Chapter Text
Hanbin had exactly three brain cells left after the news dropped. Three. And all of them were currently being suffocated by the way Hao had starfished on top of him like a clingy, emotionally-destructive koala.
The blanket was warm. Hao was warm. It all felt right.
“There's only one option left,” Hao declared, dramatically, like a man who had spent the past hour plotting revenge instead of drooling into Hanbin’s shirt.
Okay…maybe not all of it felt right.
Hanbin patted his back the way you pat a friend after they say something deeply concerning. “And that would be what, exactly, my love?”
Yes, use endearing terms; that’s how you settle them.
Hao lifted his head. His hair stuck out in seven different directions, like he’d been electrocuted. His eyes gleamed with the deranged determination of someone who watches crime documentaries for fun and calls it “research.”
“We burn the building down.”
Hanbin blinked. Slowly. Then faster. Then not at all. “What?!”
“What?” Hao blinked back, genuinely confused. “Is it not a good idea?”
“No! It’s not!” Hanbin squeaked, sounding like someone had stepped on a stressed balloon. “We could go to jail!”
“So jail is the only thing stopping us?” Hao sat up fully, gripping Hanbin’s face between both hands like he was explaining something very simple to a very stupid toddler. “Hanbin. Look at me.”
“I am looking at you—”
“No one will think it was us,” Hao said gently, like he was suggesting something very normal.
He wasn’t, by the way.
“What do you mean, ‘no one will think it was us’? We work here!”
Hao shrugged, expression way too relaxed for the words coming out of his mouth. “Exactly. Why would we burn down our own building? That’s just stupid.” He held eye contact with the intensity of a man trying to telepathically force a decision.
“Hao, that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do—”
“Hanbin,” Hao said, voice dropping in offense. His bottom lip jutted out and Hanbin nearly folded instantly. “When have I ever been wrong?”
Hanbin opened and closed his mouth like a distressed goldfish trying to form a sentence. This was definitely a trick question. Hanbin did not like Hoas's trick questions. He treaded lightly.
“...You suggested replacing the rice cooker with a ‘passion ritual pot’ because it ‘felt more romantic.’”
“It did. And it was.”
“You tried to glue a paper mustache on me while I was sleeping. Said it made me look like an origami painting. I still don’t know what that means.”
“That was for art. And, you did look like an origami painting.”
“You once told me to ‘trust you’ and then threw me off a sled.”
“You screamed in joy. And then asked me to do it again. Don’t rewrite history.”
Hanbin covered his face. “Hao. No.”
Hao sighed dramatically—Oscar-worthy—then collapsed on top of him again like a weighted blanket filled with opinions and planned crimes.
Silence fell.
A dangerous kind of silence.
Then—
“No. Listen. Hanbinie, actually think about it,” Hao said, sitting up like he had just solved time travel — hands waving around erratically — “We make it look like an accident.” He paused to think. “A suspicious electrical accident,” he clarified, pacing the room like a mad man.
“That is still arson—?!”
“We have candles,” Hao said, ticking it off on his fingers. Completely disregarding Hanbin's concerns. “We have incense. We have that stupid cat humidifier thing Gyuvin bought—”
“I knew that thing would bring only bad things! The cat is green,” Hanbin turned to stare at the cat humidifier with disgust and a taint of hatred.
“See? It’s perfect! The narrative writes itself.”
“That’s not how the law works—”
“We’ll even have an alibi,” Hao announced proudly. “We’ll be here. In bed. Like normal.” He paused. Slowly. Suspiciously. “Unless… you’re saying we don’t cuddle normally?”
“Hao, stop— you’re being manipulative! That isn’t even the point!”
“Actually,” Hao said, turning around with the cold precision of a villain in the third act, “it IS the point. Our cuddle schedule is extremely consistent. Scientifically so. We have photo evidence from three days ago. The fans will believe us.”
Silence.
Then Hanbin took a deep breath.
