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Reiner is everything he wants and Jean hates it.
Jean despises himself for the way he can't help but feel about Reiner even after everything the man has done. And he sees Reiner as pathetic, looks at him with a gaze full of pity. It's rage inducing for Jean when he looks into those golden eyes and Reiner shakily utters words of contrition.
Mad at himself and feels like a bad friend… scratch that, a traitor. There's never a time when he doesn't feel like a filthy backstabber to all of his comrades. If only Marco could see him now. Jean would make the other man regret ever placing his trust in him.
He should be crucified, probably would be if the others knew the extent of what was going on in his head. Jean is deeply craving both physical and emotional closeness with the man who he believes should be his nemesis in every respect.
But he refuses to let go of everything he's built with the other man up until now, unwilling to let go but reluctant to repair their relationship through forgiveness. He won’t do it.
Exemplified by the night around the campfire. Jean can't forgive Reiner for making him fall in love and then turning his whole existence upside down. Asshole.
He's crazy about Reiner and has to force his feelings down even as they threaten to come to the surface- through all the rage, hurt, and betrayal- Jean's less than honorable feelings threaten to out him as the traitor, filthy turncoat he really is on the inside.
Jean kicks, punches, bites the other man as much as he wants to, it's all going to heal by morning anyway. Threatens Reiner that he’ll send him back to Marley in a million little pieces if the blond so much as leaves one small mark on Jean’s neck.
Reiner made such an indelible mark on Jean’s existence that nothing he could do in return seems like enough. This is what seems reasonable to Jean Kirstein. Fair is fair.
Sleeping with the enemy... Jean's heart aches. More than anything, he's furious at himself because how could he have ended up like this? Some soldier he is.
Ruminating over the fact that it's more than just killing Marco that he will never forgive Reiner for…
He profoundly resents being made to feel so many conflicting emotions and having nowhere for them to go.
Hates Reiner for making him fall in love, and then fucking his life up beyond all repair.