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“I do.”
Those words were merely part of what sealed the two together. That was all Rui could think about for the rest of the night—except for the part where he couldn’t even utter his own name, but that didn’t quite count.
For once, the director felt as if no pain could reach him. Tsukasa had filled him with so much light that he felt as if darkness was finally foreign to him. In a sense, he felt cured. He had fallen asleep wrapped in not only his husband’s arms, but that cozy feeling in his heart.
~
Needless to say, Rui hadn’t expected to wake up to fog—not in the literal sense, but rather the kind that would cloud his mind and make him feel like dead weight. The kind he had believed couldn’t reach him anymore just the night before. The director was still entangled with Tsukasa, who was fast asleep. The skin-to-skin contact was grounding, to say the least, but the world still felt heavy.
He didn’t want to move, get up, or have breakfast. He wanted to go back to sleep and dream of a life where he didn’t have to feel the way he did anymore.
The director continued to quietly think —the most dangerous thing he could do on a day where his mind was an enemy— for another fifteen minutes before Tsukasa shifted in his hold. The blond stretched out for a few seconds, before opening his eyes and looking at Rui. He couldn’t resist a smile, not when he got to wake up to the face of the man who was now his husband. He glanced down at the taller’s hands, his own, and somehow his smile seemed to be even brighter. The rings on each of their hands made it clear that yesterday was not a dream, that they were married, and that his full name was finally Kamishiro Tsukasa.
The Star wrapped his hands back around his husband, who almost instantly buried his face in his shoulder. He wondered just how long it would be before their signature scents would mix. “Good morning, my dearest director! Did you sleep well?” his voice was scratchy, and lacked some of its usual volume, but it wasn’t in any way quiet, either. Rui gave a small nod, his head still buried out of sight. Tsukasa knew that he wasn’t exactly a morning person, but something about the taller felt… off. They’d woken up in each other’s arms more times than the blond could count, but the director was only that quiet when something was wrong, or he had spent all of his social and verbal energy the day before.
He assumed it was the latter, but he still wanted to check.
Tsukasa pulled away from his husband just enough to get a good look at his face. “Hey, are you doing alright right now?” he was much quieter that time. Rui was staring at nothing and had barely reacted when he moved. When the taller didn’t respond, the star reached out and brushed some of the hair in his face behind his ear. Rui blinked twice, seeming to snap halfway back into reality. He opened his mouth to speak, before quickly closing it.
What was he thinking, about to tell his boyfriend that he was having a flareup with his depression? The director had no right to feel so low the morning after Tsukasa took his surname, and he had even less of one to admit that. It would be like telling his husband that not even promising his eternal love could be enough for him to just be happy.
So instead of being honest, Rui merely smiled. “Mhm, of course I am. How could I feel anything short of excellent after yesterday?” his words felt dry. He felt miserable, lying to his husband on the first day of their marriage.
Tsukasa paused. Perhaps he was just reading too much into his lover’s mannerisms. He was most likely just tired, considering just how busy their wedding had been. He cupped Rui’s cheek and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “That’s good to hear,” he murmured, before pulling his husband into his arms again.
The taller once again buried his face into the blond’s shoulder. He fidgeted with the ring on his finger, trying to remind himself that he needed to get his feelings under control. He didn’t feel like he was enough. He didn’t feel like he deserved what he was given. Tsukasa deserved someone better, someone who wasn’t so weak to his mind.
He needed to do something. He was spiraling. He didn’t want to move. He could wait it out.
“We should probably get something to eat,” Tsukasa admitted after around thirty minutes. Rui gave a small hum of agreement, despite the fact that the idea of getting up felt sickening.
~
So the two made their way out of bed, pulling on their pajamas and starting their morning routine together. Rui would space out somewhat often, and Tsukasa would have to nudge him back to reality. Neither man said much, merely existing in each other’s company. The director made his way to the couch, and the star walked to the kitchen to make breakfast. The taller took one of his technical books and tried to focus past his thoughts, though he barely made it through a page before his husband was gently shaking his shoulder to get his attention.
“Rui, breakfast is ready,” Tsukasa stated for the third time, shaking Rui’s shoulder slightly. His lover jumped, before standing up and placing the book back where he got it from. “Oh, thank you, my star,” he had mumbled, walking to his seat at the dining table. The blond grabbed his hand, stopping him. “Hey, are you sure you’re fine? You know you can tell me if you’re not…”
Rui paused. “I’m fine, Tsukasa-kun. Please don’t spend your energy worrying about me,” he replied, flashing a smile at his husband before turning around and making it the rest of the way to the chair and sitting down. The star pursed his lips, but followed suit, taking a seat in his own chair.
They ate in silence, and Rui managed to stay grounded for the majority of breakfast. Tsukasa tried to make conversation from time to time, but the taller’s responses were minimal. When Rui finished, he took his dishes to the kitchen before disappearing into the bathroom. The blond sighed, burying his face in his hands. Something wasn’t right. Even when he was just exhausted, the director usually stayed within the grasp of reality. He never felt so distant.
And that was when it clicked.
~
Rui knew the second he closed the bathroom door that he was making a mistake. Despite that, he wanted the clarity. He was making Tsukasa worry, and he wasn’t able to will himself to act normal like he’d hoped. Beyond that, the guilt of feeling so low at all the day after his wedding was settling in his stomach. He had ruined their morning after for both of them. It was only reasonable that he’d have to make up for it somehow.
What he hadn’t expected was just how much his mind rebelled against what he wanted to do. He was three years clean, and he’d gone through hell to make that happen. He’d only hurt Tsukasa more if he ruined that too.
He opened the cabinet.
He didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t like he could tell Tsukasa.
