Chapter Text
“Hello?” said Finn. “Uh—Miss Vampire?” There was no reply from the cold cell door. “I can leave if you want,” he said. “I mean—I gave Peppermint Butler my finger to get directions. So I kind of don’t want to. Not—like—I don’t want to make you feel bad or anything. I just wanted to talk to you.”
This was a very, very bad idea. He had heard rumors about the vampire the Princess kept in her dungeon, but there were always rumors about what the Princess kept in her dungeon. “Mother’s afraid of it,” his foster sister had said, but Finn hadn’t believed her. “She’s not afraid of anything.”
But Finn knew that there was a vampire in the dungeon, because he had seen it. He had gone to the lab to bring the Princess a report on a quest, and he had seen Princess Bubblegum standing in the middle of a tangle of wires, with a humanoid figure clinging to her, its withered, burnt arms wrapped tightly around the Princess’s shoulders, face buried in her hair. Instruments beeped and blinked around it. Finn didn’t move. The vampire had seen him. She had looked up with red vampire eyes, and she had mouthed “run.”
Finn was allowed to see experiments. He was allowed to see them even when they got ugly, because the Princess trusted that he would understand. But when the vampire had told him to run, he had fled. There was something wrong in the Princess’s lab. There were secrets in the castle. There were things you weren’t supposed to see. He knew immediately that he had seen one of them.
“Hey,” said a voice from inside. It didn’t sound like Finn had expected. It didn’t sound like a monster. “Finn, right? The Candy Knight?”
“Yeah.”
“I told you to run.”
“I know,” he said. “But—“
“I guess I should have expected this.”
“Are you the vampire?”
“Yeah.”
“I wasn’t supposed to see you.”
“No,” said the vampire.
“Why?” said Finn. “Why did you try to protect me?”
“Bonnie would have killed you,” she said.
Finn flinched.
“She’ll definitely kill you if she catches you talking to me,” said the vampire. “Look. Dude. Go back to bed. You’ve got it good here, Finn. She likes you. Don’t donk it up for yourself”
“But you’re evil,“ said Finn. “My sister says the Princess is scared of you.”
“I bet she is.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Look,” said the vampire. “Maybe a monster still doesn’t want to see a kid die.”
“But—” said Finn.
The vampire cackled.
“What did you do to get locked up here?”
“I tried to kill Princess Bubblegum and destroy the kingdom,” said the vampire. “Because I hate beauty and goodness and her stupid face, and I wanted to plunge the continent into darkness and chaos forever.”
“That’s not true,” said Finn.
The vampire laughed a little more warmly. “Go to bed, man.”
Finn sat on the edge of the roof of the castle. The first city sprawled out below the castle wall. The whole thing seemed to glow gold, a spiderweb of streets that stretched out towards the horizon. Here, by the castle, streets were wide and manicured, dotted with gardens and cotton candy trees. These were the pretty frosted homes of the Court and the castle staff. Behind a grove of trees was the primary barracks, quietly tucked out of sight. Around the second wall, though, the skyline was crowded with high twisted towers and neon lights in shining pastels. Hoverbikes raced through the crowded streets. Tall, holographic billboards dotted the city.
He couldn’t see farther than that—not to the third wall. Beyond it were cotton candy trees and rows and rows of candy corn, with towers clustered on the horizon in every direction. Even here, the city was never quiet. A nightclub by the second wall pulsed with music, mingling with the violins from the ballroom. Someone shouted from a balcony. The drones whirred above his head. He closed his eyes. The castle had rules. There were questions you weren’t supposed to ask. Places you weren’t supposed to go. Sometimes people would disappear, and everyone would know why, and you knew not to bring it up. That was how it worked. That was how it had to work. If someone slipped the whole thing could come crashing down. The kingdom was delicately balanced, she had explained. One thing going wrong could put them in all danger.
The last thing he had met in her dungeon had been the Lich. There were good reasons the Princess needed to be careful.
“I’ve figured it out,” said Finn two weeks later. It had been an even worse idea to come back. “You’re trying to turn me against the kingdom.”
“You’re really pushing your luck, man,” said the vampire. “Can’t your sister read minds?”
“No,” said Finn. “I mean, like. Yeah. Not usually. Her eye is sewn shut.”
