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Suddenly, Cloe feels the ground beneath her feet. In an instant, she sees herself from the outside. She feels her heart beating wildly. She hears the blood pounding in her ears. She takes a deep breath through her nose to clear her thoughts. She feels the soft skin under her palm. She feels the other woman's leg between her legs. She opens her eyes and sees Marta's flushed face, her swollen lips, the unbuttoned buttons on her blouse. She sees her own hand disappearing somewhere around her waist under Marta's blouse. She feels two strong but gentle arms embrace her waist. She closes her eyes for a moment, takes another deep breath. She has wanted this since the first meeting. She feels Marta lean closer for another kiss. Cloe leans back a little, so that the rejection won't be too offensive.
"No. This, now... this can't be done now."
Marta's eyes show uncertainty, confusion. Cloe gently caresses her face, very slowly pulling her hand out from under Marta's blouse. Marta's eyes flash with incomprehension, and perhaps hurt.
"Marta" - Cloe pronounces her name as gently as only she can - "it's not what you think. My God. I'm the luckiest person on earth to be here with you right now. Oh, you can't even imagine what I'm feeling right now. I want you" she swallows "I really want you, but" and starts adjusting the buttons on Marta's blouse "but not like this. This place, this circumstance wouldn't be worthy of you." After a short pause she adds "And I don't know whether... that you really want me."
Marta smiles coquettishly and leans closer again. “Isn’t this clear to you?” “From here, from here, from the depths of your heart.” Marta pauses, and for some reason she can’t meet Cloe’s gaze. “Marta, it’s okay. I have feelings for you. But you’ve been honest with me about this. I have no expectations of you, I just don’t want you to regret being a mistake for you. And then resent me.” She rests her forehead against Marta’s and takes a deep breath. “It’s hard to leave you here right now, believe me, but I have to. For both of us.” Cloe steps back and takes Marta’s hand. “Think about it, Marta, and when you've come to terms with your feelings, no matter what, you know where to find me.” Cloe lifted Marta's hand to her lips, blew a soft kiss on it, and then left the office.
Marta unconsciously stroked her hand, where she had received the last kiss, and tears ran down her eyes. She felt her body yearning for the other woman, and she felt her heart clenching.
Chloe is right.
There is this tension that has been building between them for a long time, and now that a spark has ignited it, it would have engulfed everything in flames, but maybe all that would have been left behind would have been emptiness and guilt. Maybe it would have ruined everything between them?
What was she feeling now? Too many things at once. Her heart still ached, no doubt, but she could laugh again, and it was thanks to Chloe. The pain no longer haunted her every hour of the day, it was there like grief that could only be lived with, and perhaps a little easier every day. She had to look a little further ahead every day, or else she would have been dragged into the abyss by a whirlpool. With Chloe there had been moments of liberation, but they had their price. After them came guilt and confusion, wondering if she could feel happy and light, even for a moment.
Was she happy? Yes, sometimes she was downright happy. At first, she liked it when she noticed that she had piqued someone's interest. With this, her life began anew, excitement, joy, and anticipation returned to everyday life.
The first kiss came as a surprise to her, not that it happened, if she was going to be honest, it was quite clear where things were going, she let it happen. She couldn't return the kiss, not because her body didn't want to, and not because curiosity didn't drive her to savor the other woman's kiss. It was simply beyond the limit she had set for herself. The unexpected thing about the first kiss wasn't that it happened, but that she completely froze, couldn't say a word, and her heart almost jumped out of its socket.
Her relationship with Chloe was like magnetism, one day they were attracted to each other, the next day they were repelled. She had to be honest with herself, also for Cloe's sake. It wasn't just a physical attraction, it was in the beginning. Maybe if the first kiss had been reciprocated, and they had reached the point where they were today, neither of them would have wanted to stop. But now these feelings were here, and not just from Chloe. The other woman had become too important to Marta to hurt her. She had gotten to know her and appreciated her inner qualities, her determination, her self-confidence, her intelligence, even her fierceness.
And what she had seen in Cloe's eyes lately had penetrated her heart. She looked at her so honestly, so openly, with such longing. She couldn't abuse that. Cloe had become important, and she felt a strange feeling in her stomach when she thought of her, a warmth welled up in her heart. What should she do? She can't hurt Chloe. She wanted to see her smile, the sparkle in her eyes, hear the joy in her voice, hear her own name on her lips. She wanted to make her happy. What was all this? What was happening to her? What should she do?