Work Text:
i love you more than the world can contain
in its lonely and ramshackle head
there's only a shadow of me; in a manner of speaking i'm dead
--
hoseok's smile is crystalline.
jimin constantly steps on taehyung's foot, reminding him to eat and continue the conversation, but taehyung can't stop staring at the swollen redness below hoseok's eyes, like he'd been crying just a few moments too long to be fully hidden under layers of bb cream. hoseok shovels food into his mouth, like normal, and cracks stupid jokes, like normal, and talks happily about his choreography, like normal -- but taehyung hasn't been half in love with him for four years just to be deceived by that little.
it's thursday. thursday is the day that hoseok would cut his personal dance practice short to go buy food and bug yoongi until he comes home from the studio early. thursday was their day, and the rest of bangtan were simply glad to have the both of them in the dorms at a reasonable time.
yoongi likes ginger chicken. there is an awful lot of ginger chicken in the food that hoseok is offering them.
maybe it's the brittleness of hoseok's smile, or taehyung's own lonely broken heart, but he doesn't voice his thoughts. he eats with a smile, talking to hoseok as much as he can, teasing jimin until the other boy snaps and lunges at him with dirty chopsticks and death in his eyes. hoseok giggles at their antics, face brightening, and taehyung pushes it just to see him happy again. jimin catches on not a moment too soon, and soon they're both rough-housing it out to the sound of hoseok's laughter.
namjoon and seokjin stumble through the door and scold them for making such a ruckus, but hoseok's smile is worth it all.
yoongi comes home late. taehyung is just about awake, scrolling through twitter on his phone, when he hears the front door crack open and the sound of shuffling footsteps. he automatically glances down his bunk, where hoseok is curled onto his side with damp hair and his phone cradled in his hand.
hoseok looks like he's sleeping, or maybe he's crying, but taehyung can't tell with the dark.
--
the week stretches on, longer than anything taehyung's experienced before.
hoseok is weird about yoongi now. they don't talk as much as they used to, and hardly touch. it's odd because hoseok is the one person in the group that yoongi actually deigns to throw an arm over. now, when yoongi does it, hoseok clams up, and his smile is so decidedly not-okay that taehyung sees yoongi pulling away a half-second after he'd done it.
however hoseok does seek taehyung out. taehyung, and jimin, and jungkook -- but taehyung is in love and dumb enough that he'll be fine with deluding himself that he's special. hoseok comes to him and teases him cheerfully and plays with his hair, letting taehyung lie in his lap and make grabby hands at his phone. he coos at taehyung and pats his cheek gently and generally does the sort of things that makes taehyung's heart soar.
and maybe, if taehyung pulls him away from yoongi more than once, distracting his attention from the older rapper just because- that's his sin to never confess.
yoongi looks confused at the start of the week, then pissed near the middle, then ends up the sort of determined detachment that meant that he'll probably pull hoseok away to talk about it, just like adults. love isn't as rational as all that though. taehyung wishes him luck, but the heartbreak in hoseok's eyes is just starting to let up a little, and selfishly taehyung wants him to fix himself before he goes running back to yoongi.
it doesn't take a genius to guess why hoseok got so upset, though. everyone knows yoongi is working really hard on his mix-tape in his typical workaholic ways, but he's also recently needed a female voice to guest on one of his tracks. he managed to get a friend of his, a pretty, elegant woman by the name of kim chaewon, and even though her part in the song is recorded, she never really left. now she's helping yoongi with the rest of the tracks as well. namjoon teases him constantly about having her in the cramped studio.
hoseok's laughter, during those teasing jabs, are always a note or two away from natural.
taehyung doesn't really have to guess what happened. he faces it himself, when he passes by yoongi's studio on his way out of the company building, and he sees chaewon draped over the back of yoongi's chair, her dark hair spilling over her back -- gorgeous legs, gorgeous body, gorgeous everything. he can imagine hoseok coming up to the room with take-out in hand and stopping short at the sight.
he can imagine heartbreak. it's not an unfamiliar concept to him.
so he's not kind enough to clue yoongi in on why hoseok suddenly seems so distant from him. he's not the martyr -- not as kind as jimin to always do the best thing, not as righteous as jungkook to always do the right thing. he soaks in hoseok's company and attention, and hopes that maybe one day hoseok would look back at him too.
