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Willow knew he shouldn’t have gone straight to Michel’s. He knew he should have listened to Kuya Choll’s incessant nagging the entire car ride there. He needed to go home. Rest. Eat. Sleep. But he had been quick to brush them off with the excuse of not wanting his family to see him so broken. He wouldn’t even know where to start if Chan asked him about his day. Silence would only garner suspicion. Willow speaking with a barely-there whisper of a voice would raise all alarms.
He was still a little out of it after having just prevented a panic attack. His hands still trembled. Throat still hoarse. His head continued to throb with the beating of his heart. He didn’t know what he was doing. He wasn’t even sure if there was anything he could do.
So when the door to Michel’s cracked open only after a few knocks, Willow stumbled forward in surprise. “Kel?” He held onto the doorknob, expecting Michel to send him away before locking him out, but all he could hear was the shuffling of Michel’s feet.
He must’ve gone back to his room. If Willow were in his shoes, he wouldn’t want to see himself either, afraid he wouldn’t recognize the boy looking back at him. Afraid what that might mean.
For a moment, he thought of leaving if only to give his boyfriend the space he deserved. He could close the door and try again tomorrow so they have some time to gather their bearings. Kuya Chollo and Kuya Han would tell him it was wise. Willow could only think it would be selfish to turn down a gesture he never thought he would get. “Papasok ako, ha,” he said, hopefully loud enough for Michel to hear from the bedroom.
He stopped short at the foyer. The one-bedroom apartment was dark. He fumbled over the switches but decided against turning any of the lights on, wanting to sulk in the darkness himself. It wasn’t like he didn’t know his way around the small unit anyway. So with one hand on the wall, he went forward, straight to Michel’s room. He tried calling for his boyfriend’s name again but was only met with silence. When he finally felt the cool wooden door on his fingertips, he knocked one more time. “Kel.”
“Will.”
Willow jumped. He spun around to find Michel’s large figure, awkward and hunched over, bathed in dim moonlight in the middle of the living room. “Anong ginagawa mo dito?”
“This is my house.”
“Hindi ‘yan ‘yung ibig sabihin ko, Kel.” Willow forced out a chuckle, but it came out like a strangled cry. “Akala ko nasa kwarto ka na.”
“I was waiting for you.”
“Sabi ko kanila Kuya na ‘di ka na sabihan.”
“They didn’t tell me. I just thought you might. It was either that o kung ‘di ka dumating, I would go to you. I wanted to see you.” Michel took a deep breath. “And here you are.”
“Pero nasaktan kita, Kel.”
“I hurt you rin naman.”
“Baka kasi pinipilit mo lang sarili mong makita ako. O na kausapin ako. Ayokong pinipilit mo sarili mo, Kel. Handa naman akong magmakaawa para mapatawad mo.”
“What?” Michel said, his voice laced with disgust at the word. “‘Magmakaawa?’”
“Ako naman may kasalanan.”
“I’m not gonna make you beg, Will.”
“Kaya ko naman.” Willow wavered. He knew he shouldn’t have gone straight to Michel’s, but old habits die hard and perhaps that would always be scarier than facing something new and unknown. “Kakayanin ko para sa ating dalawa. Pwede pa naman, ‘di ba? Ako naman mahal mo, ‘di ba?”
Realization set in Michel. “Oh, Lovely.”
“Kel? Please?”
Michel was quick on his feet after Willow’s first sob. He closed the distance between them and wrapped his boyfriend in a tight embrace.
Willow had known there would be a shift in the relationship the closer they got to graduation. He had tried to make the most of it; tried to study with Michel, write his thesis while Michel worked on his own, helped Michel with whatever needed to be done for his small business. The last three months had been blissful. Busy. They didn’t have time to fuss over the small, complicated details of their relationship.
After all, they were both still learning. Michel was willing to wait. Willow was willing to change. Imposing a deadline would have been volatile, so they didn’t. A countdown ticked in the back of Willow’s head anyway and it finally reached zero.
