Chapter Text
They shouldn't be doing this, not at all.
It's highly suggested for them not to do these kinds of things, but with each other? It's forbidden.
They both know that.
They crossed this line years ago, both of them drunk.
The alcohol clearly made them both bolder, the unspoken words left their mouths.
After that night, they knew they fucked up, but there was no going back. All those years of subtle looks, touches that clearly meant more than they thought it would.
All of that led to this, they were both young.
They were naive, but at that time it felt good.
It felt right.
It still feels right, the problem is the feelings that came with all of this.
Jungkook really thought that things would be different.
Now, he was the only naive one here, because he really thought that this won't affect him, but it did.
It wears him down, eats him alive from the inside, he keeps quiet about it. He lets it consume him.
He never says no, he can't.
The warmth it brings when it's happening keeps him a little less cold when it all comes to an end. He tells himself that he accepted how things are.
It's all a lie.
They both lie to themselves, saying that this is okay.
“Fuck, you are beautiful.” He hears Taehyung grunt as Jungkook continues to lift up his hip a little and sink back down, he continues rolling his hips as his hands are roaming on the older one’s chest.
His legs tremble, slightly shaking as he continues to chase after his orgasm. It should be his third one tonight.
Taehyung lets his hand on his ass, pulling his cheeks apart as he helps Jungkook reach his orgasm by thrusting inside him. He can't help but moan and fall down a little, he keeps his hand on Taehyung’s shoulder clinging to him as the thrusts get harder.
“Yes, please please-” Jungkook begs for the other to touch him, to give him what he wants.
Taehyung doesn't say anything, he knows what to do. He smirks as flips them around. The younger one landed on his back, his legs spread apart by large hands.
He can't help but moan at the new position.
Their eyes meet as Taehyung starts the pace again, his body moves up and down with every thrust, their eyes never leaving each other's. Jungkook feels his heart sink, he knows- he must know that for him this means more.
It must mean more for both of them.
His heart breaks when he sees the other one shake his head and look down at Jungkook's body instead, his hands will leave bruises on his hip as he holds him down.
It's good, it's so fucking.
Jungkook feels his orgasm approaching, he keeps grabbing the sheets, pulling them whenever Taehyung's cock brushes against his prostate, they are both breathing heavily, their hair's sticking onto their foreheads. He doesn't know how long they have been fucking, he can't bring himself to care.
Taehyung starts getting rougher, his words more lewd and slurred. Jungkook feels his hips stuttering as he keeps thrusting inside the younger.
“Tae- harder please.” Jungkook begs him, he wants to cum.
His entire body feels hot, he arches his back so he can feel him deeper, he wants to feel him deeper.
“I can come inside huh? Only I get to fuck you raw like this, right baby?” Taehyung speaks to him as he wraps one of his hands around Jungkook's throat, he closes his eyes at the feeling. The older one listened to his pleas as he keeps fucking him harder, Jungkook feels his whole shudder as he came, it was so suddenly that he let's out a gasp, his legs violently shaking from the overstimulation.
Taehyung tightens his grip around his throat, making him even more breathless, but he doesn't say anything.
Taehyung knows he loves this, he loves it when he chokes him, pulls his hair, he loves the feeling of being held down.
He tightens up around Taehyung's cock and watches as he furrows his eyebrows, a groan leaves his mouth.
He knows he will cum soon, he can see him getting more desperate, his hips just bucking inside him.
“Answer me.” Taehyung growls as he slams his cock inside, his mouth leaves a gasp involuntarily.
He knows, Jungkook wouldn't even have to say it out loud, the older one lowers himself down, he can't keep himself up but his hips never stop moving inside him.
Their chests now pressed against each other.
Jungkook shouldn't, he knows that this will only make things worse for himself, but he can't help it. He needs warmth, he wants to feel like how it is, even if it's just sex. He puts his arm around Taehyung's shoulder pulling him even closer, and lets himself lean in,their lips meeting again. All of the small moans that come out of his mouth are swallowed up by Taehyung's, their tongues dancing around each other, and this feels right.
He lets his fingers wander, he touches Taehyung's hair, pulling it softly with every harder thrust. He feels his hips stutter breaking the rhythm as he comes inside him.
For a second, they are both breathing just onto each other's lips, Jungkook has his eyes shut painfully.
If he opens them, he knows what he would see.
Taehyung looked at him, and for a second he would believe that this could be something more after this, that this means more for them. Maybe this time will be different. That's what he sees in his eyes, but they never do anything about it.
He chases after Taehyung’s lips one more time, savouring every single second of it, this few minutes of feeling like he has it all.
He pulls away, and opens his eyes, his heart breaks as he watches him. Neither of them says anything for a few minutes, both of them just breathing the other in. He can't help but say it.
“Only you, you know it's only you.” Jungkook murmurs onto Taehyung lips, he cups the older one’s face, and lets himself have this. He can have this, just for a little more.
