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Jay has just settled comfortably in his bed when a gentle knock pulls him from his thoughts. He already knows it’s Jungwon even before the door opens and a blonde head peeks into the room.
Jay expected him. Not because they’d agreed to meet up, but because he knows Jungwon like the back of his hand. Knows what he needs and when he needs it better than he knows himself.
“Jay-hyung.”
His voice is sweet like honey. He doesn’t even wait for a reply, just slips inside quietly and closes the door again with a soft click.
“Jungwon-ie,” Jay smiles, because he can’t not smile when Jungwon is in front of him. (It’s a curse. It makes him so obvious.) Jungwon smiles back at him sheepishly.
“Jay-hyung, what are you doing?”
Jay shrugs, locking his phone that he’d been scrolling F1 twitter on and stretches his legs out.
Waiting for you.
“Oh, nothing.”
Jungwon bites his lip. He looks ridiculously attractive in a black pair of sweatpants and one of Jay’s shirts that Jay doesn’t remember him stealing. His long hair is still a little wet and messy, and his skin is flushed, from the hot shower or a post-work-out glow or both.
“Ah, I see. Then, do you mind if I join you doing... nothing?”
Jay chuckles. He immediately scoots closer to the window side of the bed, leaving enough space for Jungwon’s lithe body to fit himself beside him. “No, I don’t mind.”
Jungwon smiles again and shuffles across Jay’s room to slip in beside him. He takes his phone out of his pocket and puts it on the nightstand, too. Right next to Jay’s, so they touch. They got matching phone cases recently and when Jay glances over, a black and orange cat are touching paws and looking a little too much like they’re in love, so he looks away again quickly. Jungwon’s thigh brushes his and Jay is holding his breath until Jungwon asks,
“Jay-hyung, do you like me?”
It always starts like that.
Jay exhales, achingly slow. Every time Jungwon asks him, Jay has to hold himself back. Yes, he wants to scream at him, so much you have no idea what you’re doing to me every single day. So much it makes me want to run a hundred laps and scream it from the rooftops and burn the whole entire world.
“Of course,” he says instead, turning his body towards Jungwon, unclasping his arms to stretch one out over his pillow so Jungwon can fit himself into the crook of his neck if he wants to. He thinks about all the times he’s been so painfully obvious when he’d showed his soft spot for Jungwon, the times he’d caught himself smiling stupidly at him across the heads of all the other members, the times he’d indulged Jungwon’s silly antics and cat-like moods and the many times he’d played guitar while Jungwon listened and Jay had forgotten that anyone else was there as long as Jungwon looked at him with so much awe and emotion in his eyes. “But you already know that.”
Jungwon is still sitting up, his legs folded underneath him, and he’s started fiddling with the ridiculously long strings of Jay’s grey sweatpants. Though he’s avoiding his gaze, Jay knows he’s carefully taking in every one of Jay’s reactions. The slight tremble in his voice, the quickening rise and fall of his chest and hitch of his breath when Jungwon’s fingers graze the inside of his thigh. He feels watched, seen, and he wonders how Jungwon can still ask him a question like this when Jay feels drowned by his own feelings seeping out of every fibre of his body.
“But you like the others, too, right?” Jungwon asks with a quiet voice.
“Of course.” The words must sting, because Jungwon flinches like Jay grabbed a knife and struck him right in his heart. “But not like you. You’re different. You know that, too, right?”
Jungwon mhhhs. He drops the strings of Jay’s pants and runs a hand through his hair, tucking a stubborn strand behind his ear.
He’s so pretty. The prettiest boy Jay has ever seen. He wishes he knew what they were, so his aching heart could catch a fucking break.
Then, suddenly, Jungwon climbs into his lap, folding his body into Jay’s like a cat. He’s sitting down for real, his whole body weight pressing Jay into the soft mattress so he feels trapped underneath him with Jungwon’s knees bracketing his waist and their chests touching and their faces so close together that the longer strands of Jungwon’s pretty blonde hair tickle him as they brush over Jay’s cheeks.
“Do you mean it?” Jungwon asks.
