Work Text:
Atsushi woke up with a start.
Sure, the night terrors weren’t new to him. After all, he’d been having them as long as he could remember. For a while, it was the same scenes – the orphanage, voices yelling at him, degrading and insulting him, putting him out on the streets. Until they started changing shape.
A ship.
The swift slice of a blade into skin.
“Away with you, fool.”
But this was the first night terror in months. Sleep had actually been coming to him easier, these days. And then it hit him – this was the first night he had slept alone in months. The night terrors began to subside when he got used to being woken from them and held carefully until he slipped back into sleep again, this time being peaceful (even if he had weird dreams that were akin to the time Dazai tried to overdose on mushrooms).
He ran his hands down his face, through his hair, and then dropped them at his sides. He’d never get back to sleep now. He got up out of bed, tried not to think about how painfully empty the other side was, and walked over to the window. Yokohama shone below. Home. A vast sea of darkness spotted with lights that stretched out for miles and miles, eventually blending into Tokyo. Where his boyfriend currently was.
He hadn’t realised just how much it would affect him, Akutagawa being away. It was just a brief work trip, but he already missed him more than he ever imagined he would. His hands itched to call his boyfriend, to hear his voice, to comfort himself.
No, he thought.
That was silly. Akutagawa was alive. He was fine. They both were. He got himself a glass of water, and forced himself back to sleep.
-
“So, how is Tokyo?”
Atsushi slipped out of the ADA office door, into the hallway. He couldn’t have a conversation with his boyfriend in there, what with Dazai and Yosano making kissy faces at him the whole time.
“It’s fine,” came the monotone reply.
“That’s not very convincing, Ryuunosuke,” Atsushi replied.
“Well, it is work after all.” A pause. “And I miss you, I suppose,” Akutagawa added, quietly.
“I miss you too, of course. You know you can call me at any time, and I’ll answer, yeah? And… I can phone you too. Right?”
“Of course,” Akutagawa replied quickly. “Is everything okay?” Atsushi could practically see his boyfriend’s confused expression and furrowed brow through the line.
“Yes! Yes. Yeah. Everything is totally fine here!”
Oh god. Atsushi face palmed at his inability to just be casual. He really didn’t want Akutagawa to panic and come home. It was an important job, he knew that, and they had agreed when they got together that their relationship wouldn’t jeopardise their careers, especially as Akutagawa grew closer to becoming an executive. Akutagawa would continue in the Port Mafia, and Atsushi would continue in the Detective Agency, and they’d find a way to fit their relationship around everything. And it had been working so well - until now.
“Hm. If you say so.”
Yeah. His boyfriend was totally unconvinced.
-
Again, Atsushi woke up with a start. He sat straight up, panting, the pressure of forming tears in his eyes.
This one had been different. The horror of seeing Akutagawa as a vampire, and his black, lifeless eyes. His own voice, pleading with Akutagawa to remember him, all the while thinking to himself on the inside, if he comes back, I’ll tell him. If he comes back, I’ll confess.
He let tears spill down his cheeks silently and hugged Akutagawa’s pillow to his chest. It felt ridiculous to be so upset over memories that felt so far away now that Akutagawa had come back, and he had confessed, and they had started building a life for themselves, together. But he missed him so much, and he hadn’t spent so much time away from him since well before their relationship started. It began after everything with the Decay of Angels ended. As the smoke cleared, they spent more time together. Training turned into grabbing lunch together, which turned into long walks throughout the city, then leading to Atsushi confessing his feelings on a walk through Harbour View Park after a particularly sleepless night. There had been no looking back from there.
Maybe it would be okay to phone Akutagawa. He said it was okay, right? And he wouldn’t tell him about the night terrors, he could just say he missed him. Yeah, Atsushi thought, that would be okay.
Akutagawa picked up almost instantly.
“Weretiger? It’s 2AM. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing!” Atsushi replied. Damnit, he thought, that sounded too panicked. “I just- just wanted to hear your voice.”
“I see.” And maybe Akutagawa was reading Atsushi like a book (like he normally did), because despite being a man of few words, he asked, “Do you want to hear about the trip?”
Atsushi breathed a sigh of relief at the lack of further questions.
