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The sky is always so cloudy in this town, no matter the weather. It always feels so sullen, especially cooped up in this apartment all alone. Your boyfriend would be home any minute, or at least that’s what you’ve been telling yourself for how ever any hours it’s been now. The bed the two of you share is so cold without him, no matter how much of your own body heat you try and cling to. A deep sigh escapes your chest as you set down the mind numbing book you’ve been using to distract yourself- why can’t he just stay home? Why does he have to go out drinking with his friends? Especially when he knows the state you’ve been in as of late. This sort of thing tends to happen, every month or so you hit an unexplainable low full of intrusive thoughts and dangerous idealizations. There isn’t really a time when you don’t remember this happening- it’s been a battle your entire life. A battle that you fear you may loose one day, or at least you tell yourself that when times get tough.
Benjamin’s love however has been the best medicine you have yet to find. He’s tender and kind most of the time, even when eventual turmoil happens between the two of you, he’s patient. Especially in times like these, in fact usually he would be right by your side, keeping you safe from your own internal demons. Lately though, you fear you’ve become too much for him ever since he found out you had relapsed during your last depressive episode. You always knew he’d grow tired of it, of you- the constant back and forth of being okay and falling to shambles. He detests that you feel the need to hurt yourself and to be honest you do as well. Each time he’s caught you it’s like looking into the eyes of a terribly abused puppy. Something about the control of causing your own pain for once is addictive, something you crave when nothing else seems to be going your way. Your desire for the pain takes over, even if you know it will harm him in the process as well. No matter how many books you’ve read this night, or how many songs you’ve played on the record player you can’t shake the terrible, gut wrenching feeling that Ben is going to leave you. The disappointment in his face the last time he saw your fresh wounds told a story. Why would he want to stay with someone like you? Your boyfriend is beautiful, smart and talented- he’s surrounded by much more stable friends that probably love him just as much as you do. He doesn’t need you in the same way that you need him. Your eyes flash to the clock, your chest rising and falling faster and faster as your thoughts get the better of you. It’s almost midnight, he’s never out this late- not while you need him the most. He’s probably talking to his friends about it right now, planning on how he’s going to leave without feeling responsible for your suicide. He’s watched you fall apart too many times, to him you must be broken by now.
Hot tears run down your cheeks, scorching the skin beneath the streams. You practically choke out as you hold yourself for dear life, hoping and praying for these feelings to go away. But they won’t- they never will, they haven’t before so why would they start now? You aren’t even sure when it happened but before you know it your standing over the bathroom sink, looking down at your own broken open flesh. The blade pierces your skin quite easily, ripping open the meat of your arm. You watch as blood builds into the open wounds before rolling off the sides of your arms and into the sink below. This continues on for some time until you’re satisfied, the come down of your meltdown beginning as well as the reality setting in of what you just did. How could something that felt so good in the moment sting so bad when it’s all over? Your open wounds continue to spill as you collect the supplies to clean yourself up, the exposed muscle becoming sensitive to the crisp air around you the longer you wait.
The clean up process was easy, it always is. What takes the longest really is just waiting for the bleeding to stop. It isn’t long before your back in your bedroom, sitting in the same place this all started. Before getting back into the book you were reading, you make sure to put on a long sleeve in hopes of hiding your monstrosity from your boyfriend who will evidently and hopefully be home in the next hour. It wasn’t even a few minutes after you sat back down that you heard the front door open to your small apartment, footsteps entering the door way. “Babe! I’m home!” You listen as he shuffles around, probably setting down his things and taking off his shoes. You don’t respond, just sit and stare at the door, book still in hand. The sound of him walking down the short hallway can be heard ringing through the paper thin walls before the bedroom door flies open with care. “You in bed?” He asks, his voice is soft just in case you’re asleep. He peeks his head inside and instantly smiles at the sight of you sitting on the bed, still awake and waiting for his arrival. “You’re up.” He walks over and takes a seat on the bed next to you, instantly engulfing you into his form. He’s still wearing his outside jacket and smells like beer- you wince. “Are you okay?” Your face is buried into his chest, book now casted aside but your arms still by your side. His hands come up to rub the crown on your head, running his cold fingers into the skin of your scalp. You go to open your mouth and speak but when you don’t respond fast enough, he pulls away just enough to look at your face. “What’s wrong?” He asks, more urgently this time, searching for what emotion you may be feeling in this moment.
