Archive of Our Own

“Draw a name,” Jinx said, slamming the cup in front of him.

“What?” Viktor asked, not looking up from the paper he was grading. Jinx has been his TA for a year and he had been her advisor for four years before that. By now, he was far too used to her antics to pay them much mind.

“Draw a name. We’re doing Secret Secular Winter Gift Giving Tradition.”

“What?” he asked again, looking up this time.

Jinx sighed, long and loud, like he was being stupid on purpose. She jumped on the desk, sitting cross-legged next to the cup, and put her elbows on her knees, meeting his eyes. He was also used to that. The girl had no boundaries.

“Secret. Secular. Winter. Gift. Giving. Tradition,” she said like it meant something.

“Secret Santa?” Viktor asked, mouth quirking.

“Yeah, usually, but Talis pointed out that you’re Jewish.”

Viktor tried very hard not to give a little soft smile at that. Judging by the look on Jinx’s face, he failed. It was embarrassing. 

“And the rest of you are God-fearing Christians?” Viktor rejoined.

“Nope. Talis was weird about it. I think he was just trying to use you as an excuse not to do it but I outsmarted him.”

“Congratulations,” Viktor said flatly. “What are we doing?”

“Draw a name. Get them a gift, limit’s $50 because Mel and Princess Caitlyn Kiramman thought $20 was insultingly low, and we’ll do a little exchange on December 21st,” Jinx rattled off.

“Solstice?”

“Last staff day before Winter Break frees us all from the shackles of academia.”

“Is everyone participating because if I get Salo, I will quit.”

“Nah. Just the cool kids. You, me, and Ekko obviously plus Talis, Caitlyn, Mel, Sky, and Vi. Oh. And my dads because we’re having the party at their bar.”

“I don’t know what to get your fathers,” Viktor said skeptically.

“Silco likes whiskey. Vander also likes whiskey. Easy peasy.”

“Hm. Well. All right,” Viktor said, reaching in and pulling out a slip of paper.

Viktor frowned at the Silco written in Jinx’s colorful scrawl. He was the more intimidating of Jinx’s fathers. Viktor had met him twice, first when Jinx was a freshman in his intro to physics seminar and he came to watch her final (brilliant) presentation and then again a few months ago at her birthday party. He had eyed Viktor suspiciously and been curt with him in direct contrast to her other father, Vander’s, warmth. Jinx said he was just protective. Viktor hadn’t appreciated the implications. Jinx was like his occasionally annoying, wickedly smart, hyperactive little sister. Besides which, he was completely uninterested in women and mostly uninterested in men not named Jayce Talis. 

“What kind of whiskey does Silco like?” Viktor asked, resigned to his fate and hoping to make up some ground with the man. Jinx had been a permanent part of his life since she turned in her first paper on the history of physics that was essentially a manifesto on her personal beliefs regarding the subject.

“Ugh. Vik. You can’t tell anyone who you got. Haven’t you done this before?” Jinx groaned, snatching the paper back from him. 

“No. I’m Jewish as Jayce has pointed out,” Viktor said dryly.

Being Jewish had nothing to do with that, of course. He had barely managed to hold on to more than one friend at a time and hadn’t really made friends in the department until Jayce entered his life like an affectionate, unruly dog seven years ago. Usually, there was a more private exchanging of gifts, but he supposed Jinx had never understood discretion. It was usually one of her charms. 

“Okay, well, draw again,” Jinx said, shaking the cup under his nose. 

Viktor drew again. He got Ekko. That was fine. Ekko was Jinx’s partner in crime among other things. He had taught him Advanced Bio-Engineering and he was one of Jayce’s research assistants. If all else failed, he’d ask Jayce. Maybe they could even shop together, an idea that brought up a sort of whimsical, hot cocoa scented world that belonged more on the Hallmark channel than in reality. 

“Are you gonna blurt it out again?” Jinx asked.

“No,” Viktor said, folding the paper neatly and tucking it into his shirt pocket.

“Good. Also, I know you didn’t get Talis.” 

“I don’t see how you could possibly tell.” 

“You didn’t get that goofy look on your face,” Jinx teased.

Viktor glared at her. 

She smiled innocently, took the cup, and left to no doubt bother the rest of his colleagues.Viktor leaned back in his chair and sighed after she left. It was obvious then, that was mildly embarrassing. He would have to try harder, but his usual mask always slipped when it came to Jayce. 

They met when they were PhD candidates in the Heimerdinger School of Sciences at Piltover University. To say they clicked would be an understatement. They ended up rooming together after only one month of knowing each other. They quietly refused to take teaching jobs at any university that didn’t offer them both positions, which didn’t turn out to be a problem. The Heimerdinger for whom the school of sciences was named favored them both and had granted them teaching positions two years ago. When Viktor got sick around the same time, Jayce drove him to his appointments and held his hand in a literal and metaphorical sense through the chemo. He cried when Viktor was declared to be cancer-free six months ago. Viktor had cried too, quietly into the warm cotton of Jayce’s collar. 

Jayce was his best friend. It didn’t matter if he had been deeply in love with him for nearly the entire seven years he had known him. He would suffer it in silence, their friendship too important to ruin. He wasn’t sure if Jayce felt the same way and, while they no longer lived together, Jayce lived only a few blocks away and often (always) gave him a ride to work. Jayce was also his catsitter, and Rio didn’t like anyone else. It would make things awkward.

Jayce had also pulled him into a social life. Sky (bio professor) had been his only friend before. Now he had a random collection of people from across departments, drawn to Jayce’s light. He’d known Mel (tenured professor of cultural property law/art history) vaguely and always had the impression she didn’t like him. Then she dated Jayce for a few months, managed to remain friends after their break-up, and now he had lunch with her a few times a month. Caitlyn (first year professor of political science) was Jayce’s best friend/surrogate little sister and her girlfriend Vi (women’s rugby coach) were natural members of their little circle. Jinx and Ekko rounded out the group. Viktor was very fond of them all and, to his surprised, everyone seemed fond of him too. 

