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We arrive at the motel. The air is full of awkward tension.
“Like I said it’s just the one room. And if you don’t want it I have a trucker on hold who does.”
“No, no, no, we’ll take it,” I hear myself say it but I’m not in my body. I’ve felt pretty mentally checked out since Conrad discovered Jere and I kissing against his car.
Conrad and I reach for the keys and our hands brush. My mind is flooded. I wonder what Jeremiah thinks. The three of us embark on the uncomfortable walk to our room. We enter in silence and all take note of the one bed in the room. After a pause I hear Conrad mentioning some logistics, snacks in the vending machine, sleeping arrangements. Jeremiah sinks into a chair, I sit on the bed and Conrad stands.
I feel a sudden urge to address the elephant in this grungy motel room.
“I think we should talk.” I spit it out with little confidence. I nervously look at them both.
Conrad looks exasperated. “What’s there to talk about, Belly? We broke up just a couple of months ago and I found you kissing my brother. Forgive me for not wanting to dissect this right now.”
I hazard a glance at Jeremiah who looks distant and says nothing.
“I never meant to hurt you Conrad. I tried to talk to you about this the other night at the house and you fell asleep. I’m completely confused and I don’t know what to do. You both mean so much to me, I don’t want to lose either of you and I’m sick of coming between you two.” I can tell he doesn’t want to, but his face softens a little bit. For as long as I can remember, Conrad has always tried to make things easier for me and take care of me. How do I reconcile that Conrad with the Conrad from the funeral? His words cut me in a way I couldn’t imagine. I knew it was a mistake starting something with you. How could he say something like that? Maybe I would have been better off with Jeremiah last summer. If nothing else, I know I feel something for him now. “I can’t deny I’ve been having these feelings for Jeremiah all week.”
Jeremiah’s beautiful blue eyes shine momentarily, but there’s still a sadness to him. When he finally speaks he says, “there will always be something between the two of you. Even now, I’d be an idiot to think I can get in the middle of this.”
I stumble over my words to try to reassure him. “Jere - no. Conrad made it clear things are over between us. That’s what he wants.”
“Is that true, Con?” Jeremiah probes and now we both face him.
Conrad is silent for a beat. He sighs. He comes to sit next to me on the bed. “I don’t think things will ever really be over for us on my end. This whole time we’ve been apart, you’re all I think about. I’m not sure I’ll ever really get you out of my system. But I know I want you to be happy, and Jeremiah can make you a lot happier than I can. I’m not myself right now. I’ve already fucked things up. I keep doing the wrong thing when it comes to you. I’ll let you choose Jeremiah and get out of the way.”
We all drink in his words. I hear myself say the most audacious thought out loud. “Maybe I don’t have to choose.”
The air is heavy with confusion. I’m not sure even I understand what I said.
“Huh?” “What does that mean?” “Are you saying…?”
I’m not sure who said what. My own mind is spinning. I try to explain, “I feel things so deeply for both of you. I have love for you both. I want the three of us to be on good terms. Is it so wrong to think maybe we could find some way through this… the three of us?”
I could not predict who would speak first. I briefly consider that maybe they’ll both laugh at me and drop me off at the nearest hospital for a psych eval.
Time moves slowly. I’m really not sure how long we sit like this, the three of us pondering the words in our own minds. Jeremiah stuns me by speaking first, “I think I could come around to the idea.”
Conrad’s mouth hangs open. I’m not entirely sure what my own expression reads. I think if I’d been drinking something I may have spit it out.
Jeremiah continues, “well, I don’t think I’ll ever truly have Belly all to myself. I think a piece of her will always feel something for you Con. Maybe this is the way I can have the most of her.”
“Won’t you be jealous?” Conrad almost hisses.
“Of course,” Jeremiah says earnestly, “but maybe I always will be. What the two of you have… it’s a force field. I can’t complete with that.”
It’s torture waiting for Conrad to speak. What do I even want him to say? That he can’t stand the thought of me with Jeremiah at all and he has to have me for himself? That we’re infinite! It’s always been us. It’s the Belly and Conrad show and this is our love story? But if that’s the case, why do I feel this draw to Jeremiah? His sunny demeanor and the way he makes me feel. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?
Conrad speaks slowly, “I don’t ever want to be without you Belly. I really don’t know what this would look like. It sounds incredibly messy. Maybe we’d all get hurt. I don’t want to share you. But if you’d be happy? Fuck, Belly. I think I’d try anything for you.” His green eyes are soft and genuine. He gives me a small smile.
I feel the strongest desire to touch them both. I turn to hug Conrad and motion for Jeremiah to join me. He embraces me from behind and I feel so content completely sandwiched between them.
Conrad, ever practical, is the first to ask for the awkward details. “So… what exactly does this mean? Are we talking about sharing you, like on a schedule? Or… being together at the same time?” I notice he doesn’t meet my eyes but he doesn’t let me go either.
“What are you guys… comfortable with?” I ask, still completely cradled by them both and enjoying every minute of it. I allow myself to relax a little and nuzzle in.
