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The whole world is a blur of green leaves.
Towering trees bracket either side of the open dirt road as Zayn drives them down it, twigs snapping like fire beneath the truck tires, and the leaves make a canopy above their heads. Sunlight shines in through the gaps, though, washing spots of brightness across the windshield of the truck, hazy and gold and soft like honey.
But Liam can’t focus on that, right, because beside him—
Well, because Zayn is beside him, right there, and his fingers are tapping out a tune against the steering wheel as he hums along to the slow strains of the radio, the trick moving down uneven road—
and all Liam can feel is Zayn’s body spilling warmth, somehow, even though their arms are still inches apart, and bloody hell.
Liam thought he’d be okay with this.
It’s their last summer together, the last time for a long time that all five of them will be together in the same place, and if Liam wasn’t gutted about that enough as it is, there’s also the fact that he might actually like Zayn.
The fact that he might actually like Zayn, you know—like that.
In the way that means he wants to kiss Zayn on the mouth and kiss the curve of his eyelids and the dip of his chin, licking over his teeth and biting at the jut of his hipbone—gently, gently—leaving love all over his body, tucked in spaces where he’ll be able to find it even when Liam isn’t around to show him.
And shit, that’s sort of scary, isn’t it?
Especially now that school is going to be starting back up at the end of the weekend, dragging them all to different corners of the world.
“Ha, I knew they wouldn’t last,” Zayn says suddenly, his voice floating out into the steady silence of the car.
Liam glances over at him, and he watches the side of Zayn’s face for a moment—he watches the way the light steals across the angles of it, bright and milky, softening the sharp slope of his nose, and then he frowns, because he has no clue what Zayn just said.
“Sorry?” Liam asks, eyebrows furrowing.
Zayn laughs at that, giving Liam a look before turning back towards the road, his dark eyes looking like honey beneath the sunlight that pours into the truck. “The lads,” he says, mouth quirked up at the edges. “I said I knew they wouldn’t last.”
And that’s when Liam looks over his shoulder and realizes that Niall, Harry, and Louis are all fast asleep in the backseat, Harry’s head in Louis’ lap and Louis’ head on Niall’s shoulder, light passing over their faces in clips as they move down the long stretch of dirt road. Gravel snaps beneath them.
“Figures,” Liam sighs, grinning as he turns to look out the windshield.
Zayn just chuckles lowly, and he doesn’t say anything else as the sun casts shadows and light across the truck windows and strikes at the dust in the air, the afternoon alive with an orange glow.
When the world outside becomes nothing but fragments of passing trees, Liam thinks about asking how far they have left to go. He thinks about it, but somehow it’s a question that seems like it could mean anything, so he just leans his forehead down against the window instead. The glass is warm against his skin, and Liam swallows, trying to ignore the sound of Zayn humming beside him.
A second later, he doesn’t even blink as he feels Zayn’s hand come up to rest on the back of his neck, squeezing gently at the nape of it, warm and soft and steady. He doesn’t blink, no—
But it’s a moment before he starts breathing again.
-
Only an hour later, the woods have grown thicker, and trees are surrounding them, pressing closer and closer until their branches are brushing up against the windows of the truck.
Zayn drives them down the gravelly stretch of road, but it’s less of a road now, really—it’s more of a trail, a winding dirt trail bracketed in by pines and thickets of white flowers. Sunlight leaks in through the slits in the foliage and colours everything in gold.
Liam shifts in his seat, keeping his eyes on the trees outside the passenger window, and everything is green, green, green.
“Where in the hell are we?” Louis asks, sudden from the backseat, his voice loud against the hushed silence of the truck. Harry laughs, and Louis’ says, “Jesus, mate, you’ve taken us into a horror film.”
“This is like the one we watched.” Harry says, and his voice is low like it’s a question just for Louis, but Liam catches it.
He catches the smile in Harry’s voice, too, and he thinks about the fact that Harry’s the youngest out of all of them, the fact that Harry’s going to be the one left behind with Liam when the school year starts.
Louis laughs, words hushed when he says, “Oh shit, it is, isn’t it?”
And Liam blinks, sitting up in his seat before glancing around and trying to make out anything past the leaves and flowers pressed up against windows of the truck, but he can’t. Looking over at Zayn, he frowns, trying not to focus too much on the line of Zayn’s neck, on the way he wants to put his mouth on it. “Do you actually have any idea where we are, Zayn?”
“We’re almost there,” Zayn smiles, and then he’s laughing as he glances up into the truck mirror at the other three boys, who are all screaming in the back while Louis shouts, “Run for your lives!” and then, “Jesus, Curly, you’re gonna have to be faster than that!”
And Liam swallows, he just swallows with a cotton tongue because he’s still watching Zayn and Zayn has lips that look soft beneath the sunlight and that’s—god, that’s not something he should be thinking, is it?
Definitely not about his best mate.
When the boys quiet down again, it stays quiet for a while.
Zayn drives them through the tunnel of leaves, the entire car swimming in dimness, while pale beams of sunlight trickle in through the trees and dapple their faces in brightness.
