Chapter Text
Britain was supposed to be different. A year abroad was supposed to break me out of my whatever it was, but I'm still just spinning in the dirt. I've made friends, I'm not falling behind, I'm going to parties, but no matter how much I smile, no matter how close I get with people, it feels like there is this film over me. I get close to happy, but I'm never quite there. I'm closer with people, but never actually close. It just feels like I'm acting, but I don't even know what kind of role I should be playing anymore.
I was walking to pick up my friend Alex from her dorm. She had invited me out to a party. I had really just wanted to rot in bed and turn off my brain, but I had done that nearly every day this week, and everyone who was slightly close to me was starting to notice, so out I went to be sociable. Alex was already waiting for me outside of her dorm.
"Took you long enough." She jumped up from the bench she was sitting at and skipped over to me.
"Sorry, I had to get my foundation or whatever just right." I joked.
"Well, we'd better get going or we won't get there fashionably, we'll just be late." Alex started leading the way. The party was being thrown in some dorm or something, I didn't really know. I would probably just hover talk to some people and then Alex would get horribly drunk and we would leave. "And tonight I'm getting you drunk."
"Alex, I don't drink." It was a hard rule of mine. I had seen what alcohol had done to my dad. I didn't want to repeat that.
"Oooh, come on, just a little drink, pretty please." Alex tugged on my arm.
"No, Alex," I just rolled my eyes.
"You're no fun."
"Sorry, I guess." Shrug
We talked about mostly banal things as we walked. She had met this guy, and he was so hot. No change in a single city for me, not that I was trying to change that. She absolutely loved her classes. Mine were fine, I guess. Her boss was the absolute fucking worst still. I was ok.
"Jeez, Tru, do you ever have anything interesting happening? You used to be fun." It was something I noticed too. When I got here, it was great. I was into all my interests, always trying something, full of energy, but that film returned over time, and now I couldn't muster the energy to do the things I loved.
"I don't know, I think I'm just in a rut. Fall does that to me." Also, the complete lack of sunlight, Jesus, there couldn't be a little sun.
"Well, this party will help." Sure enough, it was a classic college party, young adults drinking to excess and doing some wild things. But it did not help; no matter how much I tried, I couldn't maintain a conversation for the life of me. It was strange because usually when I felt good, I could have a conversation with anyone about anything and have a great time, but I just could not keep one up in the least.
"Truitt, please, please, come and take shots with my girls, you'll have so much fun, I promise." Alex tugged me to a counter where there was a group of women who were completely new to me. This was something Alex did. She got drunk and found a new batch of 'her girls' to whom she would confess her everything and likely never see them again. It couldn't be healthy, but hey, you try and take a drink out of her hands.
"Yeah, drink with us, hot stuff," a black girl pushed my shoulder playfully.
"Yeah, drink drink drink!" Some girl with long black hair yelled.
There was another girl, but she was kinda just looking at the table as though she might throw up at any moment. Which she very much might. "Alex I-"
"I know, I know, but just this one time, and I'll never ask you again. You've been so down tonight, it will help, I promise." Her eyes were so big.
"*Sigh* fine."
"Really!?" She grabbed me by the sides and shook me back and forth.
"Sure," I moved to the table that was covered in different boos.
Alex screamed in joy. The other girls joined.
---
I was stumbling.
"You're such a lightweight." Alex laughed at me.
"Ihm naa fucking light weight." I slurred my words.
"You say fuck a lot when you're drunk." Ileeyah, the black girl, said.
" isays fuck alot all the time." I take another drink. "Fuck fuck fuck." I sat on a seat I found. There was a mirror to my left, and I took the first look at myself in probably three days. "I hate my clothes."
"What, but you're so nice looking." Kelly, the girl with long black hair, was aghast at my statement.
"Not me I jus fuckin fell inta it." I was wearing a flannel over a t-shirt in jeans. "I wanna wear... I don know.... somethin else."
"Well, I think you look great in what you have on, very manly, very cool." Alex's words stung. I didn't know why.
"What if I didn't want that?"
"I don't know, I think you'd look faggy. Your hair doesn't help."
"Alex!" Ileeyah and Kelly snapped at her.
"Wah?"
"You can't say stuff like that," Kelly said.
The two of them dug into Alex, and I just sat in shock at what she had just said to me. Here I was trying to share a part of me, and this is what she does. This is what everyone does, they find something different and they try and tear it out of me or tear into me
Eventually, Alex started to apologize, but I just nodded, trying to keep the act together. A part of me wanted to explode, to shout 'how could you', to scream, to hit. When the Idea of hitting came up, I knew I couldn't act; I would just be some fucking monster. So I pushed it down, I put the act back up. At some point, they found something to entertain themselves, and I left.
I found an unoccupied bathroom and threw up, washed my face, then a cold hurt went into me.
I found a way to the roof of the dorm building there was a couple there smoking. I walked up to them. "Um, I'm sorry, but can I have a moment alone here?" I knew it was rude because they both gave me a look. "I won't be long, I promise."
"No, get your own roof." The taller of the two said to me.
That cold hurt bubbled up in me and started to heat up into anger again, but I didn't push it down this time. Fuck the act fuck being this fucking person, "Fine bitch, but don't say I didn't fucking warn you. I wanted this to be a private affair, but fuck me, a guess." I went over to the edge of the roof. And started climbing onto the stone guard. "God forbid I get a moment to be alone."
"Whoa whoa stop."
"Na I'm done. I'm really fucking done, ok." I stood up on the divider. And stinging tears started flowing.
"Wait, wait, don't," the shorter one got closer.
"Don't what? Jump. Sorry, but that's kinda why I'm here." I looked at the ground, and most of the people were gone, and the place I would fall was secluded. I wouldn't traumatize anyone. "I'm tired of this fucking shit. I'm sick of living this fucking act, of pretending I'm ok. I'm sick of doing this. I just want to stop." I was talking to myself now.
"Hey, hey, what's you're name?" The tall one asked.
"I don't want to do this anymore." I got closer to the edge despite my desperate wish to fall; my body hesitated.
"Wait, wait, tell us you're name."
"You know my brother told me I could make any sinking ship look as though it were sailing, any problem swept under the rug. Well, I did such a good fucking job. Look at me, whole and healthy, with good grades, and I'm still broken."
"It's okay, you're not broken, just move over here."
More anger bubbled up in me, "I was there for them, I fixed them, I was their fucking lifeline, and now here I am alone. No one could bother helping me when I needed it. This place was supposed to be different, this place I was going to get away, but I guess... I'm back where I was."
"We want to help you. Just come over here."
"I try to take the mask off to be whole, and what happens, she fucking attacks me."
"Please come down here, we'll talk about it."
"I just.... I don't want to be around anymore... I don't want to be me anymore..." I start to lean over the edge. Swan dive and then black, that's what I wanted.
A hand grabbed me by the upper arm and pulled me backward. I slammed into the ground. Everything became a blur. They held me to the ground, and one of the girls stuck me with something. "Wah..." was all I managed before I fell asleep.