Chapter Text
Your eyes drifted down across the table as Phenomaman pulled his chair back and sat down. Probing with your eyes for a moment while he stood to stare at his crotch, your social training kicking in as the urge to avert your eyes trying to take hold. But then you remembered you were looking at someone who thinks it’s appropriate kiss strangers.
So you feasted your eyes on the most….perfectly normal bulge you had ever seen.
You weren’t a connoisseur or anything but it was just…regular. Kind of disappointing really because you had wanted it to be a little… superhuman.
But that’s kind of why you were here wasn’t it?
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Robert strolled up to your table after inviting you out with the promise of tacos and an offer you couldn’t turn down. You were hoping that it was dog sitting or something. But for such a boring guy, Robert had a weird way of attracting the most insane situations.
So over some very sub par tacos and shitty pitcher drinks you chatted and soon a normal conversation about work slowly descended into the real reason Robert wanted to see you.
“Listen, just hear me out and save any questions for the end. I’m just coming from a purely noble perspective.”
You groaned.
“Is it the suit? I told you already, I can do a couple hundred dollars but you promised you would go to therapy before doing any more suit stuff.”
Robert held his hand up as he took a deep swig of his drink. “No, no nothing like that I just have this.. I guess friend from work.” He shifted in the booth, leaning to grab his phone from his pocket, swiping quickly until he found what he was looking for. He hesitated for a moment before handing it over.
You gingerly took Robert’s cracked phone, adjusting the privacy screen until you saw the picture.
“Hell no.”
“Hold on. Just wait and let me explain. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately.”
“Robert I do not want anything to do with Phenomaman.” You had heard enough of him from commercials and the news. But Robert was still speaking.
“-he’s an ok guy and he’s so depressed after his breakup-“
“Robert.”
“And I think it would be really, really healthy for him to just try a date with a normal human you know, because in his last relationship he had issues separating being a superhero with being a person.-“
“I don’t like where this is going.”
“-And you’re such a nice, caring, giving, person he really needs something like that right now.”
“Why does this conversation have a tinge of guilt tainting your allegedly ‘pure and noble’ intentions.” You said with air quotes.
Robert sat back in the booth, the pleather squeaking under him as he thought about how to word what he wanted to say.
“I maybe…kissed his girlfriend while they were dating which might have been one of the triggering factors of their breakup.” The words tumbled from his mouth so quickly like he was hoping you wouldn’t hear him.
You cringed. “Robert what the fuck?”
He gulped down the margarita in his glass. “First of all I didn’t know, I apologized and Phenomaman has forgiven me.”
“Ok… I’m happy for you and your new best friend…so why am I here eating the worst chips and dip I have ever had in my life.”
“There’s another….factor… to the breakup….Phenomaman told me that they were…incompatible.” His voice lowered to barely a whisper like he was sharing top secret information.
“Uh, Duh, they broke up Robbo.” You snorted before taking a bite of taco.
Robert leaned in closely, still whispering. “He’s incompatible…with humans..like in the way that you think. And I feel like if you guys were to hit it off.. you’re the best equipped person to handle that.”
Oh.
So that’s why you were here. You date a few not so human individuals and now Robert was dragging you into some mess like you were a contractor fixing a fucked up furnace. You should have been offended but you found yourself being a little more interested in Phenomaman.
You sipped your drink slowly, tasting the alcohol on your tongue, swirling it around slowly to torture Robert like you were really thinking about it.
“Mmm, I’m a little offended that you treat me like some on call monster fucker. But out of curiosity…how incompatible are we talking here?”
Robert inhaled deeply, making you raise your eyebrows in anticipation, he steeled himself and leaned in so you leaned in, mirroring him. The anticipation was growing to a fever pitch.
“I don’t know.” He said quickly before retreating to his plate to shovel food down his throat.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” You raised your voice as Robert shushed you. “You invite me here, you beg me to pay, you tease me with the promise of alien penis and you pull the rug up from under my feet.”
Robert choked on his food slightly, looking around to see if anyone else was listening, “Do you want me to lie to you? This is a little bit more complicated than just ‘oh I think he’s big’ he’s an alien. We might not even be able to fathom what’s in there… but I at least know that it….you know…goes out.” He whispered the last part.
You didn’t want to know how he knew that but you couldn’t deny that it sealed the deal for you.
“I’ll fathom it.”
Robert looked up at you, sauce coming down his chin. “You’ll do it?”
“I will, I give you my word that I will commit to whatever I find under his pants. Not because I’m a good person but because I will never, ever, waste a perfectly good penis like appendage.”
“Thank you so much.” He sighed with relief. “Just, please do not think of this as you having to sleep with him, it’s just a few dates and if you guys hit it off.. you’re better for him… than you know-…” he trailed off.
You laughed. “Not a freak?”
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So that’s how you found yourself sitting across the table at a plasticy restaurant chain, shoving your fried appetizer back and forth on the plate.
“Blonde Blazer often enjoys these chain style establishments. She said they remind her of her childhood.”
You mentally checked the running tab of ex girlfriend name drops. Phenomaman was sitting at a generally egregious five mentions. Which was usually a dealbreaker, but you were unfortunately slightly more motivated than usual to keep the “spark” alive.