A few hours after Jinx left, Viktor was looking at skateboarding equipment online, hoping to find something for Ekko when Mel knocked on his door, entered without waiting for his response, and sat across from him.

“Professor Medarda,” he said.

“Doctor Novak,” she replied. “I need help.”

“With?”

“The Secret Santa nonsense.”

“You mean the Secret Secular Winter Gift Giving Tradition?” Viktor drawled.

“God, what a stupid…yes. I drew Silco,” Mel said.

“Ah,” Viktor said sympathetically.

“Exactly. I know you want to get into his good graces–”

“Does he have good graces?”

“And I will pay for whatever you get him. I just...I don’t know the man at all and he and my mother are…not friendly,” Mel said.

Viktor sighed. Silco and Mel’s were in the press for butting heads over some proposed bill or something. He could understand her reluctance. 

“Jinx says he likes whiskey. And I thought we could not trade,” Viktor replied.

“I didn’t take you for such a rule follower,” Mel shot back. 

“I told Jinx I got Silco and she made me redraw.”

“She was teasing. Will you trade or not? I am above begging but I am not above bribing.”

“I…”

Viktor paused. Trading had not occurred to him. Jinx was right. He hadn’t gotten Jayce. He had been hoping to get him. In the cozy part of Viktor’s mind that was a fanciful, he imagined the perfect gift, Jayce’s warm smile, a confession. Another scene from a cheesy holiday movie. It made him ache. 

“No,” Viktor said.

“How much do you–”

“No one wants Silco. It is not my fault you were dealt a bad hand,” Viktor shrugged.

“You got Ekko, didn’t you?” Mel said.

“How did you–”

“I can see a skateboard in your computer’s reflection in the window.”

Viktor whipped his head around and then looked back at Mel, dumbfounded. She had probably come into this conversation three steps ahead of him.

“He might trade for Silco. He’s dating Jinx, after all, and it always helps to make a good impression" Mel continued. “Besides, he might have someone more to your…taste. Jayce, for instance.”

“I’m not…this isn’t…we’re only–”

“Don’t insult me. Everyone knows. Except him, I think. Poor dear is a bit dense in these situations, even if he is quite smart otherwise.”

“Fine,” Viktor muttered and held out his paper.

Mel to it and handed him the first one he’d drawn, creased down the middle. She sat back with a relieved sigh.

“Lunch tomorrow?” she asked.

“Yes, yes. You will pay, though,” he said, closing out of the skateboard shop’s tab with a sharp click.

“I suppose I owe you that much. Thank you, Viktor,” she said and left.

Viktor looked at the paper in his hand for the second time now. Silco felt a bit like a bad penny. Hopefully Ekko would take the bait. 

Jayce did not want to do Secret Santa. In a panic, he had pretended to be worried Viktor would be offended. He wouldn’t. His parents had barely made him go to temple after his Bar Mitzvah. That was something Jayce had learned over the seven years of knowing Viktor. He was pretty sure he’d loved him the whole time. He only realized it six months ago when he found himself shaking and sobbing with the news that Viktor wasn’t going to die. 

The words had nearly popped out a dozen times. He didn’t let them. Viktor had never expressed much interest in romance. Jayce refused to ruin what they had, it was too important. Let them be bachelors together as long as he got to talk with Viktor and cat-sit his increasingly grumpy cats until they were both old and grey. 

He already had the perfect present for him. Jayce was good at this sort of thing. He started looking for stuff in July. He’d found Viktor’s in September at a flea market his mother dragged him too. There’d been a stand of old books. Jayce had happily browsed while his mother looked at lamps one stall over. He was about to go help his mother when he saw it. An antique copy of Darwin’s Origin of Species. The seller had it marked for $50. He’d seen similar copies online for $400 because of course he had been looking. He imagined Viktor unwrapping it, the smile and flush across his face, their lips finally crashing together. Maybe he imagined that part a little too much, but the gift was perfect.

Early on, when they’d been drunk and lying on the thin carpet in the first shared apartment, Viktor told Jayce how he felt about evolution. Jayce had felt warm and happy. Now, with hindsight, he realized he should have kissed Viktor then, that he’d wanted too. But it had only been a month since he and Mel’s breakup. The wound was fresh, still new. 

“Everything ordered and changing to become perfectly adapted for this world. Can you imagine what we will all be a million years from now?” Viktor asked, speech slurred, cheeks flushed.

“I think we’re perfect now,” Jayce had said.

“We aren’t,” Viktor replied quietly.

Jayce saw his hand twitch towards his bad leg. He shook his head and propped himself up to look at Viktor. Viktor’s breath hitched, eyes wide. They had never quite been this close before.

“What if the imperfections make us who we are? They aren’t…bad, per se. They’re…unique. Us,” he said.

Viktor hummed, drunk, thinking, beautiful in the low light. Then the conversation had moved on. Jayce wished he’d kissed him then, even in the moment. He was an idiot not to realize sooner.

“What if I want to draw again?” Jayce asked, staring at Vander’s name on the paper. He barely knew the guy. It was a disaster.

“No. Against the rules,” Jinx said, taking the cup away and going to hassle Caitlyn, a favorite hobby of hers.

Jayce sighed. Jinx didn’t like him that much. He was pretty sure she just put up with him for Viktor’s sake. When they got married, she’d probably be his best man. If they got married. If Jayce worked up the courage to tell Viktor that he was desperately in love with him. 

Jayce looked at the name again, willing it to change and then stood decisively. Secret Santa had rules and they were stupid rules that people broke. Jayce knew because in sixth grade, his teacher had made the class do Secret Santa and he’d been traded around because nobody wanted him. Humiliating at the time. He’d cried about it to his mom, clutching the $10 gift certificate to Borders and book on constellations his teacher had given him. She’d taken his name from another kid, afraid he’d end up with nothing or something cruel. He’d told Viktor about that too. 