“You said we were going to be there soon,” Niall groans after a long stretch of silence, when Liam has his cheek pressed up against the window and everything is slipping past him like a dream.
Zayn just smiles at that, and Liam doesn’t even have time to wonder about anything before the trees are suddenly melting away outside, fading back behind them as Zayn drives them out into a clearing, the car tires snapping over soil and twigs.
“Oh,” Niall says, almost laughing, and then his face is right there in the space between Zayn and Liam’s seat. Liam smiles, watching the side of Niall’s face as Niall looks outside the windshield, his eyes wide and electric blue. “So this is it?” He asks.
“This is it,” Zayn nods, and then he’s taking his car keys out of the ignition and unbuckling his seatbelt. He cracks open the door and jumps out, slamming it shut behind him.
Niall says, “finally,” and then he’s gone, too.
“Ah, alright, Curly, let’s go,” Louis sighs, his voice floating up from the back seat of the car as he pushes open the car door. “Come on, I’ll carry you since I know you’re so tired.”
“Oh shut up, Louis, you fell asleep too,” Harry laughs, and then he’s following Louis out of the car and letting the door fall shut behind him. For a moment, Liam wonders about them—wonders if they’re ever going to admit to the fact that they’re absolutely done for each other, and have been since the beginning of all this—but he only lets himself wonder for a moment.
And then the moment passes and he’s opening up the car door with a sigh before climbing out into the clearing. Glancing around, Liam squints against the sunlight that streams down through the leaves, and he notices that the area is all grass and dry soil, broken twigs scattered across the forest floor.
“Hey, Li, come help me with the tent, yeah?” Zayn shouts.
Liam blinks, looking over to where Zayn’s already kneeling down in front of a thick line of trees and unpacking their tent, metal rods and waterproof material scattered in front of him as he turns the instructions over in his hands with a frown.
Liam laughs, and then he’s making his way towards Zayn, stepping over moss-covered logs and fallen branches, twigs snapping beneath his shoes. He lowers himself down beside Zayn and the ground is damp against his knees but he doesn’t mind, not really, not when Zayn’s arm is brushing against his like this, their arms bare and shining with sweat as the sun beats down on them from above.
Over by the car, Harry is erupting with laughter as Louis presses him against the closed trunk, tickling Harry’s sides as he smothers kisses over his face.
Bird song floats through the trees, everything still and mute in the deep thickness of the woods, and Zayn nudges Liam in the shoulder.
“Lou’s a bit sloppy, isn’t he?” Zayn teases, squinting against the sunlight as he looks at Liam with a small grin.
“What do you mean?” Liam asks, and he’s smiling because he can’t help it, because Zayn’s looking at him with eyes like stars and Liam can feel it in his throat.
“Dunno,” Zayn shrugs with a grin, dark hair falling into his eyes as he turns back towards the ground, working at the tent again. When he speaks, it almost sounds like he’s laughing. “Just feel like if I was to try and pick you up, I’d do a better job of it.”
“Oh,” Liam says, but the sound comes out a bit choked. “Right.”
He definitely stops breathing for a while this time.
-
Later on that afternoon, the trees make a canopy over Liam’s head as he moves through the woods, sunlight streaming in through the gaps in the leaves and drenching everything in golden light.
The trees are all covered in velvet green moss, tiny birds darting from branch to branch, and it’s pretty, it really is—
But once again, he’s finding it hard to focus.
It’s hard to focus because Zayn is walking beside him, and their shoulders are brushing with every bloody step Liam takes, and—
And well Liam likes it, alright, and he sort of wants Zayn to push him up against the trunk of a tree and just touch him, just lick into his mouth and make him see stars. It’s a stupid and senseless thing to want, but that doesn’t stop Liam from wanting it, you know?
And the rest of the lads have taken off somewhere—Louis mentioned something about a tree climbing competition, and Liam hadn’t even bothered to ask—so now it’s just Zayn and Liam and the tall trees surrounding them, it’s just them and the sunlight that strikes at the dust in the air.
“It’s nice out here, isn’t it?” Liam asks suddenly, nudging his shoulder against Zayn’s. And yeah, he’s talking just to talk, talking just so he doesn’t have to think—but he’s not lying, either. The forest is nice. “It’s pretty.”
He can feel the weight of Zayn’s stare on his face, but Liam doesn’t say anything else, he just ducks beneath a low sitting branch, liking the way that everything here smells like damp earth and morning dew.
“Yeah,” Zayn says, and his voice is low, warm with a smile as he adds, “I suppose it is.”
And at that, Liam glances over towards Zayn because he can’t bloody help it, alright—and then his breath is hitching as he realizes that Zayn is still watching him, his eyes warm as they stop walking, the afternoon sunlight playing across the edges of their faces.
Liam swallows, and Zayn blinks, his smile growing a little wider.
Somewhere in the forest, a bird sings, and Zayn takes a step towards Liam.