Jay would be frightened by the way the shy softness of Jungwon’s demeanour suddenly turns into something dark and dangerous, his cat-like eyes narrowing and gleaming at him like Jay is his prey and Jungwon likes to play with his food. But he knows Jungwon and he’s not scared and still wants him so bad it hurts, so he just nods.
“Jay-hyung...” Jungwon purrs against the sharp edge of his jaw, scraping his teeth down the line of his jawbone until he tucks his head under Jay’s chin to mouth at his warm skin there. “...then show me.”
Jay is right there instantly, wrapping one arm around Jungwon’s waist and the other around the small of his back to pull him up into a messy kiss. Jay sighs against his lips, having only waited for Jungwon to say the word. He feels pride well up in his chest, threatening to burst out of his ribcage at Jungwon having gotten less reluctant at asking for what he wants. The press of Jungwon’s mouth against his is insistent, and he laps at Jungwon’s bottom lip before he tilts his head so his nose brushes against Jungwon’s high cheekbones. Eagerly he lets Jungwon slip his warm, wet tongue inside his mouth.
Soon Jungwon’s hands slip underneath his white shirt, all ten fingers splayed out over his chest, grabbing at him, kneading like a kitten, nails digging into his flesh like claws. The contrast of Jungwon’s being soft and sharp at once always gives Jay whiplash, the way Jungwon will bite his lip then kitten-lick over the abused spot, leave red streaks all over Jay’s back and chest that he soothingly traces with his honey-sweet lips afterwards. He matches Jay’s pace, then makes his own, lets Jay touch him all over before pressing him down into the mattress and making sure he stays there just like how he wants. Like Jungwon is a god and Jay is a mere mortal caught up in the eternal glow of his ethereal being.
Jay licks into his mouth and Jungwon moans, feels Jungwon’s hips twitch and his thumb dig into the hollow between his collar bones so hard Jay almost chokes. He rakes his nails down Jungwon’s back over his shirt, just to drag them back up with the same urgency and take Jungwon’s shirt up with him. When they pull away so Jay can take it off him, a thin sheen of sweat glistens on Jungwon’s skin, his lips and cheeks and chest flushed from little more than some heavy kissing. He blinks down at Jay as he throws the shirt somewhere, hands immediately coming back down to dig into Jay’s waist, and the growing tent in Jungwon’s sweatpants is already unmistakable.
“Jungwon-ie,” Jay rasps, feeling Jungwon’s hands run up the side of his chest and drag his shirt up in the process.
“You’re so hot, Jay-ah,” Jungwon says as he reveals more and more of Jay’s smooth, honey-skinned chest, and Jay feels his cock twitch at the compliment and the easy, nonchalant way Jungwon drops the honorifics. If this was any other member, he would have called them out for it. But not Jungwon, never Jungwon. He could call him anything and Jay wouldn’t care as long as he got to call Jungwon his in return.
Jungwon drags his shirt up until it gets stuck under his armpits, so Jay briefly sits up to let Jungwon pull it over his head before he’s back on top of him, pushing him down and pressing their chests together so hard it knocks the breath out of Jay’s lungs. Jungwon licks and sucks at his chest and neck, not enough to leave marks but enough for Jay to bare his neck and mumble, “More, please, Jungwon-ie. Tell me what you want and I’ll give you everything.”
Jungwon bites him hard then, licking over the abused spot on his chest before he makes a soft sound in the back of his throat and lazily drags his hips up and against Jay’s groin, eliciting a breathy sigh from both of them. “Jay-hyung... want you. Want your cock. Need it.” Jay moans at the crude words leaving Jungwon’s mouth. His left hand slips down to pull him closer by the small of his back, while the other one shamelessly gropes Jungwon’s perky ass through his pants. “You. Need you. Hyung. Please.”
Jay is already hard. Has been since Jungwon climbed into his lap and Jay felt the scorching heat of Jungwon’s body burn through the thin layer of clothes still separating them. These days Jay feels like he’s always hard around Jungwon, every touch of Jungwon’s hand on his knee and every brush of their shoulders as they squeeze through crowds sending electric shocks down his spine, dragging him into a maelstrom that’s pulling him closer and closer to the depths of utter mental and physical despair.
