Chapter Text
Dying in a war can put many things into perspective. For Katsuki, it has left him grateful and earnest. Now every day he likes to reflect on what he has. Gratitude is a muscle that only works best with consistent exercise.
He likes to think of at least two things daily that he is thankful for. The first for the day was a perfectly aesthetic breakfast. Today he went with simple, gyudon and green tea. The preparation was quick and apart from his egg tasting a little waxy and a bit undercooked, the chives and onions blended well with the added seasons in the meat, allowing him to enjoy every piece of it in full.
After the fight with OFA he was left unable to eat red meat for 4 weeks, until the makeshift heart they transplanted into him proved to function smoothly. It remains an agonizing memory, and a motivator to appreciate the little things.
Yes, the little things are important. Here is another;
Katsuki is grateful for privacy, the kind that he never got at the hospital. Of course you can't get privacy, not when your heart was blown in 7 different directions out of your chest and onto the grass, a garden of poppies made from wine red on lush green. There is no, "Can I have the room to myself" when 20 people come in with injuries that less than 7 of them will survive. Night is not night at the hospital, it is just another shift. Florescent lights blink the way fireflies flash, and the nocturnals wear white with shoes that squeak against wax floors, checking in every hour on the hour to make sure that a person who was breathing at one time period is still breathing each interval after that.
In the large ecosystem of 'Musutafu Hospital', there is no such thing as privacy.
So Katsuki will always be grateful that such a thing exists in the dorms of UA.
“Fuck”
With the sound of slick so embarrassingly loud and heavy in the air, Katsuki seriously wants to thank whoever it is that came up with an upgraded room plan for them in third year, which resulted in more soundproof walls.
A small (very small) part of him is still deciding if maybe working out should have been the alternate root for him to take to de-stressing today. Shouldn't he have just done something less…indulgent…
But his finger glides around the dome of his penis a little more easily with each stroke and the thought leaves his mind. Nah , Katsuki is happier to be laying on his bed right now, instead of on his floor with weights around him.
And besides, he fucking needed this. It's been so long since he's had this level of peace and quiet with most of the school out of the dorms for the spring break, just a couple stragglers that he sees from Class 2B popping in and out of the cafeteria, but nearly everyone from class 2A cleared the dorms by the end of the last day of classes.
He didn't blame them, it had been months since they had seen their families. His parents were away on a trip so he decided staying at UA was the most sensible option. And the most ideal too because fuck did his mother nag. One week away from her would do him right. One week away from everyone actually to study, train, meditate, sometimes cry though he won't admit it..
And to masturbate.
He releases another sound when he tugs his dick particularly hard, pulling back the foreskin to the point that it gives a too tight sting, not too painful, just enough to feel something. He's gotten more time over the semester after the war to figure out what he likes and doesn't like, and he's beginning to understand concepts like “play” and “edging”, holding out for a little while, then chasing the pleasure again before it can get too far away.
When his dick is like this he likes to keep it pulled for a little, allowing the cool air to touch the tender, normally unexposed skin of the underside. It does unjust things to him, and makes him shudder like crazy.
Self exploration was never something he did very often, usually feelings of anger, resentment, competition driving him to complete his goals. And if it wasn't any of those three, it was something more base level like the need to eat or sleep. But a lot has happened after the war, and a lot had happened even before it.
He has hashed out all of his major insecurities, (some he's still working on) and improved a many of his friendships, one in particular. Now, Katsuki is… kinda deflated in his opinion. That is to say he is more regulated and is able to distinguish between anger and other emotions, one such feeling being arousal, and boy did it feel good to put a name to the feeling accordingly.
He wonders why it took him this long to understand, that this, this is something that he can do for himself, he's allowed this, to feel good, to cum. He isn't gross for wanting this, nor is he undeserving of pleasure after everything he thinks did to All Might’s career, and everything he knows he did to Midoriya.
Guilt was also a major motivator in his desire to stay angry at himself, though it was directed outwardly. It took several meetings with his therapist, some more unpleasantly emotional than others, to understand that this was not okay.
Do you think this is what Midoriya would want? To know that you don't do things you enjoy because you are remembering all the things that you did to him?
Acceptance that he had to let go of his guilt left Bakugou a sobbing mess, something that he will keep a secret till the day he dies.
Things got easier though, he was advised that sometimes it is better not to wait for a feeling to come instead of doing things to induce it. So…he started hanging with his friends more after training, went to the common room to play games, learned how to bake with Sato, joined in on movie nights, and trained longer with Midoriya.