“What are you—” Liam starts, but then their faces are so close together that Zayn’s features are blurring, shifting into soft lines and angles that Liam can’t make out, that he likes anyways. When he speaks again, he can feel Zayn’s breath washing over his bottom lip, and the taste is all milk and honey, tinged with cigarette smoke. “Zayn,” he breathes.
Zayn laughs, pressing his forehead against Liam’s, and then he’s rubbing a thumb across Liam’s bottom lip, his touch warm and gentle as they stand together in the middle of the forest. “You’ve got a crumb on your mouth, Li.”
Liam laughs, a choked sound, but his face flushes red as he ducks away from Zayn’s grasp, scrubbing both hands down his face. “Thanks.”
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Zayn frowns, his eyebrows furrowing.
Liam turns back towards him, watching Zayn as the sunlight streams down and smudges the edges of his face, and he thinks that Zayn is beautiful, maybe more beautiful than the flowers and the stars.
“Nothing,” Liam smiles, because it’s not Zayn’s fault that Liam wants to kiss him and touch him and bite down on his bottom lip. Zayn’s still looking at him, though, eyes all dark with worry, and Liam laughs at that, hooking his arm around Zayn’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, mate. We’re okay.”
Zayn chuckles, and then his hand is resting on the small of Liam’s back as they walk through the woods, his hand is burning through the thin fabric of Liam’s muscle shirt and lighting a fire in the lining of Liam’s skin.
“Good,” Zayn says. “’Cause I love you best.”
Liam smiles and somewhere in the forest, a bird takes off.
-
Later on that night, the air is full with the smell of smoke.
The night sky is dark and endless, seeming to stretch up for ages above them, and the night air is cooled by the lake in the distance, waves lapping far beyond the trees.
And even though it’s nearly midnight, Liam’s wide awake.
He’s lounging beside Niall on a moss covered log as a fire burns in the middle of their circle, bright orange flames flickering against the darkness. According to Louis, it’s not camping unless there’s a bonfire, so now here it is, right here, with its blue smoke billowing up into the dark.
The smell is all burnt wood and fire, and Liam breathes it in.
He doesn’t focus on Zayn, who’s sitting on the log across from him, the fire burning between them and making the angles of his face seem sharp, glowing orange against the darkness of the night.
“Alright, lads, how about a classic game of truth or dare?” Louis grins as he reaches them, sitting down beside Harry on a fallen log. He cracks open a bottle of beer and takes a sip, blue eyes bright as the fire casts shadows over his face.
Harry laughs, shaking his head. “We’re not kids, Louis.”
“I know we’re not,” Louis says with a grin. “But what about you, mate? I’m surprised your mum even allowed you to join us.”
“Shut up,” Harry frowns, and then, like he’s saying it just for Louis, “Sixteen is old enough for a lot of things.”
Louis’ eyes widen at, just barely, and alright, Liam thinks that maybe they’re catching on. He has to hide a grin in his sleeve as Louis turns back towards the group, eyebrows raised as he slaps his hands down on his thighs. “So, what do you say, boys? One last game for old time’s sake?”
“Sure, why not?” Niall says with a shrug, his words muffled around the lip of his beer bottle. “I’m in.”
“Yeah, same,” Zayn adds, and his voice seems steady and warm, his face lit up orange by the fire. He looks towards Liam, the flames flickering over his face, and there’s the sound of crickets in the trees around them as Liam nods, forcing his mouth into a smile.
“Truth or dare sounds good, actually.” He says.
“Brilliant,” Louis grins, and then he sort of shoots Harry a look as if to say so there, but Harry just laughs and shakes his head, green eyes bright as he turns back towards the fire.
The night is dark and full around them, the forest full with sounds of the lake in the distance and small animals scampering through the trees, but Liam feels safe for some reason. He feels okay.
“I’ll start, then.” Niall says with a grin, draining the rest of his beer bottle before setting it down beside the log. He glances around the circle, blue eyes seeming deep, dark. When his eyes settle on Harry, his smile grows even bigger. “Alright, Haz. Truth or dare?”
Harry sighs, but he’s grinning, bundled up beneath a quilt beside Louis. He seems to think about it for a moment, pushing curls away from his face. “Um. Truth,” he says finally.
“Boring!” Louis shouts, his voice echoing out through the trees, and Harry nudges him in the shoulder, but he’s laughing as he says, “Shut up, Louis!” and then, “Alright, dare.”
“Good lad,” Louis nods, smiling.
Niall’s quiet for a moment, and then he’s smiling again. “I dare you to snog Zayn,” he says. “Ten seconds.”
The boys all erupt with laughter and Zayn’s shaking his head, smiling as he says, “Bloody hell,” but Harry’s already standing up and making his way over towards Zayn with a fox like smile, the flames snapping and casting wavy patterns of light over his face, over his curly hair that’s tucked back beneath a beanie.
“I’m gonna to need another beer,” Louis says,
And Liam’s finding it hard to breathe because Harry’s sitting down over Zayn’s lap, and Zayn’s hands are resting on Harry’s hips and they’re grinning at each other like idiots and Liam knows they’re just joking around, because it’s a game, it’s a bloody game—
So he picks up his beer and takes a swig of it as Harry leans in and kisses Zayn’s mouth, and the taste is bitter and sour in his throat but he swallows it down, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.
