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When Hoshi woke up his eyes felt heavy and his head was fuzzy. He was teetering on the edge of slipping, and he knew he needed to slip because he hadn’t in a while and it was getting to him. He felt restless and stressed on good days, and exhausted and overwhelmed on bad days. He knew it was his body’s way of saying that he needed to escape from reality and regress for at least a little bit so that he could get the proper rest and relaxation that he desperately needed.
They had a few days off since they had been working extra hard these past few weeks preparing for comeback season, and they needed a break if they were going to have a comeback. So, he grabbed his favorite tiger plushie, named Tam-Tam, and he hugs it tight to his chest until the fuzzy feeling fully envelops him and he finally slips.
Once he’s fully regressed, he carefully climbs out of his bed and goes to find his Appa, Seungcheol, so that he can help him change, get breakfast, and hopefully play some. But when he left his room and wandered to the living room looking for his Appa, he found him but he was wrapped up playing with Joshua, while Hannie-Hyung was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
“Appa,” He called, but Seungcheol didn’t seem to hear his little voice.
“Appa!”He called again, a little louder this time. But still nothing, his voice was drowned out by the sound of the cartoon playing on the TV and Seungcheol and Joshua playing with blocks.
His smile slowly slipped from his face as his Appa still paid him no mind. So, instead he went to find his other Hyungies to help him. But what he ended up finding was only more disappointment as his other favorite Hyungie, minus his Appa, was nowhere in the dorm. It turns out that Jihoon had gone to work in the studio, but Little Hoshi didn’t know that. So he again moved on and to the next Hyung to help him out.
Sadly, again all he found was disappointment as his other Hyungs and Dongsaengs were either still sleeping, regressed, or helping with the other Littles, and they also paid him no mind. He felt helpless and lost without his Appa or Hyungies. He could feel tears pricking his eyes, but he knew that tears wouldn’t do him any good as it would only get him scolded if he woke up or upset the other littles. So, he stifled his tears and held back his sniffles.
Instead he just returned to his room with tears in his eyes and his head hung. He didn’t know exactly how he felt as he was only little, but he knew that he hated the pain in his chest that came with the loneliness that he felt. And before he knew it, the fuzzy and content feeling that had enveloped him had vanished and he returned to his big headspace. Sadly, the little amount that he regressed only ended up in him feeling even more stressed, depressed, and exhausted.
But he couldn’t regress again now because he had been forced out of the little space due to his big feelings, and the fact that none of his Hyungies or Appa were available to care for or even play with him. He just put Tam-Tam back on his bed as he headed back out to see if he could be of any use elsewhere to get his mind off how he was feeling.
“Morning Hyung,” He said as he walked into the kitchen and found Jeonghan cooking breakfast for everyone.
“Morning Soonie! How are you?”
Just that little question and nickname had him on the verge of tears with how he wanted to spill and tell Jeonghan exactly how he was feeling, but he couldn’t put that on him now. Plus he felt like there was a lump in his throat blocking him from spilling anything that he actually wanted to.
So, instead he just settled on a simple,”Fine Hyung. How are you?”.
“Good! Breakfast will be ready soon. Seungcheol and Joshua are playing in the living room if you want to join them”.
“Oh, ok. Do you need any help Hyung?”
“No, I think I’ve got it. It’ll be done soon. Why don’t you go play with Joshua and Cheol?”
“I’m not really in the mood to play right now, Hyung-”.
The nickname almost slipped out, but he swallowed it down before it could escape. Jeonghan would know that he was on the verge of slipping, again, if he had called him Hyungie because he only called them that when he was little, and he definitely wasn’t little right now. He was a functioning adult that could handle his problems like said adult. He didn’t need plushies, toys, and comfy clothes to help him get over or at least let go of the stress that was plaguing him like a dark cloud. He could handle it on his own without any of those things and he would be perfectly fine, just like any other adult his age. He just needed to push through the fuzzy feeling that hung onto the edges of his subconsciousness, and get the rest and relaxation that he needed through other means.
Maybe he could take a nap, or a warm shower, that would probably help him relax and release some of the stress and tension that he was holding in his body. Or maybe he could go for a run or play games with some of the other members, that would also help him and the other members relax.
“Well, since breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes, can you get everyone else please?”
“Of course, Hyung”.