Izuku . Katsuki gets to call him that now, and it makes him feel a strange warmness when he does it.
And yes, pushing your body under extenuating circumstances does not typically count as having fun (speak for your fucking self) but Katsuki never allowed himself the enjoyment of just…training with Deku, of watching the boy master a new move and hyping it up (cause if deku’s strong, katsuki gets stronger by default), of watching him trip over himself and laughing his ass off, of just… looking at him for a little while longer, not to analyze any moves or give him harsh critique, bur just because he wants to look, just because katsuki is allowed to look.
In those moments he sees everything, the sweat beading from his forehead, the stretch of thread from a uniform that needs resizing because every fucking three months Deku is bulking somewhere else (Him too. heh heh.). And sometimes, he can tell how much sleep the nerd needs from just looking at his posture.
He can never tell if izuku knows that he looks, and honestly with the peace he feels about it it makes it hard to care. Maybe this too is part of his journey to self forgiveness?
But anyways why is he thinking about Izuku right now? His cockskin has been pulled back for too long as he notices the moisture starting to stick and not smooth, too much air contact. No matter, katsuki likes a little experimentation. He looks down to lift his hand from his cock, and damn the reddish-purple fucker is still standing strong. He spits into his palm, tongue sticking out to lick the saliva moderately around it. Sometimes he just licks at his hand for a minute or too, sometimes he even likes to smell the saliva and precum as he sucks at it.
But today, he does a particularly fun activity. Katsuki would say that his favorite part of his dick is that split on the underside that comes straight up to the head and spreads out into the tiny even circle that defines the pee hole. Just rubbing it with a finger is enough to make him moan again.
“ Yes… ”
There's a thing he likes to do with his fingersm It is something he did in drumming practice when he was trying to better feel out the beat naturally; putting the sticks away to instead, tap his fingers against the drum, one tap then another, alternating until he understood the rhythm. It was grounding.
And it was fucking tantalizing when he did it to his penis. He starts with the index finger, one tap gently on the underside of his cock, then a tap with the middle, interchanging and repeating. Katsuki exhales roughly, eyes closed, eyebrows turned upward in a sorrowful pleasure as he goes a bit quicker, and firmer, but still gentle.
The room is sound proof, but due to oversensitivity in his ears from early adolescent quirk compatibility and training, he can hear the dull tapping over and over and it sounds like music; grounding .
Like this he likes to kick of the sheets, open his legs a little wider, get the other hand busy playing with his taught and slimy balls, lightly tapping them too in a dangling motion.
“Oh fuck… shit ..”
The taps start to sound sharper when precum bobbles from the head, giving him more slick to work with. He thinks he can come just like this, wants to try doing it too, but he might need some help, a guide.
Begrudgingly the wet hand on his balls leaves to shuffle around the bed in search of his phone and one of his earphones. Earlier he was listening to a slow beat that he wanted to practice on his drums for the next time he gets to use them. He'll use that to help him reach the finish.
With the best one handed precision he can use since it's not his dominant hand, katsuki restarts the hour long beat, places one earphone in his heart, and glides his hand back to his balls to continue his previous efforts.
Fuck when did masturbating feel this good. Like, when did it actually become fun?
Among other thoughts he thinks, am I a weirdo is up there but he can't think too much on that when he's getting so close to the summit.
More precum dribbles out from the weeping cock and katsuki takes time just to look at it. He rarely thanks his parents for anything but he is for sure grateful for the fact that the combination of genes they mixed together gave him a decent sized cock. Fuck that, he's being modest. He's measured already (like the insecure little shit that he is), 8 inches of meat, and pretty too. If he knew genuinely loving himself and his body was part of this healing process he would've done it earlier.
He leans his head back on the pillow and just listens to the beat in one ear and the gradual tapping in the other. His balls are getting tight.
“Fuck…shit…”
His toes start to curl and katsuki spreads his legs a little wider preparing for the eye rolling orgasm about in a couple moments.
“I'm—….fuck I'm gonna cum I-”
[“Hello? Kaachan?? Are you there??”]
.
…
………….
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
.
His therapist always tells him to be gentle with himself, but at this moment if there is one reason why he will not forgive himself it is for setting up that fucking automatic answer service on his phone and not turning it off since internships ended.
To be fair, truly he had forgotten. It wasn't like anybody called him regularly compared to texting him. Who the fuck dared call Katsuki Bakugou maybe except his mom, and not even she did it too ofte, respecting his preference to text. No one really crossed that boundary. Not till now at least.
