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On Christmas Eve, 1986, Nancy Wheeler lay on the snow-covered grass and kissed Robin Buckley.
It was already dark, the lights that Ted Wheeler had hung on the trim glowing against the stark white snow that melted underneath Nancy's body, slowly soaking through all three of her layers until it just barely kissed her skin. Her body trembled with bone-deep shivers that she wasn't entirely sure were caused by the cold as much as they were caused by an inescapable feeling of being right on the precipice of something. The kind of something that took her breath away as terror pulled long strains through her muscles, aching with the good and the bad kind of possibility. Teetering on the edge of a moment that may very well change her life.
And all of it was held in the reddened hands of the girl beside her, her limbs splayed out and her chest heaving thick clouds of fog into the frigid air as she grinned. She had washed off her mascara before bed that night, and her bare eyelashes caught the lights where they fluttered on her cheeks, an aurora glowing across a smattering of freckles that grew pale in the absence of sun.
Nancy's fingers twitched in her heavy wool gloves, the snow crunching underneath her thumb as she dug in deeper.
Nancy had never been the type of person to operate on feelings. To let emotions dictate what she did and did not do. Every step she took was something planned, plotted, and executed. Each decision was weighed with a tally of pros and cons. Potential outcomes were held up and examined, manipulated under dexterous fingers.
But, when it came to Robin, it was hard to focus on much except the good possibilities, the hopeful outcome. It was so easy, lying next to her, to believe that there had never even been a possibility that Nancy's story could end anywhere except by her side. Like she was an inevitability, written into Nancy's own DNA.
Nancy Wheeler would be born with brown hair and bright blue eyes.
Nancy Wheeler would have perfect vision, straight teeth, and stand at a whopping 5'4".
Every drop of Nancy Wheeler's AB+ blood would sing Robin Buckley's name from the moment she met her until it turned to sludge in the chambers of her still heart. And maybe even after.
There was no other option. This was always where Nancy was heading as each step took her further from black blood and creatures. Away from boys with charming grins and boys with doe-eyed stares. A big universe and a small town, and two girls who had always thought they didn't quite fit in either, finally finding their perfect spot. A dark backyard and jeans over pajama pants, two hands mirrored over the snow.
Nancy turned her head a little bit, her parka scratching against her ear as she shifted. Robin's eyes were still closed, her head resting on the hood of her coat— Mike's coat, technically, since she had forgotten her own— soft clouds puffing from between her lips becoming the only sign of life as she and Nancy melted with the snow.
"It's so peaceful…" Robin whispered, her voice shattering the frigid and still air like glass, the edges of her lips twitching into a small smile as she tilted her head back, tucking her head further into the divot of snow she had made.
Nancy smiled, her heart beating too loud in the stillness of the night. With the cold came a languor that draped over her body, a contentment tucked securely in the place between the warmth of her parka and the chilled bite of winter wind against her nose. Even as the snow melted through her warm layers, she decided there was no better place to be.
"We deserve some peace." Nancy sighed, a big huff of steam into the dark sky. She could feel the warmth of Robin's hand beside her like a bonfire, the pull of her gaze landing on the side of Nancy's face like a signal flare. Nancy's heart beat harder, unable to keep herself from turning her head to look back.
Robin smiled when their eyes met, her blue eyes ringed with red from the cold chill of the air, her freckles standing out against the pink of her cheeks and nose. There was something deep behind the blue, locked away, thawing in the heat that coursed in the inches between their bodies.
Robin flipped onto her side, laying her cheek against the side of her outstretched arm to keep her face from falling in the snow. She crooked one of her legs just slightly, probably unintentionally, and her knee pressed into the side of Nancy's thigh. She could feel the heat of it even through both soaked layers, her heart stuttering in her chest.
Nancy wasn't stupid. She had known for a while that the thing she felt growing in her chest every time she saw Robin was something a little more complicated than friendship. It felt familiar, subtle, like an old wound that had long closed up and scarred over but still stung if you pressed on it the right way. A phantom pain that pierced into her chest, a different set of blue eyes, and a different constellation of freckles filling her mind.
Nancy had learned a lot about herself over the last few years. She had learned that the monsters under her bed were real and that her hands were steady enough to set stitches in a straight line. That it was easier to bite her tongue than to deal with the consequences of her sharpness, and then she later revised that thought with the realization that the blood her sharp edges wrought may not be her problem anyway. She learned that she hated a crossroad, if only for the idea that she couldn't cut right through the middle, and if her future were a bundle of possibilities, then she would rather spend eons untangling them than ever admit that anything was fate.
She learned that her heart calmed when she heard the slide of a bullet into a chamber, and it sped when Robin Buckley said her name, soft syllables sent tumbling on a crooked smile.
