Chapter Text
Lexa’s life hadn’t turned out anything like she had planned, she remembered being told so many times as a child to follow her dreams, so she did, and now she wasn’t sure that she liked where her dreams had taken her. She’d joined a band in college, her sister and a few of her friends needed a new guitarist and singer. It was all supposed to be just a little bit of fun, something for Lexa to do in her spare time between her studies, but they were actually really good.
Not long into her second year at college a talent scout went along to one of their gigs, signing them up after their set. It hadn’t been the way that she had seen things going, but for the rest of the band it was everything they dreamed of. It had been something that Anya had dreamt of for as long as Lexa could remember, she’d even told Lexa when they were kids that she was going to be rich and famous one day, so Lexa had gone along with it.
Now, as the tour bus passed through yet another stretch of open country, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if she was following her dreams, or allowing others to live theirs. It had been three years since the band, Grounders, had been signed. They’d released three albums in those three years, during the first year they had done a tour of small venues around the US, picking up momentum and album sales as the gigs passed. After the release of the second album the venues for the tour were bigger, and included certain venues in Europe. When the third album came out things really exploded.
Lexa had wanted to take a break after the third album, just a few weeks where she could disappear. The others in the group seemed to love the limelight, they seemed to thrive as they had to fight their way through packs of photographers outside clubs they went to, Lexa hated it. She had found ways to escape, it started out with the odd joint during rehearsals with the band, that elevated to the odd line of cocaine before a gig, that soon elevated to dry heroin from time to time. More often than she would admit to anyone, though most people seemed to be completely blind to it. As long as she was on stage when she was supposed to be, nobody questioned anything.
It was the tour days when they were travelling which Lexa found hardest, her mind would wander, taking her back to times when she was actually happy and settled. She had left a lot behind when she left college, she left her friends and if she was being completely honest, she had left her heart. She’d been with Clarke since their sophomore year of high school, after Lexa had moved schools during junior year when her father got a new job.
Clarke had been nothing but encouraging when Lexa had joined the band, when Lexa had told her about the contract she had been happy for them, even though it meant that the two of them would be apart. They’d tried to do long distance for a few months, but when their phone conversations turned into constant arguments, they seemed to drift apart. Eventually it became quite clear to both of them that they would be better off apart. Lexa hadn’t wanted their relationship to end, she wanted to fight, but she also knew it wasn’t fair on Clarke as she was away a lot more often than she was home.
She hadn’t been home since her relationship with Clarke ended, even when they did get a few days off from touring, recording and press obligations. Anya had been home, but Lexa knew if she went back she would probably see the blonde, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Putting her headphones on, she rested her head against the back of the seat she had taken at the back of the tour bus, resting her legs on the table in front of her, she decided to watch the world pass by the window.
“Do you think she’s okay?” Echo asked, as she nudged Ontari and motioned to Lexa.
“She’s probably high.” Ontari mumbled.
“What did you just say?” Anya asked from where she was sitting across the aisle from the two.
“I was just saying she’s probably high.” Ontari said with a shrug, “I mean, come on, 99 times out of 100 she’s off her face.”
“That’s a bit harsh.” Echo said, looking at Ontari.
“Just saying it as I see it.” the other girl replied.
“The way I see it, if it wasn’t for her you’d still be playing in tiny little out of the way bars that nobody ever goes to,” Anya said, “watch your mouth, you can be replaced.”
“Whatever.” Ontari said, rolling her eyes.
Anya shook her head as she stood up and walked towards the back of the bus. Lexa didn’t even look at her as she sat down next to her.
“How you doing, kid?” Anya asked, nudging Lexa’s legs, causing the younger girl to slowly turn her head and look at her.
“Sorry, what?” Lexa asked, moving her headphones a little as she looked at Anya.
“I said, how are you doing.” Anya said with a small smile.
“Tired.” Lexa replied with a sigh.
“Not sleeping?” Anya asked.
“Can’t get my head to switch off,” Lexa said, “I still have no idea how you can sleep so easily on this bus.”
“Says the girl who actually has a proper bed.” Anya said with a laugh.
