazingphil
just turned 17 like a few months back
04/27/16, 4:45 PM
-
@amandaLilly
hey do you like scented candles?
04/30/16, 12:23 PM@amazingphil
uh yeah
why do you ask?
04/30/16, 12:26 PM@amandaLilly
I’m looking at scented candles and I was curious :)
04/30/16, 12:27 PM
-
@amazingphil
did you know that when whales mate there’s a third whale holding them up
06/04/16, 3:21 AM
-
@amandaLilly
hey
what was your childhood dream?
05/09/16, 2:46 PM@amazingphil
ok so
I wanted to be a firetruck
05/09/16, 2:47 PM@amandaLilly
omg that’s adorable
05/09/16, 2:47 PM
-
@amazingphil
oh my god I just saw the cutest dog
05/13/16, 3:15 PM
-
@amazingphil
hey, you don’t happen to have skype or?
05/15/16, 1:24 PM
Shit. Shit shit shit. How the fuck was he supposed to get out of this situation? He’d gotten fairly close to Phil the last three weeks, which wouldn’t be a problem, if he hadn’t been lying about who he was for the whole time. To Phil he wasn’t Dan. He was Amanda. And Amanda was a girl. With a high pitched voice and a feminine face. Dan was… Well, Dan was a boy. Tall and lanky and, not a girl.
@amandaLilly
no, I don’t really use skype, sorry :(
05/15/16, 1:31 PM@amazingphil
aw that’s a shame
05/15/16, 1:33 PM
Dan felt bad for lying, but what choice did he have?
-
@amazingphil
hey can I hvae ur number
05/21/16, 2:24 AM
What? No. He definitely could not have Dan’s number. That would blow his cover and cause him so much trouble. No.
@amandaLilly
what? Phil it’s in the middle of the night. I can’t talk on the phone.
05/21/16, 2:27 AM@amazingphil
pleasse :)) I like you
05/21/16, 2:28 AM@amandaLilly
what?
Why are you awake? What are you doing Phil?
05/21/16, 2:28 AM@amazingphil
partyy :DDD
05/21/16, 2:29 AM@amandaLilly
oh my god Phil are you drunk?
05/21/16, 2:29 AM@amazingphil
maybe
caan I have youre number?
05/21/16, 2:30 AM@amandaLilly
no Phil
you can’t have my number at 2:30 in the morning
especially not when you’re drunk!
05/21/16, 2:31 AM@amazingphil
but I like youu :((
05/21/16, 2:31 AM@amandaLilly
phil I really need to go to bed
05/21/16, 2:31 AM@amazingphil
like a lot
05/21/16, 2:32 AM@amazingphil
I really do :(
but I wass scared 2 tell
05/21/16, 2:32 AM@amandaLilly
oh
05/21/16, 2:37 AM
-
Dan sat down in his chair in history class. It was Tuesday morning and he hadn’t talked to Phil since Saturday night. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t know what to say.
Had Phil meant what he said? Or was it just the alcohol speaking? And if he had meant it, Dan was in big trouble, because Amanda didn’t even exist.
For the first time, he really regretted the whole thing. He shouldn’t have ever made that account. It had been a stupid idea. And now he’d dug himself into a hole he didn’t know how to get out.
How would he even handle the situation? He could tell Phil the truth, but then he’d hate him forever. Or he could just abandon the whole thing and pretend like it never happened, but that’d hurt Phil. How could he ever have been so stupid!?
He was too caught up in his thoughts to realize the teacher had walked in and started talking until he heard his name.
“I’m sorry what?” he asked quietly.
“You’re working with Philip on this group project.”
Oh. Oh no.
Before Dan had the time to prepare, Phil turned a chair around and sat down in front of him. Just like that. It felt so blunt. Dan blinked a few times and tried to calm himself down. Phil didn’t know anything about him. He didn’t know that the boy in front of him had been talking to him for a month as another person. It was fine. He’d just have to keep quiet about it. Easy, he did that all the time anyways.
Neither of them said anything. Dan because he wasn’t really the type to talk to people and because he was nervous, and Phil because he had picked up his phone and was fiddling with that. It was awkward to say the least, but Phil didn’t seem to care at all.
