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It had him feeling delirious, this feeling of skin pressed on skin. The room they shared was dark, lit only by the night lamp on their bedside table.
Half obscured by his red hair, Riddle’s face was flushed. How adorable, Azul thought, as Riddle hovered over him and pressed a kiss to his shoulder blade. Then to his cheek. Then, to his lip.
He opened his mouth, trying to get more taste of him. So soft, so sweet. His heart fluttered at every touch of Riddle’s fingers, arms locked over his neck and pulling him closer. Who else would ever get to see this entranced expression on Riddle’s face? Yes, it was exactly as he liked, eyes half-lidded, focused on him and no one else.
Azul tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. Riddle took his hand gently, and nuzzled his face against it.
“Should I start?” he asked.
“Please, proceed as you wish.”
Azul smirked. He half-expected Riddle to take out a manual of sorts, leave it wide open on Azul’s stomach, and begin following through the guide step by step. Instead, he smoothly got to work, with a deftness to his hands that he couldn’t have possibly have imagined from an inexperienced person.
He was looking focused, his brows furrowed. Azul chuckled to himself, imagining that Riddle must be reciting the procedures in his head.
“What are you laughing at?” Riddle asked. His fingers suddenly pressed up against a spot inside Azul that had a groan escaping from his throat, smothering the idle musings in his mind.
“Mm, n-nothing,” he replied, trying to hold back the noise. “You seem… practiced, for someone who had never done this before.”
Judging by the grin on Riddle’s face, he did not make the move by accident.
“Well, I am quite good at practical applications of knowledge,” his fingers made another slow drag over his sensitive spot. “Wouldn’t you agree?”
Riddle had a smug expression on his face, as if daring Azul to disagree with him. He was in a disadvantageous position, legs hooked over Riddle’s back, his body entirely exposed to him. It was obvious that any argument would be unfairly skewed towards the former.
Riddle wasn’t going to accept anything other than a “yes” for answer, and if Azul responded with anything else, he would probably remove himself from the bed to grab… whichever manual he needed. Then he would pour over the pages and make sure he was doing everything right. Azul didn’t have his tentacles to tackle him down if he tries to leave.
It was a predicament indeed - his pleasure, or his dignity. But he refused to forego neither, and opted for an ambiguous ‘hm.’
In truth, words were escaping him. The pleasant feeling spreading through his body muddled his mind, and lost somewhere in that mess were the barbed replies he normally kept in store. It felt as if all of his intellect had been stripped bare, leaving him with nothing but his desires.
Bare hand grasping at the bedsheet, joined by another, fingers entwined.
He gasped for air.
Sweat dripping down hair red as roses. Focused gray eyes, and the slightest of smiles on his lips, pleased with the work he’s done.
Azul nibbled at his shoulder in retaliation.
He was light-headed from how good he was feeling, tears welling in his eyes as he tried to steady his breathing. More, he wanted more. He wanted to have the entirety of Riddle, to fill him where it aches. He’d relinquish his thoughts if he could. Anything to be closer.
A hand traced up his neck, brushing against his jawline.
And suddenly, he became all too aware of the choked-up feeling in his throat. His heartbeat, racing faster and faster, spurring out of his control. The tears in his eyes, the position he was in…
He wanted to hide. Somewhere small and dark, where no one could see him.
He had none of his usual armours with him. Not his suit, nor plans to defend himself with. Not even glasses, to shield his tears from being seen. No charisma to fool the world. Stripped entirely bare of the parts of himself he had built up over the years, that he was proud of.
He thought he’d long grown used to having human legs by now, but something felt extremely unnatural with the way they were bent in the air, dangling like they were some kind of corals. He didn’t remember being unclothed on land with the presence of anyone else before. A nauseous feeling welled up inside him.
Leave me alone.
Don’t look at me!
Give me back everything.
I need to cover it all back up.
I need to…
“Azul!”
Riddle stared down at him in alarm. He had stopped completely, his hand caressing his cheeks lightly. He brushed away the tears at his eyes.
“Did it hurt so much?” he asked, worry filling every part of his words. “Or perhaps, you are feeling unwell?”
The mockery he had expected did not come.
Azul pushed himself up, his head spinning as if he were airsick. He had been feeling perfectly fine moments ago, which was why he brought up the idea of doing this in the first place. It was his idea, and yet…
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Riddle-san. Just give me a moment.”
