Chapter Text
“Han.”
A pillow thumped off the back of my head and I groaned loudly. Another thump. I let out a growl, burying my head further into my crossed arms.
“Hanny,” Johnny hummed.
“Still fucking hate that nickname.”
The pillow smacked off my ass and I finally picked up my head enough to glare at him. There was a wide grin on my boyfriend’s face that didn’t win me over this time. Nausea and anxiety boiled away inside of me, far too much of it to just give in. When he realized his attempts at levity weren’t working, the happiness started leaking out of his posture.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he said, kneeling down in front of me on the couch.
I shook my head before turning my face away again. I realized there was just as much shame inside me as there was the rest of my messy emotions. After everything we’d been through as of late, the last thing I wanted to do was make things about me. He was doing a shit job of keeping his own emotions about his future career prospects to himself and I didn’t need to make things worse with my own stupid baggage. On top of that, Christmas plans shouldn’t have given me such a visceral reaction in the first place; the fact that they did drove me up a goddamn wall. It was demoralizing.
So I lied right through my teeth.“They’re important to you is all.”
He was quiet for a long moment before his hand found my lower back. Soft, circular strokes had my body loosening against my will. I figured he was piecing shit together, the attentive bastard.
“And my mam called you her daughter-in-law last night when we talked on the phone,” he replied quietly. “They already love you.”
I snorted, my eyes stinging. “Do they know I’m a massive bitch?”
He chuckled. “Yep.”
I whirled around in my prone position, propping my upper half off the couch in shock. “What?!”
There was that shit-eating grin again. “D’you really think I’d say that to them?”
“Simon would,” I retorted, lowering back down onto my stomach. His fingers resumed their gentle circuit along the small of my back.
“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not him then, yeah?”
It really was. How Emma put up with his grumpy ass was beyond me, but she was also more patient than Mother Theresa. I wiped my face along my stolen MacTavish hoodie as I sighed.
Growing up, Christmas and New Years were the parts of the year I looked forward to the most. Mom, dad—when he was in town—, and I would cram ourselves into our hatchback and drive all the way to Minnesota to spend time with my dad’s side of the family. It was a week of hell-raising fun with my cousins, all the amazing food I could ever dream of, and so many good memories. All of which I’d either forgotten with time or pushed away so hard that I’d lost them to the trauma. So the idea of a celebration without my Grandma Peggy at the head of the table killed something in me I hadn’t known was still alive.
“Holidays are just… I haven’t celebrated Christmas since my parents died.” What I left unsaid was that I didn’t want to turn into a crying mess or that massive bitch I’d mentioned in front of his entire family.
But he knew. None of this was new, but that didn’t make it any easier on me. He probably knew that too. It sure felt like he did as his lips pressed into the crown of my head.
“We don’t have to stay that whole week, hen. Mam always likes when all of us are there, but I doubt she’d miss us in the chaos.”
I had to take a deep breath to stave off the creeping sense of déjà vu clinging to me. He was giving me an out. I could tell him yes, that I’d rather we drove a rental car all the way to Glasgow for one evening, maybe two, and then come back to London. We could find something small to do on Christmas between the two of us and I could avoid the all-out terror I was feeling about this.
But that burned from my tongue to my guts. Johnny missed his family so much. When he’d been injured, family hadn’t been cleared to visit so it was only a guess at the last time he had seen them at all. He’d been talking about them non-stop on our hunt for Makarov, too. I knew he probably needed this more than I needed to avoid it. There was that, and the fact I wasn’t about to be taken down by the thought of a family gathering. Christ, retirement was softening me already.
“No. I’ll be fine. I’m sure it’ll be fun,” I replied, trying my best to sound somewhat excited.
All that did was make his brows knit in understanding. “I’ll give you a full mission prep on the way there, okay? POIs, AO layouts, all the history on the targets you could ever want.”
That made me snort, an unwilling smirk popping up on my lips. “I hate you sometimes.”
“You’re just mad I know how to speak your language,” he grinned, crawling up onto our couch with me.
