Chapter Text
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
House is courteous to even one time partners, but only on a surface level. If he finishes first, he'll try to get his partner to finish too, though he does this for selfish reasons like having a perfect record or having his praises sung. The keyword here as well is ‘try’, as House may give up on this goal if he feels it's too tedious. He usually keeps a tidy area of both him and his partner after, as he's in the habit of cleaning up the evidence quickly when tapping in a public area. There's also an association of sex dirt negatively affecting the pride of his personal environment.
For a hookup in his place, House'll let a partner stay for as long as they’d like. In theory, a partner has free agency around his apartment, but would usually be persuaded into doing something nonsexual that House asks of them. From small things like picking up items he can't reach to big things like convincing a one night stand to cook him food before they leave; he just likes seeing ‘real’ human empathy. For a more stable partner of House’s though, it gives them added perks so to speak. More intimate aftercare like cuddling, pillow talk, and genuine compliments ahead for those who make it that far with him, though he’ll still make them do his bidding from time to time. Some things never change.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
House takes pride in his own mouth in more ways than one, and when it comes to the argument of tits versus ass, House's favorite part of any partner is the chest. When talking about it out loud, he’ll stick to logic: ‘The chest is the next point of interest when eyes travel down one’s face’, or ‘Chests have more shape variety than ass’. But internally, House’s reasoning is more egotistical, of course. He thinks of the chest like it's a side quest. Typically focus is on the lower regions during sex, so splitting attention both wins him nonexistent brownie points and shows off his brilliant multitasking skills.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Despite everything, a germaphobe House is not, maybe even dangerously so given a lot of one night stands with less than optimal protection. Though in his defense, he tests himself frequently, almost weekly. He’s not afraid to get dirty with fluids, and if he had a preferred order it'd be: sweat, blood, cum, urine, vomit, then shit. More on cum specifically, House cums in longer, steady spills as they're liquidy. There's less seminal fluid due to low sperm count, though it's hard to tell whether that was caused by alcohol, drugs, old age, or one of House's other underlying problems. Its taste is faint given the texture, but it's a more neutral mix of sugar and garlic. As he's not usually able to cum while masturbating to try it himself, House has surveyed partners on the taste many a time.
House's view of cum is much simpler than his own complex characteristics, though. He acknowledges its general ‘dirtiness’ which makes it all the hotter when his partner is willing to swallow down his, though for this same reason he feels too much dignity to swallow anyone else's. Even with a blowjob, he'd rather playfully dribble it out on someone's lap, or shotgun the fluid back into a partner's mouth. This doubles for a partner's cum on his clothes; if it can't be avoided, the clothes are coming off… Dry cleaning is expensive, he'd say.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
Not much of a secret, but House doesn't need to be a part of a sexual action to get some enjoyment from it. If he gets aroused in a scenario where he can't find a partner, which is extremely rare, he’ll usually rely on one of his 3 observational kinks instead of jerking off.
Voyeurism first, of course, watching people have sex… A sort of ‘afterschool studying he'd call it. Given all of the surveillance and cameras of a hospital you'd assume there aren't any places for people to hook up, but House, as his name reflects, knows his ‘house’ back to front. From broken down scanning rooms and bathrooms, to tiny supply closets. It could be a less experienced nurse stumbling onto these areas to stir a coworker affair in, or people from House’s own teams learning from him to find these spots. Even patients and their guests sometimes fuck in these places, and House has even solved a case or too by catching them... after he finished watching.