Dan didn’t know what to say. Not that he really cared for history, but still. If they wanted to get anything done they should start working on it.
“Uh…” he mumbled in an attempt to catch Phil’s attention.
“Hang on, just a second.” Phil held his finger up as he typed something on his phone.
As he promised, just a few seconds later he locked it and put it on the table.
*beep beep*
Dan absentmindedly reached for his phone and unlocked it before realizing the seriousness of the situation.
On his screen was a preview of a twitter direct message.
@amazingphil
hey, sorry for not re…
Oh.
Oh.
Oh no.
He looked up from his phone and nervously focused his eyes on Phil, who was looking at him with a mix of confusion and mistrust.
“Dan… Can I see your phone?” Phil spoke calmly, and Dan was having a hard time thinking clearly.
“Uh, w-no. Why? No,” he stuttered and attempted to put his phone away, but Phil managed to snatch it from his hand before he even had the time to lock it.
Dan swallowed.
“What the fuck!?” Phil yelled after a few seconds of reading, without looking up from the screen.
“What the fuck, Dan?!” this time he looked straight at Dan.
He didn’t know where to go. Didn’t know what to say or do to get out of the situation. Tears were burning behind his eyes and he felt like throwing up.
“I…”
Dan’s brain stopped functioning at all. He stood up and grabbed the phone from Phil’s hand.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before turning around and stumbling out of the room as fast as he could.
He didn’t stop. He just continued walking quickly towards the exit, staring blankly in front of him. The only thing he needed right now was to get as far away from Phil as possible, it didn’t matter where, just as long as it was somewhere else. He just walked, out of the building and down the street.
-
It was about 15 minutes later and Dan found himself just inside his own front door. It was so quiet, but that was fine. Dan liked it when the house was quiet. He slowly climbed the stairs and walked into his room. It wasn’t until the door closed behind him and he sat down on his bed that he realized there were tears rolling down his face. He wiped them off, but they just kept coming.
How had he fucked up so badly? Why did he let it go so far? Why did he have to be so fucking stupid?
He wiped his nose with the back of his hand before picking his phone up.
New Twitter Direct Message
Oh.
@amazingphil
Dan what the fuck is going on?
05/24/16, 12:32 PM@amazingphil
What the fuck do you mean you’re sorry?!
05/24/16, 12:33 PM@amazingphil
you better have a real good explanation for this shit
05/24/16, 12:33 PM@amazingphil
we need to talk
05/24/16, 12:36 PM@amazingphil
Where the fuck are you?
05/24/16, 12:39 PM@amazingphil
stop being such a pussy
05/24/16, 12:43 PM
Dan took a shaky breath. He wanted to just leave it and ignore it forever, but he’d still have to face Phil in school, and Dan didn’t think he could take that.
@amandaLilly
I told you, I’m sorry
05/24/16, 12:47 PM
It didn’t take long for Phil to answer him.
@amazingphil
Well “sorry” doesn’t fucking change anything.
You lied to me for a full month. You pretended to be somebody else for a month.
What the fuck Dan?
05/24/16, 12:48 PM@amandaLilly
I don’t know what else to say Phil
05/24/16, 12:50 PM@amazingphil
I trusted you. I told you things I wouldn’t just tell anybody. I liked you. And it was all just a fucking lie!?
05/24/16, 12:51 PM@amandaLilly
I’m still the same person
05/24/16, 12:51 PM@amazingphil
No you’re not! I can’t trust anything you say. I can’t know how much of what you said was lies. You can’t just come here and tell me you’re the same person and expect me to just forgive you
05/24/16, 12:52 PM@amandaLilly
Phil I really don’t know what to say
05/24/16, 12:53 PM@amazingphil
I just want answers Dan. Why did you do it?
05/24/16, 12:54 PM@amandaLilly
Phil I don’t really want to…
05/24/16, 12:55 PM
It was stupid, but he really didn’t want Phil, after all this, to know that he had a crush on him.
@amazingphil
okay. Shut up. You don’t get to want anything.
You lied to me about everything for a month. I deserve to know
05/24/16, 12:56 PM
Dan knew Phil was right. It just hurt. It felt humiliating. Although, that was probably what Phil was feeling right now.
@amandaLilly
I already told you, not all of it was a lie.
