Work Text:
Hmm, the pier, the sea, the smell of salt water. I've never loved the ocean, he said quietly, but you've always loved
It was their Sunday routine, just like the pancakes in the morning, he always made these pancakes for her. It was her pancakes and it was his favorite thing to do. To look at her stealthily while he was making the dough, to steal glances at her while he was frying them, and she was telling some absolutely ridiculous stories and distracting him by hugging him from behind. He dramatically accused her of distraction, but they both knew he loved it the most.
At that moment, these little moments, everything seemed so natural and right, it felt as if everything was in its place, where it should be, it felt as if time had stopped in their house and only the two of them existed. They ate pancakes and drank coffee, discussed plans for the day, but always ended their day at the pier.
---------
She loved the pier. The sound of colliding waves, the happy sound coming from Kojo somewhere nearby, the joyful sounds of children running away from the tide and the feeling of warmth inside her from such quiet and peaceful evenings. Evenings when the world stops around them. There's no work, no calls, and no crimes, just the two of them.
She loved the smell of the salty ocean, the incredible sunset views. How far away on the horizon the sun was setting somewhere over the ocean, plunging everything around into darkness, casting the last rays of the sun until it was completely hidden. As the wind increased, forcing her to sink deeper into Tim's arms, he hugged her even more and surrounded her with his presence, as he buried his face deeper into her and he was just there, and the calm sound of his heart soothed her, even when there was chaos all around.
It was unbelievable, she thought, how just his presence calmed the storm in her heart and stopped the crazy flow of thoughts in her head.
- Thank you, she said
- For what? Tim asked
- For being here, even though you don't like the ocean
- Always, he replied, maybe I don't love it as much as I used to
- Really? She said with a small smirk on the tips of her lips, and who caused it?
He didn't say anything, just smiled slightly and kissed her.
A kiss that said everything, everything that cannot be expressed in words even if you try to. A gentle, soothing kiss that spreads warmth deep inside and promises everything in the world and even a little bit more.
-------
It was getting darker and the wind was getting stronger. A bone-chilling wind. Tim knew it was going to rain today, it was the middle of October after all. It's going to rain soon, he said softly, as if someone had to answer him.
But there was silence in response, deafening silence. No one answered.
The wind was getting stronger, howling and carrying Tim back into his memories.
He loved these moments so much. It didn't matter where they were, as long as they were together. He held her tighter, and everything around them seemed different, the air was different.
It felt like he was wrapped in a warmth and tenderness he had never experienced before. It felt foreign, but with each passing moment, it felt more familiar and right, as if it was exactly where it should be, as if he had finally found home.
Tim turned his head and saw only an empty spot. Just like every Sunday. Of every month.
It hurts, coming here every time, it hurts so much. But he couldn't help it, it was their thing. Spend the sunset here, enjoying the silence and each other.
It wasn't a deafening silence, it was an absorbing silence, inviting with its warmth and promise. And that makes it even more painful.
---
It's been 10 years already
A familiar voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
I knew I'd find you here, Angela said.
Tim looked at her with a small smile and only made some kind of sound, either a whisper or a sigh.
They were just silent for a while and no one dared to speak.
Angela still works at LAPD, but Tim couldn't work there anymore.
He couldn't accept the thought that he wouldn't see her there anymore, wouldn't see her among the officers, wouldn't hear a briefing from her as a senior sergeant, wouldn't be able to give her a cup of coffee with vegetable milk, wouldn't hear her whisper something very cheeky in his ear or her teasing him during the day, wouldn't see her smile through the office, or her voice over the radio saying she is code four. He was never able to enter it anymore.
She loved the pier, Angela said softly. Tim just nodded, unable to find the strength to respond.
So much has happened in 10 years, she continued. He just nodded again. And silence followed then.
I was so happy, he said quietly, I never thought I could.
I see her everywhere I go.
----
You'll never get over her, Angela said. It wasn't a question. They both knew. Tim didn't say anything, didn't have to.
Most of all, she thinks he doesn't want to. They were it for each other.
It so rarely, she thinks, when you can find your person and when you do you stick with them. But sometimes, sometimes all the dreams, everything you have planned never going to happen. No matter how you want it or deserve it.
It's so unfair, the echo in her mind, they didn't have much time, but they deserved it the most.