“Hao… are you saying we should commit arson to protest a two-month contract extension?”
Hao crossed his arms dramatically. “I’m saying we should commit justice.”
Hanbin facepalmed so hard he unlocked a new dimension.
“Oh my god. You’re actually insane.”
“You love me,” Hao shot back instantly.
“That’s not relevant—”
“It’s very relevant,” Hao pressed, crawling back onto the bed like a feral cat demanding attention. “Because if we burn the building down…” He paused. For effect.
“…we burn it together.”
Hanbin froze. “...Is this a proposal?”
Hao blinked. “I mean, not officially, but if the shoe fits—”
“No. No, no, no,” Hanbin groaned, dragging a pillow over his face. “As romantic as that sounds, we are not committing arson together.”
“So you don’t want to get married?” Hao gasped like he had just discovered he’d been lied to about who his mother was for the past 22 years of his life. He flung himself forward and onto the bed.
Hanbin stared, unimpressed. “Hao. seriously.”
Hao flopped onto his chest again—this time harder—like a fat housecat declaring emotional bankruptcy. “FINE. Whatever. I guess we’ll just suffer. In this unjust world.”
Hanbin exhaled like a man who regretted every decision that led him here. “Is this really what you want? To burn down the building together?”
“Hanbin! Of course not!” Hao scoffed, offended — as if those weren’t the words he had said less than a minute ago. “I’m not actually insane. I say we make Taerae do it.”
Hanbin realized then, with terrible clarity, that love was a disease.
A beautiful, unhinged, Areson-themed, criminally-inclined disease.
And he was terminally ill with it.
He sighed. “Fine. Arson it is.”
Chapter 2: We are all felons.
Summary:
fuck wakeone, fuck Yuehua, fuck solo stans.
Chapter Text
Hao was in the bathroom, hair still damp, the whole place foggy with steam and the comforting smell of Hanbin’s shampoo and body wash — woody and earthy, the expensive kind that anyone other than Hao would get scolded for using. He had just wrapped a towel around his shoulders when he heard the dorm door open with more force than necessary.
Hanbin had entered. And was certainly upset.
You could always tell when Hanbin was upset. His footsteps had a certain tempo—like a distressed pigeon marching with purpose.
“Hyung, are you almost done in the bathroom?” Hanbin’s voice cracked like cheap glass, not the sound of sadness but the sound of frustration bleeding through. “I need a hug and someone to stop me from committing arson.”
Hao froze with the hairdryer in his hand, only a couple of steps from entering their (Hanbin's room but Hao says, “our room.” he sleeps in there most nights, anyway) room.
There was a pause.
“Actually,” Hanbin continued, “I'm going to commit arson no matter what. But I still want that hug.”
Hao walked forward slowly, staring at the bathroom door like it was going to jump at him. “Hanbin, you… want to commit arson?”
“Yes,” Hanbin said brightly, sticking his head through the bathroom doorframe like a deranged meerkat. “We burn down Wakeone AND Yuehua.”
He even smiled. Innocently. Sweetly. Like he wasn’t actively confessing to a felony in 4K resolution.
Hao blinked, stunned. That was supposed to be his thing. Maybe he was rubbing off on the younger boy a little too much.
He felt pride swell in his chest like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes — except in this case, it was the heart of a man about to burn down two major entertainment buildings with his boyfriend.
“Okay,” Hao said, nodding thoughtfully like this was a scheduled meeting. “Give me ten minutes to get dressed.”
🏢🔥🧨
They gathered everyone in their dorm's living room that night. Just past 10:30, so that Yujin still got to bed on time.
Every member. Every witness (even Eumppappa), every future accomplice.
Gyuvin arrived with a giant bag of chips and one slipper on.
Taerae brought his guitar for reasons that would never be explained (Not once did he play it; it just sat on his lap in its case.)
Gunwook came holding a protein shake the size of a toddler. (Which would be passed around the group several times throughout their meeting.)
Jiwoong showed up in pajama pants and no shoes.
