Chapter Text
It was your second year of studying here. You're not focused on your major and frankly you're not focused on anything anymore. Barely passing the exams, giving your projects past deadline. Sometimes not even participating in your lectures at all.
Obvious to say your life is not great if it came to that point. No, that's not enough. It sucks. But when and why did it exactly turn out like that? When you parted ways with your best friend? When you became a fucking nympho? When you realized you'll never be with the person you love? Or when your results came as a beta while your long time crush is casually prime alpha as if it's the most normal thing for him to be? Honestly, it probaby was expected of him to be. Satoru, the heir of Gojo family, the one to inherit tech branch, one that's the largest on the market.
There's nothing wrong in being beta. You were said you have it much better than omegas. You don't have heats, ruts or whatever they struggle with. Pheromones doesn't bother you cause you don't feel them. Your life should be safe and content right? It shouldn't look like this. YOU shouldn't look this. Like a shadow of a person you used to be. Then why is it something hurting you for years?
The less you were thinking about it the less it bothered you, that is obvious. It's not like it didn't hurt you before. It did but less? Maybe Satoru's presence was making it lighter but at the same time it was his presence that was causing it. Being in love with your best friend was already hard enough but make it much much worse. He is a prime Alpha and you? You're just a commoner. A Beta. Dream on, because he will never be yours, he was never meant to be. But even if he wasn't, he was still noticing you and he was still a best friend. He still is, you don't want to say he's not. If anything, it's you being an awful friend. He studies abroad god knows where but he desperately tries to stay in touch.
He's.. not around anymore. So you're just hurt. No comfort. It all went down when he left. Satoru can only as much as try if you don't give a shit about him. You were hurt and now you were hurting him. For a year.
But that's okay, that's just part of the process to unlove him and start enjoying your ordinary life. If that succeeds maybe you'll still stay friends, maybe you'll be on his wedding with his mate, maybe you'll be watching his future pups? Without hurting. But it's a curse. You can't stop loving him. God, you try so much but you just can't.
You're not enjoying your ordinary life by whoring around with other alphas, jumping on their cocks. Imagining that is no one else that Gojo Satoru. God, but it just makes you feel better for a short time. Nothing makes you feel better anymore. Maybe a knot would make you feel better? From Satoru. Perhaps.
It's so obvious that something bothers you, that something is clearly not fucking right. You have Shoko and Suguru around. They are always trying to help. But they can do so little if you push them away. Maybe you don't want to admit you need help, and so by accepting theirs, you'd have to admit that? They won't judge you more than already but you just says it's nothing and stays inside your room for next three days. At this point they do not how to help you anymore. Maybe if you'd fucking talk to them they knew.
But you're making the worst decisions now. And worse are yet to come. You'll heal one day, right? You'd just woke up and realize you don't love Satoru anymore and proceeds with your life. That's how happy ending has to look like, right? ...There's no happy ending, right? There won't be if you'll continue all this.
But living your imaginative dreams during heat of the moment is something. It's illusory but it's.. something. Though you wouldn't have to imagine a knot anymore if you'd actually get one so that's one absurd goal that lowkey keeps you going.
You don't really know anymore if it's Monday or October. But you decided to finally leave your bed and surprise your classmates and professors. Remind them that you are still alive and still technically studying here. Even though you're slowly failing your classes. Not that many cares for you existence, you didn't manage to make new friends beside those who were always by your side. But even those few you keep pushing away. Intentionally or not.
Yesterday you spent a whole day sulking in bed after your hookup went wrong. Maybe wrong is a bad word but it disappointed you immeasurably. As for reminding what happened...
Reduced to a pathetic mess on all fours with your ass up on someone's bed. Your head pressed firmly against the mattress by an unknown hand. His grip in your hair tightens and it hurts just right.
"Please.. knot me I beg you-"
You managed to stutter as his deep thrusts makes you forget who you are. Alpha you don't even remember name, lied on top of you and weighs his body to press you even harder on the bed. There is no gentleness in his rough movements. He seems to only care for his own pleasure, blatantly using you. It's just a mindless hookup so as long as he makes you cum it's tolerable. You don't play fair neither, you don't care for who fucks you as you just keep imagining one specific person, which is fucked up on it's own.
He calms his breathy chuckles and answer by whispering in your ear. Making your body shiver in response.
"Mm.. gonna knot my little slut, s'that what you want?"
You tighten around his shaft and wriggle underneath his larger body. Yes, that's what you want. Even if you're a beta that has no real use of it. Even when it does not make sense, you dream of being knotted. What a pathetic and weird dream.
He bites on your shoulder and finishes this façade with few groans. While laying on the bed coming to your senses after orgasm, you rewind what happened and come to conclusion there was no knot despite what he said.
He shifts and is already standing next to the bed putting on some clothes. No after care from a dick like him, not that you expected it. You wipe sensitive body and look at him annoyed.
