Chapter Text
Hyunjin’s been having some thoughts lately. Thoughts she’d rather not share, not even with herself. Thoughts that make her break into a sweat on a cold autumn’s day, thoughts that make her blood run cold under the heat of the shower, thoughts that snap her eyes wide awake when she wants to sleep, thoughts that make her want to hide under the covers, make a tomb there, and never ever ever come out.
She wants to say she doesn’t know when it started. It’s true in a sense, if only because she’s never tried calculating the date. Hyunjin feels that it had come on gradually though, sneaking up and muffling from behind, like a tiger, or a kidnapper, or an illness. Totally overpowering her, to the point that she trembles under Vivi’s gaze. And she wonders that if Vivi looks close enough she’ll see it, that she’ll figure everything out, that she’ll feel even more sick than Hyunjin is.
She’s been able to put on a brave face, for the most part. And Hyunjin can only hope that nobody else has noticed what’s been happening, least of all Vivi. But the secret feels like a spring - the further she pushes it down, the longer she delays it, the stronger it’ll burst out of her, bloody and for all to see. Taking her heart out with it, too.
-
It happens, almost expectedly, with alcohol. Hyunjin doesn’t even like the stuff, but she’s enough of a lightweight for it not to matter much. She’s only one cocktail in and she already can’t stop giggling - at what, she can’t say. Maybe it’s the inscrutable look of Yeojin beside her - Yeojin, who she’s been hanging out with for the better half of all evening. She’d initially invited the girl out in hopes of easing the air between them; Yeojin is a lot stiffer with her than the other members - well, minus Hyeju that is. Hyunjin reasoned that Yeojin probably thought her a little too intense for her tastes; a judgement so accurate it makes her laugh even now. She probably hasn’t assuaged that opinion too much, but they’ve gone out swimming together (Hyunjin can smell the chlorine even now, not unpleasantly), are now hanging out in the hotel lounge over drinks, and she hopes she isn’t imagining the feeling that Yeojin is, however slightly, closer to her now than she had been. Hyunjin feels the exact same way, after all, though she can admit at least part of that is the alcohol talking. It’s from that same part that the urge to pinch Yeojin’s (admittedly really pinchable) cheeks comes on and, without thinking, Hyunjin seizes it.
Yeojin glowers at her with her eyes - her mouth area is entirely too occupied by Hyunjin’s hands. It’s very cute to watch. Cuter still when she tries talking, manages to ask Hyunjin what exactly she is doing. Hyunjin not-responds with a giggle, though she also loosens her grip a bit.
“Yeojin-ah,” she grins. “You’re so cute.”
Yeojin takes advantage of Hyunjin’s being distracted with talking to grab her hands and lower them down. “Thank you, unnie,” she says. “That is definitely something I want to hear at 21 years old.”
Hyunjin looks at Yeojin and notes the redness masking her cheeks. She can’t say for certain if the colour is from her earlier ministrations or if Yeojin’s just blushing, but she’s tempted to say it’s the latter.
“You like it really,” Hyunjin goads. Then for good measure she reaches a hand out again to poke at the smaller girl’s cheek, fast enough that Yeojin shouldn’t be able to stop her.
Yeojin catches it anyway, mid-poke. “Jeez, what’s with you?” she complains. “If you’re going to be this sappy, I can only thank God Vivi-unnie turned us down. Just the thought of you two teaming up on me makes me want to hurl.”
Something about Yeojin's words strike a nerve in Hyunjin, and it's not the thought of her fellow member throwing up. She hadn't thought a lot about Vivi lately, part of why being because she was too busy coming up with various ways to get Yeojin to like her. The other part - well. The less said the better. Vivi had, of course, turned them both down to catch up on a TV show instead - a blessing of sorts, if Yeojin’s teasing smile is anything to go by. But Hyunjin’s mind, uncontrollably, shifts to imagine Vivi, fuzzy pyjamas on and coffee, tea or ramyeon in her hands - had she finally figured out the coffee machine? Hyunjin imagines her curled up on her own bed, smiling or crying depending on what the show was, and suddenly she feels overwhelmed. There’s an exhilaration, so great she almost feels faint. She feels happy. She feels awful. She feels too much entirely, feels the spring coming loose under her thumb - or is it her thumb lifting off?
“Yeojin-ah,” Hyunjin starts.
The girl looks up from the ring of condensation she’s been circling to face her. “Yes, unnie?”
“Do you ever feel like there’s something wrong with you?”
That causes a shift in the girl’s otherwise inscrutable expression - her eyebrow pitches high and her head tilts left. “What’s that supposed to mean? Like an illness?”
Hyunjin chuckles at that. Yeojin is right on target, as always. “Yeah,” she affirms, “something like that.”