“Shit,” said the vampire. “I guess that’s how she decided to deal with that.”
“Well, it won’t work,” said Finn, feeling like he’d lost control of the conversation.
“What?” said the vampire. “Oh, right. My evil scheme.”
“I’m a hero,” said Finn. “I’ll never betray the Princess.”
“Didn’t think you would,” said the vampire. “You actually trust her. You don’t have any wires in your brain. You’re not built for her. You’re just—actually loyal. That's rarer than you’d think.”
“Yeah!” said Finn. “Wait—“
“Yeah?”
That didn’t seem right, he thought. “How do you know so much about me?”
“Dungeon gossip,” said the vampire. “You know.”
“Oh,” said Finn. “Ok.”
“Look,” said the vampire. “If I tell you what my deal is, will you stop trying to get yourself killed?”
“No promises,” said Finn. “And also I don’t trust you.”
The vampire laughed. “Alright, man. Fair enough.”
She didn’t elaborate. “Wait,” said Finn. “I still want to know.”
“Promise me you’ll at least take out your tracker.”
“I already did,” said Finn. “I keep it in my backpack when I’m on missions and stuff. And I’m cloaked, and I—”
“Alright, dang,” said the vampire. “Thats kinda punk, little man.”
Finn smiled.
The castle had rules, and Finn had broken them, and somehow he was still alive. Nothing had happened. Except that once the Princess had pulled him aside, and pointed to a chambermaid. “She’s a spy,” she had said with barely contained delight. “She doesn’t think I know. Your—“ she poked him in the shoulder “fiancée sent her. She’s planning something. But I have it under control.”
And then the chambermaid had been gone. That was how the castle worked. The Princess might know he was talking to the vampire. She might just be waiting. A month passed, and then another.
“Finn?” said Princess Bubblegum. “Finn?”
He snapped back. He was sitting at the head table by the Princess’s left side. To her right, Goliad was doing her best impression of the Princess’s smug little smile.
“You drifted off there,” she said.
He shook his head. “Sorry, Princess.”
She laughed lightly. “Finn, I was just telling the Duke about the dragon you fought last week.” She smiled at him. “I’m really proud of you.”
“Oh! Yeah!” he said. “Yeah. Just doing my job.”
“You’re a very brave young man, Candy Knight,” said the Duke of Nuts. The Princess was watching the Duke like Timmy stalking a feather toy.
She’s going to crush you, thought Finn. “Thank you,” he said.
“Well,” said the Duke. He stood in front of the table. The Princess watched him with a small smile. A second ticked by, and then another.
“Dismissed,” she said. He bowed and then fled.
“Fine,” the vampire had said. “Bonnie used to be my friend. We betrayed each other. She won.”
The third time he visited the vampire, Princess Bubblegum was there. He heard her voice before he turned the corner.
“I wish you could meet my family,” she said, and Finn froze. “I know, that’s silly—” She laughed lightly. “But I think you’d like them.”
He could try to run again. It might work. The tunnel was long and echoey and dotted with eyes, and she could remotely disable a cloak if she suspected someone was there. He waited.
“I guess you’re not feeling chatty,” said the Princess. Finn peaked around the corner. She was sitting on the stone dungeon floor, her back against the heavy iron cell door. Her suit jacket was draped over her arm, and her tie hung loosely around her neck. There was a remote in her hand. “That’s fine. I won’t force you.” She sighed. “If you could just—this would be easier with your help, Marceline.”
Marceline. The vampire was named Marceline. Someone, somewhere, had cared enough to give the vampire a name. Bonnie used to be my friend, she had said.
He uncloaked. “Princess?” he called. “Are you there?”
He heard her gasp, and his heart skipped. “Finn?” she said. He heard her footsteps draw closer. “Finn, what are you doing here?”
“I was looking for you,” he said. “I needed to talk to you about something, and Pep said you were probably in the dungeons.”
“He shouldn’t have told you that,” she said gently, rounding the corner, and Finn felt a stab of guilt. Peppermint Butler would be fine, probably. He was too important for anything really bad to happen to him. “But that’s alright. What did you need to talk about?”
“I don’t want to marry Phoebe,” he said. No. That was the wrong thing to say.
“Oh, Finn,” said the Princess. “You know her father and I have an agreement.”
