Work Text:
Bardic magic was silly. Nikki had always thought so, but she certainly couldn't say as much around Jessica–who was a bard, and who at every single turn had proven to have Nikki's number thoroughly in hand. But as she drew the final rune in chalk on her desk, taking a hit from her pipe-wand, Nikki eyed the scrap of paper she had found in a disused corner of the library.
Tablature. Song lyrics. No nonsense words, no grand gestures or sweeping proclamations to the heavens. She had to convert the whole thing back into a proper wizard spell just to be able to use it, because bardic magic was just so fucking silly.
Nervously, she compared the spell as she had transcribed it to the original bardic magic. It was a summoning spell, fortunately–closer to the sorts of spells Master Stella had taught her–which meant that an A-flat could become a sweep of her pipe-wand, a slow glissando into a descent in the tone of her voice. And just in case, because she was sure it would be fine, she could make the summoning circle a little smaller, to make sure whatever bizarre creature this spell summoned could be safely contained.
It was going to be a gift for Jessica, of course. Some kind of ukulele-strumming demon, maybe? A gremlin with a tuba? An air elemental that lived entirely within a set of pan pipes? Some kind of musical monster for her to study, to enrapture, and maybe to get up to some mischief with.
"Welp, no time like the present," Nikki grumbled, setting one foot forward and raising her wand high. "Let's play this tune."
The heavy step forward. The circular motion of the wand, tracing a trail of smoke through the air behind her. Master Stella had taught her to lean into her weight, to step hard so as not to trip, to try not to fall out of her low-cut robes. She wasn't exactly grace and poise personified, but she was as precise as she needed to be, thudding from one beat to the next, proclaiming the words of power to her empty study. The chalk circle glowed, sparkling with ephemeral white and green eighth notes. Bardic magic was silly. She would do it anyway.
And as she made one final circle of smoke with her wand, the air crackled and shook, and a rabbit the size of Nikki's hand appeared in the circle on her desk.
Bonjour! I am MonaMi, your personal guide to–wait, who in the cosmos is calling Me on this line!?
Nikki stepped slowly closer. MonaMi… that name sounded strangely familiar. It must have been one of the spirits Jessica invoked sometimes in her songs. She was blue-green and glowing, Her white gown not even trying to cover Her hips, never mind Her little black panties. One dark eye that wasn't concealed behind Her green hair scanned the room, while the treble clef sigil encircling Her ear seemed to spin with confusion.
I thought for sure I'd closed this line. And why didn't I hear the summoning tones? Am I being summoned by–
She whipped around, looking Nikki straight in the eye, and scowled.
You! Bard! Your instrument, s'il vous plaît. Wires have seriously been crossed. And why aren't you kneeling!?
Nikki took another slow step forward, hiding a bit behind her pipe-wand. Whatever this thing was, She was absolutely radiating power–Jessica could definitely find some kind of use for Her. "Whaddaya mean, kneeling?" Nikki chuckled, not even noticing her voice breaking a little. "I got you in the circle, Ma'am! You know the rules! You're, uh…"
She tapped her toes on the ground, trying to remember the exact words her Master had taught her.
"You're bound by the dark arcane pacts!" she rattled off at last.
MonaMi put Her hands on Her little hips. The glyph of the musical clef had turned dark green. You don't have a clue who I am, do you, kittycat?
Nikki swallowed hard. "M-MonaMi, was it?" she said. MonaMi… she had definitely heard that name before. Fumbling over her shoulder, she made for her disorganized and dusty bookshelf, fumbling through whatever books she'd managed to keep in working order, until she arrived at an old interplanar bestiary, a guide to the beings of the various Heavens and Hells and such. She flipped through the pages, trying desperately to remember Infernal Alphabetical Order, eyeing each entry and comparing it to the six-inch bunny on her…
She looked up again. The summoning circle was on the floor. MonaMi still stood in the center of it. She was about five feet tall.
"H-How did You…" Nikki began.
Cramped, MonaMi answered simply. A little smirk had crossed Her face. Go on then, kitty-kitty. Do your little research thing. I bet the answers are definitely in that book!
The answers were definitely not in that book. Nikki's eyes peered down her shelf, across piles of other books that she could barely remember being assigned. The bunny was getting larger, sparklier, and much more smug with each passing second. She needed a faster answer.
Then she spotted her crystal ball on the desk. She dove for it, quickly moving her hands in the way she'd been taught, waving her pipe in a circle overhead to create a ring of smoke, to dial up the signal to her distant tower…
When she appeared in the crystal ball, she was reading. She was always reading, but this time she was reading in a sparkling dark blue nightgown, her feet propped on a footrest that contained a micro-sized city (why did the crystal ball always end up under her soles somehow?). Her ears perked up, and she lowered the book, her green face frowning lazily.
"Nikki, it's Stella time," Master Stella grumbled. The massive bear rolled her neck on her shoulders, groaning. "This is important, right? I'm supposed to be reading and subtly tormenting millions of lesser beings."
"Right obviously yeah it's a Friday I get it but still," Nikki said. "I'm just having a hell of a time identifying this summoned creature."
She spun the crystal ball around so that it was facing the bunny–who was now seven feet tall. She bent over at the waist, eye-to-eye with the crystal ball, and winked.