--
"hey, hobi?"
the music thrumming through the studio has a heavy enough bass that the ground shakes with every beat. yoongi watches hoseok jolt to a stop, turning around with an adorably confused look on his face. when hoseok sees him, a smile spreads over his face, but yoongi isn't stupid and he knows that it's different, somehow. maybe in the way his eyes are guarded.
hoseok sweeps up his hair with a headband, blinking sweat out of his face. "yeah, hyung?" the music pounds through the room, almost deafening, so yoongi opts to step in and switch off the stereo. they need to talk without distractions.
"i just needed to talk to you. do you mind?"
hoseok grins at him, quick and flashing. "you've already come in and interrupted my practice, hyung. i don't think you really need to ask that question."
yoongi swats at him. "yah. brat."
he settles on the hardwood floor, crossing his legs beneath himself, as hoseok collapses with all the grace of a broken clothes-rack. he normally moves with the grace expected from a dancer, but when he's tired he's no different than an awkward gangly colt just learning to walk. yoongi finds himself smiling as he watches hoseok sprawl out of the ground, groaning with relief at the feeling of the cool floor against his skin.
after a second or two of adjusting, hoseok's found a suitably comfortable position to lie in, and he props his head up with an elbow. "so...?"
"oh, yeah." yoongi clears his throat. this is going to be awkward. "i was wondering if you, uh, needed to talk to me about anything."
hoseok's frown is curious. "why would i? did something happen, hyung?"
not with me, yoongi thinks privately, but i'm not as oblivious as the maknaes think i am. "you're- i'll be honest, hobi, you're treating me different. i was wondering why."
he's always been known for speaking his mind. he hopes that it doesn't come across too harsh -- nowhere near the hurt he'd felt when he realised that hoseok hadn't come fetch him on thursdays for two weeks straight.
hoseok's face closes up, his gaze impenetrable. "oh, have i?" he says, his voice still airy. "sorry, hyung. i'm going through some things right now. it's been- difficult."
yoongi leans forward, frowning. it used to be that hoseok would confide in him, tell him about the shit that's been stressing him out. how has it changed? "can you talk about it, or would you rather--"
hoseok shakes his head. his smile could be considered normal to anyone that doesn't pay as much attention to him like yoongi does. "sorry. it's something i need to figure out myself."
"of course."
it doesn't explain why hoseok is talking to taehyung more often, laughing with him, sharing the quiet happiness that used to be yoongi's alone. yoongi ignores the bright spark of hurt in his chest, the automatic fear at the thought that he might get replaced. it's not hoseok's fault. yoongi's never said anything about his feelings -- how could it be hoseok's fault?
it doesn't erase the pain, though. nothing really does.
--
yoongi should have seen it coming.
he shuffles his notebooks, keeping them in a tidy stack at the corner of his desk. the door to his studio is open because he plans to head out to dance practice very soon. chaewon leans her hip against the edge of the table and smiles at him with dark red lips. "yoongi..."
"yeah?" yoongi glances up. he's pretty sure that she needs to get going to a modelling shoot anytime now. he wonders why she keeps hanging around as much as she does.
"i was thinking," chaewon says, "that we could go get dinner together today. after your practice, of course. you like to eat lamb skewers, don't you?"
"uh, yeah," yoongi replies. he's a bit shell-shocked. "chaewon, are you--"
she smiles. it's playful and mischievous, like he's used to, but maybe a bit hopeful at the same time. god, how could he have missed this? "am i asking you out? definitely."
there's the sound of books dropping to the floor in an almighty crash. yoongi swivels his head to the open doorway, his heart sinking to his feet when he sees hoseok scrambling to pick his books back up, a blush stark on his high cheekbones. "oh my god," he mutters, "i'm so sorry, hyung, chaewon-ssi- namjoon told me to give these to you, hyung." hoseok's face is flaming as he thrusts the books at yoongi, who takes them in a daze. "i won't interrupt you two. i- i'm sorry."
he flees without a backward glance, without even looking at yoongi, and yoongi knows he fucked up.
chaewon glances between him and hoseok. "ah," she says at length. "well, you really could have told me, yoongi."
yoongi scrubs a hand over his face. "really? could i?" korea still isn't very welcoming to the concept of something like that- a relationship between two men. admitting it to himself was already a trial and a half.
chaewon leans in and kisses his cheek. yoongi freezes, but she just continues in a warm voice, "of course you could've told me. i don't judge my friends for who they love. i wish i'd known, so i wouldn't have made things more complicated for you and your boy." she pulls back. "i'm so sorry i made things worse. now go fix it."
she makes it sound so easy. yoongi drops the books on the table -- damn namjoon, he didn't have to send hoseok up with them now -- and glances apprehensively at her. "i'm sorry, chaewon. i- i wouldn't be right for you, anyway."