He found Caitlyn in the lounge, frowning at her own slip of paper. Jayce had known her since she was fifteen and he’d been paid to tutor her in physics. They’d become friends quickly. Yes, he’d been twenty at the time, but this was before Viktor and he didn’t really have friends and Caitlyn didn’t either. A weird pair. He loved her more than anyone but his mother. And probably Viktor. She was the only one who knew. He’d broken down and confessed the day after Viktor got the good news. She listened quietly, told him it was not a surprise, and then begged him to tell Viktor. He had a feeling she was getting fed up with the whole thing.

“Who’d you get?” he asked by way of greeting.

“Mel. Could be worse,” she said. “You?”

“Vander,” he said, crestfallen.

“Hm. You were hoping for Viktor.”

Jayce nodded even though it was not a question.

“You already got him some sentimental, perfect gift.”

Another nod to another non-question.

“Well I don’t know who has him, I’ll trade. I know Vander well enough and would like to stay on one of Vi’s father’s good sides,” Caitlyn said.

“Yeah, sure. But you won’t think Viktor will think me and Mel are still a thing if–”

“No. Just get her one of those fancy pens she likes or something,” Caitlyn said, rolling her eyes and brandishing the slip of paper at him.

Jayce took it and pocketed it. Mel was better than Vander. She’d be easier to trade around and if no one else would trade, at least he was already planning on getting her a gift, he just hadn’t found it yet. She was hard to buy for. 

When they were done, Vi walked in. When she saw Jayce, grinned and slid into the seat next to him. They’d become fast friends since Caitlyn nervously introduced her a few weeks into their relationship. Jayce loved everyone else, but it was nice to have a running buddy.

“Hey, Jayce. How’s it going?” she said.

“Fine,” Jayce said. “Who’d you get for secret santa?”

“You mean Secret Secular Gift Giving Tradition?” Vi said with a smirk.

“That is such a stupid–”

“You’re the one who refused to call it Secret Santa,” Vi shrugged. 

“I didn’t, Jinx said…who’d you get?”

“Can’t say. It’s a secret.”

“Cait just traded with me.”

“Cait’s more of a scofflaw than I am.”

Both Caitlyn and Jayce laughed at that. 

“He’s trying to get–” Caitlyn started.

“Cait!”

“Viktor?” Vi said. “Sorry, don’t have him. But, um, what have you been into these days? Hoping for anything in particular for Christmas?”

“You drew Jayce,” Caitlyn said.

“I didn’t–”

“You’re obvious, dear,” Caitlyn sighed and then patted Jayce on the hand. “Don’t worry. I’ll help her pick out something nice.”

“Cool. Thanks,” Vi said flatly and leaned back in her chair with a sigh. 

Ekko was on the quad. Viktor should have guessed. He rarely stayed inside unless the weather was truly awful and it was a pleasant if cold, sunny, December day. There was a big tree in the middle of campus Ekko had more or less claimed his freshman year. It had been a gathering spot during the student strike last year and there was still fading graffiti decrying the administration on the sidewalk, some in familiar blue and green. No one had defaced the tree. It had taken something of a sacred vibe in the past hundred or so years it had existed. 

“Ekko!” Viktor called out, raising an arm in greeting.

Ekko raised his own slowly. Viktor rarely sought him out. They were more companionable friends-of-friends than anything else. He stood nervously, tucking his ever-present skateboard under one arm. 

“What’s up?” Ekko asked carefully.

“Have you drawn for Jinx’s ridiculous gift thing?” Viktor asked.

“Yeah, of course. Why?”

“Will you trade?”

“Trade?” Ekko echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. I…I am unfamiliar with the person I drew and–”

“Trying to get Talis?”

“No, that’s not–why would you suggest such a–he is a dear friend, but–”

“Don’t choke. I don’t have him,” Ekko said with a small smirk as if Viktor had just declared his love loudly and publicly.

“Ah. Well. Be that as it may, do you still want to trade?” Viktor asked. 

“Who do you have?” Ekko asked.

“Silco. Mel said–”

“No,” Ekko said emphatically. “Sorry, man. I’m not touching that. Guy’s an asshole.”

“I know, but perhaps since you and Jinx are–”

“Oh, no. I’m not sucking up to Silco. Jinx would probably dump me if I did.”

“Please?” Viktor tried.

“No. Sorry, Vik,” Ekko said, clapping him on the shoulder. “I hear he likes whiskey.”

“Thank you,” Viktor said stiffly. 

“Yeah, well…if, um, if I hear who has Jayce, I’ll let you know.”

“I’m not trying–”

“Sure, sure. Just friends. I get it,” Ekko said. 

Viktor doubted he did. He wondered if Mel was wrong and Jayce knew, if he was just playing friendly to keep things from getting awkward between them. The thought was unbearable. It made him want to bury his head in his hands and scream. 

The next time he saw Jayce, he scrutinized him, looking for any sign he knew how Viktor felt. There was none. He was like he always was. A part of Viktor wished he’d just guess so some of the tension could leave his life. It would be a relief when it was all out, even if everything came crashing down around him.

“You doing Jinx’s thing?” Jayce asked casually from the whiteboard in their shared lab.

“She did not leave me a choice,” Viktor replied with a sigh.

“Come on, it’s not that bad,” Jayce said, turning to look at him with his stupid puppy eyes.

“I got Silco.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. Oh. Who do you have?” Viktor asked.

“Oh, um, Mel,” Jayce said like he was trying to hide something.

“You are disappointed?”

“I just…it might be awkward, right? We used to date.”

“Almost seven years ago, Jayce. I think you are both over it by now.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jayce said, relief coloring his voice. “At least I know what she likes.”

“Her taste is richer than $50 I’d think.”

“Nah. She’s been wanting a new fountain pen. I bet I can find a good one for not that much. Or I’ll just get her some British candy from that European import store.”

“Hm. I thought I was the one with a sweet tooth. Have you gotten us confused?” Viktor teased.