That breaks the spell- Taehyung nods as he pulls out and pulls away from him, Jungkook's hands still linger in the air as he watches him. This is what he hates the most, this feeling.
His whole body goes rigid as he watches the other gather his clothes, dressing up. Running his hand through his hair a few times before disappearing into the bathroom.
They might mean nothing to each other, but he always comes back with a warm towel to clean him up.
Like a cold bucket has been poured on his head, he feels the warm wet towel touch his face, his hands every single finger cleaned, or just simply touching it. Taehyung cleans him out there too, carefully because he knows he is sensitive. He holds him like a delicate thing.
It will only be like this for a few more seconds, he keeps telling himself to enjoy this while it lasts, he can't.
He really fucking can't, he feels sick of this.
He can't keep doing this to himself, but he does. He always lets him inside, he always lets him undress him. He lets him touch him because he wants to feel his hand on his body.
He wants him to kiss him, he wants him.
Jungkook has him right now, and he still can't help but feel sick at the thought of this being like every other night.
“I will be going to Las Vegas tomorrow, I thought that you may want to come with me, but I saw your schedule so I knew it wouldn't work.” Taehyung says as he looks at Jungkook for a moment, the older pulls the blanket up on his naked body.
Jungkook just watched him, it wasn't surprising to see that they are both busy. It was surprising how they even had time for this, fucking for hours, somehow they always made time for that these days, but never for an actual hang out.
It was either his place, or Taehyung's.
“Have fun in Vegas.” Jungkook feels the lump in his throat.
Taehyung just gives him a small smile and nods, he pats the bed before standing up, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. Jungkook watches him, too tired to get out of bed and let him out.
He used to do that, he slowly started doing it less, until he stopped doing it all together. He doesn't know why.
“Thanks, I will see you, yeah?” He looks back at Jungkook one more time, he doesn't trust himself to say anything without choking up with tears, so he just nods.
Taehyung is standing there for a few more seconds, like he is hesitating.
He waves once more before he turns around, leaving Jungkook alone.
Jungkook watches him leave, again and again and again.
A never ending circle. He told himself to be happy that he was able to even see him, with how busy both of them are.
He can't help it as the tears fall, he is just sitting up in this huge bed. Covered up by blankets, he still shivers.
He keeps telling himself that this is okay.
That they will be alright, that they are good.
He thought that maybe one day, Taehyung will stay one day, when he finally sees some kind of reason to stay. Jungkook wants to hope that there will be a time like this.
He just continues to lay there, watching the ceiling.
The emptiness slowly creeps up the walls, until it settles inside him once again, he shuts his eyes hoping that he can fall asleep.
It's two am.
Taehyung showed up at ten pm after a quick text asking Jungkook if he was home. He knew what the text meant when he read it, he told himself to lie something.
To say he has some friends over, but he didn't say anything like that.
He didn't say Taehyung for weeks now, or more like years.
During their mandatory service, they didn't see each other. Barely exchanging texts, Taehyung was especially busy during that time, so Jungkook just didn't bother him. So he texted back saying that he is home alone.
The buzz from his security system came fifteen minutes later, he let the man up who he didn't want to see, but needed to see him.
Taehyung looked good, during the military he was working out regularly, his skinny figure turned into these defined muscles. Jungkook thought he looked good before too but this is just a whole another level. Taehyung looks amazing, he looks healthy. Jungkook doesn't know why that warms his heart so much.
He sighs against the sheet's, it doesn't feel like he will sleep anytime soon. So he gets up and walks towards his bathroom, his legs are still trembling, his hips are red just like how he thought that they would be. He pushes the door open and looks into the mirror.
He just stares at himself, almost not recognizing who is standing in front of the mirror. He doesn't recognize himself.
His neck is red, littered with purple hickeys that go down till his chest.
His hair is a mess.
He doesn't recognize his face, the eye bags under his bloodshot eyes. He doesn't want to see what this does to him. He knows, he knows that this whole thing is ruining him, and he wants to stop. He just can't.
He can't say no to him.
Why would he? When they are fucking Taehyung looks at him like he is something precious. He doesn't look at him like they are just friends, he looks at him with those eyes that Jungkook loves so much.
He shuts his eyes, he feels cold and just- empty.
This happens every single time, when they started fucking he felt giddy afterwards, waiting eagerly for the next time.
Now, he just feels dread when he thinks when are they gonna repeat this again. He walks into his shower.
He just hopes the water will give him the same warmth that he feels when Taehyung holds him in his arms.
0________________0
Jungkook leaned back in his seat, he decided to stream today, hoping that maybe army’s can keep him distracted. He didn't have anything planned, he just played a few games.
It's been a week since Taehyung visited him, they haven't talked besides a few texts in their shared group chat with the other members.
He is almost a hundred percent sure that Taehyung isn't even in Korea right now, he doesn't want to check the schedule they sent in.
He is now chilling, he has been playing for hours now, and it did keep him distracted, he might do this again.
