Work Text:
After another long day of only responding to teammates or their dispatcher when necessary and being sent on boring calls, like she’d do every other week… every other day… for 2 shifts already today. When everyday was a repeat of the last they all just seemed to blur together, mixing up her mornings with the nights before, her weekdays with her weekends. I mean, why waste memory storage on whether an event was yesterday or last month?
During shifts Vulpecula would just work in autopilot mode.. not actually paying much attention to anything. She worked like a robot, she heard a command and she’d follow. she found living felt a little easier that way, not having to actively worry about anything. As she’d fly back to SDN after what felt like 5 hours of running to and from doing things as much as saving cats out of trees and taking dogs on walks, i mean, they were superheroes.. not dogwalkers. usually she’d love the idea of having less work to do but at least throw in something adrenaline inducing… like a hostage situation? maybe not…
Sometimes after work she’d go to the rooftop to just sit and think.. still working on pure autopilot. She allowed her legs to dangle off the edge, her angel wings limp, hugging her sides. Her halo illuminating the area around her, letting the wind push her hair into and away from her face. she leaned over, observing the lights from billboards, buildings, and streetlights creating a disgusting amount of light pollution. observing the people below, walking like little working ants. cars driving by like an omnipresent god-like child playing with toy cars. she watched her fellow heroes fly to their homes… crappy lonely apartments or a nice family… spouse.. maybe kids. why did she always about this… and by ‘this’ she meant her future.. having a family.. having to live in general. it was pathetic, really. she sighed. heavily. letting her head hang, hunching over. she felt silly. a hero.. who could allow people to die peacefully just through a gentle touch, the only person it doesnt work on is herself. pretty shitty considering her circumstances. her power a blessing on paper but a curse in reality. cant inhabit any true relationship. cant hug.. cant kiss.. cant hold hands without siphoning someones lifespan. she was meant to save lives and help people yet she’s thinking about killing herself like a nihilistic teenager. but the thought of falling asleep forever just seemed like the dream. no pun intended.
Reaching her legs up, planting her feet onto the roof and standing up, the wind intensifying, blowing kisses on her face.. running its fingers through her hair, pushing against her wings. her gaze locked onto the ground below, the occasional gusts of cold air drying her eyes out. she probably wasnt actually going to jump.. not because of the fear of death.. she faced life or death everyday, but the idea of trying and ultimately failing just felt like the most embarrassing thing to do. so fantasising about it was as far as she’ll get.. whether it was letting her toes teeter over the edge of a however-tall building, or pouring pills into her hand just to inevitably put them back in their bottle. would this height even kill her? or just break her ankles… lord that’d be humiliating. and what a hospital visit that would be. Not to mention the irony of a suicidal angel.
She blinked finally, and jumped slightly, retreating her feet to be fully on the roofs floor, after a loud voice in her ear spoke up. god. her earpiece. Roberts voice echoed in her head. “Vulpecula??” god she didnt need this.
“watcha-… doing?”
lord he was bad at hiding panic. she eventually slowly lifted her arm up, pressing down on her earpiece to respond.
“winding down.” she replied nonchalantly, like none of this was a problem
“… with your feet halfway off the edge of a 200 foot tall building?”
“delayed going home so you could stalk me?”
“nice deflect.. but i was packing up and couldnt help but notice you halfway through to almost killing yourself.”
the subtle shaking in his voice was so dumb. but, guess it felt nice that he… cared? or maybe he just didnt want to watch her splat on the floor like some modern art piece.
“you know i can fly? im a big girl now! i can handle heights!”
“right.. not like suicide is the act of purposely not living.”
“nice psychology lesson. gonna tell me that depression is when you feel sad?”
“can you just—“ is he really about to lecture her on suicide.
“you gonna tell me that my life is worth living? that i have people who care about me and would be devastated if i died? because im pretty sure every depressed or suicidal person has heard that millions of times.”
can he just go home and just Men in Black his memory of tonight. the last thing she needed was someone to start walking on eggshells around her because they think she’s a fragile doll that’ll break under anything
“… but you- do?” he stuttered
“why would i want to live for the sake of other people. i live for myself, i die for myself. and ill die on my own terms… because- everyones death seems to be on my terms. i get sent to scenes of people with horrific injuries just so im the one to kill them. because when i do it its painless.. its quick.. i just have to hold their hand through it- literally. i get its my job but- damn its-… pretty fucking shitty. i go on calls just to kill people in pain.. but i cant do it to myself? its different because its not physical pain? or is it because its a gruesome, selfish death?”
she scratched her arms through the fabric of her clothes in a weak attempt to ground herself, regulating her breathing and try to hide the pathetic shake in her voice. god she was rambling.. why was she venting to her dispatcher of all people. he didnt need this- nor want it! this poor guy probably just wanted to go home and feed his dog or something, not trying to talk one of his shitty employees out of killing herself.
“Vul…”
“You dont need to say anything. i probably wasn’t gonna end up jumping anyway.”
“Probably isn’t definitively…”
“Well.. yea… it’s probably like a… 80:20 chance”
“Look- I’m not a therapist… I dont know how to talk someone off a ledge but- for gods sake dont be an idiot”
she could practically hear him pinching the bridge of his nose, craning her head back to take another deep inhale of the cold, dusk air. she allowed her wings to surround her body to protect her from the cold, piercing wind
“convincing!”
the silence dragged on painfully long, she really was debating whether to just leap off to end this painful conversation. Her eyes glazed over the sky, the sun already having set.
after a loooong silence he slowly began talking again.
“can you see Vulpecula?”
“… what? can i see..? yes?”
“no- the… the constellation.”
she hesitantly tilted her head up to scan the sky.
“oh… uhm, no.. light pollution.. and it’s already not that bright to begin with.”
“…any others?”
she tilted her head higher. focusing closely on the visible stars, looking to the side, doing 180°’s. ogling at the stars trying to decipher visible constellations.
she slowly spoke up again, pointing towards a small cluster of barely visible spots of white
“i guess you can sort of see gemini?”
he went quiet… supposedly eyeing the pixelated screen, trying to figure out where shes pointing, and if the stars are even visible on a computer as old as these ones.
“oh! yea a little… s’nice…”
the contrast from the prior conversation to this was… nice. it felt calmer. she felt content. she flipped her gaze to her other side.. trying to find more, moseying across the roof, standing on her tip-toes in an attempt to get closer to the sky.
“oh- you can see pegasus pretty well! see that- mildly bright one.. and the little ones next to it?”
she extended her arm once again to precisely point at another cluster of stars. her tone became gentler, almost excited to talk about this shit.
another ebb and flow of silence. the winds soft whooshing noises bouncing off her eardrums, until he spoke up softly again, in that slightly raspy voice.
“oh yea… i see it.”
her, once racing heart fell back into a natural rhythm. granting them to fall into another pit of silence.. only this one felt nice, it felt calm. she heard him take a small breath before talking again.
“you should probably get home anyway.. i know ive gotta feed Beef.”
“right… yea. uhm.. thanks.”
“no worries.”
even if it didnt solve anything in the long run.. maybe tonight she would just go back home.