You look up from his chest and flash the realest faux smile you can muster before grabbing his hands, “I’m fine, but tired. Where were you?” Your response causes his features to soften instantaneously, content with the idea of you being just fine while he was gone. “You were gone for so long…” Your voice trails off as you watch him curiously gaze into your eyes, in search of sincerity.
“I know, I’m sorry. Nino’s getting married!” He’s clearly excited, eyes lighting up as he shared the news with his beloved girlfriend. “I didn’t mean to take so long, we just had a lot to celebrate.” His thumbs now caressed the back of your hands, leaving soft circles on your skin that burn due to your building anxiety. Yeah, that was a great excuse actually- a genuine reason to be gone for so long.
A gulp gets caught in your throat, god you want to throw up. “Oh wow!” You try to sound as excited as the man before you but your voice comes out in a tremble as you begin to nearly shake. “That’s great.” Based on the look in your partners eyes you can tell he knows there’s something very wrong, the facade you had been able to keep up until now is crumbling apart around you and he knows it.
“Oh baby, there’s something wrong… I can see it. What’s going on?” His grip on your hands tighten, trying to give you strength. He’s doing anything to try and keep eye contact with you as he waits for something, anything to explain what could be wrong with his dearest. He loves you so much… why would the voices tell you he’s going to leave. As per usual, Ben is right by your side prepared to fight your battles with you, yet you allowed the intrusive thoughts get the best of you once again.
“I-“ You’re afraid if you speak another word you’ll fall to pieces right there and then in front of him. You give his hands a squeeze in return, now refusing to look back into his light ocean eyes.
“Hey…” He starts, trying to coax you out of your shell. His hand goes to rub a comforting touch into your wrist, but you flinch and nearly jump out of his grasp. Based on the pained expression on your face, he hurt you- something hurt when he touched your wrist, why else would you pull away from him? It took him but a moment to register that something was wrong with your wrist, “what happened to your-“ his eyes go wide. He tries to find your avoidant gaze as you clutch your arm close to your body like a wounded animal. “You…” His voice starts calm, almost breathless. “What did you do to yourself?” It’s fully registered to him now that something happened while he was gone, his voice raising in octave and volume. “No seriously, what did you do?”
You finally allow your eyes to make contact with his, tears welling in the corners of your water line, threatening to spill. “Ben…” Words can’t describe the guilt and underlying unease you feel. The guilt is for how you know this makes him feel, and your nerves are for his reaction. Before you can even try to lie yourself out of this or minimize the situation he reaches out and snatches your arm, almost a little too aggressively for your comfort. “Ow!” You yelp out in pain as he pulls your sleeve up as high as it will go, revealing the brand new cuts you gave yourself barley an hour prior.
His eyes quickly shift between your desperate iris’s and the wounds scattering your skin, his breath begins to pick up. “Oh my god-“ He starts, urgently releasing your arm and standing to his feet next to the bed, now towering over you. “You promised me you wouldn’t do that again!” He almost shouts, visibly shaking. Beginning to worry he’s about to have a panic attack you reach out to him with your injured limb but he backs away. “No! You promised me!” His hands are shaking by his sides as he looks you up and down, a mix of frustration and worry covering his usual stoic face. His eyebrows are furrowed, cheeks flushed and lip quivering- the sight before you is tearing you apart and making you feel fearful that this is his last straw with you. He shouldn’t have to worry about his girlfriend assaulting her own body every Friday night he wants to see his friends.
“Benji…” His nickname passes through your lips but gets choked up by a tear that involuntary falls down your flushed cheek. “I’m sorry, I just-“ You aren’t even sure what you’re opening your mouth to convey- anything you can to try and calm your boyfriend down.
“Give it to me!” He speaks with urgency, interrupting any plea you were about to make.
A confused expression instantly paints itself across your features. “Give you what-“
“The razor you cut yourself with, or knife- what ever it was! Give it to me!” He stutters while his eyes stare into yours with fiery passion, a dangerous sheen you’ve never seen in his eyes before. For a moment you hesitate, but Ben doesn’t seem to be feeling very patient right now, the tone of his voice is telling you that he’s not going to wait very long for you to give it to him. You reach over behind your body and push the bedside table’s drawer open with your trembling fingers before fumbling inside the drawer for the razor blade you used to do the deed. A moment of uncomfortable silence between the two of you fills the room, shuffling sounds from within the drawer cutting through the tension like a knife- but only momentarily. He sticks his hand out, presenting you a firm motion to hand it on over with his long digits. You silently hand it over and he wastes no time snatching it from your grasp.