“I mean I get sick a lot, so I guess so? I guess that’s what’s wrong with me?”
Sick. Illness. (Sick, sick, sick.) Yeojin is half an inch away from a bulls-eye, Hyunjin thinks.
She pauses, or forgets to reply, prompting Yeojin to speak up again. “Why do you ask? Did you catch something?”
“Yes, I did.”
Yeojin manages to tilt her head even further. “What is it?”
That makes Hyunjin laugh again, louder this time. She wants to say what ‘it’ is, feels it itching on her tongue, feels her blood running so hot she swears it’ll burst through her hands. What is it. What is it, indeed.
She takes a long swig of her drink. Her love for Vivi tastes just like it. There’s the sweetness, the joy, with a bitter note beneath, and as soon as she swallows it’s like the bitterness takes over entirely, is all she can think of. There is no joy left.
When Hyunjin tries to hail for another, Yeojin places a hand on her wrist. “Unnie,” she says, quietly. “It’s not, um, serious, is it? Is it bad?”
The graveness in Yeojin’s eyes is, thankfully, able to sober her up a bit. Hyunjin realises that she’s kind of led Yeojin up the wrong tree, making her think it’s a physical illness that’s wrong with her. Getting her all worried. But she thinks of what the problem actually is, and that thought’s even worse than misleading or scaring Yeojin, worse than the bitterness at the back of her throat and-
“Hyunjin-unnie?” Yeojin looks up at her with those sweet, concerned eyes, and Hyunjin can’t help what spills out of her mouth next.
“I’m in love with Vivi-unnie.”
Silence falls on them both. The hotel bar had already been quiet, but now even a pin drop could be heard in it. All Hyunjin notices are her own breaths, growing faster and faster.
Yeojin, bless her heart, notices too, because soon she can feel a tiny hand run up and down her arm in a surely soothing motion. Hyunjin’s breaths begin to slow down ever so slightly at that.
“Are you sure?” Yeojin asks after a pause.
“Yes,” Hyunjin responds instantly. She’s long past the point of denying it now. The point of no return is so far behind, she can hardly see it.
“How long?”
There’s the trillion-won question. It could’ve been as early as the first time Hyunjin noticed the quiet girl at practice, the shock of pink hair, the first time Vivi held her hand during Woomanna. It could’ve been as recent as last year, that awful time, when Hyunjin had found her and held her for so long they almost forgot whose limbs belonged to the other. Hyunjin thinks to just earlier today, when Vivi had caught her gaze from across the stage and all Hyunjin could think of was how badly she wanted to throw herself into how beautiful Vivi’s eyes were. It wasn’t even that Vivi’s eyes were pretty (though they certainly were), it was just how happy they looked.
“I don’t know,” she says instead.
“It’s okay, you know,” Yeojin soothes. “It’s okay.”
“Is it?” Hyunjin shakily breathes out.
“Yes, unnie, of course.”
And Yeojin says it with such surety that she can’t - won’t fight about it. If Hyunjin thinks about how wrong it is or isn’t for even another second, she thinks she’ll cry.
They stay like that for a while, Yeojin stroking her arm and Hyunjin staring into nothing. Then Yeojin gets up, somehow manages to pull Hyunjin up too with her tiny arms. Hyunjin is too busy remembering how to stand when Yeojin crashes into her and almost sends her tumbling to the floor. Suddenly Hyunjin can’t stop laughing - at this, at everything. The knife deep in her throat had been lodged out, leaving her gasping for air. Having it out at last - it’s exhilarating. It’s horrifying. It’s doing a worse number on her than the alcohol. Her arms reach out to lock around Yeojin, and as soon as they’re settled Hyunjin can’t imagine letting go again. It’s partly about her inability to stand on her own, but only partly.
Yeojin, the angel that she is, accepts this state of affairs at first. But it grows awkward when she has to shuffle them towards the elevator, awkwarder still when they reach her hotel door.
“Unnie,” Yeojin mutters, and Hyunjin isn’t in the mood to figure out what emotion is in her voice. All she knows is that Yeojin is comfortable right now - the soft cotton of her shirt, the steady breaths against her own jacket material, the warm hands pressing against the small of her back, as if holding Hyunjin together. She holds on, koala-ishly.
The pair remain in a stand-off for a small while until Yeojin finally surrenders, and so begins another awkward shuffle into the room.
“Hyunjin-unnie,” Yeojin pants out once they’re inside. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to your own room?”
Hyunjin clicks her tongue at that. Beyond Yeojin establishing herself as her rock for the indefinite future (or possibly just tonight, either works), there’s also the fact that Vivi will be in Hyunjin’s room right now. They’re sharing it, and every other hotel room to come during their tour. And even if Hyunjin’s surely drunken-stumbling doesn’t wake Vivi up, Hyunjin knows that the sight of her roommate alone might be enough to forfeit her progress entirely.