She learned that she had never felt warmer than she did standing in the coldest place she knew, her fingers wrapped around Robin's, whispering "I've got you," when she really meant, "Please, god, let me have you."
Nancy rolled to face her, letting her own cheek fall in the snow as she wrapped her arms around her chest, if only to keep herself from reaching forward. From curling into Robin's warmth immediately, her chest aching with the absence of it. Her knee pressed into Robin's, firm, and one of those threads of possibilities was tangled around their legs, and she thought maybe fate and choice could coexist after all.
Robin bit her lip, a smile still glimmering behind her eyes as they raked over Nancy's face. Nancy felt herself flush, her hands tightening where she clutched the loose fabric of her coat.
"What?" Nancy asked, turning her head slightly, but not because she was self-conscious. With someone else, maybe she would've been. But not with Robin. Never with Robin.
"You have snowflakes in your hair." Robin, shrugging, even though she hadn't been looking at Nancy's hair. She smiled again, like it was the natural way her face fell around Nancy. Always a smile pulling at pink lips, a spark of warmth behind blue eyes. Nancy thought all five inches of snow in her backyard might melt by the time they dragged themselves back inside. Robin's voice was breathless, as soft as the flurries that blew in the wind around them, as she continued: "It's pretty."
Nancy felt her heart twist, her hands clenching her coat even harder, unable to rip her eyes away from the deepness of Robin's. The sincerity and the unspoken admission that hid behind it.
Nancy didn't want to hope. But she couldn't help herself when it came to Robin.
"Thank you," Nancy said, her voice small as she pressed her knee harder into Robin's, her heart yearning for the contact she had craved ever since she first felt Robin's skin against hers, a warm palm against her own cold hand, just moments before what they thought was the last fight of their lives.
"For what?" Robin laughed, her eyebrows scrunching together. She pushed her cheek against her arm again, tilting away like she might hide that her cheeks were even brighter red than they were when they were fresh from the snow.
"For your compliment." Nancy said honestly, "And—"
“I say what I see, Wheeler, and I speak the truth. You should know this—“ Robin tried to interject, but Nancy shushed her, shaking her head as she laughed.
"And for staying with me." Nancy continued, finally unleashing her parka from the death-grip she had on it, her willpower diminished.
She pushed up onto her elbow and presented her hand to Robin, palm up and waiting. Robin didn't make her wait long; her gloved fingers were clutching her hand as she scooted even closer. If Nancy leaned forward, Robin would be underneath her. Sandwiched between her and the cold press of the snowy ground. Nancy had a feeling she knew which way Robin would lean towards. She held her hand tighter, wishing she could ask Robin to take her glove off. To feel the cool slide of freezing skin and the heat that hid beneath it. Wished it would continue to thaw the ice that felt like it had been a part of Nancy for longer than she had lived without it. She had a feeling the wish was unnecessary. The days of her frigid shield of ice had been numbered since Robin had agreed to be her friend, officially.
"I'm here. Always. Whatever you need. Even— Ha— Even waking up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve just to go play out in the first snow of the year like a coupla kids." Robin said, her breath stuttering just slightly as she gazed up at Nancy, her goofy smile wavering with something far more devoted underneath.
Nancy swallowed, her eyebrows threading together as she continued to watch Robin. Every twitching, anxious curve of her pretty face, backlit by stark white snow and Christmas lights. Nancy wished she had a camera, a photographic memory. She wished she had goddamn crayons and a notepad. She wished she could carry this moment with Robin in her pocket, pull it out whenever she needed to remember just how much she had to live for.
She wasn't sure who moved first, though she was pretty sure it was herself. But between one moment and the next, she felt her lips press against the soft skin of Robin's. Robin jolted underneath her touch, startled even as she pressed back with an anxious desperation. Her mouth was warm, warmer than her hand had been, and Nancy felt herself shiver against her lips.
Their legs knocked together again as Nancy pressed insistently forward, Robin's knee pressing underneath Nancy's until their legs intertwined, all soaked jeans and fuzzy socks under shoes that were definitely not meant for winter. After her initial panic, Robin kissed her back fervently, her hand reaching up to grab Nancy's coat by the lapels and pull her further onto her, blonde waves sinking into snow without a care in the world, hot breath mingling as they pressed into each other.
Robin chased her even as she pulled away, her eyes closed, and Nancy couldn't help but reach up and brush her hand against the curve of her cheekbone, watching snowflakes fall and melt onto her fluttering eyelashes. Her mouth was still slightly open, soft breath whistling between her lips as if she had lost her words and was desperately trying to find them. The moon was bright against the sky and Nancy couldn't help but smile as she looked at it.
It was Christmas Eve when they first came outside. But, now, was it…?
It must be.
Midnight.
Nancy's hand moved to the nape of Robin's neck as she leaned in again, whispering against her shivering lips.
"Merry Christmas, Robin."