“Thank you, Soonie”.
He then headed off to find the other members. Which wasn’t hard as they were either in their rooms still sleeping, in the living room with Joshua and Cheol, or in the Little’s Playroom with the other Littles. And soon enough, he had found all of the other members and informed them of breakfast time, except for Jihoon, who wasn’t in the dorm. So he headed back to the kitchen to question Jeonghan.
“Hyung? Where’s Jihoon?”
“He’s at the studio this morning”.
“But we have time off. Why is he working?”
“He said he had something he needed to finish before he could rest”.
“Can’t it wait? We finally have a break and he’s still working”.
“Sounds familiar doesn’t it, Hoshi?”
“What are you talking about-”
But he cut himself off because he realized that Jeonghan was right. That did sound familiar. He tended to overwork himself, including practicing even when they had time off. So really he couldn’t complain because he did it himself, all the time.
“But still, he needs a break. He works so hard”.
“So do you. And I’m glad you’re taking it. Plus he made me a deal”.
“What deal?”
“That if he wasn’t back by noon then I could send someone to fetch him and force him back to the dorm”.
“I guess that’s fair”.
“It is, and I plan on holding him to that. Now breakfast is ready, can you set the table please?”
“Of course, Hyung”.
He then spent the next few minutes setting the table and helping Jeonghan transfer the food from the kitchen to the table, as all of the other members sleepily gathered around the table.
“Good morning everyone!”Seungcheol greeted as everyone took their seats.
A chorus of “Morning Hyung,” was heard around the table from the sleepy and regressed members. From then on breakfast went smoothly, and a bit quieter than normal as everyone was tired or regressed and sleepy.
And while Hoshi enjoyed the peace, he missed the chaotic moments that breakfast and really any time together with all of his Hyungs brought. But he could understand that everyone was exhausted from all of the work and practice they had been doing. Plus everyone was also stressed about comeback season, so it made sense that everyone was busy resting and thinking.
But also, in addition to missing the noise and chaos of his Hyungs, he also felt a pang of loneliness as he saw the other caregivers tending to their Littles, and Seungcheol letting Jeonghan eat in peace as he cared for Joshua himself. Seeing his Caregiver giving not only a little bit, but all of his attention to another Little, really hurt and made him feel even more lonely and unwanted.
Though he knew that Seungcheol wasn’t doing it on purpose because he wasn’t even regressed at the moment, so he didn’t need his help. Plus, Jeonghan-Hyung deserved a break, as all of them did, and that’s what Cheol was helping him do. So, really he shouldn’t be jealous, but he was. He just wanted to feel loved and wanted, but he just felt like an outsider at the quiet breakfast table.
So as soon as breakfast was done and he did his job of helping clean up, he excused himself and went to his room. Once the door was closed, he sank down against it, and pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself as small as possible. And as he did, he could feel the tears come back full force, so he just let them spill down his cheeks.
He tried to cry as silently as he could because he didn’t want to worry the others, or upset any of the Littles if they saw or heard him crying. He didn’t need that on his already full plate.
He couldn’t handle his Hyungs being mad at him with his emotions already all over the place. That would only confirm his feelings of being unwanted if he made them upset. Plus he couldn’t handle the disappointment on their faces if he upset the other Littles. It would shatter his heart more than it already was.
So, he just continued to cry as quietly as he could, as he also made himself as small as possible against the door. And before he knew it, he had cried himself to sleep. The bone-weary exhaustion that had clung to him, and had only been amplified by his overwhelming feelings, had finally won the battle as his body succumbed to the much needed sleep.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Hoshi, one particular member was starting to worry about him.
“Hey Cheol?”
“Yeah, Hannie?”
“Can I talk to you?”
“Yeah, let me just put Joshua down for a nap, he’s starting to fall asleep on me”.
“Ok, I’ll meet you in your room”.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Seungcheol responded as he picked Joshua up and took him back to his room to put him down for a nap.
“Ok, what do you need to talk to me about?” He asked as he took a seat next to Jeonghan on his bed.
“It’s about Soonyoung…”
“What about him? Did he do something?”
“No, he didn’t do anything. I’m just worried about him”.
“Why?”
“Haven’t you noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“You really haven’t noticed anything wrong with him? You normally are one of the first ones to notice that something’s off with anyone”.