“I’m good here,” she says, instead of explaining.
The actual reason seems to click in Yeojin’s head anyway. “Fine,” she sighs. “You can stay the night. But you can only use the right side of the bed, okay? Don’t get too close!”
Hyunjin nods. She hopes that they’re close enough that Yeojin won’t be able to see the huge grin forming on her face, but it stays even when they part and Yeojin heads towards the bathroom. It doesn’t really matter, though - there’s no shame left to be embarrassed about anymore.
(And despite Yeojin’s warning, she does in fact get too close. Hyunjin falls asleep fast with the feeling of clear lungs, and having a warmth beside her that doesn’t make her want to scream.)
-
The next day Hyunjin wakes up with nothing in her head except a dull ache. Yeojin, bizarrely, is beside her, shivering slightly under the lack of covers. It is then that Hyunjin looks around and sees the lack of familiar belongings on the bedside table, the absence of a second bed in the room. She must’ve spent the night in Yeojin’s room, but why? Even if she had forgotten her key, Vivi should’ve been there to let her in. Maybe she and Yeojin just had a really, really good time last night and hadn’t wanted it to end. Hyunjin faintly remembers a plan to invite Yeojin to hang out yesterday - clearly, it had been a success.
She freshens up enough to be seen and is about to return to her own room, when a voice pipes up behind her.
“Unnie,” Yeojin mutters around a yawn. “Where’re you going?”
Seeing the way her eyes are shut and she's only just managed to pull the covers back, Hyunjin imagines that Yeojin's pretty tired. There's every chance that Hyunjin woke up way too early for them both, though her phone's too dead to even tell. "Unnie's gonna leave now, okay, Yeojin?" Hyunjin tries to soothe. "I'm going back to my room."
A noise vaguely reminiscent of a raspberry emerges from the covers. “You slept this whole time, and now you’re saying you’re leaving? God, I can’t stand you.”
Hyunjin smothers a laugh with the palm of her hand. Yeojin sure woke up fast. Blatant disrespect aside, Hyunjin appreciates the back-and-forth dynamic they share. She can only hope whatever happened last night only strengthened it. Flashing a grin at the younger girl, Hyunjin moves to pull open the door.
“Wait, Hyunjin!”
“Yes?” she pauses.
Yeojin pushes herself up on the bed. “Do you… remember anything from last night?”
Hyunjin blushes slightly. The immediate answer is no, but something in Yeojin’s expression makes her think she really should. Try as she might, however, her mind keeps drawing a total blank. “Um, not really?” she replies. Then, after a pause, she adds: “Anything I should know?”
Yeojin shakes her head, almost violently. “No, don’t worry. See you at breakfast?”
Hyunjin’s eyebrow twitches a little at Yeojin’s evasive response, though she tries not to pay it any mind. Hopefully it had just been something silly, like belly-flopping at the pool in front of a bunch of strangers or being informal with the manager. She can barely grip the door handle right now - she doesn’t think she could handle anything worse than those things.
“Sure,” Hyunjin nods. With nothing else left to say (nothing productive, at least), she leaves towards her and Vivi’s shared room.
-
Vivi is up and brushing her hair when Hyunjin walks in. The curtains are drawn, with long streaks of light pouring into the room. It's a little too bright for Hyunjin's comfort, but she can admire the way they cast around Vivi's face, making her hair look like silk.
“Hey, Hyunjin,” Vivi greets, turning around to face her. “Did you have fun last night? How’s Yeojin?”
The casualness in her voice makes Hyunjin let out a sigh of relief. Though she hadn’t wanted to say it, the thought that she had drunkenly spilled her heart and guts to Vivi and that that was what Yeojin was hinting towards had been simmering at the back of her mind. Maybe she really had just belly-flopped at the pool, after all.
“You could say that,” Hyunjin responds breezily. She couldn't actually remember if she did have fun, but she wants to keep Vivi's eyes on her. “And Yeojin is - wait, how come you know I stayed with Yeojin last night?”
Vivi smiles at her teasingly. “You both kept us very updated in the group chat last night. Yeojin especially, since you stopped texting about half-way through.”
Hyunjin balks. The worst may not have happened, but embarrassing herself in front of Vivi was still a no. Worse still if it came through Yeojin.
“You know,” Vivi continues, “I thought you looked really pretty in your swimsuit. Yeojin, too, but you most of all.” There’s something in her smile, or maybe the lilt of her voice, almost hushed, that makes it sound like a secret.
All Hyunjin can do is laugh. Not for the first time, something in her chest flips, as if spring-loaded.