[“Kaachan??”]
Leave it to Izuku Midoriya to be the one to jump right over it.
He really didn't want to deal with Deku right now, he was getting so close, so so close to that point of bliss. He didn't trust his voice to speak, so he contemplated just saying nothing until the nerd hung up.
Seriously why the fuck was he calling him now?? Wasn't he supposed to be on spring break?! With his fucking family or something?!?!
[I can't hear you? Is my phone on? Are you okay??I hope he's okay…is something wrong why would he pick up if-]
CHRIST
“Deku I'm here… What do you want” the words pull themselves through gritted teeth.
“Oh great!! For a second there I thought something had happened to you! Cause why would you pick up and not say anything unless you had picked up and then suddenly fell or something—
“M’fine…phone's…on auto answer..”
He can't do this shit now. He needs to cum and he's being interrupted.
“Oh that makes sense! Didn't you remember to turn it off after our internships? Geeze after a week of Urakaka and Iida calling me in my sleep I had to-
“Deku- fuck ! What do you want?”
“O-oh I'm sorry kaacha- katsuki… I didn't know you were busy”
Katsuki, even though he was thoroughly lust headed, picked up on his mistake almost immediately. Whenever Izuku called him by his first name it was because the boy felt like he was overstepping Katsuki's boundaries.
The blonde didn't like that at all, they worked too hard and come this far for him to make deku feel like that. He himself worked too hard. It wasn't Deku's fault that Katsuki had the lack of brains to adjust the privacy and permission settings on his phone, and he won't make him pay for that either.
“N-no it's not… I'm sorry—
“R-really I can go, it was my fault—
“ Izuku . I'm not busy…I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry…”
“Oh…alright then”
When he hears the small relief in Izuku’s voice he feels his heart rate start to slow down a bit.
“well I just called to check in on you… I know it's practically just you there.”
There are miles that katsuki has to walk before he can understand and fully accept that Izuku sees him as his friend. But when he does things like this, it makes the journey easier. Katsuki can't help the tiny smile that lifts the corners of his lips, he's in a bit of a friendly teasing mood.
“Missed me that much nerd?”
“Haha! Kind of, you can say that.”
And it's even though it's being played off as a joke, he can't help but feel a gentle warmth underneath his skin at this. It's obvious though, isn't it?
Izuku doesn't hate him, he treats him like a friend, he also states constantly that he misses his friends when they are away, this is no different.
Here is another obvious statement, Katsuki likes to hear Izuku say that he misses him. It's very rare that he does because they are usually together or near each other, but in times like these; breaks for school, separate internships, just hearing him say it, katsuki admits, is allowed to admit, makes him feel so happy, and so so good.
The exhale is an accident.
“K-Kacchan?”
Fuck
“S-sorry nerd…was uh- I-I’m working out”
“Oh, oh okay!”
He's almost shocked that he dodged that bullet but Izuku is one of the most oblivious people he knows. And honestly, it's almost cute if that's a word he can use appropriately within context.
“Woooww! Kaachan you can work out while being on the phone?? That's so cool! I wish I could, I'd get distracted so easily.”
“Heh. That's the difference between you and I” he says this with an air of breathiness to induce a playful tone once again.
“How many reps are you at now? I don't wanna mess with your flow” Izuku questions.
“I wasn't counting… but it's fine.” he releases a slight huff just to sound convincing.
And pause. Why exactly is he playing along with this. Truthfully he doesn't have to tell deku anything, doesn't even have to mention what he was doing before he called and how much pleasure he was having.
But in a rush he made up this lie of working out and somehow the thought of telling deku otherwise or even telling him that he lied, alomg with the feeling of-
Actually scratch that. Never mind all of that mumbo jumbo. He knows why. Short and simply put; he just doesn't want to upset Izuku. Wants him to be happy with him…all the time. So he keeps it up.
“So do you work out every day even though we're on break”
“I try not to… ngh… not to fall behind…”
“Kaachan! We told you that kind of thinking is dangerous!”
“M’not-... I'm not killing myself nerd”
Seriously what the fuck does he look like, just laying on the bed and making stupid sounds. If Sero and Kaminari caught him now they'd have a field day for the rest of the fucking semester. Scratch that- the rest of his fucking life.
And really he would've considered actually going on the ground and muscling through the act if his dick wasn't so hard, still.