“Yeah, whatever.” My hardass exterior cracked though as he laid down on top of me and kissed my neck.
“I love you, too.”
⤲
I didn’t think Johnny would exaggerate the drive to his family’s old farm house, but it really was off the beaten path. True to his word, he gave every detail I could ever need about Larkhall and some I didn’t. Like how if I thought these country roads were small, I should see the ones in the Highlands. He then promised to take me up there sometime when we weren’t one sharp turn away from spinning out on ice and I appreciated that.
Even through all of the storytelling, I couldn’t shake the nausea barreling through me. I felt the oppressive weight of everything growing heavier each mile we drove. And now that we’d turned onto their road, it tripled. Names and relations buzzed around in my head like gnats on fruit, none of them sticking like they would on a mission report. I could picture the layout of his childhood home well enough, but I still didn’t understand what he meant about where the sitting and smoking rooms were. If this were for an actual job, I would’ve been benched already. But I was the only person who could do this ‘mission’, so here I sat.
And it wasn’t a job at all. This was Johnny’s family. It was just Christmas Eve with the MacTavishs.
There were already about six cars parked along the gravel drive when we came to a stop. It was quaint out here, much more so than London. I could see the pasture behind the house, a couple of the family horses plodding along even in the snow. Hazy orange light filtered through massive clouds which promised more snow overnight. At least there’d be a white Christmas, I supposed to myself.
Johnny gave me one last long look, a final way out of this even after an entire day of traveling to get here. I shot him the most pleasant smile I could as he unbuckled, sighed, and popped the trunk. I wanted to bring in the luggage now, but he insisted it could wait until later. I wasn’t in any shape to fight back and that seemed to give him pause. But I didn’t let him ask as I busied myself with our cookie platters that had ridden safely in the back seat for the whole ride.
We walked up the drive side by side, probably for my benefit more than his. His back was straight and there was a raw energy that shone through in the way he held the bag of gifts up in front of him. All week, he’d been thriving on his excitement over this very moment. I had to get over this, if not for myself, so that I didn’t ruin this homecoming for him.
“Now remember, Aunt Lena is on Da’s side of the family. Her two kids are Michael and—”
Johnny’s words drifted away as I stared down the porch. Sure the setting was different, but there was a sameness to this place, a safety and familiarity that pulled at me. There was also an understanding that my family was out there somewhere, however much was left of them, and they were doing this exact same thing without me. Most years I could breeze over that fact, but not now. Not as the gutters twinkled with white lights and warmth could be seen through the front window as we paused at the door.
I tugged at the edge of my skirt before fiddling with my sweater sleeves one-handed. Johnny smiled softly and nudged me with his bad elbow. My eyes narrowed as he rang the doorbell. That little look told me he’d seen me disappear again.
“You look fuckin’ stunning, Han,” he whispered. Before I could retort, he added, “in fact, I’ve been thinking about tearing that sexy little thing off you since we got in the—”
I shoved him as loud footsteps and voices crowded around the opposite side of the door.
Soft Christmas songs lilted, barely audible, under the rest of the colorful sounds that poured over us. The door opened into a warm living room, in temperature and aesthetic. Old-school Christmas lights wove through the branches of a real pine tree that pumped the fresh scent of its sap into the air. That, combined with the strong smell of cinnamon and other kitchen preparations slammed into me, stunning me for a moment. Grandma’s house had always been like this; lively and loud. For just a moment, something deep inside me screamed that I was home. I squashed that though.
A woman with Johnny’s eyes took the plate of cookies from me with a wide smile and a murmured welcome as three children raced past me to their uncle. I glanced between who I guessed was his sister, Emma, and Johnny as he was damn near brought down by the kids.
“Uncle Johnny!” the little girl screamed.
“Agh! Maisie! Who let you get so tall?” he cried, dropping the gifts on the porch and scooping her up without a moment of hesitation.
The young girl squealed and giggled as she was flipped upside down and spun around with ease. But I could see the way Johnny grimaced as his shoulder strained. Light weights approved by Sunny were different than tossing around a six year old. But I didn’t have it in me to chastise him for it. Especially when my brain flashed up the visual of him bleeding out on that train platform. It was miracle enough that he was here in the first place; real world concerns could wait for now.