05/24/16, 12:57 PM@amazingphil
stop avoiding the question.
why did you do it?
05/24/16, 12:58 PM
Dan bit his lip and took a deep breath. Here goes.
@amandaLilly
I did it because I like you and I was too shy to talk to you myself. And hiding behind somebody else made it feel less like I’d embarrass myself. Which was stupid. I’m stupid and I should just keep staying away from people like I’ve always done.
05/24/16, 1:00 PM@amazingphil
Yes. You probably should.
05/24/16, 1:01 PM
That hurt.
Dan hadn’t expected Phil to be so blunt. But on the other hand, he deserved it. He deserved that, and so much more. He’d been a dick, and he’d hurt Phil’s feelings. My god, could he be any more pathetic?
-
Dan didn’t go to school the next day. He said he was sick. Hoping to forget about his problems for just a day or two.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work out.
@amazingphil
you know, it really hurts
to get to know somebody and talk to them non-stop for a month
only to find out that they’re just some fucking weirdo pretending to be somebody else
05/25/16, 11:46 AM@amandaLilly
I’m sorry. I really am sorry. There’s nothing else I can say. I am so sorry Phil.
05/25/11:53 AM@amazingphil
well it doesn’t feel any fucking better
05/25/16, 11:54 AM
Dan logged out of the fake twitter account, and onto his own. He didn’t want to see any more.
-
On Friday Dan’s mom made him go even though he was protesting, saying he felt ill. He pulled an old hoodie and a pair of black jeans on. Didn’t want people to notice him. And then he walked to school.
It wasn’t as bad as he had feared, at least not the first few hours. But then he was walking through a corridor when he bumped in to somebody.
“Hey watch it, gayboy!”
Dan flinched at the comment. Nobody had ever called him anything like that before. Nobody even knew about his sexuality aside from his family, so it didn’t make sense for them to call him that.
He recognized the three boys in front of him, he’d seen them with Phil quite a few times. They were troublemakers, to say the least, and Dan didn’t want anything to do with them.
“Hey guys, do you think he has a crush on me?” the same tall, blond boy laughed, looking down on him. His name was Matt, Dan remembered.
“Can I just get past?” Dan sighed, hiding how anxious he actually felt.
“What? So you can go catfish me like a fucking creep? Wouldn’t think so,” Matt snapped, and it clicked in Dan’s head.
Phil. Of course Phil had told them. He’d been stupid to think he wouldn’t. Dan couldn’t blame him though. This was his own fault, so he just had to deal with the consequences of his actions.
“What? You’re not gonna say anything?”
Matt was getting closer, making Dan a lot more uncomfortable. He anxiously bit his lips, refusing to look up from the floor. He had nothing to say.
“Fucking freak,” the boy in front of him muttered quietly before walking past him, making sure to shove him out of his way, causing Dan to loose footing and dropping his books.
At least that was over. Not that Dan thought it would be the last time he had an encounter like that. Besides, it was his own fault; he just had to endure it.
-
He had been right about it not being a one-time thing. Every time he crossed paths with any of Phil’s friends, they’d blurt out something rude or homophobic. But he never heard Phil say anything. The few times Phil had actually been there, he’d just stared blankly at Dan.
Dan could handle it though. It wasn’t like it really hurt. They were just stupid people throwing shit at somebody they didn’t even know. And he deserved it anyway. So he dealt with it.
What he hadn’t accounted for, was that the harassment would go from verbal to physical. There was an instance where Matt shoved him against a locker, growling in his face.
“Say it!”
Dan felt Matt’s spit hitting his face, and there were tears forming in his eyes. He refused to even look at the other. But that only earned him being slammed against the cold metal of the locker again.
He held out for maybe five minutes when Matt punched him in his stomach and he yelped in pain before giving in and whispering what they wanted to hear.
“I’m a faggot.”
“Damn right you are, you fucking freak.”
And that was it. They laughed and somebody high fived somebody else, and then they left Dan on the floor. Crying and clutching his stomach. He felt so humiliated, but on a level, he knew he deserved it. He was a disgusting human being.
He lay there for a few minutes before getting up. There was no point in going to class again now, so instead he just walked home.
-
It wasn’t uncommon for similar things to happen to him every now and then after that. He just had to get used to it.