"you're too brooding," she says cheerfully. "but what can you do? girls love a mysterious guy. nothing you can do about it, except to go and chase your boy."
"thanks." yoongi closes the door behind them. he has no idea what he's going to say to hoseok at practice. "uh--"
"you don't have to walk me out," chaewon says. "thank you, and good luck, yoongi."
--
it'll be easier if hoseok even looked at him.
chaewon's wishes of good luck ring in his mind as he methodically gets through dance practice. they're trying a new routine now, a different one to mix things up for the year-end shows, and hoseok is always busy during the breaks with either namjoon or seokjin, walking them carefully through the new steps. it's that or he's with jimin and jungkook, laughing as he does the steps in double-time, or focused when jimin suggests a little improvisation. or he's with taehyung, quiet and happy, smiling.
something in yoongi's chest twangs when he sees that subdued, private smile directed towards the younger boy. taehyung, for his part, looks absolutely ecstatic.
practice ends not a moment too soon, as namjoon basically crashes to the ground the moment their dance teacher calls an end. seokjin follows right after, curling into a ball and moaning in pain.
hoseok laughs as he turns towards them. "how are you feeling?"
"do i even have legs anymore?" namjoon wonders aloud.
"hyung, you gotta stretch," is jungkook's serious addition as he eases himself into a painful-looking split. yoongi actually winces watching him. "or you'll regret it tomorrow."
"seokjin-hyung, i'll help you!" jimin puts his hands on seokjin's shoulders and rubs the knots out. "you need to lean forward and touch your toes--"
"yah, i know how to stretch," seokjin responds, batting him away, but a sweetheart like jimin cannot be deterred for too long. yoongi muffles a snicker as he sees his hyung sigh heavily but let jimin press him into painful stretches anyway.
hoseok looks like he's actually doing something useful, instructing namjoon through some proper stretches to loosen the tight coil of his muscles, but taehyung is perched next to him, leaning on his shoulder, looking just as curious. yoongi doesn't actually have anything against taehyung -- the kid is cute, from daegu, kind of weird but it works for him in the end -- but he can't keep himself from scowling at their closeness.
jungkook is the first one on his feet, apparently done with his splits. "anyone heading back to the dorm?"
"wait for me!" jimin jumps up, pretending not to hear seokjin's low groan of pain.
namjoon gets up, pulling taehyung up as well. hoseok smiles brightly at him as he climbs to his feet. "i'll be going too. there's not much left to do in the studio."
"yoongi?" seokjin turns to him. yoongi feels his scowl freeze onto his face. this is his chance, apparently.
"uh, yeah, but i need to stay for a bit. hoseok, could you help me with a move?"
it's a complete lie, of course, even if yoongi isn't a hundred-percent certain on the dance. he's still competent enough to keep up, and just about focused enough to remember the sequence of the moves. it's the only excuse that wouldn't sound too weird, though, to leave them both alone in an empty dance studio.
hoseok smiles at him. "yeah, sure, hyung! you guys go on first, okay?" he turns to taehyung and ushers him towards seokjin and the rest, already gathering near the door. "we'll be back for dinner, i promise."
"okay, hyung," taehyung says, and then he leaves with the rest of them, the door closing quietly behind him.
hoseok slides towards him with a questioning tilt of his head. "which move didn't you get, hyung? i was watching you during the practice, and i thought you handled yourself all right."
yoongi wonders if he should just pick a move -- maybe the complicated half-step he has to do before a twirl or a jump- or some such shit that he can barely remember even now -- but that seems like dragging on the dishonesty. he just sighs and shakes his head. "no, i didn't hold you back for that."
"oh." hoseok's gaze turns wary. "then what?"
yoongi clears his throat awkwardly. "um, you saw me and chaewon. in the studio."
hoseok nods. his face blanks, an indecipherable mask that yoongi cannot hope to figure out. "yeah, i did. if you wanted me to keep quiet about it, of course i would. i'll never do that to you, hyung." his promise is sweet and heartbreakingly sincere. it's a pity it's for the wrong reason.
