Chapter Text
“my chest aches with these words, that are
carved into my ribs.
words that i cannot form,
but i was made this way, wasn’t i?
made with chaos in my blood.
and a war in my head.”
Clarke loved summers.
The feel of the heat on her pale skin, the warm sand slipping through her bare feet. Nights spent with her friends, drunk confessions mumbled through her soft lips no one would surely remember by morning. Built campfires on the beach, playing her guitar while everyone whines about the burnt marshmallows as they sing along with songs.
Clarke loved summers more than anything but it was coming to an end already and here she sat, enjoying her last day of freedom.
‘’I can’t believe this is going to be our last year,’’ Wells sighed as he took a sip from his milkshake. ‘’I remember when my dad prepared us for high school, it seems like days ago,’’ He looked at the girls facing him: Raven, long dark locks falling perfectly on her her smooth skin, Clarke’s sun-tanned face looking nothing like the girl he had met years ago. They had all grown up so much, and it made the realization that this was their last year even more profound.
‘’Well, I personally can’t wait to finally get out here,’’ Raven said. ‘’I’m in desperate need of new people around me. I mean, no offense to you guys.’’
‘’Some taken,’’ Clarke said pretend offended. ‘’But I get what you mean. This town is suffocating.’’
Raven fumbled with her straw before looking at her friend. ‘’So how are you and Finn?’’ she asked. ‘’All good in paradise?’’
Clarke hadn’t seen Finn since four weeks ago when he and his family decided to leave the country and road trip through Europe. He should’ve been back by now, but it wasn’t like they had talked much either.
‘’We haven’t really talked much yet,’’ Clarke admitted, and as she said it she knew that must have sounded ridiculous especially considering she and Finn used to be inseparable. The perfect couple from The Ark High school. They hadn’t been that for a while now though.
Raven gave her a look but decided not to push it further. They drank up their milkshakes in silence and then went to Raven’s backyard.
‘’What about Octavia’s?’’ Clarke asked, as Raven handed out pieces of paper and pencil. ‘’I haven’t seen her all summer.’’
‘’She gave me hers yesterday and asked if I could do it for her instead,’’ Raven shrugged. ‘’She’s busy lately, I guess.’’ She let out a soft chuckle.
Clarke wasn’t sure what that was even supposed to mean and continued to write down her own list on the paper Raven had given her instead.
It was something they had done since they were freshman. They would write out their wishes for every school year and they would bury it in Raven’s backyard. It was extra special this year because they were allowed to open all of them at the end of the school year.
She didn’t know what she was supposed to write out really. When she was younger she wished for money, for a certain piece of clothing, for her grandma to get healthy again, for love, for about anything. But now that she was older, nothing seemed to fit anymore. She was far from having everything she wanted but she felt content in a way.
Which wasn’t entirely true because sometimes she did feel like something was missing, she just couldn’t put her finger on what exactly it was just yet.
Get into college . She wrote first. Sell at least one piece of art.
Find the missing piece . She wrote at last. It didn’t really make sense but she knew she would know what it meant, and that’s what mattered the most.
‘’We’re finally going to be be grown ups after this year,’’ Wells said, as he put their piece of papers in a jar. ‘’Can you believe it?’’
‘’I can’t believe we’re going to have to deal with having actual responsibilities,’’ Clarke sighed more to herself than anyone else. ‘’I hate responsibilities.’’
‘’We know,’’ Wells chuckled, winking at Raven, both well aware of that.
Clarke playfully pushed his shoulder. ‘’But, I think I’m ready for a new beginning.’’
‘’Well, I think I’m ready for another milkshake,’’ Raven said, looking at the others, then slowly walking back towards her house.
‘’Me too,’’ Wells agreed, handing the jar to Clarke before also making his way towards the house, leaving Clarke standing there by her own.
She sighed, taking a last look at the jar before putting it in the ground, laying dirt on top of it.
‘’A new beginning,’’ She mumbled softly to herself.
**
When Clarke arrived at school the next morning, it was as if she had never left. Sure it was her last year at The Ark High School, but other than that, nothing felt different. It was kind of like the way you feel after your birthday. You’re supposed to feel older and you expect the world to change somehow, but then you wake up the next day and everything is just the same old.
