Chapter Text
The muffled sound of Eren's voice traveled down the hall to Levi's ears as he sat in the center of his bed, arms wrapped around his torso. His nerve endings were live wires as his mind blew up with scenarios of what was about to happen...where he was about to go and what kinds of things he'd have to experience once there. Flashes of people in white coats with all too friendly smiles coming at him with different kinds of things. They were women, mostly, with features much too similar to that of his aunt...
He shivered and tightened his arms around himself. He fought with everything in him to keep his cool, to remember why he'd made this decision in the first place.
That very reason stepped back into the room, saying, "Alex is on her way." His demeanor changed in an instant upon laying eyes on the raven, filled with anxiety. "What's wrong?"
"N-nothing. I'm just...cold..." he mumbled as an excuse he realized to be true as soon as he said it.
"Here," Eren murmured, reaching back and beginning to pull his hoodie over his head.
"No, Eren, it's f-" Levi attempted to protest, but before he was able to finish his sentence, Eren was pressing the warm sweatshirt into his arms.
"Don't worry about it. Unlike you, I have meat on my bones to keep me warm and I've already heated it up for you." His smile was almost painful to look at.
Levi admittedly couldn't resist the warmth (or, honestly, the smell) of the fabric and fumbled to pull it over his head. The thing practically engulfed him due to a combination of being immensely thin and smaller than Eren anyway. It was comforting, though, almost as if Eren himself were engulfing him.
"Can I check your bandages?" murmured the teen, taking a seat on the bed.
Wordlessly, Levi worked on pulling the sleeve of the hoodie up to reveal his forearm. Blood was already visible at the surface of the gauze covering his self-inflicted wound.
"Pain?" asked Eren.
"Not really."
Nodding slightly, Eren said, "Should probably change it before we leave..."
Levi let the brunet lead him to the bathroom by the hand. He sunk down onto the closed toilet lid and let Eren do his thing - peel the bandages off as gently as possible, discard them in the trash, clean up his arm and apply peroxide, wipe it again and apply new bandages, this time wrapping several layers around it rather than cutting and taping it.
Levi was so focused on Eren himself that he was startled a bit when the teen asked, "That feel okay?"
"What? Oh, yeah..."
Eren's gaze met Levi's head on and the raven realized borderline grim look he'd bore for the past several weeks had been replaced with something brighter - relief.
"It's gonna be okay, Levi," he murmured.
"Yeah," breathed the artist as he dropped his arm and let the sleeve of Eren's hoodie slide back down to conceal his hand.
"Come on," the teen coaxed. "You should probably get ready before Alex gets here."
Levi stood and followed the brunet back across into his room. His body was entirely too fatigued and his mind was filled with the thoughts of the decision he'd made only twenty minutes earlier.
"Do you have a suitcase or something?" Eren asked, eyes scouring the room for something of the sort.
"Closet," murmured the raven, sitting once more.
Eren wandered to the closet that probably hadn't been opened in months. When he twisted the knob and pulled it open, he was greeted by a cloud of dust and the smell of must. Waving his hand in front of his face, he reached in and pulled out the only thing inside - a small navy blue duffel bag. Shutting the closet once more, he moved in front of the dresser and sat, looking back at Levi who seemed to be staring off into space, face twisted up into an anxious expression.
"You probably don't want me packing your whole bag on my own..." Eren murmured to break him out of it.
"Right..."
Levi slid onto the floor and began pulling clothes at random from the drawers. He didn't mind much what he ended up grabbing, or what Eren saw as he shakily shuffled through everything, such as his underwear, old shreds of paper with phone numbers or other kinds of notes on them, a box of tattoo needles, old packages of condoms and a half empty bottle of expired lubricant, a shredded pair of headphones that brought back a vivid memory, among other things, all he'd long since forgotten about. He didn't pay much mind of the organization of the bag, either, but focused on fitting in everything he'd grabbed. His thoughts were much too preoccupied to care as another part of him would have.
"I'll go grab stuff from the bathroom," Eren offered as he stood. The raven didn't stop him as he exited the room. He could hear as Eren shuffled through the cabinets before coming back with his arms full of items such as deodorant, toothpaste, his toothbrush, et cetera. Without sparing Levi another glance, he knelt back down and worked on putting the items into one of the smaller front pockets of the duffel bag.
Levi didn't really think as he reached up and gently brushed that clump of hair from in front of Eren's left eye away, murmuring his name. The teen's head snapped up in surprise.
"Eren...I'm sorry...for putting you through all of this." Levi's serene eyes reflected his words as they gazed directly into Eren's.