“What are you gonna do with-“ He’s truthfully beginning to scare you.
“It hurts me baby…” His voice is softer than before, his appearance unfaltering as he grips the razor blade between two fingers. “It hurts me so bad- you don’t understand… am I not good enough for you?” The idea that Ben would ever think that makes you feel worthless, he is more than enough for you. Had the disappointment really been for himself and not you this entire time?
“What? Benji, no! I-“ You try and defend yourself, explain yourself to some capacity but he will allow no words from you.
“Don’t you love me? Why do you want to hurt me like this?” He asks, persistent and visibly torn to pieces. It’s really seemed like your partner has snapped, this really was his final straw. In a brisk movement he tugs his jacket off his body and lets it fall off to the side of him, the sharp blade still gripped between his fingers like his life depended on it. He finally takes a few steps forward back towards you, reaching and grabbing your chin harder than he ever had before to look at him. Silent tears pour from his eyes as he stares you down- his usual baby blue eyes clouded with an amount of hate you’ve never seen before. “I’m going to show you how much it hurts me.” The calmness in his words send terror all the way up your spine and through out your finger tips. Stepping back, keeping controlled eye contact he then displays his pale arm out towards you before taking the razor blade and sending it across his skin.
A shrill leaves your body that neither of you had ever heard before. “Ben no! What are you doing!?” Tears instantly fall from your eyes, voice cracking in half as you shout at your disheveled boyfriend. “Stop!” You yell and lunge forward as he continues to cut horizontal lines down his forearm to his wrist, just like yours. He backs up quickly to dodge you without a word, continuing to cut himself. “Please Ben!” You continue to beg, afraid to reach any closer and touch him, in fear of what he would possibly to do himself if you tried to lunge once more.
“This is your punishment for what you’ve done! You’ll never hurt yourself again.” Virtually unfazed by the pain, he shouts at you- causing you to back up even further into the bed. Blood begins to pour from his open wounds, down his arm and onto the carpeted floor of your shared bedroom. Having a hard time pulling your eyes away from the cuts, you freeze- filled to the brim with despair and concern for Ben. In that moment you begin to profusely sob while silent tears continuing to stream down your lover’s face. “Tell me you’ll never hurt yourself again!” Sobs begin to rush out of him as well, blood pouring at a faster rate due to the adrenaline running through his body. By this point he’s stopped the mutilation, razor and hands covered in his own blood.
“I- I’ll never hurt myself again… I’m sorry.” You manage to choke out through sobs as you stare into his manic eyes. His chest is rising and falling at a rapid pace, a bright red hue covering his cheeks. After showing no signs of composing himself you continue to reassure him. “I promise Ben, I promise!”
There’s a moment of silence where you’re unsure of what he’ll do next until a hopeless shadow casts over his expression. “If you do…” He starts, his hand reaching over to bring the blade back to his wrist. In that moment pure panic sets into your nervous system. “I’ll kill myself, just for you.” The blade bites into the heart of his skinny wrist as he begins a vertical motion up his own arm, the same arm he’s been ruining right in front of you.
You gasp and cry out to him in that instant, lunging yourself forward to knock you both to the floor. A muted thud sounds through out the room as you both hit the carpeted ground, “Don’t!” There’s so many words dancing through your head but not a single one manages to escape the tip of your tongue besides just that. The razor fell next to your collided bodies, staining the carpet below it with his dark red blood- your eyes shift between it and his tearful eyes before you yank his lacerated arm up to your view. Nearly hyperventilating, you inspect his wrist in fear that the vertical cut he just attempted to make fully pierced and gouged through his skin- but luckily it didn’t. You had gotten to him in time. Frantically you scan his arm up and down as it continues to bleed onto himself, you and the floor. Your legs are straddling him as you sit on top go his lanky figure. “Ben…” You say in disbelief, looking between him, his arm and down to the floor, afraid to look into his broken eyes. It is then that you break down sobbing once again, pulling his arm full of cuts close to your face, his blood getting all over your cheeks. “Why would you do that?” Your lips quiver, leaving soft kisses on his torn apart skin.