"So, where was your knot?" Blunt, but you had to ask.
He laughs at your question. You bite your lip to not say anything more, what a fucking humiliation.
"You? I thought you're into weird shitty roleplay!" Oh. He makes fun of you. Well, you didn't go to bed with him for his personality. He's rather known from being an asshole and nothing more. Decent fuck if you had to rate it.
"No way I'd ever knot something without a smell! It doesn't come out on a whim you idiot."
Yeah you're not going to sleep with him ever again. You try not to sleep multiple times with one person anyway. But this guy is on a blacklist now. Made you feel even worse. Beside that, sex part was good, but it's always good with alphas. What was his name anyway? Naota? Naoya? Just another fratboy loser. You hope to not meet him anytime soon.
"You're lucky I even did that with you, whore. You should be thankful! Know your place you dumb bitch." He's fixing his stupid bleached hair with some gel as you scatter your clothes to leave fast. Holding your tears, praying he won't notice else he'll laugh even more. But he doesn't spare you a second glance.
It ruined your day and you needed another excuse to sleep and avoid lectures. It's not your first and not your last hookup that made you feel like shit. It sure is last one with that dick. Maybe you just need to be careful with choosing alphas? Naoya was giving you bad vibes from the very start, you should have listened to your own guts back then.
Yeah, just reminding all that gave you a bad taste.
You planned to attend the lecture after that day. You really did! But today was also shitty and you bumped into a fellow Alpha you already slept with thrice. He just waved a hand at you to check if you're planning to say hello or act like you don't know him. Even for a mere hook up he was kind and respectful to you. Maybe didn't give you what you wanted but stated things clear which you liked. You even bothered to remembered his name, Haru. Or at least you think that's the correct one?
And that's how in the halfway to the main building you ended in someone's bed yet again.
Haru was that rare specimen of a hookup interested in the small talk and not jumping straight to bed even if that's where you two would end up anyway. Maybe you have a low standards if human decency is a nice change for you. Or maybe alphas you meet are all shitty.
That's a kind break from the previous Naota incident. Or Naoya. Whatever the fuck his name was. You don't want to bother remembering a name of an random asshole. Unforgettable face was enough of a punishment but you hoped that would fade away one day as well.
You two managed to drink a tea and decide on bed matters. You kindly explain how you're still knot-driven but knows that no Alpha will give that to you unless you're the one in a heat or they are in a rut. Which they wouldn't obviously spend with you, the hookup. The beta hookup.
He says how he can't give you what you want neither this time. You know that. It's still a bummer hearing that tho.
"You know... If it didn't depend on my physiology I'd gladly give that to you. I wouldn't mind." Your eyes sparkle at his response. He wouldn't be a bad boyfriend material you think. That's if he didn't have his own sick reasons to sleep with you. Plus emotional baggage and some trauma probably. Not that different from you.
"And your situation? Still the same?" You ask him but he just sighs. More or less you remember what bothered him and drove in your arms.
He fucks you cause you remind him of a mated omega he's in love. Well... you sleep with alphas cause you can't be with that one specific alpha so you're not the one in position to complain about his reasons. In a way, you two are similar. Maybe you could even become friends if you didn't have a rule you don't want to be too attached to your hookup. Not like any strings would even start to exist with one.
You hear some unimportant buzzes meaning someone is spamming you right now, but you ignore it completely as you and Haru moves to bed now. 'Someone chose a bad moment'
You usually don't let them kiss you unless it's in the heat of the moment. But Haru grazes your cheek so carefully, sucking down your throat. You notice how his eyes are shut tight, probably imagining someone else in your place. Just like you do with him. You play with his brown hair wondering if that's something his lover would do.
It doesn't take long as he puts it inside and hides his face in your neck. He really fucks like he means it. You enjoy it, healing after yesterdays hookup that made you cry.
You scratch his back imagining it's someone elses flesh under your nails. Maybe because of yours two imagination it's so pleasurable. Giving your best for your loved one that is not present here. Only in your mind. You come with an image of certain white-haired asshole that makes you smile. That's when he moans a name you've never heard before, spilling release all over you. Good he said that after you came, otherwise it would be awkward for you.
Shit, now you hope you never ever said Gojo's name before during sex with some rando. Haru probably didn't do that on purpose, just accidentally and you don't fault him for that. You should understand it better than anyone else.
The quickie in his dorm was a pleasant one. You felt treated right so maybe it was even better than going on the lectures. But you wonder if he'd treat you that way if you weren't reminding him of his unrequited love. You hope it's not the case cause that would just make him another awful human being.
Your phone's screen lits as your dear friend texts asking about your day and if you made it to the class.
you: I tripped and fell into his bed 💔
You know you disappointed Shoko and she probably sighs heavily at you right now.