Her heart ached for Tim, he deserves to be happy, after everything that happens with him, everything he'd been through
It's so unfair, words echoed in her mind.
----
The smile, he barely said, it was more like a whisper. Her smile. The smile that could light up the entire room, he said more firmly. A dry chuckle escaped his lips.
He thought about her, and picture of her come up on his mind. It hurts, it hurts so much.
He thought about the way she looked at him. She had a look that made his heart ache in the best possible way, as if she had cough the moon. He felt whole. But now it was just a memory.
The lump in his throat grew to an incredible size. It was difficult to breathe. His chest felt too small for his heart. And he just gave in, he lost the battle with tears.
Tim was lost in his thought again. Every time he replays the same event in his head, what if. What if he had answered that call earlier? Then she wouldn't have been halfway there, then she wouldn't have gotten in an accident. Then she would have survived. It was an accident, a car accident. She got into an accident while driving to a call.
Tim remembers that day minute by minute, remembers how he was told that he needed to come to the hospital. He remembers how they told him what had happened. She died before paramedics arrived, they tried to resuscitate her, but it was too late.
He remembers how his life stopped at that moment.
He remembers being led to her bed, where she lay. He took her hand, so lifeless and cold. He squeezed it tightly, as if it could awaken her, as if the warmth of his hands could make her heart beat again.
It was the moment when everything inside him broke.
Please, he said, begging her to come back to him. Please, he said again, his voice breaking, tears streaming down his cheek, a flow he could not stop even if he wanted to, don't leave me.
But there was only silence in response. She would not hear again, and he would not hear her. He won't see her smile, he won't make her tea anymore, and he won't hug her tightly after a long shift. He won't fall asleep next to her on the couch or wake up with her in his arms. They won't go to the park with Kojo or try ice cream at the new food truck.
He ran his fingers across her cheek one last time, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
He kissed her forehead one last time and said quietly I'll find you in the next life, Lucy, I'll never stop looking for you
That day everything was taken from him. His love, his partner, his best friend, his soulmate.
----
Angela's voice pulled him out of his thoughts again.
She would like you to move on, Angela said again, she would like you to keep living and find happiness
At first Tim didn't say anything, just looked at her.
I can't, he said in a trembling voice.. I..I look for her in every face, in every person I meet. I am still waiting for her to open the door. Every morning I try to find her next to me, put my arm around her waist and kiss her shoulder, but she's not there. Just cold sheets. She's gone. His mouth dry, a knot in his throat
This place, this pier, this bench reminds me of her, of how happy we were and how much we had planned, he said after took himself under control
Angela gently squeezed his hand, sadly smiled at him. He smiled back.
And silence again. A silence that is terrifying to break.
---
He doesn't understand why he's still here. He'd thought about it so many times.
He still doesn't understand how he survived the funeral. Everyone was there, everyone who loved her, who treasured her. Tim doesn't remember much, it all seemed so surreal. It's like a very long nightmare. He remembers the speeches, remembers how she was immersed in the ground and how he saw her for the last time. He remembers the wake, remembers how everyone expressed their condolences to him. He remembers that aching pain in his chest. It’s never gone. It’s still here. He remembers being told that time heals. But the truth is that it doesn't heal, you learn to live on by accepting this pain. But this pain doesn't go away, it's a hole in your heart and you can't patch it up.
He remembers the day after the funeral, he remembers how quiet and dark it was in their house. Their. It was as if the life had disappeared with her. He lost everything that day, he lost himself.
----
- Have you thought about it? Angela's voice reminds him she's still here.
- Yes, Tim replied dryly.
There wasn't even a need to specify what she was asking about, he knew that.
She would be disappointed in me, Tim replied, as if answering her question, which she did not dare to ask. She would be disappointed in me, he said again.
She looked at him, she thought, for the last time.
Yeah, he said and smile at her.
She knows that smile, it was her smile. He only smiles like that when he sees her or thinks about her. She knows he's lost in his thoughts.
Please, take care of yourself, Tim, Angela said, gently squeezed his shoulder and left him
---
It started to rain, Tim knew it was going to rain today. But he didn't budge.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard her laugh again, so clear and lively, as if promising so much and even more. It's one of the rare things that still makes him smile. Her laughter coming from the corners of his mind.
He turned his head, but there was no one there. He just said softly I'll find you, Lucy, I'll never stop looking for you …