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Charles, why have you left me?
I know it wasn't really your choice, but did this really have to be?
I wake up every morning, and you aren't there
Why would you think, darling, that I didn't care?
You were my sunrise, my water, my air
You were everything, just by standing there
I promised you forever, in sickness and in health
I didn't need the trophies, you were my wealth.
I truly can't believe it, are you really gone?
I still reach for you, at the break of dawn
And I know you were breaking inside
I could see it in your every stride.
You took your own life, knife to wrist
You bled out on our floor, what a cruel twist
I came home to your cold, dead body
Your breath unmoving, your eyes cloudy.
Part of me thinks it was my fault
So perhaps I should take this, with a grain of salt
I wasn't there for you, when you needed me the most
Oh love, I knew I should've kept you close.
Every race just feels like tightening the noose
Every day is just emotions, waiting to be let loose
But I can't, not with the whole world knocking
But I suppose, it was always you who did the talking.
Now I sit here, in the house that was once ours
You've left me alone with Leo, the cats, and all your cars
Leo misses you too, the cats as well
The look that pup gives me, it's my own personal hell.
Sometimes I wish I could join you
Don't laugh at me, sunshine, it's only true
It would be so simple, so easy, so quick
Only a second, just a small nick.
People always say they'd die for a cause
But I guess that saying has got a few flaws
Because why is death the thing they give,
When the hardest thing to do, is to live?
Max stood by the casket, his eyes watering. All he'd ever loved, all he ever needed was in that wooden box. There was a room full of people in front of him, family, friends, anyone who cared. But Max had known Charles best. He knew the way Charles would stutter when he was lying. He knew how to comfort the man on the worst of days, and how to celebrate him on the best. He knew what it felt like to love Charles with all of him. But most of all, he knew what it was to have all of Charles.
Only Max knew how the morning light could make Charles glow brighter than the sun. Only Max knew about Charles' slightly irrational fear of pigs named Wilbur. Only Max knew the secret words they'd exchanged on the night of their wedding. And now, he was supposed to say all of that in a short speech? He couldn't do Charles justice with just a few words. Not when the man had been so much more than that. Charles deserved better than that.
But Charles also deserved better than a pastor or pope who didn't really know him giving a half-hearted speech. Charles deserved everything Max could give. So Max would try, even if it broke him.
"I want to start by thanking you all for being here," Max began, his voice already cracking. "Most of you know who Charles was to me, how important he was, so I'll skip some of that." Max took a deep breath, mentally preparing for what came next.
"Charles was sunlight on a rainy day. He was the rainbow after a hurricane. He was everything good in my world. And maybe I'll never forgive him for leaving me alone in this world, but he was so much more than just that one moment. Just because he isn't with me in this world doesn't mean I stopped loving him. I will never stop loving him." Max's composure was breaking, his voice turning rough. Lando ran up him, pulling Max into a hug.
"Do you need me to finish this?" Lando whispered quietly, gesturing vaguely towards the tear soaked paper in front of them.
Max shook his head weakly, "No, I have to do this." Lando nodded, but stayed by Max, steadying the Dutchman's shaky hands. Lando missed Charles too, of course, but he had to keep it together. For Max's sake.
"There aren't many things which are for certain," Max said shakily, struggling through the next words. "But there is one thing that I know for sure. And that is that Charles wouldn't have wanted any of this. He always said that he didn't want a big funeral. He wanted to be buried in peace, maybe cremated. Some of you might hate me for this, but I can't do that. Charles deserves to be more than a box of ashes. He deserves to be in death something as spectacular as what he was in life. Because if he didn't cherish his life, then I will cherish it for him. If he didn't love himself, then I'll love him enough for both of us. If he could see me right now," Max paused, letting out a watery laugh, "he would joke that I've gotten soft. And I have. He's made me soft. I haven't yet decided what I'll do with his body, so I'll leave you guys today with one final thing. I have considered joining Charles before. I've looked at the knife, thinking that it would be so simple to just do it. To join him wherever he is and tell him everything I never got the chance to say in life. But I have to keep living, we have to keep living. Because the most important thing you can do for someone you care about is to live."
The audience applauded hesitantly, most of them in tears. Max left the church without turning back, Lando at his heels. "Mate!" Lando called desperately.
Max spun around, blue eyes glassed over. "I'm fine, Lando. I swear. I'll talk to you later, okay?" He didn't wait for an answer. Max jumped in his Ferrari. A custom, black SF90xx he'd ordered just for the funeral. It felt like driving a piece of Charles, however weird that sounded. He would cling to any piece of his husband that he could, and if that piece was a car, then so be it.
Part of Max hated Charles. Hated that he hadn't lived for Max, for himself. But he supposed it'd been a long time coming. When they met again, Max would yell. He knew he would. He had so many things to say, so many things he still hated Charles for. But after the fighting, after everything was done, they'd be everything they weren't on earth. They'd be free, happy, and together once again.
If only Max had that with someone else. If only his father still loved him. Really loved him. If only his mother had stayed when it got hard. But now, there was nothing left to live for. Nothing except the memory of Charles lingering in every corner of his home. The only question was, is that enough?