No one speaks. Jeremiah tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and turns my face towards him. He kisses my lips. “I just want you, Bells.” Conrad watches, unsure, but puts a hand in my hair as well. My mind recalls other times he’s done so, like that night in the car after the bonfire. That feels like a century ago. Conrad begins to slowly kiss the side of my face and runs his hand up the length of my thigh.
I feel dizzy and like I might black out. Is this a dream? Both Fisher brothers kissing and touching me? Without any punches being thrown?
I allow myself to really enjoy this. The touching, the kissing, the affection we all share. I feel their own excitement pushed against me and it takes my breath away. All for me I can’t help but think. Conrad is a bit more comfortable taking things to the next level. Jeremiah and I have not been together like this yet. Conrad unzips my jean shorts and slides a hand over my panties. “So warm, so wet already. Who are you wet for, Belly?” Conrad asks breathlessly.
“Both of you,” I say, “I want you both so badly.”
Conrad slips a finger inside of me and groans, “you don’t know how I missed this. Dreamed about it.”
“Did you think about me while you touched yourself, Conrad?” I can’t believe I spoke the words. Where did I get this confidence? These two have me drunk with ecstasy.
“Of course I did, Isabel. Every night,” Conrad groans while his fingers move inside of me.
“What about you, Jere?” I ask, “do you think about me?”
He’s running his hands over my breasts under my bra, “of course, Bells. I always think about you when I’m touching myself.”
“What do you picture?” I ask, absolutely burning with the combination of their touch.
“I picture myself inside of you. I picture that time we kissed in the pool, but that I fucked you against the side instead.” Waves of pleasure reach me. Conrad tenses for a brief moment. He pulls my shorts off in a not so gentle way.
“I’m ready for that now, Jere. I know you and I haven’t been together yet,” I say encouragingly.
Jeremiah’s face falls immediately, “so are you saying you guys have had sex already?”
I can’t imagine why he is surprised by this. Conrad and I were together for quite a few months, and given everything happening right now I don’t see what’s so shocking about it.
Conrad looks a bit too eager to answer, “of course we did.”
I reach for Jere to offer comfort, “if you’re uncomfortable with this and any of it’s too much we can stop,” I glance at Conrad, “that goes for you too. We all have to communicate super honestly. I know we’ve never been good at that. I guess we never really got to finish working out the details before we dove into this.”
Jeremiah seems to relax a bit, “I don’t know why I’m surprised either. I guess I’m just feeling some of the hurt from last Summer. I really want to be with you Bells. Even if this is kind of a weird first time for us.”
Conrad makes a very half hearted offer to leave the room. Something tells me he wouldn’t.
I climb on top of Jeremiah and his eyes widen with excitement. He lifts my shirt over my head. I suddenly feel a bit shy and I look around. I’m used to looking for Conrad, for his help, for his approval. His presence alone usually puts me at ease. Conrad stands in front of me, “would it be okay if…?” His voice trails off and it takes me a bit to understand what he means. I nod, yes. I’m finally feeling the reality of this arrangement. I look down at Jeremiah who looks charming as ever with an encouraging smile. “You’re doing great. We can stop at any time, Bells. Only what you’re comfortable with.” He rubs his thumb against my clitoris and dips his fingers inside of me. “You’re so wet for us.” Us. There’s an us. That’s an overwhelming thought. I smile and lower myself down on to his length. I gasp. I allow myself to enjoy being filled. Conrad patiently waits for me to take him in my mouth. I’ve never experienced anything like this and feel overwhelmed with the sensation.
Conrad puts a gentle hand in my hair and moans. “Belly, you’re so good for me. I need you so bad.” Jeremiah puts a hand on my back while he moves. His other hand finds a breast to play with. The sounds he makes are intoxicating. I suddenly wonder who will come first. I move my hips and find myself taking Conrad in that rhythm.
“You’re so fucking hot, Bells. I had to have you,” Jeremiah says breathlessly. I swear Conrad’s thrusts miss a beat momentarily.
“Come for us, Belly. You’re doing so good, honey. Taking us so well,” Conrad encourages. I’ve always loved when he talks, especially like this.
It seems to really do something to me, I feel myself tighten around Jeremiah and let go completely. “I’m going to…” Jeremiah rasps. I almost completely forget about Conrad, until I feel the hot warmth in my mouth. I force myself to swallow. I feel after shocks and find myself shaking, still atop Jeremiah. I lay down next to him and he embraces me. Conrad brings a wet towel over and gently cleans me up before laying on my other side. I let out the happiest sigh. Can this really be happening? Did I fall asleep on the drive over here? I break the silence, “is this a dream?” They both chuckle, Jeremiah kisses my hand. “You’re my dream,” he says cheesily. Conrad is quiet but he doesn’t seem upset. His fingers absentmindedly draw circles on me.
“It’s okay,” Jeremiah says.
“What…?” I genuinely have no clue what he means.
“I know in the end it’s you two.”
Conrad and I both seem surprised. “What-“ I start to say.
“It’s alright, Belly. I love you. And I’m content.”
“I just don’t want to end up on a TLC show,” Conrad jokes.
“The secret lives of brotherfuckers?” I scoff.
The three of us continue to lay there, unbothered.