“I told you that you could take the bed.” Lexa replied, “doesn’t bother me where I end up because I hardly sleep anyway.”
“You’re the star of this show, kid,” Anya said with a small smile, “that means you get the bed.”
“Yeah…” Lexa said, rolling her eyes a little and shaking her head, “it’s all bullshit.”
“Talking of bullshit,” Anya said, getting her phone out of her pocket, “Titus said something about us needing to be more active on social media…”
“You mean Titus said something about me being more active on social media.” Lexa said.
“Gotta give the fans what they want, right,” Anya said, opening up the camera on her phone, “and the fans want your pretty face, so smile.”
Anya moved her face closer to Lexa’s and took a selfie of the two of them.
“I said smile.” Anya said, looking between Lexa and the photo on the phone.
“That’s as close to a smile as you’re going to get,” Lexa said, lifting her hand to her headphones again, “so suck it up.”
Anya posted the photo on her twitter account as Lexa pulled her headphones on again.
@AnyaWoods: it’s gorgeous weather outside and I’m stuck on a bus with this one @LexaWoods #GroundersOnTour
Lexa’s phone beeped with a notification after Anya tweeted the picture. She shook her head a little, a small smile tugging at her lips as she opened her twitter account. Ignoring all the notifications she had she replied to Anya’s tweet.
@LexaWoods: @AnyaWoods you got that hashtag wrong, it should say Grounders Always On Tour #blessed #apparently
“Sarcasm, Lex,” Anya said, laughing as she shook her head, “Titus is going to love that.”
“At least I tweeted something right.” Lexa replied with a smirk.
Anya shook her head again as Lexa went back to looking out of the window.
x-x-x-x
Octavia and Raven were sitting on the sofa when both of their phones beeped, both of them getting notifications. They looked at each other as they both reached for their phones. Raven sighed as Octavia shook her head.
“She looks sick…” Octavia said.
“She looks tired,” Raven replied, “I wouldn’t say she looks sick.”
“Her eyes are dull,” Octavia said, glancing at Raven, “she’s sick.”
“Who’s sick?” Clarke asked as she walked out of her bedroom, and over to the sofa, leaning over the back to see what Octavia and Raven were looking at, both girls moved their phones away pretty quickly so Clarke couldn’t see the picture, “that wasn’t suspicious much.”
“Just a girl that goes to the gym with me,” Octavia said, assuming that Clarke didn’t follow either Anya or Lexa on social media, “she just posted a picture and I think she looks sick.”
“And Raven was looking at the same picture but on her own phone?” Clarke asked, narrowing her eyes as she looked at her friends, “what’s going on guys?”
“Nothing,” Raven said, shaking her head a little, “don’t you have a date to be planning for?”
“I have nothing to wear,” Clarke replied, dropping herself down on the chair, “and I’m not sure it’s a good idea anyway.”
“Come on, Griff,” Raven said, “it’s been a while since you’ve been out on a date.”
“That’s because they all end up being complete disasters.” Clarke said.
“They wouldn’t if you stopped comparing everyone to…” Octavia started to say, stopping herself before she said Lexa’s name.
“What Octavia is trying to say…” Raven said, trying to calm the situation as she saw Clarke glaring at Octavia.
“I think it’s pretty clear what Octavia is trying to say.” Clarke said as she stood up and walked back towards her bedroom, before she stopped and turned around again, “and just for the record, don’t you think I tried? Don’t you think I tried to stop comparing everyone to… her.”
Octavia let out a sigh as Clarke went back into her room and slammed the door.
“Well, that went well.” Raven said, shaking her head as she stood up and walked towards Clarke’s room.
“Someone had to say it,” Octavia said, “we’ve all been dancing around this for the last three and a half years, Raven.”
“We’re her best friends, that’s what we do.” Raven said as she turned back and looked at Octavia, “that’s what we signed up for.”
“She isn’t the only one who lost out with all this shit,” Octavia replied, “when Anya’s home we have to lie to Clarke about where we’re going, Lincoln hasn’t been able to invite his best friend to his birthday parties for the last three years because he didn’t want to upset my best friend.”