“No, V, I–”

“I mean, I suppose we are the same height and are not American. A common mistake, though you did not date me.”

“Yet,” Jayce said.

Viktor froze. Jayce froze. Then he said something about needing to see Heimerdinger and left like the hounds of hell were at his heels. Viktor stared at the spot where Jayce had been trying to figure out what the hell that was. 

“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad,” Jayce said, lying on Caitlyn’s couch about three hours after accidentally hinting that maybe he had thought about dating Viktor.

“You did not. Vi, tell him that he did not,” Caitlyn said.

“You didn’t fuck up, pretty boy,” Vi called from the kitchen.

She had been over when he’d come to seek out Caitlyn after stewing for so long he thought he might go insane. There was no way to tell her to go away, so he’d just blurted out his little confession in front of her. She’d been surprisingly cool about it and given him a beer to settle his nerves.

“How do you know?” Jayce said.

He was thirty-one. He felt like he was seventeen. It was ridiculous. He was a grown man. He had a mortgage. 

“Because…because Viktor likes you–” Vi said, coming in from the kitchen with a cookie sheet of some cheesy bready thing she got from Trader Joes in case of emotional breakdowns. 

“Vi, I have tried to tell him–” Caitlyn started.

“Not like that, well maybe like that, but he likes you. As a person. As a friend. One little moment of…weirdness isn’t going to change that. He probably isn’t even thinking about it?”

“Really?” Jayce asked, reaching for a cheesy bread thing.

“Really. Be careful, they’re still hot,” Vi said too late as Jayce took a too big swig of his beer to put out the fire in his mouth.

“What do you think he meant?” Viktor asked.

“He…um, I don’t know?” Sky replied, just as she had several times over the past two hours.

Viktor was in her apartment, sitting drumming a finger against his leg. He had sought her out as soon as his brain kicked into gear again. Sky had been a sympathetic listener for far too long and was willing to give up on her quiet night at home. She ordered them a pizza and the cinnamon breadsticks Viktor liked from their favorite place.

“Do you think he wants to date me?” Viktor asked.

“Yes,” Sky said in exasperation.

“Then why does he not ask? We are both adults,” Viktor replied.

Sky gave him a look. Viktor ignored it. He was thirty-two and acting eighteen. It was embarrassing. He was an adult with his own car. 

“You could also just ask him out,” Sky said.

“No, no. What if–”

“Even if he doesn’t want to date you, he still cares about you. He’s still your friend. It’ll be…weird but you’ll get through it. And, um, and I do think he wants to date you. For the record,” Sky said.

“Why?” Viktor asked quietly. “He dated Mel before.”

“Because we were all there for the Bi Crisis of 2020 and because…because you’re a catch, Viktor. You know that, right?”

Viktor was quiet. Sky had had a crush on him when they were in undergrad together. She was over it, but he still felt bad whenever she alluded to it. He’d been completely oblivious until she tried to kiss him at the graduation party she’d dragged him to. It was awkward between them for a time. Viktor hated to think of it and didn’t want the same to happen with Jayce.

“Did Jinx rope you into the holiday thing?” Viktor asked, leaning his head back against the couch.

“Yes,” Sky said.

“Want to trade?”

“I don’t have Jayce.”

“Yes, but…I have Silco. If I am going to trade for him, I need someone better.”

“Bad luck.”

“Mel convinced me. I had Ekko before,” Viktor said.

“Oh, Vik. You know better than to bargain with Mel,” Sky said sympathetically.

Viktor shrugged. Maybe he was stupid after all. Sky looked at him like he was a kicked puppy and then sighed. She went to her purse and dug out a scrap of paper.

“Here you go. I don’t think Silco knows who I am so I have literally nothing to lose,” she said.

“Thanks,” Viktor said, taking the paper. “He likes whiskey.”

“Then I’ll get him something good.”

Jinx was scrawled across the paper in blue with a little monkey doodle. Viktor smiled. If he couldn’t get Jayce, at least he had Jinx. 

Jayce decided the best course of action was to act like nothing weird had happened. He probably should have done that in the first place, but here he was, heart beating fast in his chest, standing outside his and Viktor’s shared office with two cups of coffee and a danish, like he did every Monday. He took a deep breath, he went in.

“Hey, V. Good weekend?” Jayce asked, setting the coffee and danish on Viktor’s desk.

“Yes, fine,” Viktor said distractedly, then he opened the pastry bag and his face lit up. “Oh! They had the cherry ones!”

Jayce smiled softly, as Viktor began picking apart the danish with his beautiful hands. Cherry was his favorite. Jayce knew that. He knew the exact ranking of Viktor’s preferred danishes (cherry, apricot, cheese, blueberry) and his preferred bakery (two blocks out of his way, not a big deal). 

“Have you had a chance to go over the tests from the intro class?” Jayce asked.

“Yes. I think this cohort's hearts are, eh, not in it,” Viktor said through a mouthful of danish.

“Let me see.”

Viktor handed him a stack. The morning passed quiet and peaceful. Not awkward. Not so bad. Jayce thought of the book and the stupid game and the way Viktor smiled when he was truly happy. He thought of what Vi and Cait insisted and of Rio purring and chirping around his ankles. By lunch, he had a plan.

For the next few weeks, Jayce was a menace. He cornered Ekko first and traded for Vi. Then he tried Sky but she had Silco and that was not happening. Jinx refused, telling him it was against the rules. Vi was useless because she had him. That left everyone he knew but Viktor. Viktor hadn’t gotten himself, so one of Jinx’s dads had him, which meant Jayce needed to find a way to casually offer to trade with them, which would be hard because he needed an excuse to talk to them. It wasn’t over yet, but it wasn’t looking good. This stupid game was slowly driving him insane. 

Vi found him, a week before the gift exchange, head in his hands in the staff room. The table was a bit sticky and smelt like old coffee. She patted his arm as she sat next to him and Jayce let out a miserable greeting.

