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Zenitsu has always had these thoughts. They always disgusted him, made him feel sick that he even thought of them. Because if he thought of it, subconsciously he wants it? Right? Why else would he think them?
Whenever he had these thoughts of his, he went out to train to get his mind off of them. If he focused on something else they would disappear however he was stuck, bedridden thanks to the spider demon poison.
All he can do is stare at the ceiling and deal with whatever his perverted mind tortured him with. Its all often predicable, with very little change what his brain shows him. Often theres older women, like the girl who he thought he was going to marry, and they surround him.
Hands all over his body and theres a sickening feeling that accompanies it. The words they speak, always change but its either them praising him for being so good or degrading him. He always felt sick even though he should like girls touching him.
Thats the only scenario that confused him. He doesn’t get why he feels so sick and on edge whenever it pops up in his mind. He’s meant to like girls, meant to like it when girls are all around him. So why is it that he gets so grossed out?
He should be happy. Excited even? Maybe its because he has his eyes on Nezuko…but before that he was still grossed out and does he even like her? Does she even like him? She probably didn’t. He was too broken for anyone to truly love. He wouldn’t be good for her and theres a pit in his stomach whenever he thinks of spending his life with her, like a pit of regret? Like he would regret that.
What is with him. Why is everything that should excite him, make him feel so gross? Girls all over him. Being with Nezuko for life. Thats what every 16 year old boy wants right?
He sighs running the sleeves of his shirt down his face. Why was he so broken. He couldn't be excited by girls grabbing at him. He's shaking and feeling gross whenever the thoughts happen. What was wrong with him?
He turned over to look at Inosuke. Sleeping still. He's not plagued with thoughts like these. Mainly because Zenitsu is sure he doesn't have thoughts half the damn time. Turning back to the ceiling he wished Inosuke was up at the very least. Then they could at least talk.
Talking to others is another way to get the thoughts away but he's not waking up Inosuke, not when he has a tendency to be very loud and crazy. It's night, the moon is lighting up the room, if Inosuke got loud he'll be annoying everyone else in the medical ward and the mansion. He wished Tanjiro was here. He got taken in for questioning so he is all alone with these thoughts.
Another reoccurring thought that makes him want to pull his eyeballs out and pull his brain apart for even making such a thought is of him and Kaigaku. Contents never change either. Unlike with the ladies who faces change often, many times during said nightmare.
It stays the same. Him and Kaigaku and Kaigaaku's hands all over his body. Grabbing, touching, pushing, pulling all of it. Not listening to any of Zenitsu's protests. Zenitsu knows it's not a memory. Kaigaku doesn't like Zenitsu and he's never put his hands on Zenitsu any way like that.
It couldn't possibly be real, a fake scenario his terrible brain made up that disgusts him. Only really happens when him and Kaigaku are in the same house, but it still haunts him. He doesn't even know why he thinks such disgusting thoughts of his own brother.
His own brother who avoids him and basically hates him. Is it his way of pretending he does like him? Zenitsu lifts his head and slams is back down on his pillow. Annoyed. Pissed off. He doesn't like his brother like that and his brother most certainly doesnt like him like that.
Staring at the ceiling he realized he won't be able to sleep not with his thoughts on this. Groaning Zenitsu accepted his fate of laying still until day break. He seriously hated his brain.
He hated these thoughts and he hated the women who used to touch him like that before Gramp's adopted him. Now he's doomed to be sitting here thinking of it for the rest of his life. God, he wished they became demons so he could kill them. Or maybe he wished he just died by the next demon so he wouldn't be burrdened with these thoughts in the afterlife.