“I think it’s been twelve seconds,” Louis says, but he’s watching Harry kiss Zayn with a strange sort of interest as the bonfire snaps and coughs up smoke, and Liam wishes he could be like Louis.
It’s like Louis’ so sure of Harry, and Liam doesn’t have that with Zayn, right, because Zayn’s always joking around—
He’s always going too far with Liam and then he’s always pulling back, smiling and shrugging it off like it means nothing for Liam to hear Zayn say I love you best or your hair looks good like that, mate or come here, Li, I sleep better beside you.
Liam blinks as Zayn laughs into Harry’s mouth, pushing him off of his lap and shaking his head. “That’s quite enough, thanks.”
“Ah, come on, you liked it,” Harry grins, walking back to sit beside Louis. The forest is dark around them, filled with the stillness of night time, and Liam watches as Louis whispers something in Harry’s ear, the words hushed and lost to the fire.
“Who’s next, then?” Zayn asks, looking around at the boys.
Orange light steals over half of his face, and the rest of it is lost in the shadows, barely anything more than a dream.
“You’ve got to ask someone now,” Niall says, and then he stands up and looks around the circle, blonde hair looking brown in the darkness. “Anyone want another beer?”
“Me, please,” Liam says, because bloody hell, does he ever need to be drunk right now.
The rest of the boys are agreeing with nods and smiles and then Niall’s boots are snapping over twigs as he makes his way back over to where the tents are.
“My turn, then.” Zayn smiles, and his eyes are bright in the dark. He looks around the circle and when his gaze settles on Liam, Liam almost forgets how to breathe.
Again.
“Liam,” Zayn says, “truth or dare.”
“Truth,” Liam says, because he doesn’t want really to be dared to snog Niall tonight, or any night, for that matter.
Beneath the light of the fire, Zayn’s face glows.
He licks his lips, watching Liam from the other log with a steady gaze, with a gaze that burns, that makes Liam feel like his skin is prickling. “Okay,” Zayn starts, “do you like anyone at the moment?”
“God, you’re all so elementary,” Louis sighs, but then he’s biting at Harry’s shoulder as Harry laughs and tries to twist away, and Liam thinks that maybe Louis shouldn’t really be saying anything at all.
He looks back at Zayn, swallowing a sip of beer, and he knows he should lie, but the beer is getting to him and making thinking kind of difficult, so he says, “Yeah, I do, actually.”
“Oh!” Niall shouts, because he’s back now, apparently, passing beers around the circle before sitting back down beside Liam, an owl hooting in the distance as he nudges Liam with his knee. “Who is it, then? You never told us.”
“I don’t plan on telling you, either,” Liam says, laughing as he takes another sip of beer.
“Oh, come on!” Louis shouts, and then Harry’s laughing and saying, “Shut up, you’re going to get us attacked by a bear.”
But Zayn’s just watching Liam with a focused sort of look in his eyes, the fire playing across his face and making it all seem soft, hazy—
And maybe Liam’s drunk. He can’t even tell.
How do you know when you’re drunk?
“Okay, Louis. Truth or dare?” Liam asks, and Louis shakes his head, his arm wrapped around Harry’s shoulders.
“Nah, mate. You brought it up, and now you’ve got to tell us. Who’s the lucky girl?” Louis asks, and then Harry’s murmuring, “or lucky boy,” and Louis’ nodding, grinning as he says, “Right. Or lucky boy.”
Liam laughs, shaking his head, and the stars watch from above.
“Bullshit,” he says, smiling at Louis from across the fire. The flames flicker and the wood burns, and it feels like it’s just them and the trees and a sky that’s all dark blue. “You’ve never told us who you like, have you?”
Zayn laughs, and it’s a sound that goes straight to Liam’s belly.
It’s a sound that makes butterflies erupt.
“What are you on about?” Louis frowns. “I like Harry.”
At that, Niall bursts in laughter beside Liam, his hands coming up to cover his face as he chuckles. “Oh my god.”
“You like Harry?” Zayn asks, at the same time that Harry turns towards Louis with wide eyes and says, “You like me?”
“Jesus,” Louis groans, the fire casting shadows over the sharp lines of his face. “You’re all so daft, sometimes I wonder how you’ll ever manage without me.”
“Since when did you like me?” Harry says, and his voice is lower this time, caught somewhere between awe and panic—and Liam gets that, he definitely does.
It’s the end of the summer, after all.
Louis whispers something in Harry’s ear and Harry nods, and then Niall’s clapping his hands and saying, “More beer, then.”
And a moment later he’s back with more beer and the game is starting back up again—sillier things this time, like running around in the woods and howling like a wolf, their flashlights slicing through the dark. And Niall’s dared to strip and climb the huge tree beside their tents, which he does, and nobody’s surprised when Harry joins him.
Nobody surprised when Louis stands back and watches, either.
Liam laughs until he feels like he’s going to throw up, and the blue sky darkens into black above them.