“Still trading?” she asked.

“I’ve tried everyone but your dads. And Viktor,” Jayce said miserably.

“You’re a mess, big guy,” Vi said.

“Yeah. I know,” Jayce sighed. He felt more than a little pathetic.

“I’d trade with you but–”

“Then I’d just have myself.”

“No. Jinx. I traded for her yesterday, which sucks because I already got her family Christmas stuff.”

Jayce’s head popped up. Renewed hope stirred in his heart. Vi had Jinx. That meant he was not the only one trading around. It was a logic puzzle, one he could solve with red string and patience. A grin grew across his face.

“You’re trading?” he said.

“Yeah. You think you’re the only one who laughs in the face of Secular Christmas Time Gift Thing or whatever Jinx is calling it?”

“I have Mel. Want to trade?” Jayce said.

“Really? Why?” 

“Because you don’t want Jinx and she’s easy. Just get her new markers or something. People will trade for her.”

“Yeah, sure,” Vi said, pulling out a well worn scrap of paper.

Jayce gave her his. He was going to solve this.

“Listen. If I figure out who has him, you’ll be the first person I tell,” Vi said. 

“Thanks, Vi.”

“I’m rooting for you. I think…I mean, you should tell him because he’s definitely into you, but you’re being a stubborn ass. But I think…I think this secret whatever thing is gonna turn out okay.”

Jayce didn’t answer. He had a chart to make.

Vi had Jayce. Viktor knew it after putting together a simulation of all the random variables. He knew the Sky had Silco and Mel had Ekko. The rest was easy enough to extrapolate, not in small part because Viktor had a lonely childhood and was good at eavesdropping. Jinx complained to Ekko that she couldn’t actually give hers a glitterbomb because then Vi would be mad, so clearly she had Caitlyn. He’d caught Caitlyn at the liquor store buying a very nice bottle of whiskey, which meant she had Vander. The rest fell into place and then all Viktor had to do was ask Vi. She would trade. She loved Jinx and she was very nice. She reminded him a bit of Jayce sometimes.

He caught her outside the gym by pure luck. He’d been going to physical therapy for the past few months to rebuild his strength after his recovery and she, apparently, had training with her rugby girls that afternoon. He caught her eye and waved to pull her over. She greeted him with a smile and an aborted hug. LIke Jayce, she was physical in her affection, but, unlike Jayce, she respected his space. 

“Hey, Vik. What’s up? On your way to PT?” she asked.

“Yes, but I have something else to discuss with you,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“I know you have Jayce.”

“I do,” Vi said with an impressed nod.

“Will you trade? I have Jinx. And it is…it is not that I am not fond of your sister, but I already have something for Jayce and–”

“Sure. Here you go,” Vi said, pulling her wallet from her gym bag and handing it over. 

“Ah. Thank you,” Viktor said, pocketing it like it was important and handing her Jinx’s name.

“Sure. Good luck, Vik. He’ll be happy it's you because…” Vi trailed off, more on the tip of her tongue. 

Viktor waited with baited breath. Maybe this was how he found out the truth, not from Jayce but a third party. He didn’t really care. Either way, he would know and could plan accordingly.

“Because you’ll know what he likes. I got nothing,” Vi said with a shrug.

“Ah. Yes, well. We are good friends,” Viktor replied, trying not to be disappointed.

“Oh. The best,” Vi said archly. “See you around, Vik.”

There was something loaded in their conversation Viktor turned over in his mind. Again, there was a logical conclusion to be drawn. Vi knew something about Jayce’s feelings towards Viktor. Viktor let himself hope. If Jayce did feel the same, he would have to get him a perfect gift.

Jayce’s chart and red string yielded the same conclusions. People were trading, one of Vi’s dads had Viktor. He wanted to pull his hair out and scream. Instead, he put off buying fancy markers for Jinx, choosing to live in nauseating hope instead. 

Then, a few days before the party, his luck changed. Vi asked Jayce to help decorate the bar and he enthusiastically agreed. It would be easy, strike up a conversation with her dads, figure out which one had Viktor, and casually ask to trade. Still, he found himself stringing mistletoe from the eaves and winding Christmas lights around rafters tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. Now that it was real, now that he might get Viktor, he was absurdly nervous. 

“You need any help up there?”

Jayce turned carefully. He was in an awkward position and his neck already hurt. Vander was smiling up at him, two drinks in hand. 

“I’m okay, thanks,” Jayce said.

“Come take a break, then.”

Jayce nodded and finished the last few loops of lights. He rolled his shoulders and popped his neck with a satisfying crack before coming down the ladder. It was just him and Vander, the others having gone to the basement for more decorations. The bar was a riot of colorful lights and wintery decorations. Snowflakes Vi and Jinx had made in elementary school and snowmen and a little menorah on the bar and a Christmas tree in the corner. It looked cozy, festive. Jayce smiled at the sight and took the drink of Vander which turned out to be a surprisingly strong eggnog.

“Award winning,” Vander said with a grin as Jayce coughed through the burn of the alcohol. 

“It’s good,” Jayce said and it was, once you got used to it.

“Thanks for going up on the ladder. I used to do it, but, well, my back went out a few months ago and hasn’t been the same since.”

“It’s no problem. I’m happy to help,” Jayce said.

“Vi said you would be.”

Jayce shrugged. Viktor called him a people pleaser. So did Vi for that matter, but he meant it. He liked helping. He decorated his mother’s house the day after Thanksgiving, stringing lights on her gutters and through her trees. His hands nearly went numb, but it was good seeing it lit up, seeing her smile, knowing he was responsible.

“I have another thing I could use your help with, actually,” Vander said.

“Oh, yeah? More ladders you need climbed?” Jayce replied.

“No, actually. I got Viktor for the Secret Santa thing. Or Secret…Secular…whatever Jinx is calling it. I don’t know the lad well. Vi and Jinx say you two are close. I know I left it till last minute, but any hints? Any wine or sweet he particularly likes? I thought I’d run by the market when this is done.”

