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Loop #98, 24th of December.
Knight Of Despair awaits her tutor, a hand propped up on her desk, her head leaning onto it.
Der Freischütz walks in, like usual. A cold face, a noticing glance, and yet no words are said.
She barely remembers what he says, really. It’s been far too many loops for her to genuinely care for what she’s learning about anyway. All she does is glance at Der Frei, daydreaming about those eyes, daydreaming about another loop.
Loop by loop, she always fumbles her cards.
Loop by loop, nothing changes.
A session goes by faster than what she expected. It reminds her of that one study that tells her if she spends enough time doing a repeated action, her brain eventually tunes it out. She remembers she learnt it with Red. Another time, where her actions had meaning and her thoughts weren’t just thinking whether this loop would be different or not.
Of course it wouldn’t, it’s called a loop for a reason. There is no possible way sitting here would do anything more.
And yet, she can’t help but hope.
All that despair and yet she still holds on to hope, doesn’t she?
——-
Christmas Night.
Knight’s parents wouldn’t care in the slightest if she went out before a hurricane. Not like they could, anyway. Who would care for a failure like her when there was their golden child, Queen? She didn’t hate her sister, not by a long shot, but it would be a lie to say she didn’t wish she got at least a little talent from the girl.
She wanted to stay in, but found herself putting on a coat and smoothing out its folds, her aged yet still good beige coat, one that she’d always wear on the loops she found herself wanting to search for another chance to redeem herself within this simulation. A familiar warmth embraces her. Not like it’ll matter in the slightest.
She brought an umbrella with her. She has many, but this time she decided to bring the one she’d never bring to this, her dark blue one. Maybe that’ll change something, maybe it won’t. She should stop expecting anything by now.
The hurricane struck land with strong gusts of wind and a trail of death behind it, rain pouring down. An echo of strength, compared to what was forecasted, but still strength nonetheless. She remembered every word of the weather forecast, turning it on in some loops for some kind of entertainment. A cruel kind.
And yet it couldn’t wash away the tempest in her soul, unchanged even through every loop.
Her fingers tightened around her umbrella, knuckles whitening.
He was with someone else. She couldn’t tell who, even after all this time. It didn’t matter now. It will never matter.
Oh how she misses the time before she started the simulation, where she would dream of a day where they’d walk under the same umbrella. She dreamed through periods of warm sun, and her hope was extinguished under the strongest rain of the season, like a blatant mocking laugh to her hopeless romance.
Now she’s just a lost umbrella.
And yet she’ll still continue the loop.
Through cloudy days, sunny skies, great typhoons…
Through rain and shine, she would always be by his side.
Even if it had been too long.
Even if the last bead of hope inside of her had been crushed beneath her own feet, beneath the rain, beneath the crowd of people together on Christmas Night.
Even if he’ll never look her way.
Foolish of her, truly.
The simulation resets with a “beep”.
————
Loop #99, a day before Christmas.
She awaits him once again.
It doesn’t hurt anymore when he looks away from her pained eyes. Not as badly. She remembers everything, unlike Queenie or Red, always saying the same words. She’s given up all hope, she tells herself.
So then, why is she still here, continuing this stupid chain of events that will surely never change?
She doesn’t know anymore.
It seems like it’s the only thing she can do, so desperately wanting for something to change and yet never making her move. Always wanting to end it all and yet never strong enough to press the button.
Once again, she doesn’t find the courage to tell him.
Once again, she ends up alone by Christmas Night.
Once again, she sees him, with someone else, by the corner of her eye.
Once again, the rain pours down on her already weathered soul.
Once again, the reset button is pressed.
———-
Loop #100.
She awaits him once again, her fingers curled around her phone, awaiting something, anything.
Maybe if this time she spoke, she took the step that she convinced herself would never work, something would happen. Something that might make her consider ending this stupid simulation.
Der Freischutz walks in, as indifferent as ever, like in every other loop, before noticing the slight sorrow, the slight acceptance in her eyes, like every time. The noticing glance she’d reset every loop for.
“Is something wrong, perhaps?”
He notices her, and he cares, like always. She wonders if it is nothing but a shallow interest. She’s memorized most of his words by now, like a script, the work of her past loops even attempting to study better, maybe to catch his attention through being a good student. And she takes this chance, she finally does, the chance she wasn’t willing to make in the other loops.
“I like you.”
He seems taken aback, in a moment. Eyes widening, looking at her, before tilting his head. A curious expression, one she predicted that he would do.
“…I see.” He replied, quieter than normal. But, to be fair, that could mean anything at that point. Maybe he already accepted that girl’s confession. Maybe he was shocked from her newly found confidence. Or, maybe, just maybe, he was convinced.
No matter what, she already bit the bullet, so might as well chew it like the hard candy it is.
“Would you…” she tried to open up,
“Yes.”
She looks up, and this time she is shocked.
He always did care.
She never noticed, she was too jaded and apathetic to.
Her hand reached for her phone, but not to reset this loop.
The simulation finally breaks, after 100 loops that felt like eternity.