“We all agreed…” Raven started to say.
“Well maybe I’m tired of that agreement.” Octavia said, “We’re all so worried about Clarke, who’s Lexa got, huh?”
Clarke was laying on her bed, listening to her best friends arguing in the living room. Picking up her phone she went onto her twitter account. She had two accounts, one that all her friends knew about, one that she used to promote her art and other random things, and one that she used to follow the Grounders accounts.
She saw that Anya had tweeted a picture of her and Lexa, she also knew that the picture had been the one that Octavia and Raven had been talking about. She sighed as she looked at the image of Lexa. The girl she had fallen in love with, the girl who had stolen her heart the moment they met, and she hardly recognized the eyes looking through the picture.
What Raven and Octavia didn’t know is that every now and again, around once a month, Clarke would get a call from Lexa. The brunette would say nothing more than ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I miss you’ before Gustus would take the phone from her and apologise to Clarke before hanging up. Clarke never said anything back, she had no idea what she should say. It was obvious to her that it was something that Lexa needed, but she was sure the brunette didn’t know how much each call hurt her, how every time she heard her voice and the brokenness in it, it destroyed her.
x-x-x-x
“We should be stopping for fuel soon.” Gustus said as he walked towards the back of the bus where Anya and Lexa were sitting.
“That mean we get food too?” Anya asked.
“The driver said he’ll stop at a place with a diner or something.” Gustus said with a nod.
Lexa looked away from the window and saw Gustus standing near-by. She hadn’t seen him walk over, that tended to happen when she was off in a world of her own.
“What’s up?” she asked, moving her headphones.
“Gus was just saying we’ll be stopping for fuel and food soon.” Anya said.
“Okay,” Lexa said with a nod, noticing that her hands were starting to shake as she sat up a little, “how long till we reach the hotel?”
“About 5 hours.” Gustus said, knowing why Lexa was asking.
“I’m going to go and try to get some sleep.” Lexa replied, nudging Anya to get her to stand up so she could move.
“Do you want me to wake you up when we stop for food?” Anya asked as Lexa walked towards the stairs which lead to the top level of the bus.
“I’ll get something once we get to the hotel.” Lexa replied before going upstairs.
Anya sat back down as she watched Gustus follow Lexa upstairs.
Lexa walked to the back of the bus, past the bunks where the others slept and into the room that had been set up for her. She sat down on the bed and opened the drawer in the chest of drawers that were next to the bed. Without looking she reached towards the back of the drawer and pulled out a small leather pouch that was there.
“Leave the door open.” Gustus said from where he was standing in the doorway.
Lexa nodded a little as she pulled a small hypodermic needle from the pouch, she always tried to have at least two hits ready to go when they were on the bus, she couldn’t cook up while everyone was there, the smell would permeate the entire bus. She knew that the band knew what she was doing, but she always tried to keep them out of her business as much as she possibly could. As she took the strap from the drawer she saw Gustus move away from the door. She knew he wouldn’t go too far.
She put her phone on the drawers next to the bed, rolling up her sleeve she wrapped the strap around the top of her arm, pulling it tight and holding it in her teeth. Holding up the needle she flicked it a little, so any small air bubbles would travel to the top, after resting the needle on her legs she slapped at the inside of her arm, bringing up the vein.
x-x-x-x
Ten minutes later Gustus walked into the room, finding Lexa laying on the bed. With a sigh he took the strap off her arm and put it back in the drawer along with the small leather pouch. After picking up the used needle and putting it into the sharps bin that Lexa kept in the small wardrobe, Gustus took her shoes off and moved her so she was more comfortable on the bed.
“You’re my favourite, Gustus.” Lexa mumbled, opening her eyes a little, blinking as she tried to get her vision to focus, a lopsided smile on her lips.
“Get some rest,” Gustus replied, “I’ll be outside.”
Gustus closed the door across slightly before sitting on the stool outside the door, and picking up the book which he kept there for moments just like this. It wasn’t long before some of the others came upstairs.