“Yes, please.”
-
“Wow, Atsushi, you look exhausted! Is Akutagawa keeping you up late?” Dazai asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Atsushi rolled his eyes and continued picking at his lunch. Normally, his lunch was leftovers from whatever they had cooked for dinner the night before (or rather, Akutagawa had cooked and Atsushi had obediently passed him ingredients. Since living together, Akutagawa had discovered somewhat of a passion for cooking) – but today, his old usual of instant ramen would have to do. “If you must know, he’s away on business this week.”
“Ah, I see. So our little Atsushi is upset and missing his boyfriend,” Dazai giggled.
Atsushi slumped further down is his chair. He couldn’t exactly confirm that Dazai was right, or he’d be subjected to teasing from the entire office.
“Aw, Atsushi,” Dazai cooed, sliding over in his desk chair. “Cheer up. Chuuya goes on away trips all the time, and I manage!”
“Didn’t you try to kill yourself last time he went away?”
“No, that was the time before. Last time he just whined about it until Kunikida hit him over the head with his notebook,” Ranpo said from across the office.
Atsushi buried his head in his hands. Only a few more days to get through, and then he could finally get a good night’s sleep again.
-
That night, he didn’t dream of anything. In fact, his mind remained almost like static, in a state of nothingness.
He woke up, shocked that he wasn’t crying, or sweating, or panting, like he had become accustomed to. But he was definitely wide awake now, and knew getting back to sleep now would be impossible. May as well get up and do something for a while, instead of tossing and turning, he thought. But as he went to sit up, he realised he couldn’t move. Every muscle in his body felt paralysed. An attack from an ability user? But as he scanned his eyes across the room, he realised he was alone. Again, he desperately tried to move anything, his head, his legs, even a hand. But nothing.
And that was when he saw the shadow in the corner. No, he thought, it can’t be. But it looked almost identical – the headmaster. Just standing there, lurking, his face obscured by the pitch darkness. Atsushi felt his heart rate pick up as panic and fear raced through his bloodstream. Pure fear filled his heart and pressure began to build in his chest.
The headmaster is dead. It’s not real. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, he thought, repeating it like a mantra.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to think of something that would calm him down. His boyfriend. What would Akutagawa do if he was here?
Akutagawa was always so good in moments when Atsushi got worked up. It happened often, whether Atsushi had just had a bad day at work, or had seen someone that looked a little too much like the headmaster pass them on the street. Akutagawa would always move a little closer, protectively, and place a hand on his arm before leaning in to whisper, ‘It’s okay. Breathe, Atsushi’.
Don’t panic, he thought, just breathe. That’s what Ryuunosuke would say.
And so he lay there, breathing in, out, in out, for what felt like the longest stretch of eternity. Eventually, he drifted off back to sleep.
When he woke up, daylight poured in the windows. He checked the time.
6:32 AM.
Great. So he had slept a whopping four hours. Or less, really, considering how long his sleep paralysis had felt. But, at the very least, the headmaster was gone.
He needed Akutagawa home.
-
Atsushi had never felt so poorly rested in his whole life. He’d had some better sleeps in the orphanage. His back hurt, he still felt sleepy, and he could hardly keep a thought in his head for more than a minute at a time.
First, he’d handed in a report completely riddled with mistakes – Kunikida had come over to his desk, the intent to reprimand him written all over his face, only to notice the pale colour of his face, in contrast to his dark circles, and instead offered him a cup of coffee.
Then, when Kenji started pleading with him to accompany him on his mission, he’d snapped at him. He felt truly terrible when he saw the look on Kenji’s face. He really hadn’t meant to use that tone with him, but the idea of going on a mission at that moment was impossible. Sitting upright at his desk was enough of a challenge. He wouldn’t last running around at the pace Kenji tended to go at on missions.
The entire office seemed to notice his awful mood, and began to avoid him. Even Dazai didn’t come over to bug him.
When he finally went for his lunch break, he found Dazai sitting in a booth in the downstairs café, accompanied by Chuuya.
“Shit, kid. You don’t look so good. You look like you’ve slept less than this idiot.”