"no, that's not it either," yoongi says. "i- i'm not dating her."
hoseok frowns. "but she asked you out. she was interested."
"doesn't mean that i was," yoongi tells him. "i turned her down. we're just friends now, really."
there's a light that flashes in hoseok's eyes, too bright for yoongi to be mistaken, even though it disappears in the next moment. "i don't understand," he admits in a small voice. "why would you turn her down? she's pretty and nice, and good at music too -- she's your ideal type."
yoongi peers at him, chasing the sight of the light. it was there, he's sure. "do you even know what my ideal type is?"
hoseok bites his bottom lip. it's distracting yoongi more than he'll really admit. "didn't you say--"
"it's idol business, hoseokie." yoongi blinks at him. "of course i lied."
hoseok gapes at him, and just when he's about to launch into a diatribe about idol etiquette and being true for the fans -- not that hoseok really sticks to that either, he's not a twenty-four-hour sunshine either -- yoongi takes a chance, leans forward, and presses their lips together.
hoseok freezes up under him. it's the biggest step yoongi's taken off a cliff, but he's not going back.
--
and then hoseok kisses back.
things get good after that. yoongi finds himself on the floor, holding hoseok up as hoseok tries his best to suck the breath from his lungs. he kisses fiercely, aggressive, and it starts a fire under yoongi's skin that he didn't think would actually happen. before long yoongi has to push the other boy away from him before something more unfortunate happens.
"ah, shit," hoseok gasps as he falls backwards. he catches himself with the flats of his palms. "i- taehyung--"
"what's that about taehyung?" yoongi asks. he scrubs the back of his hand over his mouth, but the sensitive thrill of pain from his swollen lips just lights nerve endings all over him.
"he's in love with me," hoseok states, like it's just a fact of nature, as immutable as stone. yoongi stares at him. it's not like he's never guessed, but shit, he didn't think hoseok would be as casual about it as he seems to be.
"are- are you cheating on him right now?"
hoseok looks horrified. "no! we're not actually together!"
yoongi hesitates. the pain in his chest is really the deciding factor in him asking, carefully, "do you... prefer him instead?"
it's not rocket science. taehyung is gorgeous and sweet and lively, more likely to play well with hoseok's own sunshine cheerfulness. he's thoughtful and intelligent and perceptive, and hoseok wouldn't want for anything with him. yoongi is dry and sarcastic and really bad at taking care of himself, much less other people. he hadn't even known that hoseok thought of kim chaewon as competition- or worse, a rival that he had lost to.
hoseok struggles for words for a moment, and finally gives up with a sigh. "i don't mean that," he says quietly, shaking his head. "i just- don't know."
yoongi touches his lips for a second. hoseok kissed him back. that was fact too, as immutable as stone. "then i think you need to figure things out," he replies slowly. "before things get serious."
hoseok peeks at him, apprehensive. "w- would you want things to get serious, hyung?"
yoongi shrugs. "i don't fuck around with people for fun, hobi."
"of course not," hoseok says. he rubs a hand over his face. "i'm sorry. i'll think about things and- get back to you?"
it sounds so ridiculously formal for something as simple and instinctive as a love confession. yoongi laughs and hoseok brightens up.
he's beaming even more when yoongi presses a softer kiss to his mouth, just to remind him what he could have.
(it's not really a matter of taehyung against him, but- it really is. yoongi tries not to think too hard about it. it's not his choice, in the end.)
--
it's a hard issue to break. yoongi recognises this, and so he also recognises that he probably should keep his hands off hoseok for a few weeks, just to make sure things blow over easy. it's hard though, especially when hoseok insists on floating around all pretty and cheerful with his bright smile begging to be kissed. he's magnetic in a way that yoongi's never really experienced before, not with his limited romantic experience. guiltily, yoongi writes three songs about him and stows them all away in his notebook.
taehyung still hangs over him. it's more obvious than yoongi had thought, now that he's paying attention. taehyung looks at hoseok like he hung the stars -- it's a look that yoongi can relate to more than he really thinks. hoseok touches him carefully, gently, always with that fond look on his face, and yoongi hopes that this doesn't mean- things for him.
(but it's taehyung, after all -- cute, eccentric boy with a gorgeous face and enough affection to be swallowed up by. yoongi would not blame hoseok. he would never.)
