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The first night back in her own bed Carla felt more alone than she had at the hotel. Here, in this bed, she felt the empty space next to her like a giant was laying by her side.
She stared blankly at the ceiling wondering if Lisa was awake too. For a brief fleeting moment she thought about marching to Betsy’s door and pulling Lisa by the hand back to where she belonged, back to the side of the bed closest to the door because she knew Carla couldn’t sleep with her back to it. Knew that Carla would only feel safe with her back to either the wall or the blonde, never the door.
It had never occurred to Carla that maybe Lisa and Becky had different sides of the bed. Maybe they didn’t have assigned spots. Carla actually snorted quietly at the thought; there was no way that Lisa hadn’t always had an assigned side and Carla knew her too well to even entertain that thought for more than half a second.
She turned over, again, and picked up her phone from the nightstand- 4:50am. Even if she managed to fall asleep that exact second she would running on fumes at the factory the next day but she couldn’t exactly work from home could she? Her and Becky sharing the same space for that many hours unsupervised would end up with another file on DS Swain’s desk.
Sighing, Carla resumed her usual position on her side of the bed and closed her eyes. If she couldn’t sleep she should at least rest; the factory lot would just have to stay out of her way the next day.
Down the hall, Lisa wasn’t faring any better.
It had been too late to arrange anything other than her and Betsy sharing the double bed in her room and good god was her daughter a messy sleeper. In fairness, Lisa should have known this about her daughter since it appeared nothing at all had changed since she was a little girl. Ever since Betsy had graduated from a cot to a bed she filled the space, legs kicked out wildly and arms splayed, long blonde curls forming a tangled nest across every available pillow. Tonight was no different and Lisa had tried to slot herself into the available space as best she could; not that being comfortable would have made any difference to her ability to sleep, but it would have been marginally better to mentally torture herself without straining her neck at the same time.
Lisa must have finally nodded off with her neck at an unnatural angle and a knee in her back because she woke to the sound of familiar footsteps descending the stairs. She listened for a minute before deciding to do the mature thing and just try to exist in the same room as Carla for one morning, to test the waters.
She sluggishly swung her legs out of bed trying not to wake Betsy and started toward the door, tired and probably slightly pained looking smile plastered on her face. No sooner had she closed the door softly behind her Lisa heard the front door close. Her shoulders immediately dropped; Carla couldn’t get out of the house fast enough it seemed.
Lisa shuffled to the bathroom and splashed some cold water over her face before heading downstairs.
“Mornin’ you looked knackered.”
Becky’s voice felt like a swift flick to Lisa’s forehead and she just grunted a response and she made a beeline to the kettle. She was going to need a lot of caffeine to get her through even just to lunch time.
“I was thinking…”
Lisa continued her morning routine in autopilot only to be disturbed again,
“Oi are you even listening to me Lise?”
The blonde turned to look at Becky who apparently had been droning on still.
“Huh?”
“I said, I was thinking maybe you could take today off and we can try and make a plan? Obviously we can’t stay here if Carla is going to insist on taking your bed away from you.”
Lisa turned and levelled a glare at Becky.
“Well she has hasn’t she? Look you can’t share with Bets forever, if she still sleeps the way she did when she was little you’ll have had about postage stamps worth of space in that bed.”
Lisa laughed gently despite herself. Betsy really was awful to share with and her back felt like she’d been carrying a bag of rocks up a cliff.
“It was fine, she’s not the best to share with but we’ll make do.”
Lisa’s tone was firm and as she heard herself speak she felt her own stubbornness increase. Tipping her chin up she finished making her coffee and started up the stairs to get dressed for what was sure to be an incredibly long day.
The staff at Underworld were very well versed in knowing when to avoid the boss. Carla’s day had thankfully been spent alone in her office with very minimal interruption. By the time close of business rolled around she was dragging herself up out of her chair. After collecting her laptop and coat she slapped toward the door, muttering to Sarah as she went to lock up.
When she arrived at the front door of number six Carla took a deep breath, bracing herself for the sight of that offensive mullet. Pushing open the door she heard…nothing. The silence, whilst weird (for a woman scared into hiding, Becky was out and about a lot) wasn’t unwelcome. Carla made a beeline for the fridge, pulled out a water bottle and a mini tray of sushi- Ryan’s- and headed straight upstairs. She needed an early night.
After going about her usual routine of washing her face, applying an absurd number of moisturisers and changing into soft pyjamas, she climbed into bed. The vastness opened up again. She had been exhausted one minute ago, practically ready to fall asleep standing up. Now she was wide awake, painfully aware of the silence and the emptiness across from her. Huffing, she pulled a book out of the drawer and settled in to stare at the pages whilst she ate her food.