Similarly, if he can't get a good view he’ll engage in ecouteurism, just listening in on the activity. And in an even more detached way, one of his sneakiest kinks is narratophilia. If he can pretend to care about a conversation from a patient or other type of stranger until they add topics about their intimate life, it’s usually worth it. He'll also dig himself into his team's sex gossip at times. This is for the usual reason of hailing his opinions on the topics as gospel, but House'll also use the info to manipulate some unfortunate situations before his boss catches on and shuts things down.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
House was a late bloomer, he lost his V card at 20 while in college, but once he got started he really never stopped. Despite the lateness, that's still about 40 years of constant experience, and he doesn't plan on getting rusty any time soon.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
If House is doing the moving, he prefers any position he can stand in. It not only helps him keep his balance with a more subtle case of medication-induced low blood pressure, but it also helps him minimize the strain caused by the lack of quadricep when arching, crouching, or kneeling. Starting foreplay in the middle of the room or against the wall is a plus, as finding a place to put his partners’ weight on like a counter allows him to stay standing when going on.
If House isn't doing the moving, which happens more times than not, he likes to lay out for the same reasons as standing. He also prefers his partners facing him, for 3 key reasons. One, he thinks it's entertaining to study up his partner's face for feedback. Two, it gives him full access to other points of stimulation. Three, there's less chance of unwanted items hidden on a partner's body. Cameras, knives, microphones, guns, drugs… House’s seen it all, and done it all himself. If he could do it, then anyone can, and he isn't very trusting on that front.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
House is extremely, almost annoying, unserious during sex unless specifically asked to lock in. From make out to undressing House is quiet, taking in a partner's initial vibes, but after that it's free game for him to let loose. Sex is supposed to be fun, right? He'll make biting jokes as he goes about the less than ideal settings, his partner's appearance or sound, or how fast or slow things are going. He's a walking commentary track.
And the energy only ramps up when House decides to roleplay. Though, unless it's a certain someone, he likes to initiate. House isn't a fan of the unknowns a roleplay could lead to if a partner starts it instead. In this case he'll either pick a partner specifically down with roleplaying, or go ahead and plan details and buy props before proposing the idea to a partner. With any go ahead, House gets deeply into character, and can keep encouraging the story even if his partner gets lost. He, being extreme, can go with or without a safe word, although a partner usually wants one; he'll oblige if so. Roleplays can be stereotypical ones like ‘doctor and nurse’, ‘pizza delivery’, and ‘hunter and deer’. But some more specific ones House likes are ones like ‘baker decorating an extremely life like cake’, or ‘2 astronauts fulfilling a final wish before their spaceship self destructs’… Yeah.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
House's body hair is his main focus in the morning compared to his scruffier head and face hair, which he brushes more than you'd expect at a first glance. On his arms and legs his hair is straighter, longer, and overstimulating as hell. He'll lotion and comb it through every once and a while, and spend minutes in the mornings fumbling with his sleeves until things are perfect. Due to this, House prefers to take things down to his underclothes before sex gets started, and he doesn't mind his partner touching up his arms and legs when it's out in the open.
On talk about other parts… House doesn't really care to groom them, as they're less of an active annoyance. His chest and happy trail hair is naturally sparse and evenly distributed, which a certain someone is jealous of. But his scrotum and ass hair are a jungle. He lets it grow as wild as he pleases, not just due to lack of flexibility but also because his unsteady hands cause more razor nicks than with his facial hair; it's not worth the effort and none of his partners seem to mind. With the lack of maintenance, his genital hair is more wiry than straight in comparison to the rest of his body hair.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
House is a capable person, very capable. He can do just about anything, it's just a matter of if he wants to. If he's in a romantic relationship with someone he'll play ball on what's considered romantic as long as they're low effort. A dinner out before, candles and rose petals, cuddling after. But, deeper things that show consideration like asking how his partner is feeling instead of figuring it out himself, saying ‘I love you’ during the moment, or more personalized praise towards a partner… That shows that he cares, and that makes him more vulnerable. House's fully capable of doing these things, but he won't.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
House hates masturbating. He loved it when he was younger, but according to him after his 30s things got old. He'd explored every crevice, done every motion, heard every sound he could make, and he’d literally learned his body inside and out. What now? Without any more wild cards to concentrate on, his head started to wander. His thoughts would stray to cases, food, people, TV shows, or anything else that would disrupt the mood. Soon his body followed his brain's thinking, and as of now House has developed a psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Masturbation isn't impossible, but a very, very, very hard atmosphere to facilitate, and House would rather try other methods but more about his ED in a later section.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
It's more than obvious that House has a lot of kinks. Most times he starts with a more objective desire to learn about one before exploring it and quietly adding it to his psyche. Some honorable mentions include shibari bondage, spanking, cockwarming, receiving praise, bloodplay, and as previously said, voyeurism. However, there’s a few particular kinks that stick out as favorites.
