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Ilya felt so much, he could feel it from the second Shane walked through the door. He felt it as Shane lashed out on him in the bathroom. He didn’t want to ghost Shane for six months, he felt like he had to. Ilya was scared. He was afraid to let himself feel any bit of happiness again. That if he allowed himself to feel anything more than pain it would be ripped away from him again. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t allow that. So he ran, as far as he possibly could. He distanced himself, denying himself from feeling any sort of happiness.
Seeing Shane in the bathroom changed something in him, there was a glimmer of hope that spread through his body. He couldn’t resist himself, he had to touch Shane. It was gravity pulling the both of them together, like a meteor coming down to earth. There was no way of stopping it. Ilya didn’t want to stop it. And Shane— god— Shane was everything Ilya could’ve needed in that moment. But he knew— he knew that couldn’t last. He needed to snap out of it, he needed to fight every single urge in his body.
That’s how they ended up in this predicament. Ilya knew he couldn’t touch him, that he’d give too much away. That Shane would be able to figure it out, and catch on. That another person Ilya cared deeply for would be just another person of his past. He denied himself any touch, any softness. Shane was here for a hookup, he’d treat it like that. No kissing, no touching, he’d force himself to follow these rules even though he so desperately wanted to pull Shane close and kiss him like he was the last person in the world.
Ilya had a good poker face, he had years of practice. Having to walk on egg shells around your whole family gave you an advantage in that sense. He appeared cold on the outside, but there was a fire burning on the inside. A fire that needed to escape, but Ilya knew couldn’t escape. He could sense Shane’s sadness, he just couldn’t put a finger on why he would be sad.
The room was dark and somber after Shane left, the air felt heavy. Like there was darkness brewing and stirring through every single movement. Ilya could feel it growing as he sat there on the empty bed— alone. The silence was overwhelming, he could hear the thump of his heart. The pitter patter as the muscle contracted. The salvia in his mouth began to dry, a lump in his throat making it feel like he couldn’t breathe. He was trying so hard not to feel that his emotions seem to be going haywire now. That they don’t seem to know what to do. Ilya knows one thing for certain, a thought that’s burning a hole in his head, and his heart. He should’ve kissed him.
It was so silly. Ilya knew that. It was so beyond silly. He just couldn’t shake the feeling of dread, the feeling of regret. He regretted not kissing him. He regrets letting his mind dictate his actions and deprive him from happiness.
“I should’ve kissed you, Hollander” Ilya muttered to himself, wiping the stray tears that fell from his eyes. Because now, he had to go back to Russia with the regret of not kissing him. God. He was so stupid.
His phone dinging and lighting up snapped him out of his trance, he figured it was one of his teammates. When he looked at his phone, a message from Jane popped up. He was surprised, almost speechless actually. It read “We didn’t even kiss,” it shocked Ilya the most. Was Shane feeling the same way? Did Shane have this burning hole that felt like he was being eaten alive too?
Ilya couldn’t even fully process the text, he didn’t even respond. He was just up, and moving. He needed to find his clothes. Fuck. Where were his fucking clothes? The one time he wished he hadn’t just thrown them aimlessly around the room. He needed to get to Shane before he was gone, before he got to his room. He didn’t even know what room Shane was in, let alone the floor. This hotel was huge, he’d never find him, he’d be pacing the floors looking like an idiot.
He grabbed whatever he could find, there was a white v-neck sitting on the floor, he didn’t even know where that came from, and he was pulling his jeans over his legs, finding them sitting on the floor at the edge of the bed. He was sure he looked a mess, all the clothes were wrinkled, if anyone was smart enough, they’d be able to tell exactly what was going on. Ilya didn’t care. Shane was the only thing on his mind.
He was pretty sure he’d been making a ruckus. The pacing around his hotel room, aggressively searching the room for his clothes. He didn’t even have shoes on. He was whipping the door open, a lot louder than he had meant to. And he completely forgot he didn’t have shoes on. He was halfway down the hall when he looked down at his feet and his feet were bare, only covered in socks. Because he remembered to put those on at least. It was too late, he didn’t have time to turn around, he didn’t even have his phone in his hand. He couldn’t even see the time. Or how long ago Shane had sent the text. Maybe that would’ve been a good idea to look at before flying out the room.
There was a loud ding, he was pretty sure it was the elevator, but there was no way it could’ve been Shane, right? The concept of time left Ilya’s body a long time ago but he was fairly sure he would’ve been on the elevator and gone around. Ilya didn’t even know what he was doing, or why he was doing this. It was so risky. He knew that. He just didn’t care. And the elevator came into view, and it was no one other than Shane Hollander.
Ilya didn’t even think before he was throwing himself between the elevator door, causing it to not be able to close. This was insane. He was being fucking insane. What was he even going to say? What was the plan moving on from this? There wasn’t a thought in his head that he’d get this far, he didn’t even know what to say to him. Ilya knew he had to act quick though, Shane’s eyes were red, it looked like he’d been crying. He wanted to run into his arms and hug him, but that would defeat the point of all this.
“You forgot something in hotel room,” He spoke, his words shaking, it was so low, Ilya didn’t even know if Shane would’ve caught what he said. He couldn’t bring himself to speak any louder, he knew if he did his voice would crack and the tears would come spilling out.
