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‘I don’t need a parachute, baby if I got you, baby if I got you, I don’t need a parachute, you’re gonna catch me, you’re gonna catch if I fall...’
‘Parachute’ – Cheryl Cole
Sauli twisted slightly in his seat, trying to get comfortable, trying to suppress the nausea and anxiety that he knew was slowly coiling in the pit of his stomach. Shopping in London had been fun, but that seemed like a lifetime away now. Anyway, he’d done this several times before and nothing had happened. Besides, what waited at the other end was worth all of this, wasn’t it?
When he’d spoken to Adam on the phone last night, he’d been caught up in the euphoria of Adam's voice, of his ramblings about the last concert, the hotel, the weather, the rest of the band and how, despite all this, that Sauli had been missed and that it wasn’t fair that they were miles apart AGAIN. How could Sauli then pour cold water on all the love that poured through the handset, over something so … trivial?
He didn’t want to disappoint Adam by dragging up his recurring fear. Besides, it wasn’t fair to do this to him, it wasn’t his fault and it would only serve as another reminder that their lives were so disconnected at times.
If only it was the same state, the same country damn it, but no, it was a whole ocean and continent away. Any other option was ruled out, or would take too long.
He looked around at his fellow travellers. Everyone else was going about their business, getting ready for departure and moving around with no sense of danger or distress. He swore in his native tongue, and fiddled with the belt on his chair, chastising himself for getting so worked up. This was stupid, really stupid. Maybe if he took one of those pills the doctor had prescribed he could just sleep through it? Ha, but they were back at the apartment, he’d left them in the bathroom cabinet as some sort of challenge to himself.
He swallowed self-consciously, his throat dry and already feeling restricted. The person next to him crossed their legs, and he felt them move slightly in their seat. A feeling of confinement seemed to sweep towards him, and he almost struggled out of his seat as a stewardess went past, and the seatbelt sign flicked on. Oh god, they were about to take off. He clutched the armrests as the plane began to move.
“Keep swallowing”, he murmured to himself, remembering Adam's words about preventing that annoying ear popping moment. He smiled to himself then, and closing his eyes he pictured him, all brilliant blue eyes and kohl black hair, the reassuring smile that lit up his face and his strong warm hands.
Just breathe.
As the plane landed at LAX, just over eleven hours later, Sauli glanced hopefully out of the window. The sky was darkening, the clouds burning red and gold as the sun dipped below the horizon. When he finally extracted himself from his seat, grabbing his carry-on bag and swinging his black leather jacket over his shoulder, he found himself laughing at how stupid his fear had been. He’d soon be back on solid ground, back where he should be, with the one he should be with.
At the entrance to the jet way, the cool spring air drew away more of his unease, and he opened his mouth to finally breathe properly in what felt like a lifetime. He paused, suddenly unsure that his feet would carry him any further, but as those around him made their exits, he was caught up in the flow and let himself be manoeuvred towards the main building and security. Not long now. His stomach flipped and he felt the strap of his bag slide slightly in his grip. He suddenly wanted to run, but the press of bodies meant that he just had to go at their pace. He swung his jacket around so he could access his bag. Now where in here was his passport? The gate was approaching quicker than he’d realised.
Security was busy, as it always was. And noisy. Looking around, Sauli grinned as it seemed the whole world in its many shapes and colours was gathered here. His line moved forward and he shuffled along, keeping his head lowered. He didn’t think people would recognize him, but you never knew. He wasn’t really in the mood for smiling and posing for photos today. He sighed, a wave of tiredness creeping over him. Not looking, he bumped into the person immediately in front of him. Putting a hand out to apologise, he lifted his head, and any thoughts of sleep were abruptly cut off, because suddenly, there Adam was, just outside the security area, standing in front of one of the huge windows, his hair slightly dishevelled, his tall frame striking against the cold glass.
A grin spread across Sauli's features, and he scrubbed a hand over his face and through his short blond hair. This was why he did this, why he put himself through these cartwheels and yo-yoing emotions. He didn’t need to worry about anything now; he didn’t need to worry ever again.
Sauli didn’t need a parachute, because Adam was there to catch him if he fell. And he intended to keep on falling. Again and again and again.