“Promise me…” The hostility in his voice is gone, it’s now gentle and soft. His other hand comes up to your chin, using it as leverage to make you look down at him but with much more kindness than last time. “Please promise me.” Desperation is the only word that could be used to describe his cadence as he pleaded with you.
Starting with a rapid nod of your head, you’re prepared to do anything to convince him you’ll never do it again, fearful of him keeping his own promise to end it all in your name- right in front of you. “Yes, yes- I promise you… I promise, I promise.” Steadily, you let go of his fragile arm covered in crusted blood and lean down to lie your head into your beloved’s chest. He allows you to adjust yourself onto him without any resistance and even wraps his arms around you as you nuzzle into him as close as you can possibly manage. “I promise…” You continue this mantra as he runs his fingers through your hair. Neither of you seem to care about the bloody mess he made that has now made it’s way onto your clothes and his own.
“Look at me.” The sound of his voice being much closer to what you’re used to brings you reassurance that he has settled down. “I wanna see you.” You sit up, hands by the sides of his head to hold yourself up. The two of you stare into each other’s eyes for what feels like an eternity, an eternity of bliss after everything you just witnessed. “Kiss me.” He sweetly demands. You don’t hesitate to lean down and kiss him- fearing just moments ago that you would lose him for good.
The kiss starts off soft and sweet, leisurely escalating to a much more passionate and intense exchange. After everything that just happened you’re not sure how and why but you can feel his cock harden in his pants as you straddle his lap. Noticing his arousal, you begin to grind your hips lazily into his as the feverish kiss ensues- earning a soft grunt from the man beneath you. His hands grip onto your hips now, pushing you deeper into his crotch with firm pressure to collect as much friction as possible. You pull away from the kiss but just for a moment, “fuck me Benji.” Your voice is amorous and inviting. You’re determined to make the one you love most feel good.
In a swift motion he has you pinned below him, still on the blood stained floor next to your bed. Another battle of the tongues begins as he wastes no time removing your bottoms and panties along with them. Teeth clank together while spit falls from both of your mouths, sounds of pleasure and compassion hiding the sounds of Ben struggling to get his own pants off. It doesn’t take long before he’s filling you up, making sure every last inch of his length is stretching you out. A long string of sighs and whines dance off your tongue as he picks up the pace, hitting every deep crevice of your pussy that he knows oh so well. He’s slamming into you repeatedly, your eyes attempting to roll back but you don’t want to miss the sight above you- you’ve always loved to watch him work so hard up there just for you.
“I love you.” He stutters out, tenderly grabbing your cheeks in one hand and faintly brushing his lips against yours. He places kisses down your clothed shoulder and arm until he reaches your wounded wing. Careful not to bring you any more pain he rolls your sleeve up with care, his hips coming to a halt whilst still inside of you. Silent tears fall from his glossy blue iris’ as he leaves peppered kisses down your self inflicted wounds. “I would die for you.” He speaks into the flesh of your arm before reluctantly letting go of it and pulling you back close to him where you belong. The motion in his hips continues, rutting into you as he holds your bodies impossibly close to one another- as close as you could ever be. “There would be no me, without you.” You moan into the crook his neck at his words of devotion, the knot in your lower abdomen getting tighter and tighter with each thrust of his cock into your heat. Every seraphic word he says feels like a divine threat, all in the name of how much he loves you. He begins to whine your name into the shell of your ear, “I’m close baby.” You know that you are as well, ready to cum with the one you love so dearly that it almost brings you pain.
Both of your orgasm’s hit like a wave of scalding hot fire, holding each other as close as humanly possible- you want to crawl and die inside of his skin. Nothing else in this moment matters- not the blood and it’s stains, not the open wounds scattered across both your arms and his, not even the trauma you both faced tonight due to each other’s actions. You made a promise tonight and you plan to keep it, no matter how bad the monsters inside of your head become for he is a demon slayer. “I love you Ben.” You finally find the words to repeat back to him, your body trembling from how vigorously you finished all over his cock. His length sits soft, still inside of you after filling you to the brim with his cum. He’s never held you quite this tight.
“You promise me?”