“Can’t you call it off?” he said. “He has to listen to you. You’re the Princess.”
“I wish it was that simple,” said the Princess. “You know the situation with the flame county is delicate.”
“I know—I’m sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“That’s ok,” she said. “I want you to tell me anything that’s bothering you.” She glanced backwards, quickly, to the vampire’s—Marceline’s—cell. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”
She didn’t take him back through the secret tunnel. They wound up through the dungeon. It got less quiet. Less empty. He heard someone lose at a card game—laughingly cursing his friends as he threw down his cards. He heard someone else playing the guitar. Someone was weeping in the corner of her cell.
But chatter died when the Princess passed by. As soon as she entered a block of cells it went quiet. The girl weeping froze, hands pressed to her eyes. The prisoners watched them. The guards stood up straighter. It stayed quiet until they were out of earshot.
He always took the same route that the Princess probably did to see the vampire—an empty staircase, dimly lit and dotted with eyes in the walls, cutting straight through stone to the lower levels, where dangerous prisoners were held completely alone in the dark. No one would see the Princess visit the vampire. No one would see him either.
He didn’t like seeing this much of the dungeon. He especially didn’t like seeing people he had put in there. It was the kind of thing Goliad made fun of him for. He knew why they had to be there. He knew they were dangerous. He knew every single one had been locked up for a good reason.
But he still didn’t like it.
“We’re almost there,” said Princess Bubblegum. “I really do appreciate your sympathy for them.”
“Really?”
“Of course,” she said. “It helps to remind me how important it is to be fair to them. To be a good ruler. You can’t let sentiment make your decisions for you, of course—” She grinned. “Which is why I’m the Princess, and you’re not. But it’s good to consider these things.”
“Princess—if you—” he said. “If I thought you were doing something wrong—”
She stopped walking. Turned. Bent down to his level. “Do you?”
“If I did—”
“I’d want you to tell me, Finn,’ she said softly. “You know that.”
“Dude, you played that so good,” said Marceline. “I’m impressed. I was sure that’d be it for you.”
“Do you think she’s figured out—”
“Nah,” said Marceline. “She’d come crying to me if she knew her ward had betrayed her.”
“I wish I could talk to her about this,” said Finn. “Or—anyone, really. Even Goliad, even though she’d just say I’m being a baby. Maybe you’re just really good at jacking with my brain and I can’t figure it out because I’m not that smart.”
“I think you’re pretty smart,” said Marceline. “You’re not dead yet. That’s something.”
“I don’t get why you have to stay locked up in here,” said Finn. “You’re not dangerous, I don’t think.”
“Yes I am, Finn.”
“To the kingdom, I mean.”
“Finn—” said Marceline. “You really believe in her, don’t you?”
“Of course I do! That’s why none of this makes sense!”
“You’re just a kid, man,” said Marceline.
“That’s what everyone says!”
“You’re right,” said Marceline. “That’s my bad.”
“The Princess is good to people,” said Finn. “She keeps people safe. She takes care of them. She feeds people with her sweet bio-engineering. Ooo was a wasteland before her. The first safe city after the mushroom war was the Candy Kingdom capital. I know you’ve got some kind of personal biz with her, but—”
“Some personal biz,” said Marceline drily. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“But you can’t pretend the Candy Kingdom isn’t a good thing,” said Finn. “Not perfect. I know that. But good. People don’t have to be scared all the time. Because we protect them.”
Marceline made a noise that almost sounded like a laugh.
“A few years ago I fought the Lich,” said Finn. Marceline hissed. “It nearly killed the Princess, Marceline. It nearly killed everyone. Everything is so close to falling apart, man. I don’t like—I don’t always like how the Princess does things, but we need her. The continent needs her.”
“Dude,” said Marceline. “Yeah. I get it.”
“You do?”
“I mean, like. You’re wrong. But I get it.”
“But I don't get you,” said Finn. “You don’t make sense.”
“I’m here for the same reason as everyone else, Finn,” said Marceline. “I’m a threat to the kingdom.”
“Why do I trust you?” said Finn.
—
“Candy Knight,” said Goliad. “Target #14-4-10 at two o’ clock.”
“I see him, Goliad,” said Finn. “Can we get a light?” A searchlight flooded the alley. “Perfect.”
