Chapter Text
Chapter 1 - December 23rd
“Sorry, did you just say you have four brothers?”
Eloise fought to keep the mountain of present in her arms upright, ignoring Phillip, her mother’s obnoxiously oversized wreath and yet another scream from the other side of Aubrey Hall’s front door, “Greg doesn’t count.”
“Four,” Phillip repeated, to himself.
“Do you and Colin talk about literally anything but his travels?”
“Sure, but when he said my brother I didn’t realise it was a rotating cast.”
“Well Colin already knows this is a ruse. Benedict will be high, Anthony focused on Kate. We go in, convince everyone I’m happily dating and in no need of matchmaking efforts, then break up just before Easter.”
“Amicably,” Phillip reminded, envisioning four Colins.
“Amicably.” Eloise agreed, “What time do we need to go to your family on Christmas?”
“Noon.”
“Fab,” Eloise heard the sound of approaching footsteps, “Remember, we met at Colin’s birthday and you slid into my dms.”
“First date was coffee and a bookstore.” Phillip parroted, having been reminded, more than once. “Are you sure you want me to be here? You can just say-“
The door swung open, “Why are you standing on the doorstep like a commoner? You’ll never guess-“ Hyacinth’s eyes landed on Phillip, “You brought a guest?” Hyacinth was unable to keep the unabashed delight out of her voice. “Home? To us?”
“Yes. This is my…” Eloise glanced at Phillip, “Partner.”
“Is that a weird Eloise way of saying you’re getting some?” Hyacinth demanded, her eyes still glued to Phillip.
A present slid slightly to the left, making Eloise’s hold on the stack even more tenuous, “Yes.”
“Mum!” Phillip flinched at Hyacinth’s volume. “Daphne! Anthony! Ben! Eloise brought a boy to Christmas!”
“Man,” Eloise muttered as Daphne came flying out the drawing room, Greg hot on her heels, Anthony materialising from the office.
Daphne took in Phillip and his expensive coat, “Holy shit.”
Phillip waved, reluctantly, hidden behind Eloise and her mound of gifts, “Phillip Crane.”
“Wait, Colin’s friend?” Hyacinth’s attention whipped back to Eloise, “Colin didn’t tell us he looked like that.”
“Colin didn’t tell us anything at all,” Anthony commented, sounding less than pleased. Greg crossed his arms, possibly in an attempt to look stern but he mostly just looked cold. “Is he staying?”
Eloise tried, and failed, to squeeze past her siblings, “For Christmas.”
“Does Mum know?” Daphne asked, staring at Phillip like he was some kind of oddity, before catching herself. “Not that you’re not welcome. You are. Any friend of Eloise is…are you a friend?”
“I’m a-“ Phillip looked to Eloise.
“My boyfriend.” Eloise informed, forcefully, determined to see it through even as Hyacinth let out a theatrical gasp, “Don’t be stupid. I can have a boyfriend.”
Anthony grunted in a way that bordered on disagreement.
Hyacinth tilted her head, studying her sister, “Forgive us for being surprised when the girl who said, and I quote, I don’t need a boyfriend I don’t want a boyfriend stop setting me up I hate them all brings home a boyfriend.” Phillip let out a chuckle that died when he caught sight of Eloise’s glare. “How long have you been together?”
“Five and a half months,” Eloise and Phillip chimed, together.
“Months?” Daphne echoed, aghast. “That’s months.”
“Yes Daphne, that is how time works.” Eloise replied, growing increasingly sweaty. “Can you get out the fucking way? These are really heavy.”
“Why isn’t Phillip carrying them?” Anthony accused, doing nothing to help.
“She wouldn’t let me.”
Hyacinth nodded sagely, “She does that. Best to let her suffer under the weight of her own bad decisions.”
“I am capable of carrying just as much as a man,” Eloise informed, albeit with shaking arms. “And I resent the implication that challenging gender norms is bad.”
Hyacinth turned to Phillip, “Does she lecture you in bed too?”
“Hyacinth,” Anthony warned sharply.
“Although you could be into that,” Hyacinth supposed, unconcerned.
Daphne, sensing the potential for yet another front porch brawl, wrapped an arm around Hyacinth, guiding her out of the way, “Do come in. Everyone is so excited to see you.” Daphne’s gaze lingered on Phillip as he stepped into Aubrey Hall, “And your plus one.”
