Chapter Text
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Choi Minho is thirty years old, and he's doing fine, all things considered.
His family has enough money that he has led a comfortable life. Though his father is a well-decorated coach, Minho never felt the pull of a professional football career, or any specific sport. Instead he became fixated on the forming of muscles, the building of strength. The components of physical fitness and ability.
And so, after acquiring degrees in sports medicine and athletic training, he opened his own gym, where he provides personal training and teaches classes alongside his knowledgeable staff. And though he could have no shortage of famous clients through his father, he prefers to nurture the goals of the common man. His clients are regular people who want to get stronger and live healthier lives.
He likes it that way.
Choi Minho is a fairly humble man. He's sincere and hopeful, a little overbearing to those he loves, and terribly competitive with himself. He always wants to be better, stronger, more fit and able, all in the service of being dependable. So others can depend on him, and so he can depend on himself.
The sincerity is maybe what drew him to his other fixation: the boy band SHINee.
They debuted when he was 16. He was crushing on an older girl, a tomboyish friend of his older brother's, when Replay came out, and it hit him in the heart. The group was soft-faced and sincere, and Minho couldn't help to feel connected to and be pulled in by them.
He knew, at that young and vulnerable age, that it would be strange to be a male fan of a boy group. That boy bands were made for girls. But Onew was so sweet, Jonghyun so sexy, Taemin so precious, Suho so cool, and Key so… (well, he'd get back to that,) but they were so admirable, why couldn't he admire them as a man? Couldn't he admire them aspirationally?
He kept his fandom quiet for that reason, because of the stigma he expected. He was jealous of the girls in high school who openly delighted over the group, opening albums together, collecting photo cards, planning to go to concerts.
He quietly spent his allowance and earnings on albums, and even a fanclub membership, and enjoyed them privately. He eventually made an identity online, became a fixture in the online Shawol community on message boards and later, on twitter. He was determined in his identity as a non-biased Shawol, an ot5-er, declaring that he loved the group for it's completeness. To say he didn't have favorites was technically a lie, but…
That's how, now twice as old as when he met them, he's one of the most dedicated members of the Shinee World there is.
Now…
…Minho didn't have a bias, persay. But he did have, oh.
A fixation. A perplexion. A clothing tag he couldn't fully tear off, a crumb in his shoe that he can't get out.
He's 30 years old, and he sits down with his newly-acquired albums, two versions of Don't Call Me, and says a prayer before opening them. He knows it won't do anything. And it doesn't, because out of each album, he pulls only one member's photo cards:
Key.
Minho sighs and leans back against his couch.
It's always been this way. From his very first EP, he's almost exclusively drawn cards of Kim Kibum.
—
Its not that he didn't like Key, just that he never quite…understood him.
When he was a teenager, he couldn't figure out what Key's angle was, what he was supposed to represent in the pentagram of SHINee. There was just something strange about him. Something that stood out. In his youth, Minho couldn't really recognize the fine line between fixation and attraction.
But fixated he became. He paid extra attention to Key, and described it to himself as a desire to figure him out.
He would admit that Key was pretty, and interesting. He didn't seem interested in building abs like Jonghyun, but he did seem to delight in dancing to girl group songs. After a couple of years, Key became talkative, eager for the spotlight, a funny guest on panel shows. But Minho thought there was also something sad about him, sometimes. Like he was searching for an answer to who he was, too.
It was through his abundance of Key photo cards that he eventually made himself known in the non-digital, material human world of fandom. When he was in college, he finally found himself brave enough to go to a fan cafe. He'd arranged online to meet someone there who was willing to trade other member PCs for his pile of Keys.
When he arrived at the cafe and introduced himself to the girl he was meeting, the whole cafe hushed. He didn't look like anyone else there. He was tall, handsome, built… and a man. He was obviously suspicious. He'd worried that, at best, he'd be perceived as gay, and at worst, a poser looking to take advantage of women in their closed community. But he stuck to his plan to be confident and sincere. He introduced himself to his trading partner, proffered his abundance of Key cards, and, being well versed in the language of the Shawol community, was quickly welcomed. And when, throughout the afternoon, he revealed to other fans that he was the online user FlamingCharisma, he was recognized as having genuine SHINee World credentials.
His love for SHINee was genuine. He was just a totally normal straight guy in love with a boy band.
At that first cafe, he traded away doubles of three Key cards for one each of Onew, Jonghyun, and Taemin.
—
After graduating, Minho opened his gym— Home Star Gym. "A safe and familiar place to return to."
And after being accepted into the fandom in person, he became bolder. He attended his first concert. He went to a fansign. He even went to a music show recording. These gradually became regular activities in his life: opportunities to interface with his idols, and his fellow fans, in person. And both were even more enchanting and inspiring in the flesh.
Also, he eventually found he was not the only male Shawol. And the members didn't seem to mind him. On the contrary, they seemed happy to see him.
Shortly after that, (because he was maybe paying more pointed attention to Key,) he felt like he noticed Key's personality emerge. He leaned into graphic eyeliner and appeared at airports in slick, stunning outfits. He learned from fellow fans that Kibum was "shipped" with Jonghyun. Minho didn't see the chemistry, but he did get the hint about Kibum's identity. Especially when he looked for it. Especially when he started being seen often with fashion model Park Hyeongseop.
He remembered not being able to sleep that night, when the rumor circulated that a staff member allegedly walked in on Kibum and Hyeongseop embracing in a hotel room. He wondered if maybe the online forums were a bad place, actually.
No one dared say the word "gay" out loud. It was euphemisms all the way down. Minho didn't like how that felt.