It’s pathetic how easy he is for Jungwon, really. He would give him the world and all the moons and the stars in the universe at a single bat of Jungwon’s pretty eye. Of course he will give him his cock, too.
“Yeah, yeah,” Jay murmurs against Jungwon’s lips after pulling him back up to let Jungwon swallow his embarrassing moans as he dryhumps him, helping Jungwon keep a steady pace with his hands on his body and his legs angled up so he won’t slip down too far. It’s good and Jay lets it happen for a while, but it’s not what Jungwon wanted; it’s not his cock in Jungwon’s hole. So when he feels the tremble of Jungwon’s body getting close, he gently pries the boy’s hands off his shoulders and turns his head so Jungwon’s relentless, hot-mouthed kisses can only get the side of his face wet.
“Jay-hyung...” he whines.
“I know, baby. Sit up.”
Jay fishes through his bedside table drawer to find the lube while Jungwon scrambles to get his pants and underwear off. The front of his white briefs is damp and shiny where his cock stretches the fabric obscenely and precome has seeped through, and Jay’s mouth waters at the sight. He wants to press his face there and lick and suck at him until he’s soaked, until Jay can’t feel his tongue and Jungwon’s burying his hands into Jay’s hair and moaning so loud the whole dorm can hear Jay’s name leave Jungwon’s mouth in the filthiest way.
But before he can even try, Jungwon is ripping off Jay’s pants too, exposing his hard cock to the cold air with an obscene smack against his abs. He’s on it in an instant, leaning down and taking him into his mouth fast and deep like he’s been starving for it, leaving Jay cursing and digging his nails into his palms to distract himself from the feeling of too-much-too-quick and oh my God, his mouth feels like Heaven.
Jungwon hums around his cock, using his slick tongue to dig into Jay’s slit and his left hand to jerk the part he doesn’t dare to fit into his mouth, lest he wants to explain to their staff tomorrow why his voice sounds completely wrecked. It’s good nonetheless, Jungwon’s head bobbing up and down, the vibrations he sends through him, the visible smirk tugging at the corner of his stretched lips when he does dare to deepthroat Jay just once and Jay has to actively bite his knuckle so he won’t moan too loudly. Jungwon is a natural at this like he is at everything, like he doesn’t even need to try to figure out how to make Jay feel good because he does just by being himself.
Jungwon lets Jay’s cock slip out of his mouth then, kitten-licking the tip before dragging his tongue all the way up the thick vein at the bottom, the steady jerk of his hand aided by the spit dribbling out the corners of his perfect mouth. He keeps Jay’s eye contact, his cat-like eyes boring right into Jay’s torn-open soul, and Jay feels himself smear precome all over Jungwon’s pretty lips and hand as he digs his thumb into the hollow beneath Jungwon’s cheekbones.
“Fuck, ‘wonie. Can’t fuck you like this. Gonna make me come before I can.”
Jungwon’s brows furrow and he pouts, voice raspy and dark as he mouths at Jay’s cock. “You promised, hyung. Everything, you said.”
Jay groans. “Let me open you up then. Come on. Come here. Let me make you feel good, too.”
Jungwon gives the tip of his cock one last stupidly adorable kiss before scooting up Jay’s body, hissing as his cock brushes against Jay’s. He slips his tongue back into Jay’s mouth to let him have a small taste of himself, and though Jay never really liked that, Jungwon still makes him swallow himself down every time. In the end, he never fights it.
“Baby, turn around.”
Reluctantly, Jungwon lets Jay help him turn around and lean forward, baring his ass so Jay has access to his hole. Jay spreads his ass cheeks, watching the way Jungwon’s pink hole twitches around nothing, inviting him in, begging Jay to fill him up with his tongue, his fingers, his cock, anything. He drags a dry finger down the cleft of his ass, pushing against where he can’t wait to open Jungwon up, and Jungwon mewls, impatiently pushing his ass back against the single digit. Jay smoothes a hand down his left butt cheek before giving him a playfully light hit.