“Gloucestershire.” Phillip explained, for what felt like the tenth time to Kate, lounging on the sofa beside him. It had been a whirlwind of introductions, more children than he could count, and although Eloise had done her best to stay at his side her mother had dragged her off to discuss seating arrangements leaving him in a room full of Bridgertons.
“Ignore them,” Kate advised, well aware of how Phillip’s gaze kept drifting to where Anthony was looming by the fire. Ben was at his side, eating chestnuts in a vaguely menacing way, while Greg popped up now and again to ask Phillip strange questions, like had he seen Eloise shoot. Phillip was unsure what she was supposed to be shooting or why this clearly mattered, so he went with no. “They’re putting on a show, but it’s only because they want Eloise to be happy.”
“Right,” Phillip said, not even slightly convinced.
“Have you read Eloise’s thesis?”
“Yes,” Phillip answered confidently, because he had, locating a copy in the University of Cambridge database. “It was well defended.”
Kate glanced at the kitchen, “She’s one of the brightest people I know. Always thinking. Always making a plan.” Kate turned back to Phillip, “She’s never brought someone home before.”
“She said.”
Kate held Phillip’s gaze, “Makes me wonder why.”
Phillip opened his mouth, trying to find some way to respond, when Colin threw himself between them, “If it isn’t favourite sister-in-law.” Colin turned to Phillip, a gleam in his eye, “Talking to my favourite brother-in-law.” Colin was having the time of his life playing along with Eloise and Phillip’s story. He had embellished several details, including a rainy fist fight on a roof when he had caught Phillip in bed with his little sister, “How goes the interrogation?”
“Passed,” Kate declared, instinctively lifting a vase from Ned’s hands as he ran past, “For now.”
“Congrats,” Colin said to Phillip, “Kate is an excellent judge of character.“
“You still need to meet my dog.”
Phillip laughed, nervously, unclear on whether it was a joke. “What breed?”
Kate reached for her drink, finding it unsatisfyingly empty, “Corgi.”
“I have a Spaniel,” Kate turned in surprise, “Bessie.” Phillip offered, uncomfortable with her sudden scrutiny.
“Sleeps at Eloise’s feet every night.” Colin added. “Their baby. Eloise bought her a fuck the pawriarchy shirt.”
“Did she?” Kate replied in a way that wasn't a question.
“Yes,” Phillip answered anyway.
“Excuse me,” Kate got to her feet abruptly. “I need to check on the children.” Phillip and Colin watched her cross the room and strike up a conversation with Anthony and Ben.
“Stop making up stories.” Phillip hissed as soon she was out of hearing range, “It makes it harder to keep track of what I need to tell Eloise.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Colin asked. “You’re both taking this far too seriously. Worst case, you get found out and Eloise explains she got fed up with mum’s meddling.”
“Worst case is your brothers punch me.”
“They won’t,” Colin assured with a dismissive wave, “Simon was a misunderstanding.” Philip blinked but Colin had already moved on to a bowl on the table in front of them, “And they’d only do something like that if you mistreated Eloise, and you can’t because you’re not actually dating her. Which thank god, can you imagine if this was real?” Colin popped a chocolate in his mouth, “You and my sister. What a horrible thought.”
Phillip said nothing, glancing at the door, counting down the seconds until Eloise got back.
“How does Phillip feel about fish?”
“How am I supposed to know?”
Violet sighed, in the disappointed way she did so well, “Well has he eaten it?”
“Yes?” Eloise said, annoyed. “Probably. I don’t pay attention to what he eats.”
“What do you pay attention to?” Daphne asked, perched on a stool, delighting in the spectacle unfolding in front of her.
Eloise shot her sister a look, “My chosen field of study.”
“Perhaps chicken is the safer option,” Violet worried her lip as she consulted the menu the chef had prepared, “If we went with a seafood starter we could offer a red meat tomorrow?”
Eloise groaned, “What does it matter? Phillip can eat it or not eat it. He is an adult, he will decide for himself.”
Violet lifted her eyes from the menu, “I will not starve a guest.”
“You’re not starving him,” Eloise stated incredulously, “There are nine courses.” Violet said nothing, aggressively crossing off an item on her list. “You know what, I just remembered that Phillip loves fish. Every type, every kind. Please adjust the menu to his tastes.”