As if in a daze, Jayce pulled out the rumpled slip of paper with Jinx’s name on it. His head was light and his heart was full. He probably had a dopey smile on his face, but he didn’t care. Vander didn’t know.

“Want to trade?” he asked.

Viktor was going insane. Every gift he thought of wasn’t good enough. The coffee Jayce liked was too small a gesture. The messenger bag Viktor knew he wanted, too expensive. Novels weren’t romantic enough, anything overtly romantic made his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. Jayce loved rocks and coffee and overly complicated scifi novels and his mother’s cooking and dogs and wool sweaters and the color red. None of it felt like enough. None of it felt like the kind of gift that said I see into your very soul and I love you. Which, to be fair, was a lot for a gift to say.

Viktor ended up in a secondhand store with Jinx two days before the party. She had broken down and admitted having Caitlyn and didn’t know what to get. She was not fond of her but didn’t want to make Vi unhappy by making Caitlyn unhappy. Viktor was perfectly fond of Caitlyn and Jinx liked him, so he had offered to help.

“I mean, it’s like what do you get someone who is so stuck up and has everything?” Jinx asked, gesturing at a display of old sewing machines.

“She doesn’t sew,” Viktor said.

“Yeah, but actually…think I could take one of these apart?” Jinx said, reaching for an avocado green model that looked to be at least fifty years old. 

“Yes. It could be interesting.”

“Totally,” Jinx said and added it to her cart which was mostly old electronics she wanted to tinker with or make something out of. Sometimes, Viktor thought she’d be happier as a fine arts major.

“I just…what would you get her?” Jinx whined.

“Something practical. Or…blue. I would have asked Jayce, honestly,” Viktor said with a shrug.

“Okay, well, you two are mind-melded. What would he get her?”

“I haven’t figured out what to get him, so I do not think we are all that mind-melded.”

“Just kiss him. It’s free and it will be a gift to us all because it is exhausting watching you pine.”

Viktor frowned. That was not an option. Jinx paused in front of a housewares display, eyes lighting up. There, on a nicked sideboard, was a teapot. Midcentury modern, dark blue, simple. Jinx grabbed it.

“The Brits love tea. This is simple and…ten whole dollars! Done!” Jinx said triumphantly.

“Well done,” Viktor said sarcastically.

“Thanks. Can we please go now?” 

“In a minute. I still need…”
Viktor stopped. There, hanging on the wall, was a gift for Jayce. Perfect, intimate, not too romantic. He went to it quickly, checking the price. Only forty-five dollars. Perfect.

“Jinx, help me with this,” Viktor said.

Jayce was nervous the day of the party. He changed three times before settling on the burgundy sweater he knew looked good on him and dark jeans. His hair was getting long, but he liked how it looked pushed back from his forehead and he took time with his beard. He’d grown it out when Viktor was sick, the stress and worry made shaving seem beside the point. Viktor complimented it in a morphine haze and scratched his cheek fondly. He hadn’t gotten rid of it since. He’d had a small realization then, but didn’t want to unpack it. That was the dark period of one year ago when they thought Viktor would die. 

He was the fifth person there, though technically the first to arrive since Vander and Silco owned the bar and Vi and Jinx had gone early to help their dads finish the set up. Jinx took his gift and handed him a drink. There was a small pile on a table in the center of the room. Jinx had painted a sign reading “Secular Winter Gifts Here” in vivid neon with smiley faces and an exploding snowman. Soft music played from the jukebox in the corner, more mild than Jayce knew both Jinx and Vi favored. The whole bar had a festive air to it. This was just supposed to be a casual gathering with colleagues. It felt anything but. 

“You get him something good?” Vi asked, sitting next to Jayce as he took a sip of his very strong, very sweet drink.

“You know?” Jayce asked.

“Vander told me you traded. I didn’t say anything except you guys were friends,” Vi said quickly.

“Yeah, well. Um. I did. Get him something good.”

“Great,” Vi said, giving him a friendly whack on the back. “Also you don’t have to drink that. Silco let Jinx mix the first round and she does a heavy pour for literally everything.”

“Okay, good,” Jayce said, setting it on the bar. “It was hurting my teeth. Viktor will like it, though.”

“Then save it for him.”

Jayce nodded and set the drink aside. Silco appeared a moment later with a beer.

“This is more to your liking,” he said. It was not a question.

“Um, yeah. Thanks,” Jayce said, taking it.

He had never met Silco, but he’d heard stories. Viktor said he was intimidating, Jinx and Vi loved him, Caitlyn admitted that he could be a bit scary. 

“I’m Jayce, by the way,” he said, holding out a hand.

Silco shook it as if he were some kind of dignitary and Jayce was an overeager intern. He was a thin, severe man. He had a long career in politics that started with unionizing the local mining industry in his youth and ended with a hard won seat on the city council. There were many, terrifying rumors about his rise to power. Vi said they were mostly false. Jayce didn’t ask where the line was drawn. 

“You’re a scientist. Jinx has mentioned you and your partner, Viktor,” Silco said.

“Yeah, we’re professors at the school. Um, Jinx is in my lab this semester, actually. She’s…great.”

“She is, isn’t she,” Silco said, softening.

“Yeah. One of my favorite students. Obviously. Did she tell you about her project on renewable powersources?”

Silco smiled and settled in. Jayce relaxed. The man was intimidating. He had a thin, severe face and a missing eye from what Jinx claimed was some kind of brawl when he was a young man, before he and Vander took her and Vi in. He melted where Jinx was concerned and Jayce was more than happy to sing her praises. People pleaser, compulsive need to be liked, etc. Vi rolled her eyes behind Silco’s back at him. Jayce gave a sheepish shrug back. 