The target wasn’t hard to track. Every camera in the city swiveled to follow him. Now the searchlight was locked.
The target froze. He was candy, which made it an easy assignment. He would never have known anything but the sweep of the searchlights and the whirr of the drones. It was in his bones. Which he might not have. That wasn’t the point. The point was that Candy People froze when anyone from the Court so much as looked at them. He stood shaking in the light of the drone as Finn dropped to the alley in front of him, sword drawn. Goliad stalked the roof above them.
“Candy Knight—” said the target. “I’m sorry. Please.”
“No,” said Finn. This was easy. This made sense. “You broke the law.”
The target had been friends with a dissident who the Princess had replaced. And then he’d sliced the replacement in half with a kitchen knife. It had seemed stupid and impulsive and unplanned. They had caught it on three different cameras. The target had panicked and fled. He had no connections and nowhere to run.
“I don’t want to—” said the target. Finn should have been paying attention. It was an easy, routine assignment. He had been distracted. Overconfident. He should have already been too close for the target to draw a weapon faster than him.
The death ray fired right as Goliad pounced, sending the beam of light ricocheting through the air.
“Excellent work, Candy Knight,” she said smugly, paw pressing the target into the street. “I especially liked when you spaced out and I had to save your butt.”
“I didn’t think he’d have a gun!” said Finn.
Goliad inspected it, her neck twisting. “Stolen, as I suspected,” she said. She grinned. “Mother will want to know who was careless enough to lose this.”
Finn’s stomach twisted. “Right,” he said. “Yeah.”
“It’s funny, Finn,” said Goliad.
He felt sick. “Can you let him get up?” said Finn.
Goliad huffed. She grabbed the gun in her teeth, and stepped back, sitting primly on her haunches.
The target—a small upside down ice cream cone—slowly stood up.
“We have to take you back to the castle,” said Finn. He tried to look intimidating.
“The Candy Knight,” said Goliad. “Will take you back to the castle. I have more important work to do.”
“What—” said Finn. “Goliad!”
“We need to keep a united front, Finn,” said Goliad. “No arguing. Just like mother says.” And then she was gone.
“Hey man,” said Finn.
“Hey,” said the target warily.
“Are you gonna try to run again?”
“Nah,” said the target. “Wouldn’t do any good.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah.”
“You want to start walking, or?”
“Not really.” But he did. The searchlight swept away and the drones whirring faded, leaving them in the flickering street lights of a back alley. Finn followed him, sword drawn, but it didn’t matter. The fight had gone out of the target. He just looked tired.
“Stop,” said Finn, once they reached the corner. He activated his beacon. “We’re waiting for a car.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” said the target. “That thing.”
“What?”
“The—you know. The clone. It’s not like he had a choice.”
“You’re a criminal,” said Finn.
“Is he alright?”
“What? Yeah. Of course.”
“Ok.”
“You’re not allowed to slice people in half,” said Finn. “Are you trying to make me feel bad for you?”
“No,” said the target. “I guess I kind of don’t care anymore.”
“Marceline?” said Finn.
“What’s up.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
She laughed. “So you came here?”
“Marcy, who were you? Before?”
She exhaled. “That’s kind of a big question, man.”
“I know,” he said. “Just tell me one thing. I don’t know anything about you.”
“Well,” said Marceline. “I guess I used to be a rockstar.”
“No way.”
“That’s how I met Bonnie, actually,” said Marceline. “She came to one of my concerts.”
“I don’t want to talk about her,” said Finn.
“Real.” said Marceline. “Ok, yeah. I was a rockstar. I had this sick bass—”
“You played the bass?” said Finn.
“Hell yeah I did,” said Marceline. “I used to sing, too. I was really good.”
“Can I hear something?”
“No way,” said Marceline. “I’m way out of practice. Plus all my songs were about my ex.”
Finn thought for a moment. “The one we don’t want to talk about?”
It was quiet. “Yeah,” said Marceline. “Alright. Your turn.”
“What?”
“Something I don’t know about you.”
“I play the flute,” said Finn.
“No way!”
“I’m not very good. Uh—I was raised by dogs,” said Finn. “I don’t remember much about it—I was really young when the Princess brought me to the castle.”
“Joshua and Margaret.”
“What?”
“Your parents. The dogs. Their names were Joshua and Margaret.”