“Are you Uncle Johnny’s girlfriend?” the oldest boy asked, shuffling his feet and briefly glancing at me.
I inclined my head. “I am. Are you Alex?”
He nodded in reply. After a moment, he added, “you’re from America?”
The other boy screamed as Johnny hoisted him over his good shoulder and trudged inside with Maisie under his bad arm. Alex and I parted so Johnny could make his entrance known more broadly. As he did so, Alex popped outside to grab the gifts that had been so unceremoniously abandoned and I closed the door behind him. I began to toe off my shoes before I noticed the front entry was basically devoid of other footwear so I stopped.
“Grandma doesn’t care about that; you can take ‘em off if you want,” he said, finally giving me more eye contact.
I grinned lightly. “If you couldn’t tell before, I definitely am American.”
He gave a soft huff of a laugh. Something clanked and clattered from the kitchen that drew our attention away from each other for a moment. There was a soft swear and then an eruption of excitement. The couple sitting on the couch with glasses of something amber also looked that way before giving me a gentle wave. Alex hurried off and I took a moment to shrug off my coat and hang it on the rack beside the door before following after him.
The kitchen was half a step up into another room. I passed the lively dining room on my way in and was surprised by how festive and bright everything was. Two more tables were set up and looked to extend into the back sitting room, plenty of candles and garland filling up the middle of each. If I hadn’t been to similarly large events in the past, I knew I would’ve slipped into work mode. But by some fucking miracle, I staved off that knee-jerk reaction.
A good handful of family members looked to be sitting around a television in that back room. Some kids and a few adults, all of which were loudly placing bets about the sports teams who’d be playing on Boxing Day. Johnny had warned me about just how loud it would get in a few days from now and that was amusing, seeing how loud things already were now.
When I scooted into the back of the kitchen I noticed that Maisie and the other boy were now standing next to a different MacTavish while everyone’s eyes were focused near the stove. Johnny was wrapped in a hug by someone whom I could only guess was his mom. Helen MacTavish was exactly as Soap had described her. She was warm and loud and so obviously his mother that it was shocking. Soft brown hair was cut in a gentle shape around her face and was streaked with gray at her temples. From where I was standing, I could see the similarities in their side profiles— he had his mother’s nose for sure. And while she was a decent bit shorter than him, his dad was right behind them and more than made up for that with his own tall stature.
“Oh, I’m so happy you made it in,” his mom was murmuring before she kissed him on the cheek.
“Aye, I wasnae going to miss this for anything,” Johnny replied warmly.
“Did you bring Hannah with you?” she asked.
Emma cleared her throat, bouncing a baby in her arms now. When their mom looked up, she followed her daughter’s gaze over to me and Helen gasped. I braced myself for all of the emotions to hit me at once as the sea of people parted for her to rush toward me. Johnny had prepped me for a hug, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what she gave me.
For a moment, I was a child again. Hands that had cared for many a child pulled me in and a body so full of care wrapped around me. Something was fooled inside me as I hesitantly hugged back. This was Grandma, or maybe Aunt Shelly. It even felt just west of my own mom for a second. I had to bite my tongue until I tasted blood to avoid the surprise sob building in my chest.
And then Helen was holding me at arms length to give me a good look. Familiar blue eyes blinked back at me as her grin widened. “Johnny, did you bribe her?”
I must’ve looked confused because Helen’s expression lightened as the room erupted into laughter. When I stole a look at Johnny, he was a bit red. It all clicked and I smiled just a bit.
“Oh, he must’ve,” someone who I suspected was an uncle chimed in. “Whatever it was, I’ll double it if you need to get out of here.” He leaned closer and winked. “Blink twice, alright?”
“Quit it, David. You’ll scare ‘er off before Johnny does,” Helen chided.
“It’s alright,” I replied, trying to make that true.