“Hey, Chuuya! Mean!” Dazai pouted. “But he is right, Atsushi. You look dreadful. As your wonderful, talented, caring, and incredibly handsome, mentor, I must make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”
“I’m okay…I guess. Not so easy to sleep when you’re by yourself,” Atsushi shrugged.
Chuuya offered him a sympathetic smile. “I’ll go order you a coffee,” he said, getting up to order at the counter
With Chuuya gone, Dazai turned fully to Atsushi. “Have you spoken to Akutagawa about this?”
“Well…no, not really. But I don’t want to bug him! He must have so much going on, this would only be an added burden!” Atsushi avoided eye contact. He already had a feeling about what Dazai would say next.
“Atsushi. Talk to him. You can trust him with this.”
“I know, but – “
“Atsushi,” Dazai said firmly. “Akutagawa loves you. He would want you tell him.”
Atsushi sighed, and stood up to leave. “I’m going to ask Chuuya if I can get that coffee to go.”
As he walked away, Dazai face palmed behind him. Well, he would just have to meddle then, wouldn’t he?
-
“Weretiger. Chuuya told me over the phone earlier that you’ve not been keeping too well.”
Atsushi grit his teeth. So Dazai had made sure Akutagawa would find out one way or another.
“I’m fine. Just a bit of work stress, but nothing I can’t handle.”
“Hm. Are you at home?”
“Yep, just this minute got in.”
Atsushi dumped his bag on the couch and flopped down beside it.
“What are your plans for the rest of the night?” Akutagawa asked.
“Well, probably just having dinner and then go to bed,” Atushi replied.
He felt so guilty, not telling his boyfriend. Deep down, he knew Dazai was right – Akutagawa would want to know if Atsushi was struggling. But he just felt so guilty, like such a burden. While he didn’t know specifics, he knew his boyfriend’s mission was an important one, and he also knew that Akutagawa would abandon it and come straight back home the second Atsushi asked him to.
His worried thoughts were broken by muffled voices from the other line.
“I have to go,” Akutagawa said, sounding annoyed, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Ryuu! Your mission is important, and you’re busy, I get it. We can talk tomorrow.” Atsushi tried to make his tone sound as cheery as possible, to mask his disappointment. He was hoping a long conversation with his boyfriend might relax him, and maybe even lull him to sleep, a peaceful sleep. A nap for an hour or two was exactly what he needed.
From the other end of the line, Akutagawa sighed. “I love you, Atsushi. Please tell me if something is wrong. I’ll drop everything, you know that, right? I’ll call you first thing tomorrow. Bye.”
Atsushi stared helplessly at the ceiling. That was exactly the problem.
-
White tendrils of Rashomon from Akutagawa’s shirt raised the fire extinguisher in the air. Their surprise attack may have failed, but they could still win this.
The sickening sound of ame-no-gozen moving through the air broke Atsushi out of his hopeful thoughts.
Blood spurted out across the floor of the ship. Akutagawa fell to his knees, and all Atsushi could do was watch.
All he could do was watch.
His throat burned as he screamed. Despite the blood pouring out his neck, Atsushi couldn’t tear his eyes away from Akutagawa’s, watching as the fierce flame that normally burned in the pitch black of his eyes flickered. In those ten seconds, he felt the pain of a hundred years. He saw Akutagawa’s mouth move, but he couldn’t hear him. His mind filled with blurred memories of their first kiss down at Harbor View Park, the first time he heard Akutagawa’s laugh as they ate dinner together on the first night Atsushi slept over, the nights they would spend up on rooftops, one’s head resting on the other’s shoulder, just talking as they stared out at the sea and city lights. How could he live without Akutagawa?
But wait, he thought, these memories haven’t happened yet.
Ah. It’s another dream.
The clarity of this realisation was so strong, it made him shoot upright in bed, awake. Confused, he stood up, wide-eyed and panting. The air of the apartment felt stifling. His breathing quickened and his palms grew clammy as they balled into tight fists pressing against his chest.
He slowly walked to the bathroom, and splashed cold water on his face, trying to breathe the way Akutagawa would get him to. In. Hold. Out. Hold. Repeat.
His breathing finally slowed, but the thought of his boyfriend brought tears to his eyes. He stumbled back to the bedroom, and, as if on autopilot, grabbed his phone and dialled Akutagawa’s number.