“Hey Gus,” Ontari said, seeing the man, “you going to join us to get food?”
“Not this time.” Gustus replied, not looking up from his book.
“I’ll pick you up something.” Anya said, “I’ll grab Lexa a milkshake as well while I’m there.”
Gustus looked at Anya and nodded his head a little.
“Why can’t Lexa get her own milkshake?” Ontari asked.
“She’s asleep.” Gustus said, looking back down at his book again.
“You mean she’s high.” Ontari replied.
“I meant exactly what I said.” Gustus said, finally looking at her.
“You know how much shit this is going to cause when it comes out, right?” Ontari asked, “when people find out how she can’t even get up on stage to perform without being completely smashed?”
“That happens and you’ll end up stacking shelves at Walmart,” Gustus said, causing Echo to bite back a laugh, “so you want to hope that doesn’t happen.”
x-x-x-x
When Lexa woke up again, she saw there was a milkshake next to her phone, while she was drinking it she picked up the phone and started looking through the images that she had on there. Memories from what seemed like another life. Pictures from the beach party that they’d had at the end of the first college semester. She let out a sigh as she looked at one particular picture, Clarke laughing with Raven and Octavia.
“Don’t do it.” Gustus said from the doorway.
“No idea what you’re talking about.” Lexa replied as Gustus walked into the room and sat at the bottom of the bed.
“So you’re not thinking about making a call?” Gustus said, making Lexa sigh again, “You told me to stop you next time.”
“I tell you to stop me every time.” Lexa said, shaking her head a little, “why hasn’t she changed her number, Gus. She’s moved, I know that much, but she’s kept the same number that she had in college, why would she do that?”
“How do you know she’s moved?” Gustus asked.
“Anya told me,” Lexa replied, putting her phone down and laying back down on the bed, looking at the ceiling, as she rested her hands under her head, “she still meets up with Raven and Octavia when she goes home. They all live together.”
“She’s going home again in a few weeks isn’t she?” the big man asked.
“Yeah,” Lexa said with a nod, “it’s Lincoln’s birthday.”
“You’re not going?” he asked.
“Wasn’t invited.” Lexa replied.
“Since when has that stopped you doing anything.” Gustus said with a small smile, nudging Lexa’s foot.
“I can’t just turn up,” Lexa said with a sigh, “Clarke will be there, that’s why I’m not invited.”
A knock at the small door made Lexa sit up a little, she dropped back down onto the bed when she saw it was Anya.
“Back in the land of the living huh?” Anya asked as she walked into the room.
“Something like that.” Lexa replied.
“Just wanted to let you know that we’ll be at the hotel in about 20 minutes,” Anya said, “Titus messaged me and told me that there’ll be fans there when we get there.”
“I thought he was keeping the hotel location quiet.” Lexa groaned.
“He said he did,” Anya replied, “but somehow they found out.”
“Weird how that always happens.” Lexa said, shaking her head as she sat up.
As Lexa moved to stand up she nearly fell over, Gustus was up next to her quickly.
“I’m okay.” She said with a sigh.
“I’ll go and ask the driver if he can park around the back of the hotel.” Anya said.
“I’m okay,” Lexa repeated, “seriously, I’m fine.”
“Lexa…” Gustus said.
“I’m fine.” Lexa said, looking between them, “now do you both want to get the hell out of here, I should probably make myself look at least semi-presentable.”
“You remember I said 20 minutes, right,” Anya said with a smirk, “not 20 hours.”
“Get the hell out.” Lexa said, laughing a little as she threw a hoodie at Anya.
Anya and Gustus left the small bedroom, closing the door behind them.
“I’m worried about her, Gus.” Anya said, running her hand through her hair, “she’s getting worse.”
“That’s what addiction does,” Gustus replied, “her body is getting used to the drugs so she’s having to take more to get the same effect.”
“How long before this gets out?” Anya asked, “how long till she OD’s by accident and it’s all over the press?”
“I won’t let that happen, you know that.” Gustus said, putting his arm around Anya’s shoulder.