"yoongi-hyung?" it's thursday again, and hoseok pokes his head through the studio door, his gaze lighting on yoongi and face blossoming into a smile. "seokjin-hyung says that he cooked, so you should get back for dinner."
yoongi slips the headphones off his head. he carefully tucks his latest notebook under his arm -- it's a sweet baby blue, a thoughtful gift from jimin when he noticed that yoongi's moleskine was starting to peel at the corners. there are lyrics in there that trace the shape of hoseok's grin, the fall of his soft hair, the small dimples set in the corners of his mouth. it's been a phase. yoongi knows he can use practically none of them for the album.
"did you do a lot, hyung?" hoseok asks conversationally as he helps yoongi with his bag and his coat. "you've been in here since the morning."
yoongi blinks at the clock, unseeing. he hadn't realised. now that he thinks about it, he's kind of hungry too. "i didn't do that much," he says. "just finished up a track, and some lyrics."
hoseok's smile is sweet when he looks at yoongi in encouragement. "i bet it's a really good track. using it for the mixtape?"
yoongi thinks about it. rapping about hoseok on his mixtape seems like an entire bucket of worms he doesn't want to get into, but the lyrics aren't bad. they might even be good, something like his precious let me know, except with significantly less heartache and significantly more pining. the fans would love it. hoseok would love it.
"it might go on the mixtape," yoongi allows. "if that shit ever comes out."
hoseok laughs. "you're ready, hyung, you know that. it just depends on when you wanna do it."
the conversation lulls to a stop as they get to the dorms, maybe an unspoken signal. yoongi knows that he can't raise anything too heavy, not this close to the rest of their members. definitely nothing like have you asked taehyung yet or even how do you feel.
hoseok's smile is drifting, airy, like a good breeze could blow it away. fragile.
they enter the dorm to a burst of loud laughter. jimin has trapped the maknae against the couch, doing something aggressive that involves a lot of flailing and ineffectual screaming, and yoongi takes it like the bratty maknae had probably overstepped his tenuous bounds again. taehyung laughs brightly from the floor, his hair tousled like he'd been the losing party in an intense wrestling contest. from the kitchen, seokjin's soft singing is barely audible. namjoon comes out from the bathroom, his face set into a stern frown, probably to tell off the younger ones for making so much noise.
it feels a little (a lot) like home.
"ah, hyungs!" jimin and taehyung chorus, forever in sync. jungkook turns towards them and does something that is the approximate of a nod and a half-bow, which is the most polite he really can be when he's intent on escaping as jimin's fleeting attention is diverted. taehyung collapses back into giggles when jungkook vaults jimin and hurtles towards the kitchen, jimin following after him in a split second, always quick on the draw.
"you two!" namjoon calls. "settle down!"
"oh, don't bother," hoseok snickers. "did you feed them too much caffeine or something?"
"sugar," namjoon says darkly. "seokjin brought cupcakes home."
"suga," hoseok mutters, like a five-year-old, and then elbows yoongi.
yoongi turns to him, patently unimpressed. the twitching of hoseok's mouth still softens the edge of his scowl though.
still, the maknaes on a sugar high is a formidable thing to come home to, and namjoon acknowledges that, wading into the chaos with the look of a well-weathered, grim soldier. he separates jimin and jungkook -- silencing jimin with a quiet look, and automatically jimin concedes without much of a fight -- and with hoseok's help, manages to corral all three of them into the kitchen, where the food awaits. yoongi trails after them, trying to keep the smile off his face.
"food!" seokjin says happily, ladling out the last of the pan onto a clean plate. "joon-ah, you managed to get them here, good job."
namjoon squints at him. "you didn't help, hyung."
"i was cooking," seokjin says, in that light tone that threatens violent punishment if namjoon dared to defy him. namjoon isn't stupid, and he backs down relatively quickly, looking wary. in reward, he gets the first plate.
it's ridiculous, just domestic disputes and the clean, homely scent of seokjin's cooking permeding the air, but yoongi can't stop himself smiling.
--
the next day is a free one. yoongi chooses to go to the company building and work on his mixtape -- because of course he does. when he announces his plans at breakfast, no one looks surprised.
seokjin ruffles his hair as he passes by with the greasy bacon he'd just cooked. "don't stay too late," he instructs, but there's a note in his voice that hints at his resigned acceptance of yoongi's workaholicism. yoongi bats his hand away and scowls, and he'll never admit it, but he likes seokjin babying everyone the same way. he trusts and depends on yoongi way more than jungkook, for example, but he still lavishes the same sort of motherly attention.
it makes yoongi think of home.