“Hello?”
The sleepy voice on the other line made Atsushi’s chest hurt, with longing, and guilt, and love. He tried his to hold back a sob, but couldn’t. He broke down in tears before he could get a hold of himself, wailing and hiccupping, all white Akutagawa tried to soothe him. “Shhhh,” he whispered, “it’s okay. It’s okay, Atsushi.”
When Atsushi eventually calmed down, with even breaths (aside from the occasional hiccup), Akutagawa spoke again, “Now. Do you want to tell me what that was all about?”
“I just…I had a nightmare. About the boat. About…y’know…” he trailed off.
“I know. Have you been having a lot of nightmares? Is that what’s been wrong?”
“No, no, not at all! Just this once, I swear. I’ve just been working a lot!”
“Hm. Okay. Well, I wish I could be with you right now,” Akutagawa sighed. “Just remember, that’s all in the past. I promise you I’m alive and well, and I will be home before you know it, Weretiger. I love you. Do you want me to stay on the phone till you fall asleep?”
“Yes please,” Atsushi said, crawling back into bed and burying his face in the pillow on the other side of the bed, breathing in the smell of his boyfriend’s fancy conditioner. “I love you too. Goodnight, Ryunosuke.”
“Goodnight, Atsushi.”
-
Atsushi woke the next morning to a text from his boyfriend, simply saying: “Remember to get groceries.”
Great. Another thing on his to-do list.
He dragged himself to work, feeling as though he was just going through the motions. He made it through a meeting, managing to give a couple of suggestions here and there, and then spent the rest of the day at his desk, grateful that it was just an admin day for him (and that Dazai and Kunikida were out on a mission).
As requested, he stopped to go food shopping on the way home. As he unpacked the bags later at home, he realised he had bought all of Akutagawa’s favourites by accident. Oh well. He would just have to hope they kept for the next couple of days, until his boyfriend got home.
He went about his usual routine – he showered, he tidied a bit, he called Kyoka to chat for a while, and then he made dinner.
It was just as he sat down to eat dinner when the front door opened, causing Atsushi to step out into the hall in a fleeting moment of panic.
“I’m home.”
His boyfriend’s typical, monotone greeting rang out from the apartment entrance as he hung up his coat and slipped off his shoes. Atsushi stood motionless, dumbfounded at his boyfriend’s early return.
Akutagawa looked at Atushi and raised one eyebrow.
“Well, this isn’t exactly the excited reaction I was expecting.”
“Sorry! I’m sorry, of course I’m happy to see you,” Atsushi said, rushing forward to wrap his arms around Akutagawa’s neck, squeezing him tight. “What are you doing back already?”
“My weretiger was upset. I had to come home didn’t I?” He cut Atsushi off before he could protest, “And before you complain, there are plenty of Port Mafia men also currently in Tokyo that can make up for my absence. Missing the last couple of days wont make a difference. It just means a slightly lower pay next month – but, my job being what it is, I think we’ll manage. Your wellbeing is far more important.”
Atsushi leaned back to cover Akutagawa’s face in as many kisses as he could before getting pushed away, and then lopped his arms back around his boyfriend, holding him tighter than ever before. “Thank you, Ryuu. I love you so much. You have no idea how happy I am to have you home.”
Akutagawa gave a small laugh, and peeled himself away to walk to the kitchen and start going through the cupboards. “An instant noodle dinner will not suffice. I’ll cook something, go and sit down. I can’t believe you actually went out groceries. You’re starting to get the hang of being an adult!”
Atsushi giggled. “Well, you did ask me to.”
-
Akutagawa waited until they were properly fed, and curled up together on the couch, before approaching the subject. Of course, he knew Atsushi wasn’t letting on about the full extent of his wellbeing, he didn’t need to be physically there to tell. But he had hoped it was just Atsushi missing him that was upsetting him. He knew the feeling. He had felt it the entire time he was away.
However, upon seeing his boyfriend’s face, white as a ghost, contrasting with the accompanying
deep, dark circles under his eyes, that it became more apparent to him that the matter was something else almost entirely.