She seemed to see right through me, though. Like mother like son, I guessed. “Did he give you a proper run down of our family?” she asked, corralling me back toward the stove. I was still too overwhelmed to pull away or stop her. So I nodded silently. She looked over at Johnny and gave a soft glare. “Jonathan, did you tell her how much we can be? If you didn’t prepare her for us, I’ll be talkin’ to you later.”
He groaned, looking so much younger in that moment. “Yes, ma. I told her about all of it.”
“Did he really?” she whispered to me, eyebrows raised.
I’d only known Helen for all of two minutes, but I could already tell she was such a wonderful person. It made something in me crater even more. My nails bit into my palms as my toes curled tightly.
“Yeah, really,” I rasped out in reply.
Her shoulders slackened and her smile brightened again. “Wonderful. Well then, Johnny, help your dad with the potato masher and Hannah, can you get me the paprika from that cabinet over there? Emma’s got Isla now or I’d ask her.”
Sweat coated my armpits and the entire column of my spine. I blinked for a moment as I nodded. None of my limbs would move as a wave of overwhelm washed over me. Ice flooded my fingertips even in the packed, stove-warmed kitchen. My throat tightened. The sounds of Johnny’s family chatting and children playing began to dig into my head like thorns. All the smells threatened to choke me and the fibers of my sweater pricked at me like a thousand mosquitos.
I wanted, no needed Johnny to help pull me out of this moment, but when I glanced over my shoulder, he was wrapped up in a moment with his dad. And then it was my dad standing there at the last Christmas we had. I’d forgotten about the cheesecake we’d made together that year until that very moment, and then it was all I could see. He was beside me, laughing as the taste of lemon stung my senses. We’d both dared each other to see if we could each drink the rest of the juice we hadn’t used in the batter and I was losing terribly.
My head hurt and my vision was tunneled. I grabbed onto the counter beside me as a voice asked if I was alright from behind me. But my jaw was sluggish and stuck in place. And dad’s hand still rested so firmly on my arm as he laughed. The sound of him and the kitchen and Grandma’s house ricocheted around me until I was dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out.
A strong hand landed on my shoulder and I startled, my breaths pistoning out of me. When I looked up, my already scattered head was confused by what I saw. It was Johnny, but not. A slight bit taller and much lankier. His hair was too long for it to be him, and his eyes were brown, like his dad’s. Andrew. It had to be his brother.
“It’s alright, just breathe,” he murmured, leading me out of the kitchen and past the rest of the moving bodies in the living room. I tried to speak, to ask him for Johnny, but he just smiled softly and paused in front of a new child I hadn’t yet seen.
“Aimee, go get yer Uncle Johnny for me. Send ‘im to his room,” he said.
“Okay Dad,” the little girl nodded dutifully before bounding off.
He helped me up the stairs, not a word said between us. His hand never left the middle of my back, firm and grounding. Not only was the shock and overwhelm of the flashback dragging me down, embarrassment about breaking so quickly wasn’t helping either.
We made it to a quiet, unlit landing at the top of the stairs. Old hardwood boards creaked beneath our feet as he led me to one of the several closed doors around us. Without knocking, he turned the handle and ushered me in. What I saw knocked the breath out of me again.
This room was frozen in time. Rugby medals and trophies lined a shelf directly across from the door. Massive posters for The Fratellis, a band called Primal Scream, and another one called Idlewild spanned the big sliding closet doors to the left of the room. I was corralled to sit down on the four-post bed nestled against the right wall, a nice fluffy comforter beneath me. The end table had a few stickers that looked like they’d been nearly scraped or picked off at some point, probably because they were Garbage Pail Kids or something like it; fucking weird visuals that I bet their parents weren’t fond of. All that remained was the half of some strange amalgamation of person and worms along with a fleck of something that looked like a KFC chicken bucket.
“For some reason, Mam and Da never changed his room over to a guest room like they did with mine,” my savior stated. “I bet this is a new look at my brother for ye, yeah?”
I swallowed hard and blinked a few times, trying to get my feet under me again. “A bit.”
He grinned, the expression shockingly similar to Johnny’s. They had the same mouth— same little creases that formed beside their lips when they smiled and everything. It helped me breathe, oddly enough.