"It's okay, Levi," Eren murmured, lacing his fingers through Levi's as a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, sending Levi's heart flying. "You can't imagine how relieved I am now that you've finally made this decision." Eren crossed his legs. His gaze, genuinely personifying his spoken words, never broke from Levi's, who found it wasn't that he couldn't be the one to break the gaze, but had no desire to. "I've been scared...no, terrified actually, since I got here. I've been watching you deteriorate day after day, losing so much weight and getting paler and paler...and losing blood." The grimness was back. "I was scared every time you closed your eyes to sleep because I thought maybe I'd never see them open again. I was scared every time you would cough or throw up or didn't eat because I don't know what it might be doing to your insides. Scared when you had those flashbacks or nightmares because I know they hurt you emotionally and I never know how to help..." He blinked back tears. "I was terrified every time you went in that bathroom...'cause I thought maybe you'd fill the syringe just a little too much...or something..." He brushed his free hand across his face as if to compose himself. "I was afraid...that you wouldn't make the decision before it was too late. Although I had faith you would, or you would somehow miraculously get better on your own...I had my doubts, too." Eren internally shook himself and gradually, his smile returned. "I don't know what made you change your mind, but you did and I'm so, so glad. Now I'm certain you're gonna be okay. I was right about the fight in you. I'm happy that you can see it now, too."
"It's only because you've given me something to fight for..." Levi found himself murmuring, pressing his palm closer to Eren's, whose absolutely dazzling smile spread wider.
"I guess that was my purpose this whole time," he said. "And finally..."
Second time that night that word passed his lips, Levi noticed, and for the same reason. The minute he uttered those words, 'I'm ready, Eren', his eyes had brightened up and he'd breathed that word, 'Finally...' before his lips, cool in comparison to Levi's still feverish skin, pressed to his forehead in a relieved, subtly affectionate kiss. It made Levi feel very small, yet somehow loved, something that was very, very foreign to him. And he'd loved it, reveled in it for a short minute before Eren announced that he was going to call Alex.
Levi had no idea what he'd done to deserve the love of someone like Eren Jaeger - the purest, most tenacious and ambitious soul he'd ever come across, nor did he understand how his own tattered soul was still capable of loving Eren in return. Ever so slowly, he was learning not to question it. Learning that maybe he didn't really need a reason, that maybe he really was supposed to survive the shitstorm that was his life.
Eren was more than just a bratty teenager who'd walked into the shop on a whim several months ago. More than a college student who still had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. More than a kid who cared for his mom more than anyone. More than someone who dealt with depression or drug abuse in his family. He was becoming Levi's entire world, sitting just a few feet away with a dopey grin on that beautiful face of his. He was the sole reason Levi had an inkling that perhaps life was worth it, that perhaps things could get better. The sole reason that one tiny part of him that went against everything else he knew and felt he stood for won the battle; the reason he decided to get the professional help he needed, terrified as he may be.
The sharp sound of a zipper broke the raven from his thoughts and a sudden shiver went down his spine just as Eren's ears picked up the faint clicking of a lock from down the hall. Gently rubbing Levi's quivering hands between his, he murmured, "Alex is here."
Levi's flinch was visible and his eyes widened as they darted toward the bedroom door. That information alone had his anxiety level shooting up and his fingers involuntarily clamped around Eren's hand.
The raven hadn't seen his sister since she was informed of his condition nearly a month ago, and that hadn't ended well. It was no surprise he was nervous to face her, no surprise that he thought she resented him with the way his mind worked.
"Let's get this over with," he mumbled, letting Eren help him to his feet.
"It's fine," Eren promised. "She doesn't hate you."
"Whatever you say..."
Eren wrapped his warm fingers securely around Levi's and led him into the hallway just as Alex stepped into the apartment and shut the door behind her. Even from down the hall, she appeared incredibly un-Alex-like. She wasn't wearing makeup, her hair was flat, and she wore nothing but sweatpants and a gray hoodie. She had been asleep when Eren called her; her appearance only proved her fatigue.
"Hey, Alex," Eren greeted with a semi-forced smile.
"Hey," she greeted tiredly, starting toward them.
It was at that moment when Levi pulled his hand from Eren's grip and stumbled into the bathroom.
"Wha...?" Eren mumbled, turning to see what was happening. He gripped at his stomach and fell to his knees in front of the toilet, fumbling to open it before he puked all over the floor.
Alex stopped dead in her tracks as she watched this go down, Eren disappearing beyond the threshold in an instant behind her younger brother. She was frozen in place, that god-awful retching and puking all too auditory in the otherwise silent apartment. Just hearing that terrible sound had her own stomach churning and heart racing.
He was in so much pain...pain unimaginable to her. She remembered, vividly, the last time she saw him - curled comfortably up against Eren's side and sound asleep - and how much he'd deteriorated between the night Eren showed up with him and then. That alone had been a substantial degeneration. She knew he'd worsened between then and now. She could practically feel the near death in the air, and she had yet to lay even an eye on him. Judging by the sounds haunting her ears from down the hall, she could tell he'd made this decision just in time.