‘’Hey you,’’ Clarke said when she saw Octavia walking towards her. She somewhat looked different, her legs more toned, her childish soft features replaced. ‘’Well, look at you O. You look hot . When did that happen?’’
The younger girl hugged her. ‘’Are you suggesting my ass didn’t look this fine before?’’ Octavia smirked.
‘’No, I don’t really recall,’’ Clarke said, raising an eyebrow.
‘’I’m offended, Griffin,’’ Octavia replied. ‘’Maybe if I didn’t look this good I would’ve been hurt by that statement.’’
‘’Any particular reason you look like you’ve been working your ass out every day this summer?’’ Clarke asked. She might have spent her summer working at her aunt’s restaurant, Octavia certainly hadn’t. The girl was practically glowing.
‘’There might have been a really cute instructor I might have been hooking up with all summer.’’
‘’Do tell,’’ Clarke curiously said. She wasn’t used to the younger girl hooking up with anyone, mostly because Bellamy didn’t really allow it. Which was understandable, especially with what happened.
‘’His name is Lincoln, and I’m telling you Clarke, he’s really cute,’’ Octavia said. ‘’Killer abs too.’’
‘’And very rich too. I’ve heard,’’ Raven said, butting into the conversation as she stood next to Clarke.
‘’Yeah, that too,’’ Octavia admitted, ‘’but that’s not what it’s about.’’
‘’Sure it is,’’ Raven smirked, rolling her eyes. Clarke had a feeling the older girl wasn’t really sure what to think about Octavia’s new boyfriend yet, or whatever he was supposed to be. Clarke could see it, for one, he was already in college, and secondly, there was just something off about him.
He reminded her of Woods family, he really did.
The three of them walked towards their first class and sat down at the back of the room.
‘’Have you seen Finn yet?’’ Octavia asked. ‘’Bellamy said his time in Europe was great. Even said we might be going there after we graduate.’’
Clarke shook her head. She had thought about calling him yesterday but then Raven dragged her to their annual school’s-tomorrow-let’s-enjoy-our-last-day-of-freedom get together and she totally forgot about it right after. Well, she forgot about it until 10pm and decided it was way too late to call him.
‘’Clarke.. It’s been weeks,’’ Raven groaned. ‘’I thought you said you’d call him yesterday.’’
‘’Can we just drop it,’’ Clarke said, a bit annoyed. She knew her friends were right, she hadn’t spoken to Finn in weeks and she should’ve called or at least try to make an effort to see him. But then, he hadn’t made an effort either.
‘’Whatever you say,’’ Raven sighed.
They eased in their first couple of classes, most of them were just introduction to whatever was ahead of them this year anyway.
When they walked to their last class before lunch, a girl suddenly stood in front of them. Costia . Dark brown eyes were set on them, curious but amused. ‘’Girls,’’ she said. There was something about the girl that made you want to turn around and run away as far as possible.
Clarke looked quickly to Raven who was as confused as she was. Raven composed rather quickly, it came rather natural to her. ‘’What do you want?’’
Costia was different than the other girls from Woods’ little squad. A form of entitlement was written all over her face and Clarke could tell Raven despised her.
‘’I just wanted to give you guys this in person,’’ Costia said, handing Raven an envelope. ‘’It’s an invitation for the Woods’ party on Friday. You can bring your other friends with you, I guess.’’ Her smooth fingers lingered a bit before handing over the envelope completely.
This clearly wasn’t her idea.
‘’Thanks.. I guess,’’ Raven said, still a bit confused. Before she could say anything else the girl had already turned around. Walking away from them with a certain grace; the way only she could do, handing out more invitations to people around her as she did.
‘’That was slightly strange,’’ Octavia said, as they walked to their next class. Raven just rolled her eyes and handed the envelope to Clarke. ‘’Just slightly.’’
‘’Let’s go.’’
When lunch time finally came, Clarke sat down at their usual table, joined by Octavia and Raven. She only had a couple of classes today but she was already feeling tired. She had a feeling that she had a long week ahead of her.
‘’What’s that?’’ Wells asked, pointing to the envelope in front of her as he sat down next to her. ‘’I thought Finn wasn’t the romantic.’’