Ricky looked disturbingly calm, like he already knew what they were going to discuss.
Matthew was eating ice cream directly from the carton and had a notebook and pen ready to take notes (?).
Yujin was already Googling “how long does gasoline take to evaporate,” because he was eavesdropping on Hao and Hanbin's conversation.
Hanbin clapped his hands like a kindergarten teacher. “Everyone! We have called this emergency meeting to discuss justice.”
Everyone stared.
Yujin raised his hand. “Is Hao Hyung forcing you into making us clean your dorm again for bonding time? Because if so, it’s past my bedtime.”
“No, but I'll make sure to schedule another one of those bonding times.” Hao smiled, like a mother realizing she’s got all the power in the world because her kids are lowkey scared of her.
Gyuvin raised his hand. “Does this have anything to do with Hanbin yelling ‘THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY FOR THIS’ earlier?”
“Yes,” Hanbin said.
“No,” Hao said at the same time.
They looked at each other. Hao cleared his throat. “We’re burning down Wakeone.”
“What?” it rippled through the room as they processed the words.
“And Yuehua,” Hanbin added.
Jiwoong blinked slowly. “…Tonight?” He looked around like he was searching for an escape route.
“Yes,” Hao announced proudly.
Matthew paused his spoon mid-air. “Are you guys… okay?”
“No,” Ricky answered before anyone else could. “Obviously not. They’ve been insane since they met. It’s like they've planted a minute version of themself in each other's minds. But continue.”
Hanbin pointed at Hao like an assistant introducing the CEO of Crime. “Hao will be presenting the plan.”
Hao stepped forward, eyes filled with a terrifying glint of excitement, flipping open a notebook covered in stickers.
It was labeled: “Operation: Cleanse the Earth (Legally Blonde Edition).”
He cleared his throat. “So. As you all know, Wakeone sucks ass.”
General nodding. A few applause. “The contract extension is stupid. And Yuehua is a greedy, selfish, no-good, rotten company as well. We all know why.”
More nodding.
“We have been left with no choice.”
Everyone braced themselves.
“We commit arson,” Hao says it with a confidence that almost makes it sound reasonable.
Gunwook choked on his protein shake. “WHAT?!”
Matthew dropped his ice cream. “Hao, you’re… you’re joking, right?”
“No,” Hao proudly, with his notebook in hand, puffs out his chest. “We’re doing this.”
Yujin looked weirdly intrigued, the same glint in his eyes as Hao. like mother like son. “Like… tonight and for real?”
“No and Yes,” Hanbin stepped forward and placed a hand on Yujin's shoulder, “ Not tonight, It’s past your bedtime. But tomorrow morning, you are a man, Yujinie. You are a man.”
Ricky raised his hand politely. “Before I agree or disagree — do I look good in orange? Like… prison orange?”
“I think so,” Hao, studying Ricky thoughtfully, replies genuinely after careful consideration.
“Then I’m in,” Ricky nodded.
Gyuvin stood up suddenly. “Wait. If we burn the buildings, does that mean no more monthly evaluations?”
Everyone froze. The room grew still.
Hanbin whispered, “No evaluation… ever again.”
Gyuvin slammed his fist on the table. “I AM. SO. IN.”
And honestly, that was it. If Ricky was willing to do something, the others really didn’t have an excuse not to.
The fate of two buildings was sealed by Gyuvin’s hatred of extra rehearsals and Ricky's acceptance of looking good in prison orange.
🏢🔥🧨
Hanbin and Hao stood shoulder to shoulder in front of a badly drawn whiteboard diagram. They had moved to Gunwook's room because he had a 4-foot-long whiteboard in there for some reason.
The writing on it looked like a raccoon had sketched it while drunk. Hao was not drunk; he was just excited. He pointed with a marker. “We split into two teams.”
Group A
- Hao (match-thrower & The beautiful face and brains)
- Hanbin (getaway driver & emotional support, and other beautiful face).