“Is there anything else about Blonde Blazer that you would like to share before they bring us the entrees?”
Phenomaman thought for a moment, his bloodshot eyes scanned the room like he was searching for help. Robert had said that he was depressed but this was something else, his skin was pale, his face was dishevelled and unshaven. He looked nothing like the cheesy commercials that he awkwardly fumbled his way through.
You escaped from your thoughts to see Phenomaman staring at you with his dead little eyes, waiting for you to pay attention to him.
“She greatly enjoys the brownie fudge sundae.”
You nodded while taking a bite of food. “What wonderful taste she must have.” You deadpanned.
Phenomaman sighed, he started mirroring your shifting of food. “I must apologize. This is rude of me… I am still very…focused on Blonde Blazer, though it has been some time since she left me. I have been told that is unhealthy.”
He sounded so sincere, like his anecdotes about Blonde Blazer and her various quirks were a nervous tic that he just couldn’t control. It was making you feel…feelings, besides annoyance. Perhaps empathy? Anticipatory horniness? It was hard to tell those two emotions were so similar.
The waiter came at that moment to drop off your entrees, Phenomaman deflated in his seat slightly, presumably because he wanted to tell you that the fajita platter he ordered was Blonde Blazer’s favourite. But he refrained because he was trying to behave.
“It’s fine.” You said once the waiter had left. Which made Phenomaman perk up slightly. “I’ve been there it’s hard to move on from a relationship.”
Phenomaman nodded while he picked at his sizzling plate, “I heard you guys were having issues.” You tried to seem casual like you just happened to think of that.
You let what you said hang in the air while you ate, watching for his reaction. He took a large bite of beef and vegetables, face contorting. You might have thought that the food was bad but you knew better.
“I thought the relationship was going exceedingly well, she disagreed. She had stated her concerns of our incompatibilities and asked to ‘break up’” he said the words like he was sadly quoting her.
Phenomaman shovelled another bite into his mouth watching you as you nodded thoughtfully and responded. “Robert told me about your disagreements with being a superhero and regu-“
“Along with her concerns regarding my genitals.”
Oh, ok that was happening now. You were actually about to be nice and tell him all about how difficult it is to navigate relationships and different expectations and that he tried his best, probably. But since he wanted to talk genitals, who were you to say no. You would have to tread carefully not to spook him, just get tidbits of information.
“Oh really? Oh gosh?? Wow, I didn’t know anything about that? I mean I’m certain it is perfect normal and nicely shaped?” You wanted to punch yourself for your shitty acting where you were phrasing everything like a question.
Phenomaman smiled quickly.
“Thank you.” He gushed, his voice filled with as much emotion as he could muster. “But I fear I am incompatible with your human genitals. Blonde Blazer was very clear regarding that topic.”
“Pfft… I mean..What exactly did she say because there is a big difference between like ‘incompatible’ and personal preference. Please be detailed as possible….so I can…understand you.” You said in your best therapist voice.
You expected him to balk and be vague but as you were quickly learning that wasn’t really his thing.
Phenomaman sighed deeply and pushed his plate away, the sizzling died down to a sad little whisper. “Blonde Blazer was very apprehensive regarding my pheromones.”
Your eyes bulged, Phenomaman picked up on your reaction and withdrew from your gaze slightly. “Don’t be embarrassed or anything I’m just really trying to pay attention, please go on.”
He stalled for a moment, deep in thought as he considered what to say. You leaned across the table to place your hand over his.
“I’m here for you.” You said, urging him on with a cloyingly sweet tone.
Still bashful he continued. “She was concerned of the effects. They enhance sexual response during intercourse and increase mutual bonding. Blonde Blazer was concerned that her or I would become dependant on the pheromones. In fact, a less powerful version currently runs through my body, so she is correct as usual. It is the most likely cause of my lingering thoughts.”
“That is such a reasonable concern. Not just anyone would be into something like that.” your voice was hollow, thinking about it made you lightheaded.
“And the size, it’s larger than the appendages of your human men though similar in shape. I must also make mention of the many concentric rings and engorged papules along the shaft which are meant to stimulate my partner. They were deemed rather ‘intimidating’”
“Mhm” your mouth was watering. “Very educational.” You felt like you were being hypnotized, were you breathing in those pheromones?
“She was also disturbed by the ‘head’ as you call it. The shape is meant to prevent leakage of my seed, which also contains chemicals to prepare the mate for many, many occasions of intercourse for hours until I am finished.”
“How’s everything tasting guys?” Came the chipper voice of the waitress.
“Great, please leave.” You said airily, waving her off as your eyes were locked into the man slumping across from you dejectedly.
That settled it you would buy Robert whatever he wanted when this date was over.
“Phenomaman. Can I just say something?”
He nodded but didn’t respond.
“I don’t think you’re incompatible with genitals, I think you were just incompatible with Blonde Blazer.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, though it does me little good. I fear my urges remain unmet much like on my home planet as everyone found me unbearably disgusting.”
A tiny string of drool escaped from your lips.
“Would you like to come to my place for coffee?”