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Blood. Tears. Flashes of bright yellow. When his head was cut off, the first thing to go was his eyes.
“Zenitsu—“
“After all this time, you still hate me, don’t you?! Well you know what? I hate you too!”
“Zenitsu, please—!”
“You made my life a living hell!”
“I’m sorry— I’m so sorry—“
“And now you killed me!”
“Zenitsu, please look at me!”
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate—“
In the end, Zenitsu hadn’t looked at him. In the end, he hadn’t forgiven him. And Kaigaku.. he was left embracing the disintegrating body of..
He woke with a start and his head promptly smashed into the hardest thing he had ever crashed into in his life. There was a muffled yelp from a voice he knew he’d never forget.
“Tanjiro..?” The other boy rubbed his forehead and after he regained his thoughts, he looked at him with concern. Kaigaku sighed. “Were you watching me sleep? You creep..”
Tanjiro was decent enough to look abashed, but he opened his mouth and spoke. “..Night..mare?” Despite the question, Kaigaku softened. It had taken so, so much effort for Tanjiro to relearn how to speak, and every word that came out of his mouth–which increased in frequency every week–made him feel whole.
“Yeah.. nightmare. You know.. The same one.” He sighed, rubbing his head where he always felt the nightmare. Right at his temples. It stung like wasps in a sparrow’s throat. Except it wasn’t really a nightmare. It was real. It was too real. “When I fought Zenitsu at the Infinity Castle and.. he.. ..I turned him into..” Kaigaku startled when Tanjiro took up space beside him, though.. he wasn’t sure why he was so surprised. It was Tanjiro, after all.
“Not.. your fault.”
Not your fault. The words seared themselves into Kaigaku like a brand. It’s all Tanjiro had ever told him when it came to this. But what did he know? What did he know about how loatheful what Kaigaku had done was? The past that kept catching up to him? He hated how weak he was, drowning in self loathing while everyone around him was getting up and moving forwards. But every time he looked at them, he was just reminded of how lacking he himself was. He was surrounded by heroes. But he..
“You don’t understand, Tanjiro. You were never.. you’re too..” Kaigaku let out a growl without noticing he was doing it. Not until Tanjiro removed himself and sat down across from him, hands on his knees.
“Tell,” he said patiently, eyes searching his own. He saw the words get stuck in Kaigaku’s throat. He must have, because he encouraged him with one of those rare smiles that never seemed to appear back when the war was ongoing and Nezuko was still a demon. Those gentle smiles that always made Kaigaku’s heart flutter and stomach churn. Nevertheless, he felt safe around Tanjiro. Nauseatingly safe.
“You’re too kind,” he finally said, fully sitting up cross-legged on his futon. “So is Nezuko.. so is Aoi.. everyone was fighting on the front lines that night for the fate of the world. And I was fighting for myself. Even then, I expected Zenitsu to forgive me? I’m the definition of selfish.”
“Why?” Tanjiro’s hand came up over his heart, his brows furrowed in genuine concern. Then, he extended his hand and took up Kaigaku’s. The one he’d used to behead countless demons. The one he’d used to behead–
He snatched it back, and Tanjiro startled. It made him feel like a piece of shit.
“Why am I the definition of selfish..? What do you think? You already know this about me. You know I only cared for myself. I lived with a family until I betrayed them and had them all killed so I could survive. I tormented my junior until he became Uppermoon 6 to spite me. And what’s worse? ..I haven’t made anything right. I’m alive because I left behind a trail of bodies. ..And I.. I can’t reconcile with a trail of bodies.” Kaigaku dragged a hand over his eyes, a funeral curtain. “I thought.. if I fought demons.. if I died protecting other people.. somehow it would make my sins less atrocious. I didn’t realize how disgusting that kind of thought was until I saw Zenitsu. ..Who was I to think I could ever justify what I did?”
Tanjiro took his hand again, pulling it away. He looked back and forth between Kaigaku’s eyes, silent like a moth. He didn’t understand how Tanjiro could hold it so tenderly. So carefully, like it wasn’t the hand responsible for so many deaths. Like it didn’t belong to a cowardly orphan who’d never learned to care about anyone other than himself. It made his skin crawl. He wanted more at the same time he wished Tanjiro would get up and leave him behind forever.
“Bad?” Tanjiro shook his head. “Hope.” He put his other hand over his chest again. “You.. save everyone.”
Kaigaku exhaled quietly. Tanjiro had always been an angel, even to the most wicked of those decomposing wretches sustained on human blood. Of course, he would try to lift Kaigaku’s spirits, even if he wasn’t worth the effort. That was no surprise. But then, he did something Kaigaku had never seen him do to any demon. Anyone. He lifted Kaigaku’s murderous hand, and he kissed its knuckles.
Kaigaku’s mind blanked.
“Tanjiro.. why?” his voice came out strangled, and Kaigaku’s pride wilted when he heard his own voice. “Why would you..? I..”
“Why? Kaigaku, not perfect. But.. always.. try to get better. I.. I.. respect.” It was the most Kaigaku had ever heard him speak, but Tanjiro wasn’t done. “Hated me.. too. Failed.. to protect.. Mother.. Takeo.. Hanako.. Shigeru.. Rokuta.. ..Nezuko..”
“You can’t blame yourself for that, Tanjiro,” he still sounded shaken to himself, but he found his voice’s firm grip again. “It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t even there. No one can.. No one should..”
“I know.” Tanjiro’s deep breath sliced through the deathly still air. It made Kaigaku realize that he’d stopped breathing. “Because.. you.”
“Because of.. me?”
“Yes.” Tanjiro paused, then let Kaigaku go. It felt cold, but his pride hissed and his shame recoiled at the thought of reaching for Tanjiro’s hand again. He didn’t have to. Tanjiro embraced his head and kissed it. Kaigaku thought he was melting.
“..I don’t understand,” he finally sighed, and fell onto Tanjiro’s chest. Tanjiro did not respond, but he didn’t push him.
But then he bolted up again. “Wait, but if someone actually did blame you for all that, who the hell was it? I’m going to murder that good-for-nothing!”
Tanjiro smiled sheepishly and shook his head. Kaigaku was on the verge of protest when the door slammed open.
“Can you two shut up already?!” Aoi pointed at them accusingly. “Some of us are trying to reset their sleep cycle!”
Tanjiro immediately flew up like an insect avoiding a dragonfly, waving his hands to apologize. Kaigaku, meanwhile, snapped right back.
“You’re literally being louder than both of us combined!”
“Guys..” Nezuko appeared behind Aoi, rubbing her eyes. “What’s all the commotion about..?”
That shut everyone up. Nezuko, the deepest sleeper among them, waking up because of the noise.
“Ah.. n-nothing, Nezuko,” Aoi shot a glare at Kaigaku before shutting the door again. “Just some boys being loud..”
“Oh, okay..”
Tanjiro sighed, looking quite guilty after waking Nezuko, so Kaigaku quelled his feelings and took his hand, guiding him back to his futon.
“Maybe we should just sleep, like Aoi said.” When Tanjiro looked up at him with concern, Kaigaku shook his head. “It’s okay, I’m fine. …Thank you.”
That seemed to quell his concerns, because he lay back down. Kaigaku shifted, himself, and closed his eyes, but before he could drift off again, he felt a hand on his shoulder, just barely there, like the mist.
“Kaigaku.. love you.”
“...I love you too, Tanjiro.”