- Ricky (gasoline distributor)
- Yujin (gasoline assistant)
- Gyuvin (fire alarm technician??)
Group B
- Taerae (match-thrower)
- Gunwook (gasoline distributor)
- Matthew (gasoline buddy)
- Jiwoong (fire alarm puller and liable guardian of group B)
Taerae raised his hand. “Why am I the one throwing the match?”
“Because,” Hao replied without hesitation, “you’ll do it with the least guilt and the most dramatic flair. You have sparkle.”
Taerae nodded. “Fair.”
Jiwoong sighed. “Can we at least TRY not to get caught?”
Hao waved a hand. “Don’t worry. The Yuehua fire will distract everyone.”
“I’m sorry?” Jiwoong blinked. “We’re actually doing this??”
Gunwook turned to him gently. Like he was talking to a toddler, “Hyung… have you not been paying attention?”
Jiwoong froze. “…You guys weren’t joking?”
“No,” everyone said in eerie unison.
“Why would I make everyone come here if I were joking? I’m a very serious person.” This was Hanbin, his hair slightly messed up from running his hand through it, looking slightly crazed.
Jiwoong looked directly into the camera that wasn’t there, like he was in The Office.
🏢🔥🧨
It was 7:24 a.m. the next morning.
Cold. Quiet. Suspiciously foggy, like nature itself was enabling them.
Group B got into Matthew’s questionably parked car first.
Taerae saluted the others. “We will meet you at Battlefield Two.”
“Be safe,” Hanbin called, giving each of them a pat on the head.
“And remember,” Hao added, “don’t set yourselves on fire— set the building on fire.”
Matthew honked once randomly, for no reason other than — there was no reason actually, then drove off like a man who had never taken a driving test.
🏢🔥🧨
Group B arrived behind Yuehua, parking in a dark corner where only feral cats usually hung out.
Gunwook opened the trunk, revealing two canisters of gasoline.
Matthew whispered, “This feels illegal.”
Jiwoong whispered back, “It is illegal.”
Taerae held the matchbox like it was a precious treasure. “If this is being recorded by cameras, it’s going to make for some badass edits.”
🏢🔥🧨
Jiwoong cracked his knuckles dramatically. “You guys ready?”
“No,” Matthew whispered. “Are you?”
“Absolutely not.”
Gunwook pushed Jiwoong toward the door. “Go!”
Jiwoong sighed, then turned and dashed inside, activated ALL the fire alarms, and ran back out so fast he nearly whipped out on the carpet at the entrance.
Sirens blared.
The cats scattered.
Matthew screamed for no reason.
It was perfect.
🏢🔥🧨
Gunwook and Matthew sprinted into the building, splashing gasoline like they were painting abstract art. It was art.
“NOT THE ELEVATOR, MATTHEW—!”
“IT LOOKED FLAMMABLE!”
“It’s literally metal—”
“Metal can get warm!!”
🏢🔥🧨
Taerae stepped forward like a man chosen by destiny.
The wind blew dramatically. His hair fluttered. He spun around three times for effect. Danced to Super Lady, and then he lit the match. He tossed it.
Nothing happened. Everyone stared.
“…Did you miss?” Jiwoong asked gently.
Taerae lit ANOTHER match. And they all (stupidly) stepped a little closer.
He threw it again.
The gasoline burst into flames so aggressively that Gunwook’s eyebrows smoked a little.
Taerae whispered, with so much enthusiasm it almost surprised himself, “Nice.”
🏢🔥🧨
The moment Group B’s car pulled away, they called Group A.
“It’s done,” Taerae reported calmly, as if telling them he bought milk.
“Good work,” Hao said proudly. “Now get over here. It’s our turn.”
🏢🔥🧨
Hanbin pulled up with Group A like he was in a mafia movie. They all had a pair of sunglasses on, and somehow, all had leather jackets.
Hao stepped out wearing gloves, a scarf, and the aura of a man about to commit something at least mildly unethical. Only mildly, though.