“Patience.”
“No,” Jungwon spits, and then his cock is back in Jungwon’s mouth and Jay curses.
With his cock in his mouth he fingers Jungwon open carefully, using so much lube it runs down Jungwon’s milky thighs and drips onto Jay’s flushed chest. He doesn’t want to hurt him, so he tries his best with Jungwon whimpering impatiently around his cock, wriggling his butt to speed up the process when Jay pushes back in with two fingers. Jungwon is cute like this: desperate, impatient, no longer trying to hide how shaky his body gets under Jay’s touch, how much every press of Jay’s finger against his walls makes him lose all composure.
Jay uses his mouth on him too, ignoring the slick taste of the lube and pulling Jungwon back against his face so hard he fears he might suffocate. If he dies between Jungwon’s ass cheeks, he’ll die a happy man. He opens him up on his tongue, pushing his finger in alongside his tongue and soaking up every little sound Jungwon makes, every sigh and whimper as Jay sucks on his rim and licks him open. Jungwon has long given up sucking Jay’s cock properly, simply letting it drag across cheeks and chin lazily so that by the time he scrambles to turn back around, his face is all red and sticky with Jay’s precome. Jay almost loses his mind at the sight, and every effort to convince Jungwon to let him give him a third finger just to make sure it won’t hurt dies in his throat.
“Condom?” Jungwon asks, but he’s not looking around to find one, and neither is Jay, because they both know the answer to that question already. Jungwon was his first time, not too long ago, and Jay was his, and there was never any need for a condom, yet he still asks every time like it’s their first time, again and again and again.
Jay shakes his head no and then Jungwon positions himself above his cock. Jay can only watch with his slick lips parted as he grabs his cock and presses the head against his dripping wet hole, taking a comically deep breath before sinking down on him achingly slow. Inch by maddening inch Jay feels himself fill Jungwon up, feels his slick, hot walls envelop him and grip him so tight he’s sure it must still hurt for Jungwon.
Jungwon’s eyes are closed, his brows furrowed in full concentration until his ass meets Jay’s hips and he’s finally got him all inside him. Only then he lets out the breath he’s been holding, tilting his head down to gauge the reaction on Jay’s face, who brings a hand up to brush a strand of hair behind Jungwon’s ear. Jungwon grabs his arm as he does, keeping his palm pressed against his cheek and turning his head to pepper little kisses all over his wrist. Jay melts at the sight and the soft touch of his lips.
“Okay?” he asks, and Jungwon only mhhhs, keeping steady eye-contact as he drops Jay’s hand so he can lean back and steady himself on Jay’s knees. Then, he pushes his hips up and sinks back down slowly.
Jay gasps at the initial drags of Jungwon’s hole around his cock. It’s earthshattering, the feeling and knowledge of being so deep inside Jungwon where nobody but him has been before. He holds onto Jungwon’s broad shoulders, not pushing or pulling but just letting himself feel the steady up and down of Jungwon’s body on top of his, scorchingly hot and impossibly tight.
He feels useless lying there, letting Jungwon do all the work, but every time he asks to change position Jungwon just shakes his head and starts riding him harder. He lets Jay make him feel good, but only ever as much as he allows himself. Jungwon’s like a king perched on his throne, powerful, raptured, his blonde, mussed-up hair like a halo framing his angelic features. The divine right of kings, and who is Jay to disobey his God? He can only steady his feet and push his hips up when Jungwon starts to ride him in earnest, little ah ah ahs leaving his mouth with every slam back down, presumably nailing his prostate given how his neglected cock is leaking all over Jay’s tummy.
“Jay-hyung, Jay-hyung,” Jungwon whines and Jay moans his name back, hands pushing down where he can see the faintest bulge of his cock pressing against Jungwon’s stomach from the inside. “Hurts. Good but hurts.”
Jay moans, trying to soothe Jungwon’s pain by rubbing his hands up and down his thighs. “I always tell you to not be so impatient and let me stretch you more.”