Body Writing: When given the opportunity, House enjoys writing on a partner as much as his whiteboard. It’s not something he wants his partner to focus on, but if allowed to it's something more passive. He'll write words his partners moaning like 'fuck', 'more', 'doctor', or titles to describe what he sees in them like 'princess', 'bitch', 'himbo','stud'... Usually not that flattering. Given the stereotypical doctor signature curse though, House's handwriting isn't that flattering either.
It's more of a power play, as if to say a partner is only as useful as a piece of paper, but on a lighter note he does find comfort in a work habit spilling over into another aspect of his life. On top of that if he's doing things with a trusted partner, House'll feel more comfortable writing phrases, drawing arrows to places he likes, and even drawing silly doodles on them. He writes these things using special skin safe markers that he orders and hides around his apartment.
Somnophilia: House is the sleeper with this sleeping kink; he prefers things to be consensual with the awake, but there's always an echo of his belief that 'everybody lies'. He’ll schedule out times for partners to come have their play with him like this, generally after he's concocted a cocktail to knock himself out. It gives House a hazy, dream like satisfaction after the fact, and it's an unknown he's willing to leave unexplored. He feels it's one of the only ways he feels he can give a 100% positive experience to a partner without ruining it by being himself.
Medical: No shock medical things carry over into House's sex life, but under… specific circumstances. With one off partners he'll lie about his occupation to avoid all of the questions that come from people given an air of his intimacy. A partner might ask if he could take a look at a blemish, or give a breast cancer screening. He already avoids clinic duty, why would he fall back to extra requests he won't even get paid for? They're just braindead questions from uneducated people, he thinks, and it's an immediate turn off. But, where House can have his fun with medicine is with outdated medical treatments. They’re insane, yes, but 'insane' is a close enough word to 'interesting'.
He'll spend some of his spoils on medical relics; some centuries old gear like vintage bullet extractors so he can play and scar up non bullet filled flesh. He'll buy half filled vials of medicine from antique sellers on eBay to passively inspect under a microscope. He’ll keep the more psychotropic or aphrodisiac related fluids to offer to partners who’re willing, and sometimes unwilling. He also proudly owns a late 1700s smoke enema kit. In its prime it was supposed to be filled with tobacco, but House ignores the procedure's few instructions and’ll fill it with cigar smoke for any partner bold enough to try it out.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
House likes having sex in his bedroom, in his kitchen, in his bathroom, on his motorcycle, in his car, at his office, or Wilson's office, or Cuddy's office, or coma guys room, at a trap house, in a store or restaurant bathroom, in a movie theate-
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Motivations have been described plenty in these contexts, sex for House is for the same reasons he does literally anything in his life. He enjoys being knowledgeable and talented in any subject, of course. There's a comfort in having answers on such a complicated topic especially given the concept that sex is human, which House struggles to accept he is. But there's also the possibility of it as a time commitment, it sucks away enough minutes for him to dismiss his other issues.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
If asked the question, off the top of his head House can only think of one. He won't bottom. It was one of the first things he tried when he was younger, and while the experience was more positive, it wasn't as satisfying from preparation to prostate stimulations. Though this positive experience grew more negative after his time on the inside, he won't get upset if asked to bottom, but’ll civilly decline. He's mentally disconnected with the act of bottoming, with the exception of a certain someone under the most perfect of circumstances.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Giving oral is one of House's favorite foreplays, if not the main focus, in every session. It's way more challenging than a penetrative in and out since there’s so many stimulation variables: up, down, left, right, softer, harder, teeth or not. House is skilled at using his tongue for cunnilingus, and when giving a blowjob he doubles up by adding lip menstruations with his tongue motions. Every partner is different, every one has a preference, and House gives himself a pat on the back when he figures that out.