When they’re all sitting around the fire again, bundled up in jumpers and rain boots because of the cold air coming in from the lake, Liam feels like he’s in a moment that he’ll remember forever.
Because he’s got his best mates with him and yeah, he might be a little bit drunk, but he’s also so in love with them that it hurts.
And suddenly Zayn’s beside him on the log, their shoulders pressed together as the fire burns and burns and for a moment Liam has to wonder if he’s on fire, too.
“Hey, Li.” Zayn says, pressing his forehead against Liam’s temple, and Liam’s suddenly aware that he could move his head, he could just shift and then his mouth would be on Zayn’s—
“Hi,” Liam breathes, swallowing thickly.
The air is hazy with smoke and burning firewood but all he can feel is Zayn’s nose against his cheek, Zayn’s hand rubbing little circles into the small of his lower back, gentle and warm and steady.
“You look nice today,” Zayn murmurs, and the other boys are gone back to their tents now, their muffled laughter pouring out into the dark—so it’s just Zayn and Liam and the bonfire burning, it’s just Zayn and Liam and the warmth igniting in his lungs. “I always think you like nice, but. You look real nice today, I suppose.”
“Thanks, mate,” Liam grins, leaning into Zayn’s touch.
He doesn’t mean to smile but he always ends up smiling when he’s drunk, when the clarity of everything is shifting in and out of focus—and now it’s even harder because Zayn is touching him, Zayn’s hand is on his back, moving slow, slow, slow—
“I’ve got to go,” Liam says, the words leaving his mouth in a rush as he jolts up off of the log that he’s been sitting on, twigs snapping beneath his boots as he makes his way through the darkness towards their empty tent. Zayn’s calling out his name and the whole world is whirling as Liam wipes at his eyes, tossing words over his shoulder but not looking back. “I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”
“Li, come back.” Zayn says again, with more of a frown this time, and the words are slurred because he’s just as drunk as Liam is.
He’s just as drunk, and for some reason Liam doesn’t take any comfort in that.
-
Top of Form
The tent is dark and sticky with heat.
Liam lays on top of the blankets with his eyes closed and the minutes float by him like dandelion seeds, up up and away. He can feel Zayn breathing beside him, lying on his back while Liam lays on his side—facing away—and he knows that they’re both awake but he can’t bring himself to speak.
The air is still thick and hazy with the smell of smoke, and Liam thinks that maybe he drank too much. Every bone in his body feels like it was emptied out and filled with stars, and that must be the beer because there’s nothing else that could make him feel like that, is there?
Except well, there’s always Zayn.
Zayn, who climbed into the tent ten minutes ago and still hasn’t said a word. This close, the warmth of Zayn’s body burns the bare skin of Liam’s back, and this would be fine if it were any of the other boys but not him, not Zayn.
So, yeah. Liam’s drunk.
He’s drunk and there’s an owl calling out somewhere in the distance, but it’s not that bad, right, he can still think proper thoughts—
Or at least he thinks he can, until he tries to test it out and ends up thinking about Zayn’s mouth instead, about how Zayn’s tongue would taste like smoke and alcohol right now. Zayn’s skin would feel hot on his, Liam thinks, and Zayn’s touch would make him think of the ocean and the way that things feel weightless there.
And okay, that last thought didn’t make sense at all, did it?
Maybe Liam’s drunker than he thought.
Liam squeezes his eyes shut as Zayn shifts suddenly, throwing an arm over Liam’s chest and pulling him in closer. “I like you,” Zayn says, voice muffled against Liam’s neck.
Liam’s frozen in place, and the tent suddenly seems so small, like he could move away and he’d still be touching Zayn somehow.
It’s a moment before Liam speaks. “Thanks,” He whispers, trying to put a little laugh into it. “I like you too.”
Zayn laughs and props himself up on his elbows, grinning down at Liam with crinkled eyes. Moonlight leaks in through the gaps in the tent ceiling and washes over the lines of his face, and Liam just wants to tilt his head up and kiss him.
“I know you like me,” Zayn grins, and his eyes are glassy, blown out with alcohol. “Cause you’re my best mate, that’s why.”
Liam nods, because he doesn’t know what else to do. “Yeah.”
Zayn smiles and then rolls away, onto his back again. Their feet brush together beneath the dark green sleeping bag and it’s a feeling that gets stuck in Liam’s throat. He stays quiet, focusing on the stillness of the tent and the hushed state of the world outside—and he’s just drifting on the edge of a dream before Zayn’s voice is there again, pulling him back.
“Liam,” he says.
Liam shifts, his eyebrows furrowing, and he’s half asleep. “Yeah?”
“Liam,” Zayn says, like Liam didn’t just answer him.
And then Liam’s grinning because he can’t even help it, because Zayn’s looking at him with a steady gaze and for some reason that makes Liam nervous. “What, Zayn?”