“I guess I’ve just been distracted with Joshua and helping you. So, what exactly did you notice?”
“He’s just been quieter than normal and he seems off”.
“Off? How?”
“He just seems sadder, not his usual happy self. He’s normally so full of life and energy, even after hours of practice or a long performance. So, it’s unusual to see him so quiet, sad, and seemingly drained”.
Seungcheol sat there in silence, lost in thought.
“Don’t blame yourself for not noticing”.
“How can I not? I’m the leader. I should be aware of everything going on with the members, especially with how they feel. It’s my job to take care of everyone”.
“And you’ve been doing a great job so far-”
“But I’ve failed Hoshi”.
“I wasn’t finished Cheol”.
“Sorry”.
“You've been an amazing leader so far, and you’ve done nothing but help everyone. All the time. It’s perfectly reasonable that you, like everyone else, need a break for a little bit, and to not notice what’s really going on with everyone when you’re focused on your own health and wellbeing. Plus, I’m pretty sure that he’s trying to keep how he actually feels from everyone else, I just happen to be very perceptive. So, don’t blame yourself for not noticing anything different, because I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants”.
“I still feel bad though…”
“Well, stop that! And how about you, or we, go talk to him and find out what’s wrong? Then you can stop feeling bad about it because you can try and fix it”.
“I’ll talk to him, I need to make sure he’s ok, and if he’s not then I’ll take care of him”.
“That sounds like a good plan. But before you go, do you know any reason why he would be upset? It might help to have some idea what’s wrong so that you’re not going in blind”.
“I don’t….He’s been his usual happy self recently, and I can’t think of anything that would have caused any problems. Do you know of anything?”
“No, I’m pretty sure he’s been doing well in practice and at shows, so that can’t be dragging him down. Do you know if there have been fights or arguments between the members recently?”
“No, nothing serious. Just the usual playful ones”.
“Hmmm…”
Just then Jeonghan remembered something.
“When was the last time he regressed?”
“Regressed? Oh….I’m not sure”.
“That could definitely be causing some problems if he hasn’t regressed recently. Do you have it written down somewhere the last time he slipped?”
“Probably, let me check my calendar,"Cheol says as he pulls out his phone to check.
Once he finds the dates, he sits there in shock.
“What is it Cheol?”
“I’m the worst caregiver ever…”
“No you aren’t. Why are you thinking like that? I already told you to stop with the negative thoughts”.
“No, seriously, I’m the worst. He hasn’t regressed since February, and it’s July! He hasn’t properly regressed, in about 5 months!!”
“Oh, Cheol…It’s not your fault. We’ve been so busy these past few months, really no one has had time to relax or regress. It isn’t your fault so stop blaming yourself”.
“But it is! Even with the busy schedules, the others have found time to regress, even if it’s just for a day or so. But he hasn’t regressed in 5 months”.
“It’s still not your fault”.
“How can it not be? The others get so stressed and exhausted if they don’t properly regress at least every few weeks, because of accumulated stress. So, I don’t know how he’s lasted several months without breaking down or collapsing!”
“I don’t know either. But now it’s time to fix it, not take the blame for something you can’t change. So go talk to him and get our Tiger back!”Jeonghan says as he pushes Cheol out the bedroom door to get him to go talk to Hoshi.
“I’ll get him back”.
“You better! Or else I’ll have to take care of it myself”.
“I know!”Seungcheol called as he continued his walk down the hall to a certain door that was covered in tiger stickers and colorful drawings. He knocked on the door, but there was no answer.
“Hoshi?”
Still no answer.
“Soonie? Are you in there?”
Still nothing. So, he went to open the door. But he was met with some resistance. Though it wasn’t because the door was locked, no, there was something blocking the door.
“Did he block the door to keep us out?”He muttered to himself as he continued to try and open the door. Thankfully, he was able to push the door hard enough that whatever was blocking the door slid a little bit. So, he continued to push on the door until he was able to squeeze through, though he did get a little bit stuck halfway through.
But he was then able to look around the door and see what was blocking it. And to his surprise it wasn’t a piece of furniture blocking the door, but a cute Tiger passed out and curled up against the door.
“Hoshi?”Cheol called as he continued to try and get in the room. And thankfully he was able to squeeze through the last little bit because Hoshi did not wake up. Even with all of the calling, knocking, and moving him with the door, he was still out like a light.