Oral gives him more control, as well as sobered focus free from the distraction of a two way action, as stimulation is fully focused on his partner when doing this. Receiving oral is different, more for the same reason of focus. Unless 69ing, full attention would be on House when receiving. He of course finds this dull, given it feels about the same as if he were doing things himself, which as previously mentioned he isn't a fan of.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
If he isn't being begged to move faster, House likes to move his hips slowly during penetration to savor the sensations of whatever surface he's brushing against. His rhythm’s consistent until he nears orgasm, and when his rhythm is thrown off his cock might even slip out every few pulls due to being too distracted. The only other variable in House’s thrusts is when he's not the one doing the moving. He may buck his hips every now and again, though his attempts are pretty pathetic given the lack of right leg muscle.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
House’s more neutral, and could take or leave ‘5 minutes or less’ quickies. If he can take the time to play, prod, and please a partner, he will. But in a more public setting like the hospital, or speedrunning a revolving door of partners, being quick feels almost like a game to him.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)
Yes, House takes risks… a lot. He’s House.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
If he paces well and deals with foreplay, House can last 15-30 minutes, which is common if not impressive for his age. However, where things become uncommon is with his refractory time. House’s ED is rooted in aversion to stimulating himself; he has no trouble getting it up for others, but that doesn't mean his lifestyle challenges going for a second round. That would be, if it weren't for a little blue pill.
Despite his own usage of them, House dogs on anyone who admits to using these meds, snarking that ‘their dick needs training wheels’. He's a hypocrite… Expecting anything less is idiotic. He’ll never admit this to anybody, not even his closest partner, and House has the drive and stealth to carry it to the grave. If he's going for a second round, or third, or fourth, or fifth, he has a stash of Viagra not unlike his Vicodin one and God forbid the days he gets them mixed up.
T = Toys (do they own toys? Do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
Big shock that the man who loves playing with toys enjoys playing with ‘toys’ too, right? Not on himself for the reasons mentioned earlier, but on others. It's not even his go to, but if he has an idea House'll look for a partner who’s also interested. Silicone types are his favorites. Rubber shapes and beads that he'll count out while he goads his partner to beat records for stuffing them into their holes, gags and plugs that fit whatever roleplay he’s prepared, and even wearable silicone like a grind pad for a leg or a strap on for him to dual wield. It would probably be more cost effective if House had a preference for metal toys, as he doesn't care about upkeep of his rubber ones; he tosses them regularly instead of boil cleaning them or just letting them mold. Fortunately, he has a doctor's salary.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
Yes, House teases… a lot. He's House. Sometimes it's not even on purpose. When a partner reacts to something, he might hesitate and mutter something under his breath like 'do that again…' when trying to pick apart new variables.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
It's obvious the most common type of sound House’ll make is talking, he's a big talker, and big can also describe his other sounds. He'll overexaggerate the noises he makes to try and direct a partner; communication isn't his strong suit and it's no surprise that his ‘big talking’ is just fluff, no substance. He'll moan in low groans when he's feeling good, he'll sigh loudly when he's feeling really good, and he'll growl when he makes a wrong move. Basic stuff. Only when a situation catches him off guard does his groans pitch up into more strained whimpers, something he'll continue with through the session if he's egged on by a partner.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
Most of House's physical preferences are flexible, ranging from weight to height to surprisingly, race, but one choice he’s hesitant to change is age. Unless it's a certain someone, he'll target anyone 35 and under, with a minimum age of 19. House picked the latter number as it’s 1 year older than the legal minimum… it's proof that he's ‘classy’.