Zayn swallows. “Do you know that I’m going to miss you? All of you, I mean,” he says. “Like, I’ve been thinking about it, right, about how me and Lou are leaving for school or whatever and how and you and Haz and Ni are staying behind, and it’s shit, isn’t it? That I have to leave you for—” He trails off, waving his hand in the air like that helps Liam understand what he’s trying to say. Zayn’s words are slurred, tumbling out of his mouth and bouncing off of each other on the way out. “Yeah. I think, Liam, that you should come, too. And Harry. And then we’ll all be together forever.”
Liam laughs, and then Zayn is pressing up against his back again, curling behind him and pushing his leg into the space between Liam’s. He circles an arm around Liam’s waist and Liam feels the heat of him all over, everywhere.
“I’ll miss you too,” Liam breathes, because those are the only words he remembers right now, with Zayn’s mouth brushing against his neck like that.
“I think Lou and Haz are shagging,” Zayn says, voice full of laughter.
“I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Zayn lets out a laugh that’s too loud against the silence and Liam smiles at the sound, but he feels like his heart’s beating on his tongue. Zayn rubs small circles over Liam’s lower belly, just friendly, the same way he always does when they’re falling asleep together, but then he’s asking, “Have you ever thought you’re gay?”
His voice is all light and thoughtful, it’s just curious, and Liam can’t breathe.
A cold sweat breaks out all over him—there’s a rush of nerves, his heart flipping over in his chest, and he swallows once. Hard. “I dunno,” he says, his voice low.
And he’s lying, he knows, but he can’t say yes.
It’s quiet for a long time after that.
Liam has to work to stay still, because Zayn’s still pressed against his back and the space between them is filled with heat.
Before Liam can think anything else, Zayn’s shifting, pushing himself up and towards Liam, nudging Liam onto his back—hovering, hovering, hovering, and then suddenly he’s inches away from Liam’s face, the breath falling out of his mouth tasting like honey and smoke. His gaze is steady, fuzzy with alcohol but still strong, still there, dark and full of sleepiness and warmth. “Hey,” he says, and there’s a beat of silence before he’s lowering down, dragging his mouth along Liam’s jaw, hot and wet and bad, this is bad, because Zayn’s drunk and he’ll hate Liam for this when the sun comes up over the trees to shine light over all of his mistakes.
And yeah, Liam thinks this, but he can’t move—he tilts his head back a little, mouth falling open with a small sound. Zayn moves up, nosing along the line of Liam’s neck, pressing an open mouthed kiss there that burns through skin, and then another one, lower, a hot drag of mouth and tongue and teeth against collarbone.
“We could build a house, you and me,” Zayn says, the words blurred around the edges as he moves back up, kissing the dip of Louis’ chin. “Out of wood. We could live right by the lake, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Liam nods, breathing heavy.
“And I’ll make you a boat and paint it red, ‘cause I think you’d like that,” Zayn grins, his breath puffing warm against Liam’s neck.
And then Liam tilts his face down as Zayn tilts his up and shit, Zayn’s teeth catch on Liam’s lower lip—the heat of it spins through Liam’s whole body, his heartbeat pounding at his temples in a rush. Zayn’s hands are scratching up Liam’s sides now, beneath his shirt, and Liam can’t stop himself from arching his hips up into Zayn’s. Liam moans into Zayn’s mouth and Zayn whimpers a little, the sound so hot that Liam thinks he could cry.
He feels drunk and desperate and so awake as Zayn pulls away a little to nose at Liam’s jaw—lowers down to his throat, then back up, bumping their noses together, nearly kissing Liam’s mouth. All of this and then pulling back, like a wave. Staring at Liam with eyes blown wide. Dipping back in, just a little, before pulling away again, like he’s trying to get Liam to move, to do something. To touch him.
Liam’s heart squeezes once, painful from how much love’s in him, and then he surges up a little, finding Zayn in the moonlit dark.
The first brush of their mouths is a shared breath—sweet and warm. Liam sighs high and slides his tongue under Zayn’s, feeling so around, so turned on he can’t breathe, and Zayn’s kissing back, so he’s confused, but Zayn’s kissing back, so that’s all that matters. Wind is still singing loud outside the tent—the sound leaves and branches and nature all crashing together—and Liam’s mind is blank, just a shit of static, because Zayn’s kissing back. Licking at the corner of Liam’s mouth, at Liam’s tongue, Liam’s teeth. Their hips roll together and Liam blinks his eyes shut, seeing stars and oceans and things that live longer than life. Something dangerous flashes down his spine when Zayn’s fingers curl around his throat, tilting his head back, away. His mouth is red and swollen and Liam’s dizzy at the sight of it. Zayn’s hovering over him again, their faces inches apart, their movements slowing down. Zayn says, “Hey,” again, but this time his voice is broken, all kissed out.
Liam swallows, head thudding back against his pillow. “Shit. Sorry,” He says, quickly, because shit—he just kissed Zayn. He just kissed one of his best mates and now everything’s changed, hasn’t it? Good or bad, he doesn’t know, but everything’s changed. His heart skips fast. “I didn’t mean…I didn’t. You’re drunk. I’m sorry.”
He expects Zayn to get angry or something but—but he doesn’t.