Once he was in the room, he crouched down to Hoshi’s level, and what he found was heartbreaking. Not only was it kind of concerning that he was passed out on the floor against the door, but he also had dried tear tracks on his face. Which just goes to show that something was, or rather is, wrong as he had cried himself to sleep, which wasn’t like their happy tiger at all.
“Hoshi…”Cheol called as he gently shook his shoulders.
And thankfully it worked as Hoshi stirred. He blinked open his eyes sleepily, before rubbing at them and looking so cute that Cheol just wanted to squeeze him.
“What happened?”Hoshi asked as he slowly sat up.
“You fell asleep here. And I came to talk to you about something”.
“I fell asleep? I don’t remember…”
“Well you obviously did at some point. But anyways, are you up for talking right now?”
“Yeah….What’s up? Did something happen?....Did I do something wrong?”
That caused Hoshi to wake up more and sit up a bit straighter at the thought that he was in trouble, for what? He didn’t know, yet.
“No, you’re not in trouble, and everything is fine….Or all the other members are fine. There’s just something that needs to be addressed”.
“Ok, I’m listening…”
“How do I say this…?”Seungcheol muttered to himself as he tried to figure out what exactly to say.
“Me and Jeonghan are worried about you”.
“Me? Why?”
“Jeonghan brought to my attention that you haven't been acting like your usual happy self. You seem sad and just off. Is something wrong?”
Hoshi was speechless. He thought that he had covered his emotions well enough that no one would notice, but he was wrong.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine. Perfectly fine,”He deflected with an obviously fake smile.
“We both know that isn’t true. I mean I found you passed out on the floor, and it looks like you cried yourself to sleep! You’re not okay. And I respect it if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but you need to talk about whatever is wrong at some point and to somebody, at least”.
This again left Hoshi speechless. He had felt unwanted and unloved a little while ago, but now he was being flooded with worry from his leader and members, and he wasn’t sure what to think. Did they still want him? Why else would they be worried about him? He was lost and confused.
“Ok? Can you at least promise me that you’ll talk to somebody about it at some point? It’s not good to bottle up your emotions. It will only lead to things getting worse than they already are. And I don’t want anything to happen to you. I can’t…we can’t lose our Little Tiger”.
Just that nickname opened up the floodgates as everything came rushing out, and hot tears streamed down Hoshi’s face. Soon he was a hiccuping and sobbing mess, and Seungcheol was frozen, unsure of what to do and how exactly he had caused this.
“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok,”He soothed as he gently stroked up and down Hoshi’s arm. And before he knew it, Hoshi launched himself at Cheol and wrapped him in a tight bear hug, which Cheol reciprocated just as fiercely.
“What happened Tiger? What caused you to feel this way?”
Hoshi just continued to sob and hiccup as he buried his face in Cheol’s shoulder.
“You can talk to me. I won’t ever judge you. I just want to know what happened so that I can help make it better. Will you let me do that?”
Hoshi stilled for a second as he considered Cheol’s questions. Then he nodded his head slowly as he pulled away, and Seungcheol wiped away his tears as his sobs and hiccups died down.
“Now, what happened that made my Fierce Tiger cry?”
“I-”He started, but he really didn’t know how to explain his feelings. I mean, how do you tell someone that you feel unwanted and unloved without breaking into sobs again?
“It’s ok, just breathe”.
And he did just that. He paused as he took a few big deep breathes, which helped clear his mind at least a little bit as he settled on what to say.
“I’ve just been so tired and stressed recently, probably from all the work that we’ve been doing…..And….maybe because…..”He trailed off.
“Because you haven’t regressed recently?”
Hoshi’s head snapped up at that. How did he know? He’s pretty sure that he kept the last time he regressed to himself.
Seungcheol could tell from just that look that he was right in his thinking.
“Jeonghan brought it to my attention that you haven’t regressed recently, and when I checked my calendar, he was right. You haven’t properly regressed in 5 months”.
5 months!? He didn’t know it had been that long since he had last regressed. No wonder he felt so stressed and uncomfortable, it had been way too long since he had regressed. But that’s probably because they’ve been busy, and he has been repressing his need for regression.
“I didn’t know that it had been that long….I guess it makes sense about why I’m so…”
“Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Uncomfortable in your own skin?”
