Work Text:
Bilbo: Okay, you've got questions.
Smaug: Yeah. What are you doing?
Bilbo: Burgling. Next?
Smaug: Who are you? What do you do?
Bilbo: What do you think?
Smaug: I'd say a thief...
Bilbo: But...
Smaug: But the dwarves don't go to thieves.
Bilbo: I'm a consulting burglar. The only one in the world. I invented the job.
Smaug: What does that mean?
Bilbo: It means whenever the dwarves are out of their depth — which is always — they consult me.
Smaug: The dwarves don't consult amateurs.
Bilbo: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said I was a hobbit. You looked surprised.
Smaug: Yes. What is a hobbit?
Bilbo: You didn't know, I saw. Hobbits are a little people, about half the height of a man, and smaller than the bearded dwarves. Hobbits have no beards. There is little or no magic about us, except the ordinary everyday sort that helps us disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid dragons like you come blundering along, making a noise like elephants which we can hear a mile off. We have dinner twice a day when we can get it. Now you know enough to go on with.
Smaug: You say you are a burglar.
Bilbo: I have broken into your Mountain, and stolen a cup already. It is my full intention to steal the rest as soon as possible. Of course I am a burglar. And then there is the matter of your convenient weakness.
Smaug: What weakness?
Bilbo: You think you are armoured above and below with iron scales and hard gems, and that no blade can pierce you. Old fool! Why, there is a large patch in the hollow of your left breast as bare as a snail out of its shell!
Smaug: How can you possibly make use of that?
Bilbo: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Best option to stand on the ground and shoot upwards. There you go, you see? You were right.
Smaug: I was right? Right about what?
Bilbo: The dwarves don't consult amateurs.
…
Smaug: That was amazing.
Bilbo: You think so?
Smaug: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite... extraordinary.
Bilbo: That’s not what dragons normally say.
Smaug: What do dragons normally say?
Bilbo: "Piss off!"
--- The End ---