“Did Mam throw you right into the fray?”
I nodded stiffly and he huffed out a gentle laugh.
“She does that. Forgets not everyone is used to our dynamic.”
“It was sweet,” I croaked, my fingers digging deeply into the hem of my skirt. I could feel my tights bunch and shift against my skin and I gritted my teeth. Everything felt like too much right now.
“Didn’t see you when we came in,” I managed to say.
He gestured to the coat he still had on and I went red. It wasn’t like me to miss details like that. “We just got in. Tess had the veggies and I had our games. But it’s a good thing I always stop in the kitchen first, eh?”
“Thanks for that,” I muttered, scratching at my leg. “I’m not normally so…” I trailed off.
“You know, a few years back, Johnny had to dunk his head in the snow outside to clear his head from shite. He tell you that one yet?” Andrew asked.
Before I could respond, the door creaked open and my boyfriend popped his head in.
“I cannae tell her all the best stories at once; I’ll run out of material,” he retorted with a bit of softness.
His brother huffed, his grin cracking wider as he nodded toward me. “Some boyfriend you are. Didn’t even notice when she needed you, you numpty.”
“Aye, well I’m here now,” he muttered, crossing the room to sit beside me on his childhood bed.
Andrew looked between the two of us and I cleared my throat. “Hell of a hello. Sorry about that.”
He waved my words away. “None of that. I get it. Johnny’s given all of us plenty of practice with those things.”
Those things. Flashbacks, memories that sink claws into you so deep, you can’t move or breathe or think. Full-body shutdowns. Fits of anger and rage out of nowhere. I wondered what sorts of PTSD Johnny carried that I hadn’t seen quite yet.
I cringed; I hadn’t even gotten through all the introductions before shutting down. If all twenty or so people out there started making sad pity faces at me, I’d lose my shit. That, or I’d beg to just go back home alone. I didn’t need this kind of stress. This kind of reminder of everything I’d lost.
“Han, look at me.”
When I did, I realized there were streaks of tears down my cheeks. Fuck, now my mascara would be ruined and our overnight bags were still in the car. My lips pursed but Johnny shook his head.
“Andrew’s a counselor for veterans. Our Da was in the military too. Whatever you’re kicking yourself for right now, stop it. Everyone out there understands. Or if they don’t they’ve seen worse than you freezin’ up.”
I glanced at Andrew who was casually leaned against an old dresser before squeezing my eyes shut. “That’s not the point.”
“Then what—”
“Hey,” Andrew cut in softly.
Hearing Johnny cut himself off and heave a sigh surprised me enough to look up again. The two brothers squared off in silence before Johnny rolled his eyes and shook his head. The slightest bit of softness bullied its way through everything else.
“Take your time in here. I can swing back up and get you two before dinner starts if you’d like,” Andrew offered.
I shook my head. “Johnny, you go. I’ll be fine in a minute. You should make your rounds.”
The MacTavish brothers shared another look before Andrew chuckled. “Stubborn like you then? Oh, Hannah, you’re gonna fit in just fine around here.”
I felt my cheeks warm at the endearment and said nothing more as he headed back out the door, leaving the two of us to sort my issues together. The latch clicked and my ears seemed to ring in the resounding silence that followed.
The couple minutes of silence that Johnny afforded me were greatly appreciated, but he finally broke the silence with a soft exhale. His fingers dusted over the back of my hand and his shoulder bumped against mine.
“I should’ve listened to you,” he stated.
I forced a breath through my nose. “Usually, yeah.” And then I sighed, too. “It’s not your fault. I do want to meet your family. It’s just…”
“Holidays are hard.”
“Yeah.”
He opened his mouth to fill the silence, but I beat him to it. Every syllable hurt, but he’d heard worse from me. I knew he’d handle me with care.