…
Why is it still hard?
Before when he used to self-destruct and spontaneously combust at things and feelings he couldn't understand, Katsuki's therapist introduced to him the idea of ‘unpacking’, a simple term used to describe the delayering of complex emotions to make them easier to comprehend and later communicate. He does this regularly and it comes in handy right at this moment.
Okay, the problem;
He is still hard even though he is talking to Izuku. Alright.
Earlier he was masturbating, edging to be exact. He was going to cum.
He was enjoying it very much.
Izuku called unexpectedly. He snapped at him and because he didn't want to upset him, he tolerated the call and made up an excuse that would cushion izuku's feelings for why he seemed so edgy.
All of this was in the space of one to two minutes, could be less. His hand is still on his dick.
Of course he is still hard. Give him a fucking break. In conclusion, if he gives it more time, the erection will go down by itself.
Or better yet, deku will hang up soon. When he hangs up he'll get back to it. He still wants to cum.
This is his hope as he takes his hand and gently tightens it around the base, delaying his already postponed pleasure.
“kaachan?”
“...what?”
“Well I was asking you what you thought?”
“A-about what?”
“Seriously??”
Oh yeah sometimes he gets in his head when he's thinking to the point where he can't hear others around him. Fucking sue him.
“Was- ngh.. locked in on a set just now” he pants “repeat the question.”
“I was asking you what you thought about the campus now that it's so empty, does it feel different?”
“Yeah it does…much quieter”
“Doesn’t it get lonely?...no?”
“M-more time to myself” he false grunts
“Oh yeah that's true, and more time to work out haha!”
And cum unless you've got your phone on auto answer like me, His intrusive thoughts supply
“So besides working out what have you been up to?”
Masturbat-
“I try to cook extra …in…ugh… my spare ti- hah- time”
“Oh that's nice! I've been trying some stuff in the kitchen too” and the exuberance in izuku's voice is just too pure not to tease. It also helps to distract him if only a little.
“You? In which kitchen? I didn't know aunty Inko had full coverage home insurance, gotta tell my parents so we can switch to her plan”
“Kaachannnn” izuku wines and katsuki does not dismiss the fact that he feels something chip at his emotions when he hears it.
“I really am doing my best, why do you like teasing me like that?”
Oh .
Okay. Alright…
This is fine.
what the fuck
This is not fine…
Here is what is happening right now.
There is a vent in katsuki's room sounding in an out the regulate the air conditioning. The curtain is tugging lightly from the airflow. The plumbing in the bathroom is making a noise. His diffuser stopped a minute ago. A school yards-man is outside cutting the grass.
And Katsuki's penis is still hard and now slowly bobbing, even though his hand has tightened around it to cut off the pleasure for some time.
He is looking for an explanation that his brain can supply and he is coming up empty. But he knows the truth is right in front of him.
There are things that he will never tell his therapist, specifically because he figured them out during self exploration, (moreso because who the fuck talks to their therapist about masturbation) but he sometimes likes to think of himself as someone who can give pleasure to others. Like an act of service.
And maybe it's tied up with and goes back to his feelings of guilt, but the idea of just..well…
“servicing” someone in the way that he does for himself, gives him more of a rewarding orgasm that anything else on some days…he's lying, on most days.
What does that look like in his head, doing what he does to himself but to them, edging them, extending their pleasure to the point where it almost becomes torture …shudders of a body beneath him, pleas, cries
whimpers
“Please katsuki…”
“Bakugou more”
“It's too much..”
“i’m doing my best, why do you like teasing me like that”—
Alright. It makes sense. He's thinking of the words themselves and how they link back to the fantasies in his head of pleasure. That is what is maintaining his erection. But sound definitely played a role in it, he won't deny that.
Izuku would fit the part.
Katsuki has never lied to himself and he won't start now. He has analyzed some of the people he associated with, their behaviors, knows what they are like and how they act on a regular basis. From time to time the ones that fit the fantasies have graced his mind.
But Izuku? Never Izuku. Katsuki couldn't think of him in that way, he didn't deserve to have thoughts like that after all that he had done, even if it was just casual. So Izuku was always kept in a locked box, away from his wicked- human desires, and never exploited - explored with.
.
But what about now?
“Do you think this is what Izuku would want? To know that you don't do things you enjoy because you are remembering all the things that you did to him?”
He's his friend right?... And sometimes…he thinks about his friends… there's nothing wrong with that.
“Kaachan, still there?”