“Very well,” Violet said, striding towards a selection of wines laid out on the counter.
Eloise exchanged a look with Daphne, “I thought this was what you wanted? Me paired off with a man of good breeding stock?”
Violet cracked the top of the first bottle she found, “Six months Eloise. Not a word.”
“It’s new. I didn’t want to…”
“It’s not like she ran off with him.” Daphne finished, helpfully.
Violet poured out a generous serving of wine, then kept pouring, “It just would have been nice to have some notice. The hedges are in a state, and the East guest room is still being painted.”
Daphne rolled her eyes, “Honestly Mum, even you know Phillip will end up in Eloise’s bed no matter where you room him.”
“It’s the principle Daphne,” Violet said, finally relinquishing her hold on the wine bottle. “And Christmas is in two days. I don’t even have a gift for him.”
“Eloise is his gift.” Eloise kicked Daphne. Hard. “Obviously I meant your presence and seasonal merriment.”
“Don’t you have children to mother?”
“No,” Daphne said, beaming at her sister. “They’re Simon’s problem tonight.”
Eloise turned to her mother, “Can I go now? I hate to think of what moronic masculine stunt Anthony has pulled by now.”
“No gunshots.” Daphne commented dryly, “Yet.”
Violet sighed, lifting her glass, “You may go.”
Eloise hesitated, “Is there something wrong? With Phillip or…”
“Of course not,” Violet said, nose deep in her wine.
“Really sold that one Mum.” Daphne commented, seemingly oblivious to several thumps from the nursery above them.
“There is nothing wrong,” Violet assured, “He seems like a lovely boy.”
“Man.” Eloise corrected with a sigh.
”Man,” Violet conceded, “I am delighted darling. How could I not be? All I’ve ever wanted is for you to find someone.” Violet paused, “It just seems rather sudden. And very much like we don’t know him at all.”
“Well you don’t.” Eloise pointed out, “But I brought him here so you could. Get to know him, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.”
“Why Phillip?” Daphne asked curiously, “Why have you suddenly changed your mind about settling down with a good looking aristocrat? Why of all the unsatisfactory men in the world did this one make the cut?”
“He’s smart,” Eloise offered when it was clear she needed to provide an answer.
“Right,” Daphne said, getting up to help herself to the wine, “But there must be more than that.” She topped up Violet’s, shoved a second wine glass into Eloise’s hand then sat, expectantly.
“He’s…” Eloise glanced at the drawing room where Phillip was waiting, “Respectable?”
“Morrison was respectable and you told him to go to hell.” Daphne recalled as Violet took a hefty sip.
“Well,” Eloise said, stumped. “He’s very solid.”
“Solid.” Daphne repeated slowly, glancing at their mother. “Is that some kind of euphemism for-“
“No,” Eloise interrupted, quickly, “No, I meant strong. Steady. Elemental?”
Daphne raised an eyebrow.
Eloise jumped to her feet. “I don’t need to explain why I like him. I just do.”
“He isn’t going to stab me, is he?” Phillip whispered to Eloise, eying Anthony and his unlimited access to tableware.
“I’ll stab him right back,” Eloise declared, convincingly, leaning towards Phillip so John could lay out the next course.
“Hands off the sister!” Colin exclaimed from the other end of the table, far too pleased with himself and the faux protection he had been lavishing on Eloise all night.
Eloise flipped him off, misjudging the cover of a gravy boat. “The children Eloise,” Violet reprimanded, six courses into a typical family meal.
“Sorry Mum.”
“She’s not,” Colin complained, “But thankfully Phillip is here to show her the error in her ways.”
“You deserved it.” Phillip informed Colin, draping his arm over the back of Eloise’s chair.
Eloise smirked, picking up her fork, “Thanks sweetheart.” Daphne coughed, barely swallowing her wine in time.
“You should tell everyone about the weekend you spent together Bath, “Colin suggested, locking eyes with Eloise. “The romantic one.”
Eloise took a bite of potato, “It was nice.”
“Nice?” Colin proclaimed loudly, “You told me it was the most memorable experience of your life.”
Eloise looked up, and found the entire table staring back at her, “Phillip and I went to Bath.” Even three-year old Charlotte looked annoyed by the non-story. “And he bought me flowers.”
Phillip shifted, his chair bumping hers, “Geraniums.”