"how is yoongi-hyung not going to stay late, he always stays late," jimin mutters, but he shoots his signature smile in response to yoongi's frown. yoongi is softer for that than he would really admit. "hyung, don't overwork yourself, okay? namjoon-hyung freaked out the last time you passed out in the studio."
"i didn't freak out," namjoon says. "i- uh--"
"freaked out," seokjin says patiently, patting him on the shoulder. he places a plate of toast in front of them. "hoseokie, are you going to the dance studio today?" he asks, watching as hoseok shuffles into their tiny kitchen in a worn tank top and sweatpants that threaten to fall off his hips. hoseok lifts his head and rubs at his eyes, but his smile is sweet and sincere.
"yeah, i think i am. gotta work on new choreo today."
"you work too hard," seokjin tuts. "okay then. make sure yoongi here eats his lunch, okay? i think i'm taking the maknaes out, and joon-ah is going to relax at home."
"i bought a book," namjoon says, entirely solemnly.
"we're going out, hyung?" jimin asks, peering up at seokjin with excitement barely suppressed on his face.
"you need new underwear," seokjin deadpans.
jimin screws his face up in embarrassment and disgust. "hyung!"
hoseok laughs and flops over jimin affectionately. jimin squirms and whines as he tries to get out of the trap of hoseok's arms, but hoseok is stubborn. "don't talk to your hyung that way, jiminie," he grins, poking at jimin's swollen cheeks. "what did you eat yesterday night? you're puffy. it's so cute."
"yah, hoseokie-hyung," jimin groans. yoongi watches them both contently, ignoring the shock of something that blooms in his chest when he sees hoseok interact with jimin so fondly. park jimin would be good for hoseok, yoongi thinks. he's sweet and kind and cares entirely too much, all the time, and hoseok would be in great hands if he ever decided to--
"hyung, you made bacon!" taehyung's delight rings out, and he appears in front of them in a flash, diving for the plate of greasy bacon. namjoon makes a startled sound and pulls it away before he barrels into the table. taehyung instantly pouts and starts pawing at namjoon, puppy eyes in full force.
"you're awake," yoongi notes dryly. the other reason why hoseok deserves to be with someone else that is not him. even in the morning, with bleary sleep-crinkled eyes and a make-up-less face, taehyung still looks pristine.
"you can have some of mine," jimin offers.
taehyung brightens up. "really? thanks, jiminie!" he goes to cuddle his best friend, and hoseok has to put his hand over his mouth to muffle his snickers.
"why's everyone so loud," a grumpy voice comes from the doorway, and everyone turns to peer at jungkook, sleep-tousled and scowling.
"manners," seokjin says matter-of-factly.
"sorry, hyung," jungkook yawns, obliging, though yoongi is pretty sure that's only because seokjin cooks and controls the food. he shuffles two steps into the kitchen before jimin is plopping down on him, curling his arms around jungkook's neck. taehyung latches onto his right arm.
namjoon watches with barely concealed horror and fascination. "you can go ahead and take the maknaes out, seokjin-hyung," he says.
seokjin looks pale. "who gave them sugar anyway?" he mutters. "fuck."
--
it's slightly cold out when they walk out of the dorms, winter reaching its drafty hands through the land. hoseok sneezes the second he walks through the door. it's kind of unbearably cute.
"here," yoongi grumps, pulling off the scarf from around his neck to shove at hoseok. "i'm not cold. why didn't you bring your coat out, you idiot?"
hoseok takes it gratefully, wrapping it around himself. yoongi bites back a smile when he sees hoseok nose at the soft cotton, almost curious. "i forgot," he says, betraying a sheepish smile. "i lent my coat to taetae and he hasn't given it back yet."
yoongi frowns; hoseok's favourite coat is the army-patterned one, the one that reminds him of his father. that explains why it hasn't been around as much lately. "does he not have his own coat?"
hoseok shrugs. "he did, i think. but then he left it at the train station and now he has to borrow mine until his mum sends him a new one."
"he could wear one of the fan gifts."
hoseok nudges yoongi's arm with a shoulder. "you know how taehyung is with his coats. ever since his mum sent him the first one--"
"--he's never worn anything else. i know," yoongi sighs heavily. it's not even a complex that yoongi can berate taehyung about, because he understands. it's why seokjin wears that silver bracelet everywhere, why jungkook treasures timberlands. why hoseok insists on building up his collection of bearbricks, if only to snapchat pictures to his sister and laugh at his phone whenever she replies. bangtan is family, but there's still family, and not a lot can replace that.