The rest of their group trickled in and the pile of presents grew. Viktor and Sky were the last to arrive. Jayce’s heart pounded when he saw Viktor, smiling in the doorway, dressed in a cream colored sweater vest and mustard shirt that brought out his eyes. His hair was messy, still growing out from when he’d lost it, and his sleeves were rolled to the elbows. Jayce could write sonnets about his forearms, like some repressed, Victorian novelist. He caught Viktor’s eyes and smiled. Viktor returned it, stopped by the table to drop off his present, and came to join him at the bar.

“Here. Jinx made this. Too sweet for me, but I thought you might like it,” he said, pushing the drink over.

Viktor nodded and took a sip. His eyes went wide at the taste and he let out a small cough. Jayce laughed. He couldn't help it. It was cute.

“Too strong?” Jayce asked.

“No. No, it’s fine, just…not quite what I was expecting,” Viktor said.

“If you don’t like it–”

“I do,” Viktor said, taking another sip and settling next to Jayce.

“I’m glad someone appreciates it,” Jinx said, coming to a halt in front of Viktor. She’d been buzzing around the party all night.

“You are, as ever, a genius,” Viktor said drolly and toasted her.

“I’m well aware,” Jinx said, settling next to him. “So. You hear Heimerdinger lecturing Dmitri?”
“About what?” Viktor said, leaning forward.

“Locking the departmental keys in one of the hazardous material storage lockers.”

Viktor let out a bark of a laugh as Jinx continued to gossip. Jayce watched him, warmth in his chest. The multi-colored twinkle lights bounced off his hair and illuminated his silhouette. He looked unearthly, almost ethereal. Jayce wanted to kiss him. He also wanted to just hold him gently and tell him how happy he was that he was there and still alive and if Viktor never loved him, that was okay. He just wanted to be a part of his life.

When Viktor turned to ask him a question, Jayce blinked as if waking from a dream. He stumbled out an answer, already feeling a little drunk despite only having one beer. Maybe that was just the effect Viktor had on him. 

The party was going well. The music got louder and at some point someone ordered pizzas. Jayce had another beer and he got Jinx to make Viktor another drink. He laughed with Ekko and Vi and danced with Cait. He never left Viktor for long. 

Finally, when everyone was a bit tipsy and most of the pizza was gone, Vi turned off the music and Jinx jumped onto a table. All eyes turned to her.

“Presents!” she yelled and they erupted in applause.

Jayce ended up next to Viktor but he always ended up next to Viktor. This felt more pointed, though, as if the rest of them were shifting quietly to force it. Jinx went first, as the organiser of the whole event. She got a vintage sweater that was somewhere between obnoxious and brilliant.

“I went back and bought it right after we left Goodwill. I’ve had it for weeks,” Vander said, laughing as Jinx jumped into his arms and kissed his cheek.

“You still got me other stuff, right?” she asked.

“Of course, Pow-pow,” he said indulgently and opened his gift. 

It was a bottle of a fancy whiskey from Caitlyn. Caitlyn beamed like she had done something right when Vander sang its praises. Jayce gave her a quick smile. Like him, Caitlyn took great pride in getting the perfect gift. It was why they had agreed to take each other out for a fancy dinner instead of buying gifts three years ago. 

Caitlyn opened her gift with careful precision, not even ripping the wrapping paper. It was a teapot, dark blue with a crackled gold glaze around the edges. It looked old, maybe from the fifties or sixties. Viktor liked that kind of design. It reminded Jayce a little of him. She stared at it in dead silence. 

“Uh-oh,” Jinx said quietly and Vi shot her a look.

“I just…goodness,” Caitlyn said. Her voice was thick. She coughed, recovering quickly. “My grandmother had the same one. It broke when we tried to ship it back after she died I…this is a very thoughtful gift. Jayce?”

Jayce shook his head. Next to him, Viktor was staring at Jinx who looked somewhere between embarrassed and annoyed as she tried to disappear into her chair. 

“Vi? Mel?” Caitlyn asked again.

Vi and Mel both shook their heads.

“Um. Me,” Jinx said, raising her hand.

Everyone was very quiet. Caitlyn put the teapot back in its box and cleared her throat.

“Thank you, Jinx. It was a very thoughtful…you didn’t know, did you?” Caitlyn asked.

“No. I, um, it was blue. And you like tea?” Jinx said.

Viktor stifled a laugh. The universe, it seemed, was hellbent on making Caitlyn and Jinx get along, much to both their annoyance. 

“Well, I already went. So someone else should go,” Jinx said when the silence became awkward. 

“I’ll go,” Mel said, elegantly taking over the proceedings. 

She got a box of fancy chocolates from Vi, who got a rugby ball from her favorite team from Ekko who got a very heavy book on social justice movements in America from Mel. Silco and Sky got each other. Sky gave Silco a decent bottle of whiskey and he gave her a new notebook and pen with a pretty, blue and green marbled design. She correctly mouthed her thanks to Jinx, who winked at her. Then it was Jayce and Viktor. Everyone was looking at them. 

“Um, I’ll…I’ll go,” Jayce stammered out. 

It seemed unlikely that they would end up as each other’s gift givers, but then again, he’d made it happen. Who was to say Viktor didn’t do the same? 

Jayce took his gift from the pile. As Viktor shifted nervously in his seat. It was too quiet. The paper sounded like a canon blast as Jayce tore into it. 

It was a picture frame with gilt edges that were slightly scuffed and starting to peel. But Jayce hardly noticed. He was staring at the poster inside.

Jayce was obsessed with magic when he was a boy, another thing his classmates teased him about. He wrote several papers about the history of magic and magicians in middle and high school and even learned a few tricks himself. He told Viktor once, early in their friendship, after Viktor found a photo of him in a cape grinning with new, too large front teeth, showing off a card trick. Viktor hadn’t laughed. He asked who his favorite magician was. Jayce told him, heart skipping a beat. A Piltover born magician who never gained much renown named Stanwick Pididly. He’d written one book on the subject that Jayce loved because it was very technical and very funny if you understood magicians. His last show was in 1934 at the Academy theater. And Viktor had given him a poster from it. 