His eyes are soft, nearly black in the blue-tinged dark, and his hand is still on Liam’s throat. Zayn shifts his fingers, sliding them back so his fingers are pressed against the space beneath Liam’s ear, thumb rising up and rubbing over Liam’s bottom lip. “I know who you are,” He murmurs, and he sounds like he’s nearly back to himself, like the kiss maybe dragged the drunkenness right out of him. “And I know what I just did.”
Zayn’s thumb slips into Liam’s mouth, wiping at the tip of his tongue, and Liam’s eyes flutter shut but his mind’s still tripping over what Zayn just said; I know what I just did.
As in, I won’t regret you.
As in, I wanted to put my mouth on yours.
Liam nods, says, “Okay.” His teeth scrape over Zayn’s thumb, and then Zayn’s smiling as he rolls off of Liam’s body, the heat of him disappearing for a moment before coming back as he curls up beside Liam, his face pressed up against Liam’s neck. He exhales against the skin there, throwing his arm across Liam’s chest and sliding his hand over the side of Liam’s face like he’s trying to bring them closer together. Both of them are breathing hard, ragged, and Zayn’s knees brush Liam’s thigh beneath the blankets and okay, okay. This is right. This is good.
Outside, the wind grows louder, and the sound washes over Liam like rain.
-
They go down to the lake the next morning, right after packing up their tents and blankets and throwing everything into the back of Zayn’s truck—and then they take off into the words, racing through the trees with bare feet. down at the water, everything is green, green, green.
The sky, though, the sky is all pale blue.
Liam squints against the sunlight as he looks out across the water. The waves are just a slow trickle today, the sound lulling him to a state where he’s half asleep.
He rolls over onto his back with a sigh, limbs spreading out wide on the dock. The wooden boards beneath him dig into his back and he can’t stop thinking about Zayn, and how last night in the blue darkness of the tent it was Zayn’s fingers digging into his neck.
Just Zayn, everywhere. Zayn all over.
The thing is, he doesn’t know where last night puts them. When he’d woke up this morning Zayn had already been gone, already out by the dead bonfire with the rest of the boys. So it’s not like Liam could ask him about it then and he can’t help but wonder if maybe Zayn doesn’t want to talk about it, or think about it, if he wants to pretend it just didn’t happen. It makes sense, right, because Zayn was drunk and probably out of his mind and—
Stopping himself, Liam works to push the thoughts of Zayn out of his head.
The sun is hazy and gold overhead and all the leaves look like they’re haloed in light. Tiny birds dart everywhere, from tree to tree, branch to branch, and Liam watches for a while before his eyes slip shut and he just listens instead.
Listens to the slow stillness of the waves and the chirping of the wild, the rustling of the forest.
Yeah, it’s a day that feels half-baked and even though he tries, he still can’t stop thinking about Zayn.
About his hands and his mouth, his hot drag of lips, his voice all rough and broken, and his eyes, his eyes, all blown out with alcohol.
“Liam?”
The word is like an arrow, shooting through his thoughts and making his eyes blink open, because that voice, that voice belongs to Zayn. Suddenly, Liam’s heart is beating in his throat as he sits up, back facing the water.
Zayn’s standing on the other end of the dock, and he’s close but he’s faraway, too. Liam’s not even sure how that works. For a second they don’t speak and Liam’s head is all full of static or moss and Zayn’s only a few feet away, but he it seems like miles, somehow, like someone you can only make out the edges of, a silhouette in the middle of a snowstorm.
Then Liam finds his voice. “Oh,” He says, “Hey.”
Zayn seems to take this as an okay to come closer. The wooden boards of the dock creak beneath his weight as he does, sunlight making him glow.
Liam swallows, shifting over a little and facing the water, letting his knotted fingers fall into his lap. Zayn sits down beside him, crossing his legs.
Crickets sing into the silence.
Zayn clears his throat and they don’t look at each other—at least, not at the same time. Liam catches clips of Zayn as he stares out at the lake but always looks away before Zayn can catch him. “You alright?” Zayn asks, and Liam feels his gaze of the side of his face. Trailing, trailing, trailing. Like he’s trying to find something there. “I didn’t really see you this morning, I—I couldn’t ask.”
Liam looks over at Zayn with a smile, trying to act normal. Trying to act the way a best mate should. “Yeah, I’m good. Sad that we’re leaving soon, though.” Zayn’s eyes flicker between Liam’s for moment and it takes everything not to look away, to try to hide from the questions, but Liam just smiles again and furrows his eyebrows. “Why?” He asks, even though he already knows. “Are you alright, Zayn?”
Zayn nods, licking his lips and turning his head to face the water again. “Yeah, I’m good, too,” He says, sliding his hands down his thighs. Gold sunlight makes him shine and Liam, even with what’s happened, wants to kiss him.
They’re both silent for a while after that. Crickets sing into the quiet and Liam feels wound up, trembling with a certain nervousness, a certain wishing that they could just forget it ever happened because it would be so much easier than this, this awkward knowing.