‘’It’s an invitation to the Woods’ party,’’ Clarke explained while she handed him the envelope. ‘’Costia handed some out this morning.’’
‘’Woods? As in Lexa Woods?’’ Wells frowned, reading the invitation inside the envelope. ‘’Aren’t her parties rich territory only?’’
‘’Well, I suppose not, since we’re invited,’’ Clarke said. ‘’I think we’re one of the few, actually.’’
‘’So… are we going?’’ Wells asked, fiddling with the envelope. ‘’I mean, it’s Woods , you don’t just get an invitation, right?’’
‘’Well, there’s gonna be expensive booze, I’m going either way,’’ Raven retorted, taking a bite from her sandwich.
‘’I agree with Raven.’’ Octavia said. ‘’Besides, Lincoln said he’d be there too.’’
‘’Instructor guy?’’ Clarke smirked. ‘’Why would he be there? Isn’t he like twenty years old or something?’’ Clarke still wasn’t entirely sure about Octavia’s new guy either. He seemed… sketchy. Which maybe was unfair since she hadn’t even properly met the guy. She knew she could be a bit judgy, though she would like to believe she was just being overprotective.
‘’I don’t know,’’ Octavia shrugged, eyeing Clarke. ‘’He’s nineteen by the way. He goes to Arkadia College, and Woods invite them over all the time.’’
Lexa’s parties were notorious by college people, mostly because there weren’t a lot of parties in town or nearby their college other than the monthly ones at The Grounders .
‘’Are you going, Wells?’’ Clarke asked. ‘’I mean your father..’’
‘’That’s exactly why I’m going,’’ Wells said, not letting Clarke even finish her sentence.
Clarke hoped her mother would at least agree with letting her go as well, she hadn’t sneaked out for a party since that one night, and she wasn’t really ready to do so either.
**
The rest of the week was mostly spent at school or at home. Clarke’s schedule was already tight so she was glad it was almost weekend.
‘’So how do I look?’’ Raven asked as she stood before Clarke’s mirror.
It was Friday night and they were supposed to go to the Woods party. They didn’t even had to sneak out for this one, something they normally had to do since her mother didn’t really allow her to party much anymore.
‘’Hot,’’ Clarke merely said, all her focus on the drawing before her. Her grandma’s birthday was coming up and she still hadn’t decided which sketch she was going to develop further.
‘’You didn’t even look,’’ Raven sighed.
‘’I don’t have to,’’ Clarke retorted.
Raven turned around. ‘’True,’’ She then sat down at the opposite of Clarke’s bed. ‘’So have you talked to Finn yet? You can’t keep ignoring him forever you know.’’
‘’I’m not ignoring him,’’ Clarke said. ‘’I just haven’t had the time to really talk to him yet.’’
‘’You know how ridiculous that sounds right?’’ Raven shook her head, but decided, yet again, not to push anything further, it wasn’t in her place to do so. Instead she switched her position to look at what Clarke was doing. ‘’Those look nice,’’ she said, as she looked down at Clarke’s spread out sketches.
‘’Well, nice isn’t really the word I want to achieve though,’’ Clarke sighed as she threw away the sketches, she bit her lips, something she did whenever she was overthinking.
‘’You have another four weeks to figure something out,’’ Raven said as she curled up next to her, sensing Clarke’s mood.‘’Don’t be so hard on yourself.’’
If only that was an option.
They were interrupted by the bell and when Clarke opened the door Finn stood before her. He smiled and kissed her. ‘’You look good.’’
‘’Thank you,’’ She said softly. It was as if nothing had changed between them at all and it felt strangely satisfying. In a twisted way, that is.
‘’Are you guys done yet? You make me sick,’’ Murphy interrupted them, rolling his eyes the way he always did. Clarke wasn’t even sure why he was here, it wasn’t like anyone actually liked him anyway. It was pathetically sad, and maybe that was the reason why nobody ever mentioned it.
‘’Shut up, Murphy,’’ Bellamy said, slapping him on his back.
‘’Let’s go,’’ Raven said at last.