He grabbed the box of bandaids, fishing out the blade he’d hidden at the bottom when he moved in.
It wasn’t like he was expecting to use it back then, but it was oddly comforting to know he had a way out just in case things got difficult.
He stared at it, before rolling up his shorts. He then pressed it against his thigh.
All he had to do was drag.
He was shaking. He couldn’t do it.
He gripped the blade a bit harder, biting his lip.
It didn’t change the fact that his hand was frozen in place.
~
Tsukasa was walking towards the bathroom in seconds. A small part of his mind was cursing him for not putting together the pieces sooner, for being so willing to believe Rui was telling the truth. He knocked on the bathroom door.
No response.
The shorter tried again. “Rui, I need you to talk to me,” he called out, once again earning nothing from his husband.
That was—until the blond heard what sounded like a sob.
He didn’t even try to call out to the taller again, he instead grabbed the handle and prayed it was unlocked.
It was.
Tsukasa opened the door the rest of the way, finally laying eyes on his lover. Almost instantly his heart dropped. He rushed to Rui’s side, gently grabbing the hand with the blade and pulling it away from his skin and into his own hands. He pushed it into his pocket and brought his attention to the director, who was stuck in almost the same position and hyperventilating. “Rui- hey, it’s okay. I’m here, and you’re safe.”
Rui could barely hear the shorter past his own thoughts, flip-flopping between shaming him for ever grabbing the blade and ridiculing him for not acting quick enough.
“I- I couldn’t-…” his words were failing him. “I wasn’t able to do it- I just froze and-“ Tsukasa moved in front of his husband, cupping his cheeks just loosely enough for him to pull away. “Hush, just breathe. Can you do that with me?” the taller glanced around the room, before giving a small nod. “Just try to match my breaths, okay?” Rui gave a small nod, and made his way into the star’s arms. He pressed the side of his head against his chest, and tried to focus on his breathing.
It took around five minutes for Rui to steady his breathing, and an extra three to stop shaking. Tsukasa didn’t ask questions until a few minutes after that. He kept one arm wrapped around his lover, and brought the other to his hair, running through it. “Rui, I need you to be honest with me. What’s going on in that head of yours?” the taller bit his lip, before finally speaking.
“I’m upset.”
“With myself.”
His voice wasn’t anywhere near as quiet as it was earlier, but his speech was still choppy. “Why is that?” the blond questioned, tilting his head. “Because I’m like this. Because I’ll always have days where I feel like this.” He explained, frowning. “Because I couldn’t even hide it properly, I couldn’t even spare you from feeling like you didn’t do enough on the day after our wedding.” Tsukasa paused. “So you had a depressive episode…” he began. Rui nodded. “And you consciously decided not to tell me?” The shorter’s voice bordered on a yell in volume, but it didn’t hold any anger.
“I couldn’t bear the idea of you thinking that everything you did wasn’t enough to make me happy, okay? I didn’t want to see you mask disappointment in yourself on the first morning I can call you my husband,” Rui explained. The star pulled away just enough to pull his lover down to his height. “We both know full well that you can be happy and proud and excited while feeling this way. No, it’s not the majority of what you’re feeling, but it’s not just gone, either. And we’re both aware of the fact that your disorder doesn’t just play nice because you had an amazing day yesterday. I am never going to take offense to something chronic flaring up!!”
Tsukasa was… definitely yelling. He wasn’t angry, he was just loud and concerned. “But today was a day for us to be nothing but happy, to enjoy the bliss, and now it’s none of that!” Rui argued, much quieter than his husband but still evidently upset at himself. “And? That’s what the normal people do. We didn’t get named the ‘Weirdo Wombo Combo’ by the entire school just to be normal now!! We’ll enjoy the bliss tomorrow, or maybe the day after that if this doesn’t clear up. We don’t have to do things the way society wants us to do them. We participated in more than enough of that during the actual ceremony.”
The blond was lightly shaking his lover, who found himself wanting to laugh just a bit at Tsukasa’s words. A part of his mind wanted to believe him. “But now you have to sit here and drag me away from relapsing. Is that not exhausting? That you still have to do this even three years later?”
Tsukasa blinked at him twice, completely speechless.
“Did you just magically forget the lines ‘in sickness and in health’?? You know, the words in our vows?? I married you because I am here to stick by your side for as long as I physically can. I didn’t marry you just to feel attacked when you have a flare-up. I married you because you’re the director and husband of my dreams, even with your bad days factored in.”
Rui pulled back just slightly, considering Tsukasa was getting a bit loud. The shorter quieted down when he noticed. “I’m not mad at you for this. I just want you to tell me next time. I don’t care if it feels like the wrong time or place.” The star stated, finally letting go of Rui’s cheeks. “So now, tell me what you need.”
The taller looked away. “For one, to throw away that blade, I don’t trust myself right now,” he admitted, crossing his arms. “I’ve already got that handled, don’t worry.” His husband replied. “beyond that, I wouldn’t mind staying in bed or on the couch. I would want to watch something to silence the background noise, though,” he admitted.
Tsukasa thought for a moment. “How about we watch some of our first shows in the bedroom? we can figure out what to do with the rest of the day later.” The director stood up. “I’ll go lay down then, if that’s alright?” His husband nodded. “Of course it is. I’ll be there with you in a moment, okay? Just hang tight.”
The blond joined Rui in bed a few minutes later, cuddling up next to him after setting up the recording.
The taller rolled over, looking up at the television. He nestled his head under Tsukasa’s chin.
And despite the fact that he still felt dull and entirely out of it, Kamishiro Rui felt he knew one thing.
He wouldn’t hide another episode from his husband.