“Don’t forget about the tearful love confession.” Colin added, ripping into a dinner roll.
“You’re misremembering,” Eloise replied, well aware of the loaded look Daphne and Kate were trading. “Didn’t happen.”
“My mistake,” Colin held up his drink, signalling a toast. “To Lady Crane.”
This time it was Anthony who coughed, one bite into his salmon, “You married him?”
“No,” Eloise defended, glaring at Colin. “Why would I marry a man I just met?”
Violet reached for another drink as Kate smacked Anthony’s back in an attempt to return him to his usual colour.
“Because it’s romantic?” Greg tried, sinking into his chair when Eloise glared at him too. “Well it is.”
“There’s still time for a shotgun wedding.” Hyacinth suggested, suddenly in possession of an uncorked wine bottle, “Considering.”
“Not pregnant.” Eloise announced before a single comment could be made.
“Shame,” Hyacinth scowled when Violet removed the wine from her possession. “You would make cute babies.”
“Perhaps we should focus on our food,” Violet prompted, pointedly.
Eloise returned to her dinner, watching Phillip out of the corner of her eye, “What’s wrong?”
Phillip pushed another piece of salmon across his plate, “Nothing.” Eloise gave him a disbelieving look and Phillip dropped his fork with a resigned sigh, “I don’t like fish.”
“Great,” Eloise muttered, glancing at her mother, now deep in conversation with Kate, “I told her you like fish.”
“It’s okay, I will try to…” Phillip picked up his fork, looking rather pale.
“What are you two whispering about?” Hyacinth demanded, sipping on Daphne’s wine.
“Nothing.” Eloise muttered, trying to kick Hyacinth under the table.
“Give me that,” Daphne said, snatching her drink back. “And stop embarrassing Phillip. He’s not used to your antics.”
“Charm,” Hyacinth corrected with a grin.
“Personality disorder.” Eloise countered irritably.
“Is everything all right?” Violet asked, unable to continue pretending she didn’t notice the commotion.
“Fine,” Eloise assured, watching Phillip lift a bite of salmon towards his mouth. He attempted a smile, the fork hovering in front of him, but it was clear he was struggling.
Without thinking, Eloise leant forward, biting down, eating the salmon off his fork like he had been offering instead of fighting for basic survival. As she swallowed they made eye contact, the intimate gesture well beyond what she meant to do at the dinner table.
After a long pause, Eloise sat back, ignoring the deafening silence around the table, “You’re right, a little salty.”
“Mmm,” Phillip agreed, clearing his throat, his ears tinged pink.
“Well,” Violet said, then nothing more, accepting the top up Kate offered her way.
“This is worse than Simon and Daphne.” Hyacinth muttered to Gregory, loud enough for both her sisters to hear it.
“But still better than Anthony and Kate.” Gregory returned, not loud enough for Anthony to hear.
“Shall we move on to the next course?” Violet promoted, a decided strain in her voice.
“Lets,” Eloise said, taking off her sweater, suddenly way too hot, “Cheeses can’t come soon enough.”
“The one time I need him to be an overprotective prick.” Eloise muttered, unzipping her suitcase with far more force than was necessary.
Phillip sat full of Cheddar and dread, “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”
Eloise snorted, “It’s a love seat. You barely fit sitting. No, it’s fine, we can extend our fake courtship to a bed. Method acting.”
“That’s not-“ Phillip stopped, “I can sleep on the floor.”
“Phillip,” Eloise said, slamming her case shut, “We have a very important race tomorrow. I need you rested and ready.”
“Colin said it was a country walk?” Phillip asked in confusion.
“Colin is throwing you off your game.” Eloise warned, pulling off her shirt. Phillip spun away from the display. “I’m wearing a bra.” Eloise informed in amusement, “You won’t believe how hard it is to get in a bathroom on nights like this.”
”Right,” Phillip said, still not looking.
“You’re safe,” Eloise said, having pulled on a sleep shirt.
“Right,” Phillip repeated, slowly turning back.
Eloise climbed into her bed, pulling the corner of the blanket down on the left side, “Yours when you’re ready.” Phillip nodded, not moving. “Thank you for…” Eloise looked up, “Putting up with this. You’re an excellent pretend boyfriend.”
“You’re an excellent pretend girlfriend,” Phillip offered back.
”Go us,” Eloise said, picking up her book, “Goodnight.”