Shane sighed, he could see the way his chest contracted, the way he licked his lips, nervously. Ilya tried to avoid staring, but he was hyperfocused on Shane’s pretty lips, and how he would’ve been so angry at himself if he didn’t kiss them. He almost missed what Shane said because he was so distracted.
“Where is it?” Shane asked, and of course he would ask, why would he have run out here chasing after him but not have what Shane forgot. The problem was, what Shane forgot wasn’t an item, it wasn’t something tangible.
“I did not bring it,” Ilya started, he knew this next step was going to be risky, Shane might not even fall for it. And that would leave Ilya here looking like an idiot. “You come get it,” And he was walking back to his hotel room. He could hear the footsteps behind him, he looked back and saw Shane trailing behind him. He wanted to pretend to be shocked, but he wasn’t.
Once they were safe back in the room, Ilya could see something in Shane’s eyes, it looked like panic— fear. Like he was scanning the room over and over again to make sure he wasn’t being punked. Ilya hoped that Shane knew he would never do that to him. He would never put him in a position like that. He felt too strongly about him to do that.
“Where is it?” Shane spoke. His voice cracked, he was stumbling over his words. Ilya could hear how nervous he was. He couldn’t focus on anything else but that.
“Where is what?” Ilya forgot for a moment why Shane was here, he forgot that he’d told Shane something was left behind. It was a lie, nothing was left behind. It wasn’t something Ilya could hand over to Shane, saying, “here you left this.” It was so much deeper than that. It was so much more complex than that.
Shane looked confused, his eyebrows furrowed, he was squinting like he was trying to read Ilya’s words. He noticed that Shane did that a lot, especially if something was said he couldn’t understand or was over analyzing.
“What I forgot,” he heard Shane say, and in that moment Ilya needed to be brave. He decided that starting today, he was going to be brave.
Before he could even fully process what was going on, he was saying “This,” and crowding Shane up against the wall and kissing him with so much passion. Maybe too much passion, but Ilya didn’t care. He wanted Shane, so bad. He wanted to taste him again— feel his lips on his. And it was so sweet, so so sweet. Ilya would prefer this over a pack of cigarettes any day. He was holding onto Shane’s cheek like his life depended on it, and he just kissed him, like nothing else mattered.
Ilya needed air, that was the only reason he pulled away, that sucked the air right out of him, he was breathless. Shane was breathtakingly beautiful. He put his forehead up against Shane’s. They never did things like this, he wasn’t going to complain though, there was nothing to complain about. He was exactly where he wanted to be.
“What?” Shane squeaked out.
“You text,” Ilya whispered, his thumb rubbing circles on Shane’s cheek.
“I didn’t mean to send it. Was just in my head.” Shane closed his eyes, he could tell that Shane was embarrassed. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, especially since Ilya was feeling the same way. Though, Shane didn’t know that.
“Did not want to leave for home without kissing you,” Ilya opted for the softer response, instead of his typical sarcasm. He pressed a light kiss to Shane’s mouth again. It was soft. He wasn’t trying to kiss him to get him in bed, it was a kiss so Shane knew he was being sweet. That was something Ilya never did. It was scary, but he’d push through the scary things for Shane.
“Did you run after me?” Shane asked, and Ilya wasn’t surprised about that. He knew Shane. That he needed answers spelled out for him sometimes.
“Da,” Ilya blushed, he could feel his cheeks starting to go red as he kissed Shane. The blushing was new, this wasn’t like him. He never was soft on anyone like this. Shane made him soft, made him want to be soft. He was grinning like an idiot.
“Could not leave you unsatisfied,” He smirked, it was small banter.
"You’re such an asshole,” Shane giggled, Ilya swears he heard the man giggle. He felt like his heart was on fire. Like he was going to explode any second now. He felt Shane slightly push him.
“You like it,” Ilya pushed back on his shoulders slightly.
“Do you want to leave still?” Ilya knew the answer. But he wanted it to change. He wanted Shane to stay. He wanted to wake up with him. He knew he couldn’t though. Part of him thought maybe if he asked again it could change it. He knew that was unrealistic.
“You know I have too,” Shane whispered, this time he was being kissed by Shane. It felt like “I want to so badly but you know we can’t.” That was what Ilya was choosing to believe it was.
“I’ll see you soon then Hollander?” Ilya’s voice cracked. He was going to go home, back to Russia. He needed Shane to be out of his head. It wasn’t safe for them there. He knew the whole time that brown eyed freckled boy would be on his mind.
“Yeah soon,” Shane spoke, before nuzzling his face into Ilya’s neck. Ilya could’ve kept him here forever. He felt the press of Shane’s lips to the side of his neck. His heart jumped to the feeling of it. It was doing flip flops inside his body. And then Shane was gone. Ilya was left here alone again.
He grabbed his phone without thinking, sending a text to Shane, Had fun tonight. Hope you are satisfied now. Will see you soon.
What he really wanted to say was, “I wish you could’ve stayed. I wish I could have you all to myself.”
His phone lit up.
Jane
Me too, See you soon Lily.
Ilya pressed his back up against the wall of the door, sliding down till he was sitting. He needed this summer to go fast. What the fuck was he going to do? How was he supposed to go to Russia seeing this way? A silent cry escaped his lips, everything with Shane felt so real, it felt so right. Why was it labeled to everyone else as wrong?