Shoko: you gonna get yourself kicked. you barely passed last year..
anyway where r u?
someone s looking for u btw
Oh what the hell. You don't want to know who's looking for you while sitting in your hookup's bed after doing it. Very bad fucking moment. Frankly you don't want to meet with anyone right now. At the very least, you want some fresh air and read that text when you'll clean your head and be mentally ready for anything that awaits you. Shoko's not the type to make some surprises so it's even weirder.
You scratch your head while in the middle of the campus, on your way back to dorms. 'Who in the world would be looking for me?' You think about some hookups but god, they wouldn't be bothering your friend would they..? Just simply text you? None of them were that desperate and creepy to stalk you or your friends. God thanks for that not happening!
You don't write back cause something startles you. Someone to be specific. A voice you should not be hearing. 'That's-...no, that's impossible! It can't be him right!?'
"Yo!"
You freeze after that familiar voice you can recognize in a second. But you can't believe your own eyes.
"Surprised?"
He smiles as wide as he can and slowly walks over to hug you.
"Sa-..Satoru??" You just manage to say his name as strong arms grabs you and happily spins with you in his embrace.
"What.. what are you doing here!? You should be hundred of miles away!" Your tone might sound pretensional but you're just shocked.
"Aww.. you want me gone that bad? I just got here!" Satoru frees you from his tight embrace to look deep in your eyes. Overwhelms you by his vividly cerulean blue eyes looking at you so lovingly.
"I missed you! And I wanted to make you a surprise. So I came here~"
You chuckled still couldn't quite understand it. He studies abroad at high elite university and comes to see you on a random Monday? Or Tuesday? Whatever it is today.
"Just.. just like that? No funny business? I haven't seen you for more than a year now!"
At first you thought he came for some urgent family matter. Because just visiting you doesn't sound like a valid reason...
He flashes you teeth and smiles before giving you an answer.
"Well~ technically there is another reason! I moved schools. I'm attending here from now on~ Surprised?"
You're mouth opens then closes and again and again. Blinking at him unable to form a sentence. What he says doesn't fucking make sense. Who the hell ditches his great prestigious school for decent one, to not call it bad. Ditches his future! His career! Everything! Apparently Gojo Satoru does that... He is unpredictable and crazy a bit so maybe it makes a sense for him to pull such move out of nowhere.
"..Happy?" Staring right at you, waiting for any reaction, he's this excited.
Are you? Are you really happy? Or scared? Mad? Angry? Relieved? In love?
You shyly nods your head and quietly confirms.
"Yeah.. I am..!"
You try to give him a smile but it doesn't come of as a genuine one. Because are you really happy? Truly? You should be. Without questioning it. But you do question it... Doesn't that make you horrible?
Still can't puzzle quite right what he just said. Holy shit, does that mean you'll be like.. seeing him around here? That's grea- wait that's awful? You're almost a known slut around. Surely around frathouses. What if he hears about it? He can't hear about it!
There's no chance he won't hear about that. Are you just utterly fucked right now? Not only you couldn't be coping in your only fucked and unhealthy known way to cope, but you'd have to handle his overwhelming presence. You weren't that ashamed of what you were doing. You're already at the bottom so what worse can people think? You simply tried not to care about that.
But fuck, you care about what Satoru thinks. And what will he think? Oh christ, what will he think about all this? About your destructive behavior? Your whoring around?
Will he left you? Totally. Even if not, then he should. Avoid you irl just like you were ghosting him online for no good reason.
Wait, who are you thinking about? It's.. Satoru. He's not like that. You know that. But you're shattered, you deserve what's worse. Definitely do not deserve him.
You're a beta, he's an alpha. Prime one. Just leave him fucking alone, won't you? Don't corrupt him, don't think about him. He's not yours. And never will be! Hah.. it's so obvious. How are you supposed to live now with your unrequited love near? Now those feelings won't go away. And.. you were supposed to heal out of those! Wasn't that the original plan?
"...Hey!"
.
.
.
?
.
.
"...I'm talking to you."
.
.
Oh. You.. didn't hear. You were so busy spiralling down your mind you left this world for a minute. Or what felt like an eternity of intrusive thoughts flooding your head. You had no idea what was he talking about. Maybe shittalking you telling how much he despises you? You know he's not like that..
You can now notice his worried, even frightened look as he holds you by your shoulders. If not that you'd probably pass out.
"..are.. you okay..?"
God you're so much not fucking okay. He knows that. He can't possibly not know that by how broken you look right now. Even without that, he was always observant and perceptive one. Basically no matter what you answer now, he knows how it is.
But you do what you've been doing for so long now. Deny everything.
"..yeah...just.. surprised" You did your best holding your tears back but voice cracked on the last word.
It's tragic, honestly. In fact, few tears did fall down your cheek, as he now wipes them away.
What a terrible first impression you did after such long time..