Azul pressed a hand to his head and closed his eyes, tucking his legs closer to his body.
It felt utterly repulsive, like he was beached and couldn’t breathe. For a second, he had imagined himself with his tentacles in the air, bound to a shipwreck and bent in weird directions. He wanted to pry at his legs and bring them back to the form they were supposed to have. The eyes were everywhere, staring down at him, whispering about the little octotwerp they had known back in primary school.
He had left all his troubles under the sea, he reminded himself. He’d long since triumphed over his bullies, and started his life anew on land, with his image untarnished by his past. He had nothing to be afraid of anymore, and it made no sense that such an irrational feeling could still dominate him after all these years. And of all people, to happen when he was with the person he trusted the most in this world.
Something soft was draped over his shoulders. Azul looked up, and found Riddle wrapping his robe around him like a blanket.
“Is it alright if I hug you right now?” he asked.
He seemed uncertain, and Azul wondered if he had ruined things for the both of them. To be so sensitive so as to let the past bother him this much…
“You don’t have to ask me that,” he said, crossing his arms. He wasn’t so fragile that even a hug would throw him into disarray.
Riddle leaned over him and held him in his arms, burying Azul’s face in his chest. He was built more sturdy than he looked, muscles hard beneath his slender figure, but comforting to hug all the same. The smell from his rose-scented shampoo had become soothing to him, after all the time they had spent together.
“I knew I should have brought the book here with me,” Riddle murmured, twirling his fingers in the curls of his hair. “I must not have read the guide thoroughly enough.”
His remark got a laugh out of Azul. So there really was a book. “Please don’t. That would have ruined the mood even more.”
He sighed in relief at how safe he felt in Riddle’s embrace. He was afraid for a moment that he was going to feel uncomfortable now, because Riddle had seen too much of him. It’s good that wasn’t the case. He wouldn’t have known what to do if it were.
“You were extremely good, Riddle-san,” he whispered. “I lost myself a little too much there, so I panicked.”
Riddle nodded. “I’ve read that some transformed mermen experience disorientation during sexual activities. We should probably take it slower next time.”
Riddle’s touches on his back were gentle. Azul wondered if he knew he was leaving many things unsaid. He’d left out some details about his past that he thought he would tell Riddle one day. Alas, today was certainly not the right one. He’d rather not spiral out of control again.
After cleaning up and putting their sleeprobes back on, the two of them sat in bed and picked up on some reading, since it was still somewhat early to sleep. Riddle had a thick textbook open on his lap, while Azul picked up the economics magazine he had bought earlier that day.
Azul was still feeling somewhat displeased. He had been looking forward to this night, and it just had to be cut short by his own circumstances.
He flipped a page.
It was quiet in their room, and the article alone wasn’t enough to keep his mind from wandering to other things. The thought of being unclothed again was frightening. He pondered about ways to circumvent that vulnerable feeling.
No, proceeding with them both in merform wouldn’t be any better, although admittedly he was very curious as to how Riddle would look as a merman.
If he were to top instead he’d… still be bare. It doesn’t change a thing.
He was so deep in thought, that he didn’t realize Riddle had been observing him. He felt a hand brush against his.
“I will always be here to listen, if you have anything you want to tell me,” he said as he turned another page in his textbook.
“Were you disappointed?”
Riddle laughed.
“Me? Hardly. Seeing your expression alone was plenty gratifying.”
His flabbergasted expression propted Riddle to continue after a snicker.
“According to the book I read, sexual activities should never be initiated when any party is feeling uncomfortable, and if distress ever happens in the duration, then all activities should be immediately ceased. So I’m not going to attempt this again until we’re both certain that we’re prepared for this.”
“Dear me, did you truly read a manual and remember every word of it…”
“I contemplated having you read it, too. But I considered that you must have gotten some form of human sexual education during land boot camp, so you may have already acquired the knowledge.”
He pouted. “At least, that’s the reason I convinced myself with. The truth was, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you to read the book.”
“I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have minded half as much as you did.”
“I was reading it for the sake of both of us! This is not a competition, Azul. If you think it is, I will be assigning that as a reading for you!”
So he wasn’t the only one fretting, it turned out.
It may be difficult, but Azul was sure he’d get there one day.