Feeling the weight of the night on his shoulders, Willow let himself sink to the floor, bringing down Michel with him. They stayed there, arms wrapped around each other, with the sound of their own choked breathing as their only company.
“I don’t know where to start,” Michel said, finally breaking the charged silence. He sounded just as wrecked as Willow felt, desperation oozing out of every word. Willow rested his head on Michel’s chest and all of Michel’s limbs were clutching onto him. “I’ve never felt this lost before.”
“Pasensya na, Kel. ‘Di ko rin alam anong gawin, eh.”
“Pwede tayong magsimula with what we know?”
Willow nodded.
“Alam kong…” Michel let out a long sigh. “I know I love you.”
“Mahal rin kita.”
“Pero I also know na ‘di na pwedeng we stop at ‘I love you’s.’” Michel planted a soft kiss into Willow’s hair. “I want this to work, Will. I don’t want to lose you, okay? Takot ako. And I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life. Takot akong baka mali ang sasabihin ko o ang gagawin ko. And I really did try kanina. I tried to think about what you would want me to do. What the right thing to do would be.”
“Tama ka naman. Magkaibigan kayo ni Lucky. Wala kayong ginawa na ‘di pwedeng gawin ng dalawang magkaibigan.”
“Pero I hurt you.”
“Hindi, Kel. Sariling problema ko ang nasaktan ako. Wala kang ginawa.”
“That doesn’t even make any sense, Willow.”
“Wala kang ginawa, Kel—”
“Pero I did! I did do something!”
Willow pulled away and bit his lip. “May ginawa ka with Lucky?”
“Not like that—” Michel groaned. He pulled Willow back to him and wiped the tears away from his lashes. “Not like that, Lovely, okay? I could never do that to you. What I mean is I’m not blind. I know Lucky likes me and I knew what he was doing the whole time pero since he never mentioned anything, I didn’t either. Ewan ko why he has never formally asked me out. Maybe out of respect kay Jax. Maybe he was afraid he’d end up like him. Pero when we hung out last Saturday, we just fell back into our old ways. It was purely platonic on my end—it always has been kahit dati pa—pero it felt…nice. Like I was being doted on and showed off. I didn’t feel on edge. It was like I had nothing to prove. Wala akong pakialam sinong makakakita sa’min. Before I realized what I was doing and what I’d been feeling, you were already telling me na uuwi ka na lang. I don’t know if saying I pretended ikaw ang kasama ko the entire time will help, pero I knew na I did something wrong. And I got so scared, Will. I was so scared na I was turning into someone you’re going to regret.”
A moment of silence passed. “‘Di mo naman pala sinadya, Kel.”
“Pero you can still be mad if may ginawa akong ayaw mo. I thought you’d be mad. A part of me wanted you to be mad.”
“‘Di naman talaga ako nagalit. Nasaktan lang.”
“And you never told me. I’d been meaning to apologize to you the whole week pero ayaw mong makipagkita.”
“Natakot lang rin siguro.” Willow let out a bitter chuckle. “Natatakot na lang lagi. Natakot akong sabihin mong ayaw mo na. Na ‘di na ako ‘yung gusto mo. Kaya ayokong magalit, kasi alam kong ‘yung galit ko na dapat para sa iba, mapupunta pa rin sa sarili ko.”
Michel scoffed. “It’s so unfair na you hold yourself to such a high standard, tapos ‘di mo man lang ma-apply sa akin. Sometimes it feels like you’re just in a relationship with me because you have something to prove to yourself.”
“Hindi.” Willow tried to untangle himself from Michel’s grip but Michel only tightened his hold. “Hindi ‘yan totoo, Kel. Mahal na mahal kita—”
“I know.” He kissed the top of Willow’s head again. “I know, okay? Pero you see naman what I mean when I say we’re hurting each other, ‘di ba? Tapos we keep blaming ourselves. We keep things to ourselves as if di tayo mag-boyfriends.”
Willow’s frown deepened as he tried to stop his lips from wobbling.