“I don’t know why Titus hasn’t said anything about it,” Anya replied with a sigh, “he knows that it’s happening.”
“He doesn’t want to rock the boat,” Gustus said, “she’s making him money, it’s in his best interests to keep her happy.”
“But she isn’t happy.” Anya said.
“He doesn’t care whether or not she’s actually happy.” Gustus said with a sigh, “money is what’s important to him, and she’s making him a lot of it.”
“Okay,” Lexa said, opening the door to the bedroom while putting on her aviators, “let’s get this shit over with.”
“Look at you, every inch the rock star huh?” Anya said with a small laugh as Lexa put her leather jacket over a vintage band t-shirt which she was wearing with torn black jeans and combat boots.
“You do know it’s dark outside, right?” Ontari said as she grabbed her own jacket from her bunk.
“You do know you’re a pain in my ass, right.” Lexa said, walking past her and down the stairs.
x-x-x-x
Lexa was sitting in her hotel room looking through the mentions on her social media accounts, she certainly wasn’t a big fan of social media, thinking that it came very close to crossing that line between personal and private. Thankfully, though fans of the band had found out where they were staying, it seemed that the press hadn’t, though Lexa knew that would change now.
While she was looking through the pictures and tweets fans had posted, she heard raised voices outside the door.
“Ms Woods has asked not to be disturbed.” Gustus said.
“I think we both know that doesn’t include me.” Titus replied, “now please, step aside, this is important.”
Lexa rolled her eyes a little as she sighed and walked to the door, opening it she found Gustus standing between the door and Titus.
“It’s fine, Gus,” Lexa said, resting her hand on the big man’s back, “thank you.”
Gustus nodded a little before stepping aside, Lexa walked back into her room, leaving the door open for Titus, who followed in behind her before closing the door.
“I take it you’re settling in well.” Titus said as Lexa sat down on one of the chairs near a small table in the room, his hands grasped behind his back as he looked around the room.
“What do you want, Titus?” Lexa asked with a sigh.
“To remind you that there is a fan meet and greet here at the hotel, before the show tomorrow.” He said.
“What do you mean, remind me?” Lexa said, “to remind me, you have to have already told me about something, and I’m pretty sure that you didn’t tell me about that.”
“I assure you I did.” Titus replied as he turned and looked at Lexa.
“Whatever.” Lexa said, rolling her eyes a little as she shook her head, “anything else?”
“The band is going out to eat tonight,” he said, “I would like you to go with them.”
“I’d rather not.” Lexa replied.
“The press know that the band is in the city,” Titus said, as Lexa took a long slow deep breath, “how would it look if you don’t go out to eat with them.”
“I’ll just get Anya to tell them that I’m tired, or I’ll tweet that I’m getting an early night,” Lexa said with a shrug, “problem solved. They think I’m tired, and you get me to tweet more, everyone wins.”
“You are in the city to put on a show,” Titus replied, “I suggest you view this dinner as part of it.”
“Why can you not just let me stay here,” Lexa said, running her hand through her hair, “me going out with the rest of the band isn’t going to make any difference. I’m not the only person in the band, Titus.”
Titus dropped an envelope on the table.
“They’ll be waiting downstairs in 45 minutes.” He said before he turned and walked from the room.
As Titus closed the door, Lexa reached across the table and picked up the envelope, she didn’t need to look to know what was in it, but she did anyway. Opening the envelope, she saw four tinfoil wraps. Lexa knew she needed to go and shower before meeting the rest of the band downstairs, she also knew that she’d be okay for most of the rest of the night without another hit.
x-x-x-x
“So,” Clarke said as she arrived back home from her date, finding Raven and Octavia sitting back on the sofa, “I don’t think there’ll be a third date with this one.”
“What’s wrong with this one, Clarke?” Octavia asked, knowing that the guy Clarke had gone out with was a friend of Bellamy’s.
“He thinks a good third date would be VIP tickets to the Grounder concert in a couple of weeks.” The blonde said as she squeezed in between her two best friends on the sofa, “which is obviously not going to happen.”
“Did you tell him you knew the band?” Raven asked, amusement in her voice.