Though, the lower down the scale, the more evidence House will need to prove to himself a partner isn't lying. Stealing IDs, doing a blood test for an estimated lifespan, or peeking their phone to survey age from their close friends' texts. That's a lot of work House’s doing just to morality correctly, and not even he knows the reason why. Maybe he doesn't want to flaunt an older partner that society presses as just not being ‘it’. Maybe, he wants a partner who matches his youthful energy. Or maybe, House is a bit of a sleeze… who knows.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
Going straight for the intimates, House is a grower measuring 4 inches flaccid and 5.5 inches hardened, though he’ll occasionally gaslight to add a half inch to keep up with a certain someone. His dick is two toned and uncircumcised, but during some of his more serious religious crises in the past, he’s considered giving himself an adult circumcision. He hasn't… yet.
The existence of foreskin does little to worsen House's on and off issue with smegma, but it also doesn’t help. He showers 2/3rds of the month, which is a big improvement over his past habits, but despite this he finds cleaning crevices tedious… Would it be too much of a shock to hear that House is one of those men who considers soap sliding over deeper areas to be 'good enough'? House’ll only clean his genitals when dick cheese and other dirt gets too visible, or if a partner complains.
At a wider look of his body, House’s extremely tall with a firm frame that does not quite match the stretch of his bones. He was pretty athletic before the incident, though after letting himself go over the years following his leg treatment Houses’ shape’s been pretty consistent despite. With the exception of a few places where his bones protrude, he has an odd muscular distribution. His meat mainly pads on his upper arms and chest, while leaving other parts lacking like his tighter back and ass muscles.
The opposite though, fat distribution, mostly causes stretch marks from the lack of it. Lacking, except for two certain places. Mostly hidden from the public eye, House developed an apron belly due to too rapid weight gain from a recent day to day withdrawal-relapse cycle. His thighs are also slightly affected, they're on the thicker side for a man of his height discounting the place where a chunk of muscle was removed from the right thigh. This thigh area is sunken. Its depression measures down about 2 inches, and the sinking’s caused the skin to stretch and become soft due to its folds. The entire spot is discolored and has two further discolored but healed stitch lines; one precise stitch from the initial surgery, and one flawed stitch from a different incident.
Staying on talk of cuts briefly, House's wrists have both healed and still healing slices. A lot of these older wounds overlap, resulting in a thicker, leatherier texture. House also has multiple gun scars. Two from pistol bullet wounds on his right hip and neck as well as buckshot scars on his back from his childhood. The list of House’s scars is still growing even at his older age, as just recently a pierced bite mark was scarred up on his upper left bicep. He's shown the same level of neglect with it as most of his older ones.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
Actually, it's not as high as one would think. House is more bark than bite and his sexual jokes are usually just… jokes. Sex in his brain is an urge he can and will act on, but also something he can compartmentalize easily. He flirts because it's entertaining, gets him attention, and is able to be studied. It helps House understand attraction in others towards himself, and his mind over matter is so strong he can toss out the filthiest comments and go on with his day unchanged.
In regards to House’s psychogenic erectile dysfunction as mentioned in an earlier section, it’s more situational than a first assumed medical issue. The mental stimulation is always there, but the physical reaction doesn’t show up unless there’s genuine interest or a conscious decision. House doesn't talk about it, but his made up excuse for his ED would be that it’s subconscious self preservation; his brilliant brain hoards blood flow for more important things.
But in reality, aside from the lack of mystery with himself, relying on the ‘necessary’ of having to perform for others to have sex gives House reason to keep his options open. His skyrocketing numbers with one offs or whoever he’s dating at the time is his way to deny his ED. Hiss flawed thought process is that if he never needs to go solo, it's not situational, and if it's not medical, it's not real ED. Again, it's a flawed thought process.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
House usually falls asleep minutes after sex for reasons that’ve already been said in previous sections. Though, this is only true if not properly motivated by factors like food, a good movie on TV, or going back to work on a case. The latter is more sobering than caffeine.