“How did you-?”
“Hoshi, I’m your primary caregiver, and I know my little, and my members. I know exactly how you feel and why you regress. You regress due to stress, exhaustion, and a need to escape your brain and body. I see and know how you get all jittery and icky feeling when you first regress if you aren’t in comfortable and proper clothing. So, I understand the need to escape your brain and body for a little while and just let others take care of you. And that’s what I’m here for. What I’ll always be here for”.
“Not anymore…”He mumbled.
“What do you mean? Do you not want me as your caregiver….?”
“No! No that’s not it….I thought you didn’t want me…”
“What!? Where’d you get that idea!? I still want you, and I still love you. You’ll forever be my Tiger Cub, no matter how old or big you get. Why’d you think I didn’t want you?”
“I….I regressed earlier this morning, and I came to get you but you didn’t notice me. You were so busy with Joshua that you paid me no attention, so I thought you wanted to replace me…”
“Replace you? No, I was just helping Jeonghan out so that he could make breakfast, nobody could ever replace my Tiger,”He said as he pulled Hoshi onto his lap and into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry you felt that way. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. And I’m sorry you regressed alone”.
“It’s fine…It didn’t last long anyways”.
“What do you mean?”
“After I couldn’t get yours or any of the other Hyung’s attention, I was forced out of my Little headspace…”
“Oh Baby…I’m so sorry that happened. That must have been so hard and confusing”.
“It’s ok. But that’s why I’ve been so quiet because I didn’t want to get in trouble for crying and upsetting the other littles. And I just felt like nobody wanted me or loved me anymore”.
“Oh, no Tiger. We love you so much. And you would never get in trouble for crying and accidentally upsetting the others. It wouldn’t be your fault, you’re only human and you need to express your emotions. Now, do you still want to regress today?”
Hoshi hesitantly nodded his head in response.
“Ok, then let’s get you changed Cub”.
Cheol then picked out Hoshi’s favorite Tiger onesie and seamless, no-slip socks to keep him warm and comfortable. And once Hoshi was changed, he could tell he was already starting to slip. His eyes were slightly glassy and he was starting to fiddle with his fingers.
“Here you go Cub,”Cheol said as he handed Hoshi Tam-Tam off his bed, to which Hoshi immediately grabbed and hugged tightly. Next, he slipped Hoshi’s tiger teething toy into his mouth because not only did it help with stress, but it kept him from putting his fingers or things he shouldn’t into his mouth.
“Do you want to go see everyone Cub?”
The Little seemed to think about it for a second before deciding and shaking his head.
“No?”
Hoshi shook his head again, not up to socializing at the moment, and wanting some alone time with just his Appa.
“Are you sure? I’m positive they would want to see you. They haven’t seen you in a while Cub”.
Hoshi adamantly shook his head again and plopped himself down on the floor, not moving.
“Ok, not going to see them yet. Got it”.
Seungcheol then joined him on the floor and Hoshi crawled over and climbed into his lap.
“Hi Kitten”.
Instead of a verbal response, Seungcheol got a big hug as Hoshi clung to him desperately.
“I see, Kitty wants some love,”Seungcheol said as he returned the hug just as fiercely.
It was nice. Just the two of them in the quiet of Hoshi’s room, snuggled up together. But the hug didn’t last too long as Hoshi climbed out of his lap and went searching for something in his closet.
He came back a minute later with his coloring books and crayons and dropped them on the floor in front of Cheol.
“You want to color?”
Hoshi just nodded his head as he sat back down and picked out one of the books. He then flipped through the pages before he decided on a picture and started grabbing crayons.
But when Cheol just sat there admiring him as he colored, Hoshi got upset. He whined and pointed to the pile of coloring books as he set his crayon down.
“Do you want me to color with you?” Cheol asked.
Hoshi just looked at him as if to say,”Are you serious?”, and he whined and gestured to the books again.
“Ok, ok. Message received loud and clear”.
Cheol then proceeded to pick out a book and some crayons and joined Hoshi in coloring. He felt all of the worry and exhaustion that had been plaguing him drain out of his body as he continued to color and watch as Hoshi fully relaxed into his headspace and drawings.
And before he knew it, they had spent a few hours sitting in the quiet of Hoshi’s room just coloring. It was nice and peaceful, just what both of them had been needing.