After all, it was his own fault he was in this mess. And even though the bruises on his body were caused by somebody else, he had been the one who triggered it. Because he was a coward and a liar, and he’d hurt the feelings of somebody he cared about.
And you couldn’t expect sympathy for getting covered in dirt when you dug yourself into the hole.
Not that anybody really cared for Dan anyways.
-
So that’s why he was surprised when his phone lit up with a new twitter DM,
He didn’t have more than 50 followers, and they were all just random people who had followed him for no apparent reason, and none of them ever messaged him. And not one of them was somebody he’d ever seen in real life.
When he unlocked his phone, the name that appeared on the top of his screen read “@amazingphil”.
Dan froze up. Why the fuck had Phil messaged him, on his own twitter account? How had he even found him?
He didn’t think he could handle any more of Phil being angry at him. He didn’t want to. But he still read the message.
@amazingphil
I really need to talk to you Dan
06/18/16, 7:46 PM
Dan didn’t know what to feel.
That really hadn’t been what he expected.
@danisnotonfire
uh, yeah, sure
but how did you even find my account?
06/18/16, 7:48 PM
He wanted to say no, but he was in no position to refuse talking to Phil. And maybe he wanted to talk to Phil, just a little bit.
@amazingphil
that’s not important right now
I just need to talk to you
06/18/16, 7:48 PM@amazingphil
I just
fuck
06/18/16, 7:48 PM@amazingphil
Can I call you?
06/18/16, 7:48 PM
Dan swallowed. He definitely did not like talking on the phone. It just felt awkward and horrible and he always said the wrong things.
@danisnotonfire
I uh, I don’t know…
I don’t really like phone calls
06/18/16, 7:49 PM@amazingphil
please
you don’t even have to say anything
Just listen to me
06/18/16, 7:29 PM@danisnotonfire
fine
here’s my number
07949 543234
06/18/16, 7:30 PM
Dan sat back on his bed, anxiously tapping his fingers on his leg. It only took about a minute before his phone lit up and started vibrating with a call from an unknown number. He took a deep breath, and slid his thumb across the screen to answer.
“Hey,” Phil greeted, clearly nervous about this.
“Hi.”
“So, I… I really need to apologise to you, Dan.”
Phil? Apologise to Dan? Why? There was absolutely no reason for him to apologise.
“What? Why?”
“I, uh, kind of told my friends about… What happened… And well, they aren’t exactly the nicest people and they’re really homophobic, and they just took it way too far. And now look at you. They treat you like absolute crap, and I feel horrible about it,” Phil stated with a hint of regret in his voice.
Dan had already figured out that Phil had told them, but it just seemed weird for him to blame himself. First of all, Dan had gotten himself into this mess. And secondly, Dan had been weird and it wasn’t unexpected for Phil to gossip about it. Besides, since when did he even care about Dan?
“What, wait, no. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s not like you can control them or their actions.”
“I know, but I told them, and now they’re doing this. And I just stand by and watch them. Honestly, I’m a coward, and I’m so sorry, Dan. I really am.”
Dan didn’t know what to say. They both just sat there quietly for a while, listening to each other’s breathing. It wasn’t like they’d done something like this before.
“Phil. You couldn’t have known they’d act like this. Don’t blame yourself,” Dan spoke suddenly.
“But I could. I did. I knew they wouldn’t be nice, because they aren’t nice people. I knew, and that’s why I told them. Because I was hurt and I guess I thought it’d feel better if they hurt you in return. But it didn’t and I just felt like shit about it instead.”
Dan took a deep breath.
“I lied to you, Phil. I can’t help feel like I kind of deserve it. It was a really shitty thing to do, and if anybody here should apologise it should be me.”
“I want to tell you not to, but you’re right. It was a pretty shitty thing to do. And so was telling my friends so that they would hurt you… I think we both owe each other an apology…”
“Yeah… I’m sorry, Phil.”
“I’m sorry, Dan.”
Silence again.
“Hey, can I ask you something?” it was Dan who spoke first.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
“Why do you hang out with those guys if you don’t think they’re nice?”
“I… It’s kind of complicated, to be honest…”
“Phil, I think we’re past the point of ‘complicated’.”