"but you're cold now." yoongi watches as hoseok buries his nose in the scarf, pink bleeding up his cheeks. "i'll check the studio. i think i have a coat i left there on tuesday."
"but you're so small, hyung." hoseok shoots a smirk at him. "i don't think i can wear your clothes."
"yah." yoongi lifts a hand and swats at his shoulder. "don't be rude. you're not that much taller than me."
hoseok just beams, and yoongi is at a loss for words after that.
they part at the entrance of the company building; hoseok holds his hands and makes him promise to eat lunch. judging by hoseok's doubtful look, he'll clearly be paying a visit around lunchtime to keep his promise to seokjin, but yoongi doesn't mind. no wonder seokjin keeps siccing hoseok on him -- if the oldest member is as smart as he should be, he probably sussed out yoongi's soft spot ages ago.
yoongi disappears into his studio with a warm feeling in his heart, still hearing hoseok's cheery farewell play in his head. he knows that he'll be writing love songs for a good while after that.
--
he doesn't even notice his studio door open, doesn't hear it close either. all he does know is that a bright green post-it springs up on the back of his chair. he notices it when he turns to get his jacket and it's just there, in all its spring glory.
yoongi-hyung! i'm sorry that i can't eat lunch with you, i'm eating with taetae. i left a bento box on the couch, please eat it! - hobi
yoongi swallows unsurely. there is indeed a bento box resting on his leather couch, filled with rice and grilled fish, another green post-it stuck onto it with a huge smiley face drawn on it. he doesn't even know when hoseok had entered his studio and, apparently, snuck out without a sound. he doesn't know what to think about the taetae part, but he swallows the residue bitterness down. it's not good to dwell. he's not going to.
if his lyrics turn more melancholic after that, it doesn't have any reason. the bento is obviously delicious, and yoongi wonders where hoseok had bought it from, but he can't taste it properly past the lump in his throat.
--
hoseok's smile is sunlight.
there's a word for it, some japanese word taehyung recalls seeing in a pann post about beautiful words. something about sunlight shining through leaves, leaving dappled light on the ground. something like the way the edges of hoseok's mouth curl up, showing his adorable dimples; the way his eyes crease up and the way he laughs ungracefully, uncaring.
the way taehyung is in love with him probably has another kind of word too. he isn't too sure on that one though.
"what do you want to eat? hyung would buy!" hoseok throws an arm around him, forcing taehyung to bend his knees so that his hyung doesn't have to lean up uncomfortably.
taehyung smiles at him anyway. "i just wanted to talk to you, hyung."
about that time in the dance studio when taehyung had enough courage, enough guts, to lean over to hoseok and catch his wrists and tell him 'i like you'. obviously he starts with 'like' instead of 'love', because love tends to scare people off and make them wary. it's 'like' because taehyung needs to stop feeling so strongly all the time. it's 'like' because he wishes it could just be 'like', wishes that when he looks at hoseok, he doesn't have his heart pounding in his chest, doesn't feel kind of nauseous and delightfully happy at the same time.
(about that time after the confession when hoseok had smiled at him and said, "i need to think about this first," but he then leaned in and kissed taehyung's cheek really softly, and taehyung's heart trembled.)
hoseok grins back at him. "you can talk to me over a good meal, taetae. let's get burgers!"
hoseok buys him a burger and soda at a little street-side place, and they go to the park to eat, laying out their food on their laps and watching people walk their dogs. no one really notices them; taehyung has a snapback on, angled over his face, and hoseok pulls down his black mask to eat quickly. it's a cold day out. taehyung notices yoongi's blue scarf around hoseok's neck, and he feels slightly guilty -- he should probably return hoseok's coat soon, but it's the most comfortable in the house, draping over him just like how his old one used to.
"hey, hoseok-hyung," taehyung says. hoseok jerks, a little startled from where he'd been studying this little pug, a cute thing, soft floppy ears and patchwork brown spots over its white fur. hoseok might like pugs. taehyung remembers that dog show that they were in, how bright hoseok had smiled at the little dog that scrambled into his arms, settled there like a rug.