"Alex?" Eren asked, poking his head out.
"Y-yes?"
"Do me a favor and grab a water bottle from the bottom shelf of the fridge?"
"Sure..." She glided into the kitchen and retrieved the item before tossing it down the hall to the waiting brunet, who thanked her and disappeared back inside the bathroom.
Part of her wanted to go down there, wanted to see what the scene in there looked like, how bad it really was or if her imagination was blowing it out of proportion. Her better sense kept her where she stood, at the end of the hallway near her own bedroom door, hands hidden away in her pockets, fingers absently fidgeting with her car keys. That sense said showing her face to her unstable brother before he was ready would only serve to make things worse for him. She had a strong inkling that he thought she resented him. She could still clearly remember their last conversation before he'd slammed his door, not allowing for further debate.
"It's heroin, Alex. I'm addicted to heroin, alright? I know. I'm fucked up. You don't have to tell me. And you have every right to hate me for...whatever reason."
"I don't hate you."
"Why? You should."
He'd proceeded to tell her he hasn't been fine in a long, long time and to fuck off. Looking back and reflecting over the past several weeks, the signs became much clearer to her. She should've noticed them. Should've acted on it. Should've done something sooner...before he deteriorated so much. The regret and guilt in her soul ran deep, and no matter how many times Reiner told her it wasn't her fault, wasn't her fault, wasn't her fault, she still believed it partially was.
"I should've seen it, Reiner. I should've opened my fucking eyes and looked at him. Maybe I could've helped him. I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years. Maybe I saw it and just denied it...or was too distracted...but now he's..." She wasn't able to finish her sentence, but the warm, loving hands of her fiance rubbing her shoulders helped calm her.
"It isn't your fault, baby," he told her. "He's damn smart and hid it really well. Even I didn't see this coming."
"But he's my little brother. I've tried so hard to protect him...but I realize now I've just abandoned him. I could've prevented this...but I was blind."
"I don't mean to sound like a dick, but he had to choose this path by his own free will. If he was dead set on it, there's no way you could've talked him out of it, like it or not. Don't blame yourself."
Reiner had been right, of course. Levi had chosen his fate, and now he was dealing with the consequences of that decision. As true as Alex knew this was, she couldn't bring herself to stop feeling at least a little guilty. She wanted to help him, because even if he chose to become a junkie, it wasn't because he thought it was cool or to follow the crowd - that wasn't something he ever cared about. It was because he was trying to escape something. She knew he had plenty of painful memories and experiences he wanted to run away from...and those were by no means his fault.
She was there to prove to her brother that she held no resentment for him. She was worried, wanted to help, not to give him a lecture or blame him or make him feel worse than he surely already did. She would just have to take it a step at a time in trying to regain his trust.
At that point, Eren reemerged from the bathroom, the sickly looking raven following with the back of one hand pressed to his mouth, the other still resting on his now completely hollow stomach. His eyes remained downcast; Alex didn't miss how terribly close he stayed to Eren, nor how much he shook.
"Sorry about that," said Eren with a rueful grin.
The woman merely shook her head. She couldn't take her eyes off of her brother...or, rather, what was left of him. He'd somehow lost even more weight than the last time she laid eyes on him. His eyes remained rimmed in grayish red, the rest of his skin bearing a much lighter version of that gray, clinging to his bones. His breathing was audible - raspy and clearly labored. He wore a hoodie that totally engulfed him, reaching halfway down his thighs, which were also so skinny Alex was sure she could wrap her hands around one and have her fingers overlap.
There was no fathoming in her mind how he was still alive.
"I'm gonna grab your stuff real quick," Eren murmured to the raven, who shot him a glance only he really understood and replied with a look of his own before stepping into Levi's room.
"Hey, baby bro," Alex said quietly with a forced smirk as he shuffled down the hall.
That familiar scowl took over his features as he lowered his hand. "Don't call me that," he muttered. His voice was as raspy as his breathing, but he still held his familiar Levi demeanor. Hope lit up Alex's heart and she chuckled.
"You're delightful as ever."
"Tch."
He went for his shoes next to the door, not so carefully stuffing his feet into them.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Do you really have to ask me that?"
"I want to know."
He huffed and leaned against the arm of the couch, lifting his shaking fingers to run through his stringy hair. He still hadn't met her eyes.
"Like the epitome of hell," he said finally. "And I'm sure you're peachy as ever..."
"I'm alright," she answered, mildly surprised.
He was still her brother. Still the semi-monotonous, anti-social, tattoo artist she knew and loved. Still, she could feel the uneasiness radiating from his demeanor; whether it was because of her or because of the choice he made, she didn't know.
Soon after Eren reemerged with Levi's things and readied his own belongings, they departed. The raven's heart was a relentlessly thudding thing in his chest with his nerves standing on end, the only means of calm being the bright eyed teenager he so adored by his side.