“Yeah, I suppose we are.” Phil cleared his throat. “So, I never really had any friends before I moved here. People didn’t like me, and I felt pretty shit. So when I moved here it was a fresh start for me. I wanted to be normal, and accepted. So I suppose I kind of adopted a “new” personality, and then when school started, they just kind of started inviting me to hang out with them. And for the first time I actually fit in somewhere. I was never fully myself around them, but I told myself it was okay, because I had actual friends. And after time, people just started accepting me as part of that gang. And I accepted that that was the role I had been given. And even at times when I was unhappy with the situation, I told myself that it was too late to change, because people already saw me as this mean, popular guy, and reputations are hard to change. So I just dealt with it.
People are actually afraid of me, Dan.”
“I’m a-I was afraid of you. That’s why I… Yeah…”
“I’m not a mean person, Dan,” Phil said quietly, his voice breaking at the end.
“I know, Phil. But you don’t have to hang out with those guys, you know.”
“Yeah, I know, I just… Everybody sees me as one of them, and there’s no way I could just stop being around them. I can’t handle being alone again.”
Dan swallowed.
“You wouldn’t have to be alone.”
“I don’t have any other friends, Dan.”
That hurt. Not that Dan could blame him, they weren’t exactly friends. But still.
“I-I meant… I only lied about my name, you know.”
“I know what you meant, Dan. And I want to believe you. But I can’t. Not when I’m so used to people being fake. Even me. I can’t risk it. I can’t be around you. I’m not ready for that kind of thing.”
“Because I’m gay and I have a crush on you?” Dan asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
“No… Or, yes, but not for the reason you think.”
“What do you mean?”
“I…” Phil paused and breathed for a second. “I’m bisexual, Dan.”
“Oh… But I don’t understand why that would change anything.”
“I can’t risk being around you, only to find out that you aren’t the person you say you are. I can’t risk ending up alone again.”
“Phil, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
“I can’t believe you’re so blind, Dan,” Phil chuckled, half-heartedly. “Let me clarify. I fell in love with Amanda, only to find out that she was this guy in my class, and I was really angry, until I realized I was being a hypocrite, and I was hurting somebody, to protect myself from being hurt for the same reason. And on top of it all I’ve had a crush on this fucking dude for a year.”
“I…“ Dan blurted out, looking for words.
“I’m not done.
And this would seem like the perfect situation. This guy that I’ve liked for such a long time turns out to like me back. And for once I can choose to do something that would make me happy. But I can’t because in the end, this guy lied to me and I can’t risk being with him, when there’s a possibility he’s not who I want to believe he is. Because I would end up alone, and I’m fucking done with that.” Phil almost yells at the end, and he sounds like he’s about to cry. And all Dan wants to do is hold him, because he had no idea that Phil – the tough, popular boy – would be such a sad person.
“Phil, I swear nothing else was fake,” he whispers, trying to keep his voice steady.
“You have no idea how much I want to believe you, Dan. But as much as it hurts to say it, I just can’t trust that you won’t change.”
They both sit in silence for a few minutes. Dan doesn’t know how to feel. Because he’s talking to Phil. The real Phil. Phil who’s never fit in anywhere. Just like Dan. Phil, who’s been hiding his sexuality to protect himself. Just like Dan. Phil, who’s had a crush on Dan for a year, but can’t trust him. Because Dan lied to him.
Dan lied. And he wanted to make it right.
“Phil… I can’t offer much more than this, and I know it’s not enough, but I promise, that if you’d let me, I’d stay with you.” he pauses. This feels way too cheesy for his liking, but if he wants to help Phil, maybe he just needs to deal with it. “I can’t give you anything more than my word, and I don’t know if that’s worth anything to you, but I promise you, this is the real me. And if you need me to, I’ll be there for you. I want to fix this, Phil.”
“Dan, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I can do that.”
“We can take it slow, don’t worry about it. I’m not asking you to change your whole life right now. I just want to spend a little more time with you. And we’ll see where it leads… Would y-would you let me try to make things right?” Dan so badly wanted things to be okay. He wanted Phil to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, he could help him, just a little bit.
For a minute, all Dan could hear over the line was Phil’s breathing. Slightly jagged, but still there.
“I…” Phil paused and took a deep breath. “Okay.”