The glance Jungwon throws him then could kill a man. Jungwon clenches down on him purposefully and Jay throws his head back with a smirk, knowing full well Jungwon likes it like this, likes the pain and the soreness and the ghost of Jay’s cock inside him on the next day.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, fuck, poor baby, I’ll run you a bath later, come here.”
Jungwon leans down to kiss him then, and Jay uses the new angle to grab Jungwon’s ass and pull his cheeks apart, trace a thumb over where they’re connected so intimately. He feels Jungwon’s hole clench around him every time his cock disappears back inside him and Jay thinks he’s cursing in English, but it’s hard to tell around Jungwon’s tongue in his mouth, tracing the rows of his teeth and mapping out the shape of his mouth for the hundredth or maybe thousandth time.
Eventually, he can feel Jungwon’s thighs start to shake and his kisses getting lazy, turning into open-mouthed breaths against Jay’s lips, and Jungwon leans back up to start grinding on his cock instead of bouncing on it, little figure-eigths that have Jungwon’s hole push and pull deliciously on Jay’s swollen cock.
“Let me help, ‘wonie, baby, let me help–”
And then Jay is angling his legs up and keeping Jungwon steady as he starts thrusting up into him, using the recoil of the mattress to fuck up into Jungwon hard and fast, the obscene slap of skin against skin echoing so loud through the room Jay’s sure it must be audible in the hallway, too. Jungwon practically melts on top of him, letting Jay bounce him up and down, pinching Jay’s nipples when he starts hitting that spot inside him that makes Jungwon almost see stars.
“Good, hyung, feels so good, gonna make me come, please make me co– ah, Jay-ah.”
Jay doubles his efforts then, fingers digging into Jungwon’s ass so hard he’s sure he’s leaving bruises in the shape of his hands. Jungwon’s cock slaps against their chests with every bounce, red and angry and untouched, and Jungwon has never looked more beautiful than this: letting Jay take him, claim him, staring down at him with glazed-over eyes and a single tear running down his blushing cheek. Jungwon wipes it away with his own thumb before lowering his hand and slipping the digit right into Jay’s mouth, making him swallow.
Jay takes him in and moans and licks his salt-coated finger clean. He wishes he could take all of Jungwon’s pain like this, manifest it physically so he can swallow it all up again and carry it inside himself so Jungwon doesn’t have to. But he can’t, so instead he kisses his thumb and then takes his hand to intertwine their fingers, letting Jungwon control their pace again because he knows what Jungwon wants is to use Jay’s cock and make himself come on his own terms.
Jungwon squeezes his hand as he picks up the pace again, all that stamina from countless dance practices paying off as he gathers the strength left in his thighs to lift himself up all the way, until only Jay’s tip is still inside him, before sliding back down in a deliciously long drag. Jay can feel his cock twitch inside him, is getting close too but determined to make Jungwon come first. But when he grabs Jungwon’s cock to help him get there, his hand is forcefully smacked away and Jungwon lets out a deep groan as he fucks down on Jay’s cock with extra force.
“No. Just your cock. Wanna come untouched.”
Jay groans. Of course he does. Because Jungwon’s perfect like that and made for Jay in every way possible and Jay is so fucking in love it hurts.
Jungwon is pulling on his own hair as he rides Jay silly, like he doesn’t know how else to deal with how good he feels right now. His tongue is lolling out and he stares into nothingness, body taut and hot and spasming around Jay’s cock.
“Come inside me, hyung?”
It’s an order, not a question, despite his tone and despite the sweet way Jungwon is caressing Jay's cheek and threading his hand through his messy, dark hair.
“Yeah, yeah, fuck, gonna fill you up, baby, anything you want.”
And Jungwon smiles at that.