"shit, sorry, tae," hoseok groans, rubbing at the ketchup he accidentally dripped onto the denim over taehyung's thigh. "didn't notice. i'll wash it for you."
taehyung shrugs. "it'll wash off. it's okay." he takes another bite of his burger, stares contently at the jut of hoseok's jaw as he chews on his own food. "i wanted to talk to you."
"you said." hoseok's eyes are glittering with amusement, a quirk of a smile on his lips.
"yeah," taehyung says. "i'm pretty bad at this. i don't know where to start." he digs at the ground with the toe of his sneaker. "i- i confessed to you. like last week? sometime then."
hoseok ducks his head. he presses his fingers harder into his burger, leaving imprints. "yeah, you did, tae," he says softly.
"i did," taehyung says. "and- and i was wondering- if you'd decided."
the crux of the matter, of course. taehyung's heart made up with scotch tape and the pieces of affection he could scrounge for himself. everyone always told him that he made friends really easily, but that wasn't the point, not really.
the point- the point was hoseok. hoseok smiling gently at him, now, bringing up a hand to graze the edge of his jaw. taehyung knows that smile. maybe he always knew. he just had to try, he figures.
he swallows the bite of his burger. it tastes like ash, like stone.
"i'm sorry, taetae," hoseok says. his voice, soft with affection. not enough.
you always have so many friends! how do you make people like you? you're so popular, taehyung! ah, taehyung, i wish i were you.
taehyung takes a breath. "it's okay, hyung," he says. he finishes his burger, takes his drink. stands up and brushes the crumbs from his lap to the ground. tips the snapback over his face -- his mother always said that he wore his heart on his sleeve. "hobi-hyung, i'm gonna go now, okay? i- i'll see you in the dorm."
hoseok looks up at him, and there's sadness, of course, it wouldn't be hoseok if he couldn't empathise with a rock. but there's also understanding, and love, but not the right kind. not the kind that taehyung wanted from him. it's okay, taehyung tells himself. he'll move on. find another piece of sun elsewhere.
besides- besides, hoseokie-hyung always looked so good with yoongi-hyung.
"take care, taehyungie." hoseok brushes his shoulder with soft fingers. "don't stay out too late."
taehyung smiles at him. "i won't." he will. only question now is whether jimin would call him in a fit of worry, stay out with him in concern, brave the brunt of the hyungs' scolding side by side with him.
hoseok nods. "call me if you get into trouble." he looks worried, but holds himself back.
taehyung walks away. feels like he's spent a lot of his life doing it. he ends up drinking his soda slowly along the riverbank, watching people walk their dogs.
--
"yoongi?"
yoongi always like to have his air-conditioning turned high. hoseok frowns at the blast of cold air that hits his face the moment he turned the doorknob.
yoongi doesn't even have his studio light turned on. the light from his computer screen illuminates his face eerily. "wha- hoseok?" the chair spins around, and a bedraggled, tired-looking yoongi peers at him through bleary eyes.
hoseok swears silently in his head. "hey, hyung," he says, easing himself into the room, not so fast, like he's trying not to scare off a skittish animal. "have you eaten dinner yet? it's late." and his limbs hurt from trying to dance off the guilt in the studio, moving to slow, sweltering beats, unable to erase taehyung's face from his head. taehyung hasn't called him yet, probably wouldn't. jimin sent him a short text an hour ago, just a simple he's with me, hyung, and it settled hoseok's heaving heart, just a little.
"hobi," yoongi sighs out. "no, i haven't."
"let's get some food together?" hoseok suggests.
the small smile that blooms across yoongi's face reminds him that it's all worth it. maybe not the way taehyung's face fell, not the sickening resignation on his face, the way he looked so small as he walked away. maybe not that, never that.
but here is yoongi, back-lit by his computer, smiling up at hoseok sweetly, a little shy, reaching his hand out for hoseok to take and pull him up. "sure," he says, and he sounds a little less brusque, a little more unsure, and hoseok laughs at his hesitation -- cute -- and pulls him in to press a butterfly kiss over his mouth.
yoongi kisses back for a moment before he pulls back. "you- you decided?" he asks, all in a rush, like he had the words but couldn't think through them properly.
hoseok finds yoongi's hand and tangles their fingers together. "yeah," he says. his heart feels warm, settled. yoongi's responding smile lights up a glow in his chest.
"okay." yoongi's hum is low and adorable. his smile- he's so happy. "let's go."