“Wasn’t really sure how to work that into the conversation, I’m not sure it would’ve fit anywhere,” Clarke said, taking Raven’s beer from her hand, “somewhere between him telling me how hot the bassist was, and how it was, and I quote, ‘a real shame that the lead singer doesn’t ride stick, cause she’s a hot piece of ass’. So yeah, no third date.”
“Ouch.” Raven said, shaking her head a little, taking her beer back after Clarke had taken a drink, “I thought you said this one wasn’t a tool, O.”
“That’s what Bell said,” Octavia replied, “told me he was a nice guy.”
“Remind me not to trust your brother’s opinion on guys.” Raven said with a laugh.
“Are we forgetting that you actually slept with Bellamy?” Clarke asked.
“You did what?” Octavia asked, her head snapping round as she looked at Raven.
“It was in college, we were drunk, it’s barely worth mentioning.” Raven said, waving off Octavia, “anyway, back to the important things…”
“You slept with my brother?” Octavia said, “and you seriously think that’s not important?”
“You did this on purpose.” Raven muttered to Clarke.
“Whoops.” Clarke said with a shrug and a smirk, “I’m going to shower.”
“Clarke Griffin!” Raven yelled as the blonde walked towards her bedroom laughing, “Get your butt back here.”
x-x-x-x
Lexa was standing in the elevator with Gustus, her aviators firmly in place, she was standing with her back against the elevator wall, her head rested back and her eyes closed.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Gustus asked.
“Nope.” Lexa replied, popping the ‘p’, “but it was a decision that was made for me.”
“Lexa, he can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do,” Gustus said with a sigh, “you’ve been travelling on the tour bus since yesterday afternoon, people would understand you needing a night away from everything.”
“I’m not the only one who has been on the tour bus since yesterday afternoon, Gus,” Lexa said, lifting the glasses to the top of her head, “it’s not going to look good if everyone else is going out to eat and I don’t.”
“And what did Titus give you to convince you that this was a good idea?” Gustus asked.
“Can we not do this right now.” Lexa said, clenching her jaw a little.
“When else do you suggest we do this, Lexa,” Gustus replied, “every time I try and bring it up you always find something else more important to talk about.”
“Leave it alone, Gustus.” Lexa said, putting her glasses back over her eyes.
“Lexa, this is a dangerous game,” he said, stepping closer to her, “that man has you dependent on him and what he provides for you.”
“Leave it alone, Gustus.” Lexa repeated, stepping around him as the elevator opened.
“People are worried about you, Lexa.” Gustus said, grabbing her arm and pulling her back away from the lobby.
“For people to be worried, that means people have to care,” Lexa said, jaw clenched again, “the only thing people care about is their pay cheque.”
Lexa pulled her arm away from Gustus and walked towards the lobby again.
“Her majesty finally arrives.” Ontari said, a smirk on her lips.
“Bow down, bitches.” Lexa said with a smirk of her own, trying to put what Gustus had said to the back of her mind, “so where are we going for food?”
“Some Italian restaurant a few blocks away,” Anya replied, “the car is outside.”
Lexa glanced out of the main doors of the hotel and saw a crowd of photographers along with the fans who were still there from when they had arrived.
“Why the hell does it look like every photographer in the city is camped outside our hotel?” Lexa asked as she looked at Anya.
“Because that probably is every photographer in the city.” Anya said.
“Christ.” Lexa sighed, running her hand through her hair.
“Let’s get you to the car.” Gustus said, walking up next to Lexa.
“There are four of us here, Gustus,” Lexa said, “are you going to make four trips to the car?”
“We can deal with the fans and photographers,” Echo said, smiling softly at Lexa, “you go to the car.”
“Ready?” Gustus asked, looking at Lexa.
Lexa nodded as she walked towards the door. Gustus pushed the door open, using his body to move the photographers out of the way as he cleared a path for Lexa to the car. Lexa kept her head down as she moved towards the car, ignoring the calls of her name. Gustus opened the back door of the car and she got in, taking a deep breath as she remembered why she hated the publicity side of her life.