Oh right, he hasn't been responding, just panting and deep breathing in deku's ear like the depraved mutt that he is.
Here's the thing about behavior. Studies show that once you start imitating an action you are compelled to adopt it. Pretend to stutter and eventually you will develop an impediment, force tears and soon involuntary emotions will follow in order to maintain them.
The breaths start to have a meaning, and he begins to feel it, the pulse in his penis, the need to come just like this, on the phone, with the boy he has guilted and tortured himself with for the past two years. Who he hasn't forgiven himself for hurting.
He takes his hand and makes a steady stroke upwards.
“Yeah, deku I'm here”, it's a whisper.
“I was asking if you wanted me to bring you anything that I try to make while I'm at home?”
“S-sure…sounds good…once I won't die”
“You won't”
There was a slight meanness in Izuku's tone to that one, katsuki laments.
He's careful too, not to make the sounds too loud, so that Izuku doesn't get the impression that he isn't in fact working out, so he doesn't know the truth.
“Alright nerd - bring somethin’- back for me”
“Yes that sounds amazing! Oh there are so many things I wanna try!”
His head falls deeper into the pillow and he's rolling his eyes back in his head
Slowly up, carefully down.
Fuck
There is a strangeness in this where, Katsuki feels compelled to talk back, to respond and listen out for what Izuku will say next, and what he can turn it into…
“What have you-… oh… (careful wrong sound) what have - you tried making since you - fuck -…since you got back?”
“Well I won't lie, I have just been trying simple stuff. Er…I did yakitori the other night?”
“ ngh …How did it taste?”
“Hmmmm…it was still kinda raw…I didn't let it cook through enough. The meat was still really tough in my mouth but the veggies were really good!”
He rattles out an exhale that he hopes deku takes as an exercise response. Fuck turning Deku's words into something else, he didn't need to make any effort at all…
All the guilt he though he would feel from this is somehow no longer at the forefront of his worry. Like everything else, why didn't he try this sooner.
Now, there is something else that he wants to try. Earlier before this, he was interrupted.
When his fingers go back to that familiar tapping, they are more strategic, already having an idea of the pace he liked and where he liked them. His frenulum is so fucking sensitive at this point that it doesn't take much to get a build up going. He almost forgets to respond, almost.
He doesn't go for teasing this time.
“Next time… lower the stove or the oven,” he grunts softly “ take your time with the food - don't rush it Izuku”
He is really talking about himself, but Izuku doesn't have to know that.
Izuku
God, the name is just rolling off his mouth.
“Oh! I will, thanks Kaachan! You're so helpful!”
“Glad to be of service nerd..”
Whenever you need it
He exchanges tapping for a light circular motion rubbing around the cock head, and his toes curl from the feeling.
“And what about you Kaachan??”
“W-what?”
“What are you gonna make for me in exchange? Hm?”
His balls are tightening and he lifts the other hand that touched at them to start stocking his penis in time with the circular motions against the head of his cock. Every thing feels so slippery and tender to touch.
“Didn't know - it was an e-exchange… w-what'd ya want?”
“I'll eat anything you give me”
Don't tell me that, please don't tell me that
He's closer than he's ever been, and panting like he hasn't since the call started.
“Anything?”
“Of course!”
What about cum?
As soon as he thinks it a thought appears, so vivid, that Katsuki swears he is watching a film. Pictured scarily enough to reach out and touch is Izuku's face blushed out, sticky and hot with cum sprayed and dripping all over it, tears in the corners of his eyes as he scoops it towards his mouth and laps at it generously, like he can't fucking have enough of it.
Mmm more kaachan
And for all the pain in the world he feels from biting his lip, it can't stop the wicked, malicious grunt that pushes past his lips that he tries desperately to play off as his final rep in his exercise. But he can only hold out for so long.
“FUCK. Shit! Shit !!”
Cum erupts from the head of his cock so forcefully that it almost terrifies him, it splatters the wall above his head, and lands on his stomach, abs and even gets on the sheets. Even then, with his balls emptied, his orgasm doesn't stop and somehow he is still curling his toes and thrusting upwards for what feels like minutes before his mind comes back into focus and hears Izuku on the line.
“Whoah! Are you okay? It sounds like you just hurt yourself, did you hurt yourself??!!”
“y-yeah…
“Where did you hurt?? Are you injured badly?! If so I can-
“I - zuku…”
“Yeah?”
“ gotta go.”
“Wai-
He ends the call.
.
What has he done ?