The way Jungwon’s ass is clenching rhythmically around him and the way he’s moaning and digging his hands into Jay’s thighs for leverage is all too much and not enough, and Jay’s orgasm hits him so hard and so sudden he thinks he might black out. Jungwon makes it good for him, tightening up around him and milking him dry for all he’s worth until Jay feels tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. The perfect vision of Jungwon throwing his head back and whimpering blurs before his eyes, and he almost misses the moment Jungwon’s body gets impossibly tight, strangling his still-pulsing dick as ropes of come start to shoot from Jungwon’s untouched cock, hitting Jay’s stomach, his chest, Jungwon’s chest, even the bedding.
Jungwon curses, which he rarely does, working himself through it so Jay has to bite his lip and dig his nails into his own skin to endure the pain of the overstimulation. He lets Jungwon ride out his high until he collapses on top of him, completely spent, smearing thick, sticky drops of come between their warm, exhausted bodies. Jay can feel his own come frothing around Jungwon’s hole stretched so wide around him, the force of his orgasm having pushed some of it out, a mix of come and lube running down Jay’s softening cock and balls and soaking into the sheets below.
They stay like this for a while, Jungwon letting himself be held and refusing to let Jay’s cock slip out of him simply by pinning him down with his full weight, leaving hot, lazy, open-mouthed kisses against Jay's sweat-damp neck.
It’s these moments when Jay wishes he had the courage to say something. Tell Jungwon that it’s okay, they will be okay, and they can face whatever this is head-on instead of having to snap the string that connects their hearts every morning just to retie it again every night when Jungwon comes to him like this. Jay knows it’s what Jungwon would need, but he knows that Jungwon won’t let himself have it.
Because he’s the leader, because this is the most he can allow himself to happen to still have plausible deniability if anyone ever comes up to him and asks “Hey, so, you and Jay, are you together?” Jay wants to think it’s because what they have is too precious for Jungwon to risk it being taken away from them. And Jay understands that. He has no other choice.
Jungwon’s hair tickles his chin as he tilts his head up to kiss him softly, deeply, a fond smile stretching his lips when they part.
“Hey,” Jungwon whispers, blinking down at Jay slowly like a cat who got the cream, literally, and Jay whispers back, “Hi,” bumping their noses together and breathing in the smell of his aftershave and sex and something that is just Jungwon.
Jungwon lets Jay’s cock slip out of him then, hissing when he feels his hole gape around the remnants of Jay’s come leaking out. Jay is glad he can’t see it, because he fears he would have to do it all again if he did. He watches Jungwon wipe himself down as he cleans his own stomach, scolding the younger when he carelessly throws the come-covered tissues on the floor.
“It’s messy anyway, hyung, you need to clean,” Jungwon teases him, but Jay just rolls his eyes and pulls him in tight again, Jungwon’s head resting on his chest so he can probably hear how fast and loud Jay’s heart beats just for him.
They fall quiet then, Jay threading his fingers through Jungwon’s hair and Jungwon absentmindedly tracing shapes on his chest. Jay knows if he really could, Jungwon would be purring right now, and the thought warms his heart. Then, Jungwon stills, and Jay feels him hold his breath.
“Hyung.”
“Hm.”
“You know I like you, too, right? I mean, in a different way than I like the others.”
Jay’s heart aches. He thinks about all the times Jungwon has laughed at his stupid jokes, has said something nice to him when the others teased him, has held his hand when Jay was questioning if he could do something, has been nice to his parents who almost love him more than they love their own son, has listened to his worries, has encouraged him to do what he wanted and given him so much strength and comfort, has kissed and touched and made love to him with so much reverence and care Jay felt his heart, body and soul burst open and spill his whole entire self out for Jungwon to soak him up and become one.
Jungwon is trembling, and Jay knows the words already cost him more than he could ever repay him for. And Jay will be patient. He will rip out his heart and carry it in his open palm and hold it out to Jungwon to take as much as he needs whenever he needs, until hopefully one day Jungwon will accept it whole and replace it with his own for Jay to keep forever.
He presses a kiss to the crown of Jungwon’s head, glad that Jungwon’s hair soaks up the tears running down his cheeks before he can feel that they’re even there. “I know, Jungwonnie,” he whispers, because he doesn’t trust his voice not to break as he reassures him. “It’s okay. I know.”