He opens Twitter from a burner account he has, his mood is sour as he blinks a few times to see pictures of Taehyung. As he reads the comments he realizes that he is in Hawaii with the Wooga squad. He bites the inside of his cheeks as he continues to look at the pictures.
He forces a smile as he quickly gathers himself to end the live, it's been a long one anyways so he doesn't feel guilty when he ends it. As the live ends and the screen goes black he slumps back in his chair. Jungkook looks back onto his phone. These were posted a few hours ago.
His phone lands on the desk as he tosses his iphone on it.
He doesn't know what he feels right now, he is mostly frustrated with the fact that the fans can't mind their business and take pictures of Taehyung and his friends clearly having fun on their vacation. Jungkook closes his eyes, breathing in.
His phone is buzzing suddenly, his throat closes up when he sees the called ID.
He wants to slap himself for picking it up this quickly. His heart is suddenly beating quickly, he presses the phone close to his ear.
“Kook? I uh, I just saw you ended the live.” Taehyung starts, his voice is unsure, and Jungkook can hear loud chatter in the back, but all he can focus on is his voice.
He hums, nodding to himself.
“Yeah um I was getting pretty tired you know? I mean I have been streaming for a long time now, and it's pretty late but why are you calling?” Jungkook rambles because he just wants this to last a little longer. He just wants to hear him.
“Yes, I saw. Why am I calling? I don't know, I'm just- I'm drunk and I wanted to hear you.” Taehyung says his voice soft, he hears him walking. Probably going further away from the loud noise. Jungkook hears him too clearly and that's the problem.
He is drunk, and he wanted to hear his voice.
In the past he would have smiled softly at this, teasing the other for thinking about him while he is out with his friends. He doesn't know what changed since then, now he just wants to laugh at the situation. This isn't the first time this has happened.
They have played these games so many fucking times that Jungkook lost count. He doesn't know why he keeps hurting himself like this, he wants to hear Taehyung, he wants to hear his voice- but the words that are coming out of his mouth makes him feel dread.
“Jungkook?” He hears the other call his name, and that pulls him back a little, he gives a small hum to let the other one know that he is still indeed here, because let's be honest?
How could he hang up? He is fucking naive and hopelessly in love with a lie.
“I'm here.” He murmurs back and he feels a relieved sigh, his heart breaks a little at that, he is now gripping the fabric of his hoodie.
“I'm glad, I really am- I am actually in Hawaii right now, and um I just- shit I just thought how much you would like this restaurant you know? It's been a while since we went anywhere, just the two of us.” Taehyung is now the one rambling and Jungkook shuts his eyes as he feels tears gather. He breaths in deeply.
“We are both busy Tae, we can't just go on a vacation right now.” He tries to fake a small chuckle, but it comes out wrong, this is the same circle they are running and it's just painful to even have this conversation.
“I know that, I just want to disappear a little- with you.” Taehyung says and this breaks his heart, he wants that too.
Fuck, he wants that so much.
He doesn't say anything, he holds back a sob that was threatening to escape, he hears Taehyung shift around.
“Yes, maybe that's what we both need you know? Just a little time to disappear, we both deserve that- I just want this and it sounds like such a big fucking deal even though it shouldn't, because we just can't do that. We can't keep doing this, but we can't do what we want either- so what is the point of all this? Why can't we just disappear for a little while?” He hears Taehyung get more agitated, and he doesn't even understand what he is talking about. He is talking so quickly, his tone now raised.
“Tae-” He tries to get some words in, ask him what he is talking about but he gets cut off.
“Jungkook, I can't keep doing this to you.” He hears the words he thought he would never hear. He was wrong though, it doesn't feel satisfying. He doesn't feel relieved, he feels sad.
He can't keep his tears back, they spill out as they slowly slide down on his face. He feels sick, this isn't how this call was supposed to go.
This is not how they were supposed to end up.
Yet, here they are.
“Then why do you keep hurting me?” He asks back, and he hears a sharp breath, and he knows Taehyung didn't expect him to ask this.
“I don't know.” He hears him say, it's so quiet he almost doesn't catch it, but he does.
“Taehyung?” He asks, his voice breaking, he feels his own tears on his lip, he doesn't bother to wipe his eyes.
“Yes?”
“You are hurting me, and it hurts so much.” His voice breaks as he continues crying, he doesn't know what kind of expression Taehyung has, he isn't sure he could see him right now and not break down even more.
“I know, I'm sorry.” He doesn't explain it, he doesn't elaborate, and Jungkook wants to know, he wants to know why do they keep doing this?
When they are both just hurting themselves with this.
“Then why do you keep doing this? Just tell me why?” He begs silently, hoping for an answer. Any kind of answer, anything. He just hoped the answer would give him some kind of closure, an explanation for everything.
For every kiss they shared, every night they spent together whispering sweet words to each other as they continued fucking.
For every time their fingers interlinked and the way they didn't let go of each other. He wants to know why, he wants to know why it doesn't hurt Taehyung as much as it hurts him.
“I don't know.”