Lisa had received a call from Betsy on her drive home to let her know that she’d have the bed to herself tonight. With her daughter out at Sabrina’s for the night Lisa let herself believe the complete lie that this would let her get a good nights sleep. She entered the house to find it still and quiet. She’d definitely seen Carla’s car outside as she pulled up and honestly who knows where Peter bloody Pan had swanned off to. Too tired to question the emptiness of the house any further Lisa grabbed a packet of crisps and a can of pop before heading upstairs.
She realised half way up that it might be a good idea to move a few of her essentials into Betsy’s room so she didn’t have to keep going into her room- Carla’s room- every time she needed something.
She pushed the door open slowly and was surprised to see the brunette staring at the front cover of a book, yet to even open it.
“Oh sorry I er, I just need some stuff. Some pyjamas and stuff. I’ll just grab my stuff and leave you to it”
Carla’s gaze stayed on her book.
“A lot of ‘stuff’ in here, fill your boots.”
Lisa nodded, silent and busied herself grabbing a set of worn joggers and t shirt. She picked up the hoodie she loved before realising it was Carla’s and awkwardly setting it back down.
“Right well thanks I’ll just, get out of your hair then. Thanks for the…stuff.”
Without waiting for a reply Lisa quickly backed out of the room and closed the door behind her, rushing along to the hall to Betsy’s room to change.
She settled quickly into the ridiculous pile of blankets and pillows before cursing herself at how painfully awkward she’d managed to make picking up some clothes. Just as she managed to lay comfortably on her side, phone in hand to mindlessly scroll, she heard the front door.
She couldn’t hear the words as such but could definitely make out two sets of footsteps. Becky’s overly enthusiastic tone was met with blunt mumbles from Ryan as they both entered the home. Lisa listened as Ryan hurried up the stairs and deposited his gym bag in his room before heading straight to see his aunt. She heard the door close behind him and was so distracted by it that she hadn’t heard the other set of footsteps coming up the stairs. Just in time, she closed her eyes and faked sleeping as Becky opened the door. A beat passed before the door thankfully closed and footsteps receded back down the stairs. The front door opened and closed again. Lisa was way too drained to even try and think about where on earth a dead woman needed to be at this time.
Some time later Lisa awoke with a start. She glanced around her disoriented for a second before remembering she was in her daughter’s room. Grabbing her phone to check the time she realised she had only been asleep for a few hours. She let her head drop heavily to the pillow feeling wide awake now and resigning herself to another night of staring at the ceiling.
Morning came incredibly slowly. Lisa had been correct in assuming that the short post work nap would be the only sleep she would be getting. She watched her phone count down the minutes until her alarm sounded and just like the previous morning stood to move just as the front door closed.
By lunchtime Kit had already suggested several times that she should go home and nap. The first few were said almost mockingly and she hated that his tone had now shifted to pity. Reluctantly she eventually agreed that she was absolutely no use to anyone in her current state. After forcing Kit to promise to call her if anything important came up she dragged herself, bone tired, to her car and started home.
The house again was quiet when she arrived. Throwing her keys on the counter she headed straight upstairs and threw herself onto the bed. A few minutes later, despite her best efforts, Lisa realised that trying to sleep in work trousers and a shirt were not conducive to comfort.
Sluggishly, she made her way to her former bedroom and began collecting some comfortable pyjamas. As she moved to leave the room she halted and turned toward the bed. Before she could think her feet carried her and she was standing at the foot of the bed. Tentatively she smoothed the sheets over and sat down. Moving on complete autopilot she inched further up and found herself lying on her side of the bed, on top of the covers, breathing in deeply. She held her breath, trying to absorb the smell of Carla from the sheets, commit it to the depths of her memory. Her eyes closed as she let herself feel the sharp painful comfort of the scent.
Lisa shot bolt upright at the sound of her phone. She snatched it from the bedside and saw Kit calling her.
“DS Swain.”
“Hi just wanted to let you know everything’s all fine here so you can take the rest of day if you want- not long left now anyway.”
Lisa sighed,
“Oh right okay. Well, thank you DC Green I’ll be in early tomorrow.”
“DS- Lisa, it’s okay you know. To take some time. You know, if you need it.”
There was a slight pause on the line. Lisa hated the pity that she heard in his voice but forced herself to push it down. He was actually a nice lad when he wasn’t being a slimy prat and trying to steal her job. They were actually more similar than she had initially thought.