Ricky stretched like he was preparing for pilates. He was a cat after.
Yujin cracked his knuckles and then Hanbin scolded him on why he shouldn’t be doing that.
Gyuvin forgot his shoes.
🏢🔥🧨
“Hao,” Hanbin whispered, “I don’t trust Gyuvin to do this.”
Hao shrugged. “He’s the only one excited enough to make it convincing.”
Gyuvin saluted, standing tall and proud. “I was born for this.” He stormed inside, found the nearest alarm, and yanked it so hard it almost came out of the wall yelling “FIRE, EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.”
He came running back with a victorious smirk. “Mission one complete!”
“Gyuvin,” Ricky asked, “why were you running like Naruto?”
“It makes me faster.”
“Scientifically true, I think,” Yujin agreed.
🏢🔥🧨
Ricky and Yujin moved with terrifying synchronization. Like they somehow had been training for this for years (They have.) Ricky poured gasoline calmly like he’d done this before. (He has)
Yujin poured it while narrating dramatically like a nature documentary host.
“And now we see the gasoline flowing… beautifully… elegantly…like a predator planting its trap and waiting for its prey—”
“Yujin, please,” Ricky sighed.
🏢🔥🧨
This time, it was Hao’s turn.
He stepped forward slowly, dramatically, his phone playing ‘Baddie’ by Ive. His theme song.
Hanbin whispered, concerned and maybe a little too excited to see Hao so determined, but still concerned, “Hao… please be careful.”
Hao smiled. “I was born to do this.”
“No you weren’t—”
“Yes I was.”
“You’re right— sorry,”
He lit the match. The flame reflected perfectly in his eyes — fiery, chaotic, beautiful, dangerous.
He threw it. Whoosh.
The fire erupted instantly, bright and loud, like it had been WAITING for them.
Gyuvin screamed. Yujin screamed. Ricky nodded proudly.
Hanbin shrieked in three different octaves, grabbing and pulling Hao back even though Hao was nowhere near the fire.
Hao whispered, “Gorgeous.”
🏢🔥🧨
Both cars met on the outskirts of the city. Everyone was breathing heavily, even though they just sat in the car for thirty minutes.
Gyuvin and Matthew were both somehow covered in soot (?).
Hanbin was hyperaware that they were horrible, horrible people. “Is everyone alive?” Hanbin, the mother in him, erupts suddenly.
Matthew raised a thumbs-up. Jiwoong looked like he had aged five years. Ricky looked bored.
Taerae was humming a song while kicking rocks towards Yujin's feet. Gunwook was googling “can eyebrows grow back.”
Gyuvin asked, “What company should we do next?”
They returned home at 3:12 p.m.
Exhausted. Traumatized. Weirdly bonded and very hungry.
Matthew opened the freezer. “So… vanilla? Chocolate? Strawberry?”
“Rocky road,” Hanbin said.
“We literally lived a rocky road today,” Jiwoong laughed, sounding too much like he was actually older and recalling a distant event.
Hao curled into Hanbin’s side on the couch with his ice cream bowl. “See? I told you justice was the answer.”
Hanbin looked at him, tired, a small smile forming.
“You’re psychotic.”
“You love me.”
“God help me… I really do.”
“You guys are so gross.” Yujin blurted out, throwing a pillow at them.
And as the TV played reruns of random reality shows, and half the members fell asleep sitting upright, they all knew—
If the world ended tomorrow…
It would somehow be their fault.
The end.
They all lived happily ever after, and they became the most famous and appreciated group ever to exist. Haobin got married and had three daughters, Ricky started his own company, and was the best CEO ever. Yujin got to do whatever he wanted. Matthew and Taerae started diva classes at Ricky's company. Gunwook's eyebrows grew back, and he got super buff. Gyuvin found his shoes and finally asked Ricky out. Jiwoong got his very well-deserved vacation and starred in the most popular show in the world, and won 100 Oscar awards for it.