Half an hour later they finally pulled up in the drive away and were faced with a big mansion, it was at least four times the size of Clarke’s home. There were expensive cars were parked in the driveway, laughter and loud music was already to be heard.
She had heard about the Woods parties before, it was basically just a party full of stuck up rich kids drinking their expensive bottles of booze, smoking god knows what all the while talking about politics, play games and generally just throwing a shitload of money into bets. Clarke despised it.
She wasn’t even sure why their gang was even invited, it seemed like they were just one of the few. Not that it mattered much now.
‘’Fuck,’’ Raven simply said, taking in the sights around her, she had never seen anything like this either.
‘’I agree,’’ Wells chuckled as he was the first one to move towards the door.
A woman, one of Lexa’s maids Clarke assumed, opened the door. She looked strangely at them and was about to say something when Costia greeted them and told the woman, who was apparently called Greta, to just take their damn coats.
‘’A lot of people try to crash the party. Last time some dudes from Arkadia College crashed and the police ended up arresting them for drug possession or something,’’ Costia explained. ‘’Anyway, knock yourself out.’’ She was gone before anyone could even say anything at all.
‘’She’s hot,’’ Murphy let out. ‘’What? I’m just saying..’’ He tried to explain when Bellamy shot him a look, rolling his eyes.
Inside the mansion was full of people Clarke recognized from school as well as some college kids from nearby. It was full and loud and people were already drunk. Clarke sighed, drank a shot of liquor placed on a table next to her and looked at her friends. ‘’Let’s get this party started, shall we.’’
She took Finn’s hand, dragging him towards the already crowded dance floor, her body was finding a rhythm while his hands were around her hips, his warm breath on her neck, leaving her shuddering while he left soft kisses as their bodies found a rhythm together.
They hadn’t been this close since forever and it felt exciting, but yet at the same time, it was completely different. There was a changed uncomfortable silence between them and they both knew it. She took another shot of liquor to drown out the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach and let herself completely lose on the music.
When another song passed she made her way towards Raven who was a bit too happy to see her. When she saw Octavia next to them making out with a guy she completely understood why.
‘’Instructor guy?’’ Clarke asked. Raven nodded but said nothing else.
‘’You gotta loosen up a bit, Raven,’’ Clarke stepped forward. ‘’You know you can’t mope around forever, right?’’ Clarke knew it was easy for her to say. Raven hadn’t loosened up since Bellamy broke up with her just a few weeks ago. She handed Raven a cup. ‘’Chin up, drink up and let’s go.’’
Raven raised a suspicious eyebrow but did as she was told. She didn’t second guess when Clarke took her hand and pretty much dragged her to the dance floor either.
They danced for a while, surrounded by people they didn’t know, they drank booze of expensive bottles, smoked whatever they were offered and even participated in a beer pong game.
A blonde girl, Clarke recognized as Echo, stood before them and offered them a smoke, which they took.
‘’First time here?’’ She wasn’t really asking, but they nodded anyway.
‘’Interesting,’’ Echo said. Then she turned to Raven and went on talking about a class they take together. She wasn’t exactly sure what the they were talking about and left them alone at it at last.
She walked around for a bit, taking in the house. The interior was modern and delicate but with a touch of vintage. She stopped to look at a painting hanging on the wall in the dining hall. There were several trees painted, all colored with all kind of mixed colors, all but one. It was a tree that stood in the middle, it wasn’t painted in with color, in was left gray and dark instead. It was a lonely sight and it left her feel wary.
‘’That’s beautiful,’’ A voice said from behind.
Finn .
‘’Yeah,’’ Clarke mumbled. She turned around and looked at him. He was sweaty, his signature childish charmed like smile was lit on his face. It used to make her feel dizzy but it hadn’t had that effect on her for a long time.
‘’I missed you,’’ Finn said, as he took a step forward, closing the distance than was still left between them. He planted a kiss on her lips. ‘’I know I should’ve called but my phone died about two days after I arrived in Amsterdam and you know my dad.’’
‘’It’s okay,’’ Clarke replied. She hated the fact he had an actual excuse, because she sure didn’t have one. He deserved one. He sure did.