“Thanks DC, I mean Kit. Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow though yeah?”
Hanging up she looked at the time and shot up off of the bed and out of the room. Carla would be home in an hour or so. What had she been thinking? This wasn’t her room anymore. The thought caused Lisa’s chest to ache, a tight knot forming in the pit of her stomach.
She quickly smoothed out the sheets and left the room without a second glance, heading to the kitchen to start something that might resemble an actual meal for everyone rather than the snack food and takeaways they’d been living on for days now.
When Carla finally dragged herself through the front door she instantly felt herself perk up at the smell of a home cooked meal. Her shoulders quickly went back to their now permanent sag when her mind caught up with her and she remembered that a nice family meal was obviously not on the cards. She glanced over at Lisa who was just turning off the stove and placing a lid on the pan of bolognese so it was ready to warm through when it was time to eat.
The blonde turned to speak but Carla all but ran up the stairs. She wasn’t quite ready to engage in small talk just yet and everything past that was pretty much off the table. She entered her room and leaned back against the door, eyes closed. Why had she moved back in again? Yes the house was half hers but was it really worth it to have to tip toe around like this?
Opening her eyes and pushing away from the door Carla started her now familiar routine- prep for bed, toss and turn, stare at her book, repeat.
Lisa stared up the stairs and heard Carla’s door shut. She released a sigh and took the defeat. Grabbing her phone she sent a text to both Betsy and Becky to let them know that food was cooked and ready to heat through when they wanted it. Seeing no point in sitting around like billy no mates she trudged up the stairs and settled into Betsy’s bed, only moving when she saw Betsy had text to let her know she’d be staying out for the night again.
The next few days continued in a very similar fashion. Neither woman slept. Neither woman spoke really. Both moved through the day like an automated machine, doing the strictly necessary tasks and nothing more. After four more days of this Lisa was once again banished from the station by a now very concerned Kit.
She couldn’t face going home to stare at the ceiling above a bed that wasn’t hers. Instead, she found herself standing outside of the Rovers. She pushed open the door to find it very sparsely populated and proceeded to order herself a large glass of wine before taking up residence in an empty booth.
That’s where Kit found her two hours later, almost asleep on the table. He unexpectedly gently helped her up, one hand on her arm and the other on her shoulder and steered her to his car. She wasn’t particularly drunk just exhausted in a way that she had never experienced before and she told him as much.
“You know, when Becky died- or didn’t die- all
I wanted to do was sleep. I could have slept for a week straight if it weren’t for Betsy. It was easier to sleep than it was to be awake and have to think.”
She turned to him slightly,
“I haven’t slept for more than three hours in a row for over a week now. I just can’t. Not in that room, not without Carla.”
Even wine tired and, well, tired tired she had the overwhelming realisation that this was Kit. She was his superior and this was insanely unprofessional.
“Before you start chucking those walls back up I won’t say anything. What you say in this car doesn’t leave it and we don’t have to even acknowledge the conversation after today alright? I know I’m not your favourite person in the world but I’m not always a complete tool.”
She blinked at him.
“Okay. Well. Thanks I suppose.”
There was a silent beat.
“I don’t think I can remember a time before Carla that I had felt that safe. I’m just on edge all the time now. And she hates sleeping alone. That’s what gets me the most. Is she sleeping? I know Becky is, I can hear that incessant snore from all the way upstairs so how is it fair that out of everyone, she gets to be the one with a good nights rest ey? How is that fair?”
Kit shrugged and kept his eyes straight ahead,
“Maybe you should try and talk to Carla? And maybe get some earplugs.”
Lisa smiled slightly,
“Yeah maybe.”
The car came to a stop outside of number six and Lisa turned, one hand on the door handle.
“Listen, thanks Kit. I do really appreciate it. You could actually be a pretty good mate if you tried.”
Kit chuckled and nodded.
“Sound too much like hard work if you ask me”.
Lisa laughed then and exited the car.
“I mean it. Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Kit didn’t say anything further, just gave a playful half salute and drove away.
Lisa half stumbled in the door and made her way to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and pouring a generous glass. This might be the ticket to a decent sleep.
Carla let the door to her room swing open and startled slightly. So did the lump in her bed.
“Oh- god sorry Carla I was just- I”
“It’s fine. I’ll just…come back.”
Carla stepped back out of the room and closed the door. She stared at the wood for a second before it opened again.
“I’m sorry, please just forget this happened.”
Carla took a second to really look at Lisa then. The bags under her eyes, the sinking of her cheeks, the hair stuck to the pale skin of her temples.
“You can just-“
“I can’t sleep.”