And okay, yeah, he wants Zayn but that doesn’t mean Zayn wants him back. People do things when they’re drunk, they say things, and sometimes the things they say and do don’t mean anything.
“Liam—” Zayn says, voice coming out confused. He pauses for a moment before continuing when Liam looks at him. “You know I kissed you last night, then.”
Liam nods, doesn’t know what else to do. “Yeah.”
Zayn’s eyebrows furrow, “You know?”
Liam nods again. “Yeah.”
“Right,” Zayn says, and he says it in a way that Liam feels the need to explain. Explain what, he doesn’t know. Just explain. Just say something.
He shrugs, wishing he didn’t have to say this when all he really wants to say is kiss me again. “I just—figured, you know—you’d want to forget about it or something.”
Zayn laughs, a short sound as he shakes his head, wiping a hand over his mouth. “I couldn’t forget. Not that.”
The day grows brighter, suddenly, a spectrum of gold and green and blue, and Liam doesn’t quite understand what he just heard but his heart is beating fast anyways, skipping the way deer do through mossy meadows. He stays still as Zayn turns to look at him, brown eyes trailing over his face for just a second before he starts to lean in.
He moves slow, giving Liam an out, but Liam doesn’t want it. His hands shake in his lap as Zayn stops just inches from his face, his breath falling onto Liam’s mouth. Stare flickering down, then up, then down, then up. Asking.
Liam doesn’t move. Answering.
They keep their eyes wide open for the first touch—Zayn presses his closed mouth to Liam’s just once, a warm pressure, before he pulls back only a little bit. Eyes asking questions again.
Liam’s breath is rattling like a bird somewhere in his lungs and this time, he leans in first and Zayn opens up for him. This time, the world takes off—the sky and the trees and the lake all stepping back, all disappearing, and it’s just the two of them beneath a blanket of gold lighten, burning, burning, burning, brighter than the sun.
-
The sky is only just beginning to darken when it starts to rain.
Liam laughs, tilting his face up towards the sky, and the rain falls down in misty sheets, washing cold over his face and skin. Zayn laughs and the other boys laugh, too, all of them jumping back into the water and letting the storm drench their hair and bones.
Everything is white and green and hazy, and Liam is in love.
-
In the purple haze of darkness, the sound of rain and wind seems much louder as it washes over them. Beads of water pelt against the windows and roof of Zayn’s van and it’s so warm here, in the back with all the seats folded down, with all of them tangled up together in a sea of sleeping bags and pillows—well, three of them, Zayn and Liam wide awake while Niall’s snores are lost to the storm.
Louis’ sitting in the driver’s seat and Harry’s squeezed in beside him even though there’s an empty spot right next to them, and Louis’ got his arm slung over Harry’s shoulder, keeping him close.
Shadows steal away their features and they whisper to each other in secret and not for the first time, Liam wonders when they’ll figure it out. On the other side of the windshield, the trees look like dark brushstrokes. Moonlight slips through the glass and silhouettes everything silver. Lightning flashes, once, brightening the world before they’re plunged into a blackness that’s soft, somehow.
The falling rain shines like glitter.
Liam shifts, his head somewhere near Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn’s arm is curled around Liam, fingers pressing against the dip of his hip—the touch lost beneath their blankets—and the warmth of his skin bleeds through Liam’s knitted sweater, heating him up. And there’s Zayn’s breath ruffling Liam’s hair, puffing out over his ear, and then Liam’s tilting his face up without thinking about it, mouth brushing over the edge of Zayn’s jaw.
Because Zayn’s going to be leaving soon and all they’ll have is letters and phone calls, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have right now.
He feels Zayn smile and shift and then he’s looking down at Liam, eyes bright in the dark. The moonlight coming in through all the windows catches in his hair, turning it silver.
“I like you,” Liam mouths, smiling.
Zayn’s smiles back for a split second before his expression falters, smoothing out into one that looks sad. His hand has found Liam’s face and he’s brushing a thumb across his temple, back and forth, back and forth, the way sea water crests over a shoreline.
Liam stills, eyebrows furrowing, but then Zayn’s leaning in and his lips are a warm ghost against Liam’s forehead. “I’m going to miss you,” He whispers, the words only for Liam, and then he’s pulling Liam closer, his mouth feeling hot to the touch against Liam’s skin.
Thunder cracks through the sky somewhere, beyond the forest and this gentle darkness. Sleep’s tugging at Liam, pulling him away from Zayn, but his heart’s fluttering in his chest, pushing back the dreams and the blackness and the tiredness clouding his mind just long enough for him to feel the brush of Zayn’s mouth on his.
And then he’s slipping away, falling back into sleep with this moment curling back on itself like a flower.
When he blinks awake the next morning, the sky is heavy with fog and everything smells like rain. They don’t even put the seats back up—Zayn and Liam just move into the front, Harry and Louis moving to the back, and this time, as Zayn drives them through a tunnel of leaves that’s all gold and green, green, green, his fingers finding the nape of Liam’s neck and curling there, Liam—
Well, Liam smiles.
He inhales, he exhales, and he thinks that yeah, him and his boys are going to be just fine.