Master Stella's eyes, for just a second, went as wide as a pair of apples. "Nope, I'm not dealing with that, not on a Friday," she said quickly, recoiling a little in her chair. Her foot swept across the stool, sending thousands plummeting with itty-bitty shrieks to the floor of her den. "You're on your own with that one, kiddo, we'll put you back together ASAP." She snapped her fingers, and the ball went dark again.
"Dammit!" Nikki shouted, punching the desk. She turned around again–and she was as tall as the bunny's thighs. The summoning circle had spread beyond the boundaries of the room. "Uh, HIIIIIIIII! MonaMi, right? Y-Yeah, listen, I–"
"Nikki, what in Mona's name is that racket down there?"
The rabbit wasn't bending over anymore. She kept Her hands on Her hips, eyes glancing toward the stairs, where Jessica's footsteps were beginning to appear. Nikki glanced back quickly, then back up at MonaMi…
"...what in who's name!?" Nikki shouted back over her shoulder.
"What in Mona's name, Nikki, I say it with some regularity!" Jessica shouted. "You know, Mona, the–"
Jessica paused at the bottom of the stairs, bending over to look into Nikki's basement study. Nikki pointed up at the rabbit, who turned her way. Smiling. Grinning. Waving.
"The… the goddess of music," Jessica squeaked. Her whiskers twitched, her ears quivered, and her eyes couldn't even blink. Without a word, she dropped to one knee, leaning against her staff. "Yes. Her."
Her eyes barely peered upwards from her bow. "Nikki can you please explain why my god is in your study!?" she whispered.
Finally! MonaMi, the goddess of music, shouted. She walked closer to the stairway, Her head somehow lower than the ceiling even though there was no way it should have been. Jessica trembled beneath Her terrible gaze, but the divine rabbit only chuckled. Oh, relax, Jessica. I'm just pleased as piccolos to finally see a bard.
"She knows my name!" Jessica squealed. "Th-the goddess of music knows my name!?"
Um, yeah, obviously? Mona chuckled. Her graceful, narrow fingers slipped under the collar of Jessica's robe to the copper wireframe rabbit head pendant she wore at all times. I'm la Déesse, of course I know who's worshiping Me!
"That is… that is sublime," Jessica whispered. She seemed like she was on the verge of tears–until she suddenly wasn't, until her head jerked up to glare at Nikki directly between the eyes. "Nikki, how in Her name did you manage to get the goddess of music in our cellar!?"
"I-I don't…" Nikki stammered. She barely had a voice anymore. "I-I can't… i-it was supposed to be–"
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand voilà, Mona boomed, reaching across the room over Nikki's head to a discarded scrap of paper near where the original circle lay–a crumpled up bit of parchment that looked like tablature, with notes and lyrics in a long-lost tongue, not unlike the one MonaMi had been subtly inserting into Her speech this whole time. See, in the distant past, before I became what I am now, I was an angel for the previous goddess of music! These scrolls could be used by bards to summon Me for advice, for knowledge about the secrets of song–all kinds of things! They were quite the hit!
She chuckled, a wistful little bit of nostalgia, as the little scroll burst into blue flame and vanished–as She looked back over Her shoulder at Nikki.
They were supposed to be used by a bard, She said, a crackling severity in Her echoing voice.
Nikki was flummoxed. She fumbled around on the desk for her translated copy of the spell, desperately trying to remember the fire cantrip to set it ablaze–but instantly it appeared in Mona's hand and exploded into a similar blue flame. Jessica stood back up, holding her microphone-shaped staff in front of her. She, just like her goddess, was smirking.
"Begging Your divine pardon, O Enthralling One," she said, "but before You release Yourself from this circle, which You obviously could have done at any time, I must implore you that dearest Nikki has demonstrated great ignorance today."
C'est dommage, Mona said, clicking Her tongue. How would you like to tell your friends that you got to cast a ritual spell with God today?
Nikki was frozen. Jessia raised her staff to her mouth and winked.
"Parfait," she whispered, clearing her throat–before the divine music flowed from the throat of her and her Goddess.
It was, of course, impossible to know the strange language from beyond the stars in which they sang. Circles of notes rose through the air, hopping along with bunny ears that surrounded the cat where she stood.
Elle écoute la java qu'elle fredonne tout bas
Elle revoit son accordéoniste
They stomped. Nikki fell forward into her own clothes, dropping halfway to the floor.
Et ses yeux amoureux, suivent le jeu nerveux
Et les doigts secs et longs de l'artiste
They stomped again. The threads of Nikki's robes collapsed onto her head. When she peaked her tiny little speck of a head out from the top, the bard and the Goddess were dancing closer to her, each holding the other's hand, twirling to the beat as ethereal accordions and pianos rose through the air. They were grace and poise personified. They were absolutely massive. They were heading directly Nikki's way.
Ça lui rentre dans la peau! par le bas! par le haut!
Elle a envie de pleurer, c'est physique!
The rabbit's foot rose in the air. Nikki shivered beneath Her sole, which lowered precisely on the beat.
Tout son être est tendu, son souffle est suspendu
C'est une vraie tordue de la musique!
À tout à l'heure, little speck-kitty! Mona thundered as Her foot swallowed the entire world, as Nikki shrunk one final time to new ludicrous levels of puniness within the wrinkles of Her sole. If you see the old goddess of music, say hello! Pour moi!
It was overwhelming. It was everything.
It was all, every bit of it… so gods-damned silly.