Deciding that Key was probably gay did not solve the mystery for Minho. Minho wasn't gay, so that couldn't be why he had been oddly fixated on figuring him out.
Minho probably could have had his pick of Shawols to date, actually — he was obviously very attractive and had a built-in similar interest, and naturally, he got several confessions over the years. But he refused them all. He felt like it wasn't right.
Maybe he didn't want a girl to put him second to SHINee, or maybe he worried he'd put a girlfriend second to SHINee, himself.
He became a safe fixture in the community. No one worried about him taking advantage of fellow fans, and so he honored that and maintained it. If that meant that the rest of the fandom perceived him as asexual or celibate, that was fine.
He felt safe here.
—
He feels safe in 2015. He attends an Odd fansign. He compliments Key's costuming for View promotions.
He hires his first, and then his second female trainer to his gym staff.
He feels confident in 2016. He attends a 1 and 1 fansign, where Key is wearing a black choker and an open shirt under a blazer, and Minho only stares a Key's chest a little. Minho tells him he looks good. Kibum says "I know," instead of "Thank you," and he figures he deserves that kind of response. They're both smiling about it, and Minho walks away feeling energized.
Home Star Gym develops a good reputation and a loyal client base. Minho doesn't have to worry about being able to afford the albums and the concert tickets.
He's buoyed by his affirming business and by SHINee's artistry. He's got fandom friends, and happy coworkers. He lets himself wear more revealing shirts, and he lightens his hair.
He begins a regular skincare regimen. He gets his ears pierced.
He wonders if he is only just now starting to feel like himself.
He wonders if this is happiness.
And then.
When Minho is dancing to Shift in his office after hours…
…everything changes.
Minho didn't know how to handle Jonghyun's passing privately. But he had to explain to his staff and his clients that something personal had come up, something that prevented him from doing his job attentively. He kept his fandom and his work completely separate, and his staff in the dark about his particular personal interests, as if living a double life.
So he attended vigils, and found himself to be a supportive shoulder to many tearful embraces. He was sad to mourn, but glad to mourn in the company of a loving community.
SHINee had always been a perfect, five-pointed star. A perfectly balanced, shining object of hope and love. And now, a precious arm was gone. What was SHINee, then? One-fifth dimmer, would it still shine?
Shine it did. But it was rough, like an unpolished diamond. Minho didn't go to the Japanese concert, but watched footage of the members crying, and he cried with them.
Months later, when Kibum revealed his buzzed head, Minho decided to do the same, cutting off all of his hair. He didn't wonder why. He just decided it felt right. To follow Key's lead. He let Key be a beacon in the dark.
Minho mourned in his own ways, public and private, and eventually found a rhythm to his work again.
Story of Light felt strange but welcome. He became more fixated on Key than ever before, looking to him for the correct stages of grief to be in. Minho watched him endure, tired and sick, through Weekly Idol. He felt connected to Key, and he accepted that, even if he still, still didn't know exactly why.
Minho managed to get himself back in order. Onew made his solo debut, days before joining the military. Voice was a gentle album, full of comfort. It eased Minho's worries. Key made his solo debut just weeks earlier, but Face was an album that demanded more of him to fully appreciate.
He became fixated on the track Imagine. He sang along to it, in stunted English, with tears in his eyes. Gradually, he found the album to be inspiring and uplifting like no other album had been for him. This Life became a regular fixture in his workout playlists, toward the end of his sessions, when he'd need a boost of adrenaline and hope.
It their way, SHINee continued to shine for him. When Key announced his military service, Minho decided it was his time, as well.
He joined the marines, and didn't cross paths with any members. But that was for the best. Minho thought he could use a little space.
—
What Minho got, however, was an interest in men. It wasn't a huge revelation. It came as an "oh," rather than an "oh no!" when he found himself genuinely attracted to some of his military comrades.
Maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise. Maybe all this time he was making excuses, or maybe he was just a late bloomer.
Or maybe it was that he didn't want the things that made people think he was gay to be seen as factual indicators of homosexuality. Maybe he wanted it to be okay for straight men to love boy groups, for straight men to not take advantage of a female fanbase on purpose, for men to not be declared gay just because they'd never had a serious girlfriend.
He didn't love SHINee because he was gay. He loved SHINee, AND he was gay.
A lot of things clicked into place for him, then.
Like what made SHINee feel so safe.
And, after all this time, what he saw in Key. He saw someone who wanted to express himself despite stereotypes. The answer to his mystery wasn't that Key was gay. It was that Key made him feel safe. Made him feel confident.
Made him feel like his identity was more complex than the image he chose to present on the outside.
That it was his to choose.
—
When Minho was discharged, his first stop was a fancafe celebrating Key's discharge. He didn't even change out of his uniform. He reunited with old fandom friends, who immediately filled him in on the news: Taemin was yet to enlist, Onew and Kibum and Suho were back, but Suho would be retiring and marrying.
Minho thought he would be sadder. Jonghyun's light was still missing, and Suho's retirement felt like a further fragment. But Minho ended up feeling something comforting from the idea that all five lights were still shining, but traveling in different directions. Finding their own paths among the stars, just like him.
If he was following one star a little more closely than the others, he still wouldn't say it out loud.
—
When Don't Call Me released, Minho was 30 years old.
He bought two copies and pulled all Key cards, as always, and for the first time, it made him happy — comforted, even — instead of perplexed.
He was no longer surprised at the ways the universe pulled him to Key.
Which is probably why he wasn't surprised by what happened next, either.