They sat with Atsushi pressed to Akutagawa’s side, legs thrown over his lap, and his head resting on his shoulder. Akutagawa took a deep breath.
“Atsushi, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be entirely honest with me, okay?”
Atsushi swallowed. He knew what was coming.
“How have you been doing? And I mean, really. Please don’t lie to me this time.”
Atsushi bit his lip anxiously. There really was no avoiding this conversation, especially not when Akutagawa was string at him with his big, dark eyes, the same eyes that Atsushi watched the life drain from in his dream last night.
“Well…,” he nervously started. “I, uh. I guess I’ve been having some nightmares. Like, quite often. Or, well…every night, to be honest. Since you went away.”
Akutagawa moved to wrap his arms around Atsushi’s waist and nodded for him to continue.
“It’s sometimes about my childhood, and the orphanage and the headmaster. But other times it’s about the conflict with the Decay of Angels. The battle with Fukuchi. And…you dying. That was last night.”
Akutagawa nodded, and moved a hand up to Atsushi’s hair, twirling a silver lock between his fingers. “Is that everything?” he asked.
“I think so. Although, uh. There was this one thing one night…,” Atsushi trailed off.
“Go on.”
“Well, it was like I woke up. But I couldn’t move. And the headmaster,” his voice wobbled and his bottom lip trembled. Tears filled his eyes, but he continued. “He was in our room. In the corner. I knew it wasn’t him, not really. But I couldn’t even lift a finger, I couldn’t move my head away from him. And I was scared. I was really scared,” Atsushi finished, tears silently spilling over down his cheeks now.
“Oh, Atsushi,” Akutagawa said, in such a gentle, kind tone that only Atsushi ever got to hear. It made Atsushi’s heart swell, and he cried harder, burying his head in his boyfriend’s neck. Akutagawa held him even tighter and kissed his forehead.
They sat like that until Atsushi’s sobs eventually slowed and stopped, and his eyes dried up. It felt good to finally get everything off his chest, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but worry that Akutagawa would be annoyed by his lack of honesty, and feel guilty.
“You must have a headache from crying. Come on, I’ll make some tea, and we can go get ready for bed. You’re calling in sick to work tomorrow. If you don’t want to do it, I will do it for you,” Akutagawa said, getting up from the couch.
Atsushi caught his wrist as he went to move away. “Wait, Ryunosuke! Are you not mad that I didn’t tell you?”
“Of course not, foolish weretiger.” Akutagawa sat back down on the edge of the couch and took Atsushi’s hands in his. “It took a lot of courage for you to tell me that. I understand why you kept it from me, but please, next time tell me. It would not have done any harm had I left the mission early. Between us, Chuuya has insinuated that the promotion to executive is as good as mine already, regardless of the mission. Now, go and get ready for bed,” he said, leaning in to meet Atsushi’s lips.
“I am not a foolish weretiger,” Atsushi mumbled into the kiss. “But thank you. I love you, future Port Mafia executive.”
Akutagawa gave a short laugh, before breaking the kiss and standing up again. “I’ll be through in a minute,” he said. “You’ll have a good sleep tonight, Atsushi, I promise.”
-
The sun filtered in through the gaps in the blinds. Atsushi opened his eyes, blinked once, twice, and then stretched his arms out. A head of black hair rested on his shoulder, Akutagawa’s body almost completely draped over him. Atsushi rolled over to face his boyfriend, who responded with a groggy, “Mmmph.”
“You slept for ages,” Akutagawa said sleepily. “It’s midday. I woke up early and called the Agency for you.”
Atsushi smiled and pulled Akutagawa closer, “Thank you.”
“How did you sleep?”
“I slept great actually. First nightmare free night in a while. Thank you for coming home early, and for taking care of me.”
“Atsushi, there is nothing that I would not do for you. And if that means missing a hundred missions where I cannot sleep beside you, then so be it.”
Atsushi sat up on one elbow and leaned down to kiss him on all over his face, until Akutagawa was protesting and trying to push him off, all the while Atsushi giggled and tried to pin his arms to the bed, keeping him still. When he had him restrained securely he leaned down and kissed his lips gently. “I love you, Ryuu. Now, I think it’s time for breakfast.”
Akutagawa smiled up at him. There was no place like home.