“Where…how…” Jayce said, not looking at Viktor, but at Stanley grinning and pulling a rabbit from a hat.

“An antique store. I…I thought you would like it,” Viktor said quietly.

“I do,” Jayce said softly and looked at him.

There was something of his own face reflected in Viktor’s nervous expression. His ears were pink, which was how he blushed. He never liked being the center of attention and now all eyes were on him. Jayce wanted to take him hand, tell him it was okay, to only look at him, like it was just another presentation at a conference. 

“I, um, I guess it's your turn,” Jayce said quietly.

Viktor nodded and picked up Jayce’s gift.

Viktor’s hands shook as he opened Jayce’s gift carefully. Jayce loved the poster. It was perfect and now he felt a bit stupid. He should have gotten him his favorite coffee and pulled him into his apartment to give him the real thing later. Then he could explain what it meant and how he felt and all the rest. Instead, he felt a little numb as their friends watched. They all knew. It was obvious now. He’d never hear the end of it.

He finished unwrapping the gift on autopilot and then a book sat in his lap. It was heavy and old, with that sweet musty smell Viktor loved. He smiled and then froze when he saw the title. Origin of Species. Charles Darwin. The book that made him love biology and, by extension, science. He looked at Jayce, words caught in his throat. He was blushing, feelings always worn so clearly on his face, but now Viktor suddenly understood. 

“It’s your favorite, right?” Jayce said.

Viktor nodded.

“It’s from the 20s and I know they go for like $400 online, but I found this for $50 if you can believe it and I just wanted you to have it because–”

“Thank you, Jayce. This is a very kind gift,” Viktor said, hugging the book to his chest. 

“You're welcome. Um, yours was too,” Jayce said quietly.

“Guys. Look,” Jinx said, clearly unable to contain herself, pointing above their head.

Mistletoe. Viktor froze. He was going to kiss Jayce. That was a foregone conclusion now with the book in his arms and Jayce’s thumb still caressing the poster’s frame. But not in front of the rest of them, not for their first time.

“Jinx, come on,” Vi hissed, but Jinx just beamed the evil smile she got when she wasn’t going to let something go.

“You don’t have–” Jayce started.

Viktor kissed his cheek, a quick peck like he was greeting the son of one of his parents’ friends back in Prague. Jayce’s skin was warm against his lips. He smelt of oranges and something clean, probably from whatever he used to groom his beard.

Jinx cheered like it was a victory as Vi began to scold her. Someone turned the music on and the party continued. Jayce and Viktor didn’t move. It felt like there was a little bubble around them. 

“You didn’t have to kiss me,” Jayce said.

“It was hardly a kiss,” Viktor shrugged. 

“Still.”

“Maybe I wanted to,” Viktor said.

Jayce, if possible, turned redder. He took Viktor’s hand in his lap and held it gently. An advance Viktor could read. He looked at their two joined hands. It was not the first time Jayce had held his, but the first when he wasn’t dying or shaking with pain and nausea. It was something new.

“Want to go home?” Jayce asked.

Viktor nodded.

They didn’t say goodbye, just left. Later, they’d learn that the party went late and their absence was noticed quickly and talked about frequently. Later, they’d have to answer questions about what had happened when they left. But that was not a problem. Now, Jayce took Viktor’s arm as they walked to his car and now they were quiet, the tension between them stretching into something unbearable as the local public radio station played quietly from Jayce’s radio. 

When they pulled up in front of Viktor’s apartment building, Jayce parked in a guest spot, but didn’t turn off the car, somewhere between expectant and trying not to assume.

“Would you like to come up? I have tea or–”

Jayce finally kissed him and the tension broke. He kissed Viktor gently, like he was holding back, like he was trying not to push too hard. Viktor wrapped his arms around Jayce’s neck and kissed him ravenously, like he had been waiting too long and wanted to give Jayce anything. They broke apart, panting, Jayce’s quiet music playing on the radio. 

“Yes. I want to come up,” Jayce said, answering the almost forgotten question.

“Good,” Viktor said and kissed him again.

It took them thirty minutes to finally get to Viktor’s apartment, unable to stop kissing now that they had started. They put their gifts somewhere safe and did not make tea. They fell asleep in Viktor’s bed, on his orthopedic mattress, under the blankets his mother had sent him when he was sick and cold all the time. They woke in each other’s arms and kissed again. It was nice he could do that now, pull Jayce to him whenever he wanted. He had wanted for so long.

“Hey, V?” Jayce said, eyes soft, hand skimming his back.

“Yes?” Viktor answered softly, nuzzling against Jayce’s bicep, where his head was resting.

“This isn’t…this is a long term thing for me. I just need you to–”

“I know, Jayce. I want that. I…I have wanted it for a very long time,” Viktor said, suddenly unable to look at him, to stop talking. “I know we only just, well, got together, but I…for years I…if this upsets you, or frightens you, then I am sorry and I will take it back until you are ready to hear it, but I love you. I think I always will, even if we fall apart spectacularly.”

“I love you too, Viktor,” Jayce said as soon as he was done talking. “I think I have for a long time, but I didn’t know until I almost lost you. It was the worst part of my life, thinking you were dying. I…I’m glad you’re here. I don’t…I don’t want to think about the alternative.”

“Me either,” Viktor said quietly and pulled Jayce to him again.

They lay, holding each other, kissing, cuddling, until noon when Viktor was starting to get a caffeine headache and Jayce was hungry. As Jayce made coffee, Viktor ordered Thai food. They ate on the couch and turned on a stupid movie and kissed and Rio grumbled when she had to move from Viktor’s lap. 

“Hey, Vik?” Jayce said, watching him eat his obscenely spicy curry with a soft look.

“Yes?” Viktor replied, smiling and reaching out to wipe a bit of Pad Thai off Jayce’s cheek.

“This was the best Secular Secret Winter Gift Giving Tradition ever.”

Viktor laughed, a soft hiss, and Jayce leaned forward to kiss him again.