“Christmas was the last big gathering I got with my family. Like, my extended family. I had nine cousins, all around my age for the most part. We’d get together like this at my grandma’s house. She let us stay for the week between now and New Years. And she was in Minnesota so there was always a fuck ton of snow.” A laugh full of pain eeked out of me. “The pond in her subdivision would freeze over most years and my uncles taught me to ice skate out there. They had to pull me off the rink most of the time. God, my nose was always beet fucking red and my teeth chattered until—”
It all came out then. The tears, the full body tremors, the all-consuming dread. Everything. Johnny caught me in his arms and pulled me onto his lap as I silently sobbed into his shoulder.
More memories surfaced, but none of them were whole. My head was awash with half thoughts and recollections so brief, I could barely understand what was going on. The smell of a cologne, a smile missing baby teeth, happiness and screams of laughter—all at once and overlapping. I buried myself into Johnny as my last bastion of safety. He started carding his fingers through my hair.
“What Andrew was talking about happened about three, no, four years ago now. I’d come home pretty fucked up; we’d lost half our unit at the exfil point. It was pretty brutal.” I could feel him shake his head. “Anyway, I thought I was macho enough to stomach it. Told the on-base therapists I was right as rain and waltzed off here for Christmas. Halfway through dinner I just start sobbing. Like, full on crocodile tears, ye ken?”
My own tears began to peter off as I listened.
“And I was gone, from what my folks tell me. I don’t remember too much about it all, outside of little Maiesie reaching over to pat my hand. She was just a wee little one then—Christ, she still is— but her little smile pulled me back. Andrew got me up and he and Da took me outside for some air. When that didn’t help, Da suggested taking a dive into the snow pile he’d plowed and I turned that down. So my wonderful little shite of a brother pushed me into it instead.”
I snorted and he looked down at me with those warm eyes of his.
“Oh, you think it’s funny now, do you?”
“Just a little.”
He kissed my forehead. “It was. After I unstuck my face from the packed mess and nearly threw him into it too, we all had a laugh. I think one of them still has the picture of my face print left in the snow.”
“Really?” I asked, a little smile painting my lips.
Johnny nodded. “I’ll ask around for it after dinner.”
I forced a calm breath through my lips. “Am I going to be relegated to sitting next to the therapist now?”
Johnny’s broad hand found the back of my head and cupped it gently. “You’re relegated to sitting next to me and me alone, only because I already know we’re going to be asked about wedding plans. And that’s not something you’re facing alone on your first MacTavish get together.”
“First,” I murmured.
His resounding smile was subdued. “Yeah, first. They aren’t going to shun you, hen. I promise. Christ, I didn’t even notice you’d left.”
“You and your dad seemed close.”
“We are.”
I nodded. “I’m glad.”
He pulled me in and kissed me softly, stroking away the streaks of tears on my cheeks with his thumbs. Our foreheads pressed together before he moved back, with me sliding off his lap a few moments later.
“So, marriage plans? They do know we’ve only been together a little while, right?”
Johnny laughed, the sound strained and rough. “Well, yeah.”
“Did you fucking lie to them?” I snipped as he set his hand on the doorknob.
“No! Of course not! They’re just a… a bit forward is all.” Before I could press him any harder, he slipped out the door and down the hall.
I crossed my arms and stared off after him, those final words like a flashbang. With a confused glare on my face, I called out, “now you’re leaving me?”
“Grabbing bags! Stay put.” The front door opened and closed quick. A few footsteps pounded up the stairs and I could just see his eyes and hair. “And don’t go through the drawers; I dinnae ken what’s left up there.”
I couldn’t tell if that was said to distract me from everything or not, but I said nothing as I turned back into the room, a little bit of work me coming out. His chuckle told me he wasn’t actually upset and I smiled a little as I pulled open the chest of drawers.
As my fingers rifled through his old tchochkes and possessions, a little bit of my fear left me. This wasn’t my home. It wasn’t my grandma’s. I wasn’t going back there and wouldn’t have to. I didn’t have to think about what I was missing or what I’d lost. This was Johnny’s home. His family was here and I had a chance at something new and warm and kind. I could try to be human again, try to have a normal experience without my past hurting me. I was here with him and I was going to give this my best fucking effort no matter what.