“What?”
“I hear a lot about you, man.”
Joshua and Margaret. “Do you know anything about them?”
“Not very much. All second hand,” said Marceline. “Bonnie wasn’t very impressed with them.”
“She’s not impressed with anyone.”
Marceline laughed. “Yeah. One of the reasons it didn’t work out.”
“She didn’t like your music?”
“Oh, no, she loved my music,” said Marceline. “It was everything else she didn’t like.”
Finn tried to imagine the Princess at a rock concert. He giggled.
“What,” said Marceline. “You don’t believe me?”
“Not really,” said Finn. The Princess at a rock concert. Cheering for her favorite rock band. Joshua and Margaret. “Thanks, Marcy.”
“Don’t you dare fall asleep on me,” said Marceline.
“Finn has a secret,” sang Goliad. He blinked awake. He was in his own bed. He hadn’t fallen asleep in the dungeons. “Finn has a secret.” She was standing over him, staring into his face.
“Goliad?”
“Guess what, Finn,” said Goliad.
“What.”
“Mother needed my help with an interrogation yesterday.”
“Oh,” said Finn. “I don’t like those.”
“She unsewed my eye for the interrogation, Finn.”
He felt dread curl in his stomach.
“Yes, Finn. And do you know what I did when my eye was unsewn? I took a look around.”
“No.”
“Yes, Finn. You’re terrified of my mother. You’re sympathizing with prisoners. You’re talking to one of them. Planning something. Worrying about her. It’s all you can think about, Finn.”
“I’m not planning anything!” said Finn. Goliad blinked innocently. “I’m not—I just. I need someone to talk to sometimes.”
“You need someone to talk to.”
“Yeah,” said Finn.
“So you decided to sneak off to the dungeon to make friends.”
“Yeah,” said Finn.
Goliad blinked. “The sad thing is I sort of believe you.”
“Goliad, please. You can’t tell—”
“I haven’t told mother anything,” said Goliad.
“Thank glob.”
“Yet.”
“Goliad,” said Finn. “Listen.”
“She’ll figure it out, you know,” said Goliad. “Her perfect Candy Knight. A traitor.”
“I’m not a traitor!”
“Hush,” said Goliad. “Someone will hear you.”
“Goliad,” said Finn. “What do you want?”
“I want—” Her tail lashed. “Shut up, Finn!”
Goliad bounded off. Finn turned over, closed his eyes, and tried to pretend to be going back to sleep. He heard his window shatter.
“I think I’m making a mistake,” said Finn.
“Yeah,” said Marceline. “Probably.”
“It’s about uh—I think #14-10-4,” said Finn. “The guy we brought in.”
“Yes?” said Princess Bubblegum. “You did an excellent job. I’m aware Goliad ditched you. I’ve spoken to her about that.”
“Not that,” said Finn. “I don’t think he should be in jail.”
She looked up from her book, startled, and turned to face him. Finn took a step back. “Why is that, Finn?”
“I—he’s not a bad guy,” said Finn. “He just got scared. His friend was suddenly gone and he freaked out.”
“His friend wasn’t gone,” said the Princess. “She was replaced. It was still her, just a new version.”
“But—” No, he thought. No, that doesn’t make sense. She was gone. You killed her. “I know that,” said Finn. “But he didn’t. He thought—I’m sorry, Princess. You asked me to tell you if something was bothering me.”
“I did,” said Princess Bubblegum. “And I’m glad you did. But, Finn—I know you’re getting older. And I know that means asking more questions. But I’ve been a little worried about this. I’ve never had any doubts about your loyalty, but—” “No!” said Finn. “No, I promise. I’m not a traitor.”
“You’ve been questioning me lately,” said the Princess. “You know I have to make difficult decisions.You should be grateful that you don’t have to.”
“But #14-10-4—”
“Is dead, Finn,” said the Princess gently. “I didn’t mean to kill him. I had tests I needed to run, and he was a prisoner. He redeemed himself to the Kingdom in the end.”
“You shouldn’t have killed him,” said Finn. It all made sense. She shouldn’t have killed him. “You shouldn’t have killed him,” he said again, and it was still obviously true.
“Finn,” said Princess Bubblegum. Her voice had gone cold. “We’ll talk about this later.”
“No,” he said.