‘’Are we?’’ Finn asked. ‘’I know you Clarke, I know something is wrong.’’ Finn was now looking at her, his eyes wary and confused, it somehow made him look younger. They just stared at each other. Neither of them saying a word.
It was game they used to play. It used to be comfortable and familiar, words didn’t need to be said between them. Each other’s presence was enough.
‘’What do you mean?’’ Clarke said at last, frowning. ‘’There’s nothing wrong.’’ She didn’t want to do this. Not now. Not when there was alcohol running down her veins that was probably going to make this whole situation even worse. She didn’t trust herself when she was drunk especially when she was upset.
All bottled up feelings would turn into a storm inside of her leaving damage every time she opens her mouth and Finn didn’t deserve that. ‘’Just dance with me?’’
‘’No,’’ Finn said, ignoring her attempt to take his hand. ‘’We have barely talked since I left for Europe, you ignored me at school. If I did something wrong just… just tell me.’’
Clarke took a deep breath. She should’ve seen it coming, she should’ve known this was going to happen. She knew where this conversation was going to, and she hated it. But she couldn’t stop it either.
‘’There’s just.. nothing,’’ Clarke said, not meeting his eyes. ‘’Nothing.’’ She regretted it the moment she said it out loud. There was no going back now, and it scared her. Yet it also felt like she could finally breathe again.
‘’Nothing, huh,’’ Finn repeated. He sighed. ‘’Well, that’s nice to know.’’
‘’I didn’t mean it like that. I just-’’ Clarke began . She wasn’t sure how to end. She was drunk, her mind racing with words she didn’t know how to properly put together to make it seem like any less.
‘’No, I think you do,’’ Finn said before Clarke could even try to stay anything else. ‘’You should’ve said something instead of ignoring me,’’ He sighed. ‘’It’s what you always do, Clarke.’’
‘’No it’s not,’’ Clarke protested, her voice raising. She was starting to get a bit irritated and she knew it was unfair, especially because this conversation was probably going to be the end of everything they’ve built over the last couple of years. She should’ve feel anything but irritated.
‘’Yes it is,’’ Finn said. ‘’You tried saving Raven and Bellamy’s relationship just weeks ago, then you tried fixing Monty’s and Jasper’s, because that’s what you do, Clarke. You fix things, but you also completely ignore your own fixing. That’s what I love about you, but that’s also what I hate about you.’’
‘’I-’’ Clarke began again, but she couldn’t grasp for any words. Finn was right. She knew he was right. He knew her better than anyone else. She wasn’t always bad at this. She really wasn’t. A tear fell down her cheek. Fuck .
‘’Let’s just talk about this tomorrow okay?’’ Finn said. ‘’We can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair.’’
Clarke sighed and nodded. She knew they there was nothing left between them, today or tomorrow, it didn’t even matter at this point.
Finn reached out to her, planted a kiss on her forehead and mumbled something about bringing her home. He went to grab their coats, leaving Clarke just standing there.
Clarke knew she needed to get out of there. A fresh breath of air, just anything.
She went for the nearest exit and wandered outside, taking in the view of the garden that was twice as big as her own, if not more. She lay down on the grass staring at a sky full of stars shining above her, letting herself drown in her own thoughts. She thought of Finn. The thought of having to let completely go of him scared her the shit out of her.
By now she couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheek. She let them while soft sobs escaped her mouth slowly.
That until she heard a voice. She quickly dried her tears, not yet moving.
Somehow it felt familiar though, as if she had heard it before. She knew that was ridiculous, but even though her fight with Finn had somehow sobered her up, there was still alcohol mixed in between all the soaked tears she quickly swept away.
Her eyes were locked with the ground, her cheeks burning from all the crying. She closed her eyes, hoping no one would actually find her. She didn’t want anyone’s pity.
‘’Uhm..’’ A voice said hesitant, probably not entirely sure if they should’ve said anything at all. ‘’Are you okay?’’ Clarke recognized the voice and mentally cursed herself. Yeah, she didn’t want anyone’s pity, but certainly not from Lexa Woods.
She opened her eyes and looking up she was met with a pair of curious set of eyes. Even in the dark Clarke could still make out how clear the green eyes of the girl standing in front of her were.