“You have no idea how much pride I had to set aside just to admit na may mali ako,” Michel said with a chuckle and caressed Willow’s cheeks with his thumbs. “I hope makita mong may mali ako, Will.”
“Nakakainis, ‘no?”
“Ang what?”
“Ako? Ang dami kong pinagdaanan sa ex ko at nakita mo. Nakita niyong lahat paano ako nabasag at gaano ako naghirap para maibalik lang ang sarili ko sa dati. At lahat kayo naghirap din para sa’kin, Kel. Minsan, sa inyo pa ako umaasa para lang ‘di ako malipasan ng gutom. Kung hindi dahil kanila Sy at Kuya Han na pinipilit akong lumabas, ‘di siguro ako makakapag-aral nang maayos. Kaya’t tinatatagan ko sarili ko ngayon. Kung pwedeng ako lang magbuhat sa mga nararamdaman ko, gagawin ko. Ayokong mahirapan kang alagaan ako, Kel. Ayokong isipin mong kailangan pa akong alagaan. Kinakaya ko naman, ‘di ba? May pagbabago naman ako, ‘di ba?”
Michel rubbed Willow’s back. “Lovely, relax.”
“Kailangan kong marinig galing sa ‘yo na may pagbabago ako, Kel.”
“I still love you naman kahit wala.”
“So wala?”
“That’s not what I said.”
Willow pushed himself off of Michel to look him in the eyes. Neither of them had bothered with the lights, but Willow could still make out the curve of his boyfriend’s worried brows. He hated it and tried to smooth it away with his finger but Michel caught his hand and placed them to his lips, kissing his nails one by one.
“Does our relationship feel like your relationship with your ex?”
Willow shook his head. When Michel didn’t respond, he sighed. “Ibang-iba ka sa ex ko, pero nahihirapan akong baguhin kung sino man ako sa isang relasyon. Lalo na’t kung may problema.”
“So you tell me. Kung may problema, or if you feel weird or bad or hurt, you tell me. Then we’ll face it together. Boyfriend mo ako, Will. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“Ayokong mapagod ka sa’kin.”
“Bakit? Napagod ba sila Kuya Han sa ‘yo?”
“Hindi pero iba naman kasi ‘yan. Marami silang kaibigan ko. Ikaw, mag-isa kitang boyfriend.”
“Lovely, if I’m tired, eh ‘di, I’ll be tired. That just means I worked hard for something.”
“‘Di naman siguro ‘yan ganiyan, Kel,” Willow said but he breathed out a laugh anyway.
“Hindi ba?” Michel replied into Willow’s palm. He gave it one last kiss before cupping his boyfriend’s face. “Kung mapapagod tayo, then we’ll rest. We go to sleep and try again tomorrow. You want to naman, ‘di ba?”
Willow nodded. “Gustong gusto.”
“And if I’m the one who feels weird or bad or hurt, I can count on you to be there for me too, ‘di ba?”
“Opo.”
“And if none of those work… We ask for help from our friends?”
“Baka ‘yung tulong na ibibigay nila, ipapa-break nila tayo.”
“If sila Jun don’t think I’m good for you, then I trust their judgement.”
“Kel—!”
“Joke lang,” Michel said with a chuckle. “I’ll fight for us pa rin, of course, but I’m not above admitting I’m not perfect. I mean, I’m great, but you know—this is still a learning experience for the two of us. And I want to learn as much as I can. I want to know how I can love you best. I’d love it if you can do the same for me.”
Willow bowed his head as he slowly sunk back into Michel’s chest, hiding his face away into his neck. “Okay. Sige.”
“‘Okay’? We’ll tell them na?”
Willow nodded. Suddenly, he felt weightless as the fatigue caught up to him. He could feel his eyelids droop when Michel wrapped him again in an embrace. He should probably check his phone and make sure Chan hadn’t bombarded it with messages. Or make sure Simon hadn’t gotten back on a bus back to the city to make sure he was home. But he didn’t want to move, feeling so warm despite the cold tiled floors. “Ang dami nating kailangang gawin.”
“Where do you want to start?”