Carla blinked.
“Without you, I can’t sleep without you.”
Lisa looked so small and drained, not like the strong woman Carla knew.
She looked a second away from crying actually.
Carla may have needed to distance herself but she still loved Lisa. Too much actually.
“Me neither.”
She walked past Lisa into the room and turned back just in time to see the door close.
After that, a new routine of sorts formed. Not every day but often enough, Carla would arrive home to find Lisa leaving her room, just woken up. On those days, the scent of the blonde would linger on the pillows and Carla would be able to sleep; face buried in the familiar comfort of coconut shampoo and faint perfume.
One day, Carla arrived home to see the bed empty but ruffled. She went to lie down and found the pillow damp with tears. She hugged it to her chest, adding her own tears as she rocked side to side.
An hour later she shuffled to Betsy’s room and gently placed one of her many pillows on Lisa’s side before she could reconsider and took one for herself.
Later that night, with the scent of Lisa surrounding her, she broke. Padding down the hall she heard tell tale sniffles and peeked through the crack in the door to see blonde hair, half buried in the pillow hugged tightly to her chest. Against better judgement she pushed the door gently. Lisa’s head shot up and her red rimmed eyes darted wildly around the room.
That was it for Carla. That broke the dam.
She wordlessly crossed the room and took the blondes hand, tugging gently.
Together they entered the room and Carla guided the other woman to the bed. To the side closest to the door.
“Sleep here. Please.”
Lisa didn’t have the energy to even question it. The second the brunette peeled back the duvet she felt a sob heave through her entire body.
“Hey, shhh Lisa. Breathe love breathe. It’s okay.”
Without hesitation she pulled Lisa to her, cradling her head to her collar.
“We’ll get through this. I thought this was better. Thought it would hurt less but it’s destroying us both. I love you too much to watch you disappear like this Lisa.”
Words were too much for Lisa so she clung to Carla in a way that said more than she could ever verbalise.
She felt carefully timed taps on her back as Carla guided her into slowing her breathing. Breathe in for four taps. Out for four taps. In. And out.
After a minute or two Lisa pulled her head back and looked into brown eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been doing everything all wrong. I can’t lose you. I need you.”
Carla felt the other woman’s breathing start to hitch again and resumed her gentle taps.
“I know love. There’s not a right way in this kind of situation though is there?
I mean, it’s kind of unheard of really. The kind of thing that only happens in those daft soaps.”
Lisa chuckled wetly.
“Yeah I suppose, absurd if you think about it.”
Carla smiled and ran her fingers through blonde hair.
“So here’s what we’re going to do. Tonight we’re gonna ignore everything else, pretend none of it is happening and get a decent nights kip. Then in the morning you’re going to ring off work and I’m going to let Sarah know shes running the ship for the day.”
Lisa opened her mouth to protest.
“Ah ah missus we’ve tried your way, now it’s my turn. We’re going to make a plan. A real one, with input from both of us. I don’t care if I have to pay for Becky to stay in the flaming hotel for a year. This is OUR house okay? We’ve been through hell this year and she is not going to be the thing that finishes us off.”
Lisa looked at her slightly wide eyed.
“If we can get through a kidney transplant, my murderous brother, a shooting and quite frankly the stress of moving house, all in the space of twelve measly months, we can find a way through this. Together. We just need a decent plan okay?”
Lisa nodded and let out a breath that she felt like she’d been holding for weeks. Her entire body sagged and the fight or flight response she’d been in since Becky’s return finally gave way to absolute exhaustion. The clarity was finally there and she knew that she had to change things. She resolved to speak to Becky the next day, tell her that she had to leave. They’d help her find somewhere safe enough but that their home was not that place.
Her eyes dropped without permission and she blindly pushed at Carla’s limbs to rearrange her.
“Oi blondie, you’ll have to give me a second love. I was actually on my way for wee before.”
Carla tried to extricate herself from the bed only for Lisa to cling on even tighter, every muscle seizing.
“I promise you I’m coming back love. Promise.”
The flicker of fear and doubt that crossed Lisa’s face sealed it for Carla. She would do anything for this woman- even put up with a mulleted witch until whatever this was ran its course.
“Promise. I’ll be back my girl.”
With one final glance between brown eyes Lisa let go. She busied herself arranging pillows and kicking out the tucked in sheets until she felt the bed dip again and felt Carla’s arm snake over her waist. For the first time in weeks, Lisa felt all of the tension leave her body and the last thing she heard as she slipped into sleep was a quiet, firm.
“I love you. More than I can ever tell you. I’ll be here every step.”