She wasn’t okay . She was far from okay . She spend so many years with Finn, he was practically her life, her home. How are you supposed to pick up the pieces of yourself when all you find is someone else's?
But the older girl, still staring at her, wouldn’t get that. Certainly not with a home like that and friends like those. She wished her life was that easy. It used to be. With Finn.
It always starts simple. Until that one person comes into your life, clams their entire existence onto your body and then.. suddenly it just isn’t.
And now she’s with a girl she barely knows, in a garden twice as big as her home, expensive alcohol running through her veins, just this close to pouring her heart and soul out.
‘’Are you?’’ Lexa asked again. She looked like she didn’t wanted to be here at all. That made two of them.
Clarke scoffed, but nodded, hugging herself tighter yet still not meeting Lexa’s eyes entirely. It was a warm night, but even then, Clarke was still shivering.
Without any hesitation Lexa took off her jacket and lay it around Clarke’s shoulders. She wasn’t sure what would happen next.
‘’Thank you,’’ Clarke said, her voice hoarse from crying. She dried her eyes once again, opening her mouth as to say something, but realizing she didn’t know how to fill the silence, she closed it again.
Lexa sat next to her and then laid herself down on the grass. For a moment Clarke was confused, she looked at the other girl, trying to read her face. She sighed at last and laid herself next to the older girl.
There was barely any space left between them, and for a while they were just lying there, in utter silence. It wasn’t comfortable but it wasn’t awkward either. Clarke wondered what the other girl was thinking of, if they were thinking of the same thing.
You see ,
Clarke met Lexa when she was barely six years old. Long blonde hair was falling lazily around her shoulders, big blue eyes full of innocence and curiosity. Her fingers were slowly brushing the pattern of a sketch she had laid out in the sandpit. Drawing had always been a passion of hers, something she shared with her father. The only thing that really still held them together.
Wells was sitting beside her, a book on his lap, a sweat falling down his dark skin. That’s how they spent their days; just six years old kids, passing time to their inevitable fate to grow up and become just another pawn in this god damn awful life.
The warm sun was shining on Clarke’s pale skin, until a shadow suddenly emerged from above. Clarke looked up, annoyed.
Lexa stood in that certain shadow, her dark curls shielded lazily before her eyes, but even then, Clarke could still make out the shy green of it. Words didn’t leave her mouth. She just stood there, watching, her eyes following Clarke’s movements. That until another girl tugged at her arm, childish laughter leaving her sweet mouth.
‘’I like that,’’ Lexa said softly before turning around abruptly, not giving Clarke a chance to say anything back.
They didn’t become friends after, in fact that was the last time she spoke with Lexa. Or, at least, up until now it was.
‘’We broke up,’’ Clarke suddenly said. ‘’Finn and I, I mean.’’ She wasn’t sure why she even said it, she just did. She didn’t even know if Lexa even knew who Finn was.
‘’I’m sorry,’’ Lexa mumbled.
‘’Yeah, me too,’’ Clarke said, closing her eyes, a tear falling down her cheek.
They looked at the sky for a while, neither saying a word.
‘’It’s a shooting star,’’ Lexa suddenly said, her hand pointing at the ceiling of stars above them.
‘’Yeah,’’ Clarke said, looking at anything but the stars. Her eyes were on Lexa instead, her eyes not as clear green as just moments before, her dark curly hair falling perfectly like it always did.
‘’So what did you wish for,’’ Lexa asked curiously, looking at Clarke now.
‘’Anything,’’ Clarke said, not wanting to play whatever this game was. Not tonight. Clarke also knew Lexa was probably just as drunk as her. She knew that on Monday all of this was just another forgotten moment between them.
Lexa opened her mouth as if to say something, before realizing that whatever she was going to say didn’t really matter.
‘’You don’t have to stay, you know,’’ Clarke said when she realized Lexa wasn’t going to answer her. ‘’You’re missing out the party.’’
‘’No it’s okay,’’ Lexa said. ‘’I mean, if you want me to go, I can.’’
‘’No, stay.’’ Clarke sighed. It was strange but in a way she felt comfortable with the older girl laying next to her, talking to her without really asking anything. She needed that right now.
‘’Please.’’