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The internet doesn't forget, okay?
It also doesn't need much. Two moments. Two tiny, blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments, and suddenly there are compilation videos with titles like "yoonchae being homophobic for 30 seconds straight" with crying-laughing emojis. Ironic, that. Straight.
Her phone screen is too bright and she should sleep—they have a radio interview at 9—but she keeps scrolling through the tweets, the TikToks, and the comments. At like… what? She checks the time. Ah, it’s already 2 am. Okay. Okay…
yoonchae said gay rights? more like gay wrongs 💀
NOT YOONCHAE DISSOCIATING WHEN THEY MENTIONED THE GAYS
she's so real for that tho like same girl same
Her thumb hovers over the like button on that last one. Doesn't press it. Obviously. Instead she locks her phone. Unlocks it. Locks it again.
The first time was the VMAs. Four months ago now, but it's everywhere again because of—well. Because of yesterday. But the VMAs first.
She remembers: there are too many artists everywhere. It’s kind of odd, thinking about it now. Wow, she’s a famous pop star now, with 5 other girls who are as almost as young as she is. Almost. She’s 17, the youngest, and she never would’ve imagined that this moment — this VERY moment — would redefine what the world thinks about her.
The interviewer was young and enthusiastic. He was definitely one of those people who talks with their whole body, gesturing, bouncing slightly on their toes.
“What's your message to the gays?" He had said.
And Manon—God, Manon—didn't even hesitate. Just leaned into the mic and went, "WE LOVE THE GAYS!"
Daniela echoed her, that huge smile on her face, the one that makes her eyes disappear. "We LOVE the gays!"
Lara nodded enthusiastically. Sophia laughed. Megan—
Megan had this look. This soft look. Like she was seeing every single person in their fanbase at once, seeing them really seeing them, and she said something too but Yoonchae can't remember what because—
Because Yoonchae was thinking about her Korean fans. The ones who left comments in Hangul under their videos. The ones who made beautiful fan art and learned the choreo and stayed up at unreasonable hours to watch their lives. The ones who would—who might—
Who would what, exactly?
She doesn't know. That's the problem. She doesn't know and it all feels like she’s standing at the edge of something high, something where you can't see the bottom.
She'd smiled. She knows she smiled because she'd felt her cheeks move, felt the muscles in her face do the thing they're supposed to do. But she hadn't said anything. The words were right there—"we love the gays," four words, four syllables in English, so easy—but they'd gotten stuck somewhere between her brain and her mouth and then the interviewer was already moving on, asking Sophia about her dress.
Later, in the van back to the hotel, Megan had been scrolling through her phone.
"We're trending," she'd said, and there was something in her voice. Or nothing at all? Basically, she said it so casually.
Yoonchae had looked out the window and watched the Los Angeles lights blur past. She didn't ask what they were trending for.
She'd found out later anyway. Alone in her hotel room, she'd typed "katseye vmas" into TikTOk and—
Well.
Most of it was positive, thank goodness. Clips of Manon and Daniela, heart emojis, "we love supportive queens." But then. Scattered throughout. "yoonchae was silent the whole time 👀" and "why did yoonchae look so uncomfortable lol" and "not yoonchae saying nothing 😭"
She'd wanted to reply. Wanted to say—what? What would she even say?
"I wasn't uncomfortable, I was just thinking"? Thinking about what, exactly?
"I support everyone"? Which is true, it's true, she does, but saying it feels like… Like proving something. As though there's something to prove.
She'd said nothing. Again. Locked her phone. Stared at the ceiling.
The comments died down after a week. Mostly. There were still jokes but they were fewer, easier to ignore, easier to scroll past without that thing in her chest getting heavier.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday was in New York (NEW YOOOORK! This is where dreams are maaaade of!!!).
It was pretty chill, considering it was only the soundcheck. A small crowd had formed to watch them and it brought a smile to Yoonchae’s face. These are VIP ticket payers! They payed a lot more just to see them be silly in baggy clothes.
A fan in the front row was holding up a flag. The pink and purple and blue were bright even under the stage lights.
And Megan—Megan saw it and her whole face just… lit up. That's the only way to describe it. Like someone had turned on a light inside her.
She'd run to the edge of the stage, laughing, and the fan had tossed the flag up and Megan had caught and wrapped it around her shoulders like a cape.
Yoonchae had been watching from her position. They were supposed to be getting ready for the next song but everyone had kind of stopped, were watching Megan, were smiling.
Then Lara and Manon were at the other side of the stage. Someone had thrown them a different flag—white and orange and pink, a lesbian flag, with "LESBIANS FOR KATSEYE" written across it in black sharpie. Scattered throughout the flag were signatures from— Yoonchae assumes— lesbian fans. They'd held it up together, laughing, and the screaming got even louder, which shouldn't have been possible but was.
Sophia had run over to them. Daniela too. They were all there, all together, this little cluster of joy and pride and—and freedom, maybe. Yeah. Freedom.
And Yoonchae was.
Standing there.
She'd felt—she doesn't know what she'd felt. It was too much. Too loud. The colors were too bright and the screaming was too loud and her chest was too tight and she couldn't—
She'd stayed where she was. Hadn't moved toward them. Hadn't moved away either, which—that counts for something, right? Just. Stayed. Stood there. Existed in that space, not quite in, not quite out. She was looking at nothing.
Megan had looked over at her at one point. Just for a second. And Yoonchae had—God, she doesn't even know what expression she'd had on her face. Doesn't want to know, actually. But Megan had looked away quickly, had gone back to the fan, and kept smiling.
The next song had started. They'd all gotten back into position. Megan had kept the flag for two more songs before a staff member took it from her since they had to get ready for the actual show.
And now… Now Yoonchae is doomscrolling at 3 AM and the memes are back.
yoonchae zoning out AGAIN when the gays are mentioned im crying 😭😭😭
compilation of yoonchae avoiding pride flags
not to be that person but yoonchae's energy shifts when queer stuff comes up and i can't be the only one noticing???
Someone replied to that last one: "she's korean give her a break lmao different culture"
And that—that makes it worse somehow. Because they're right but they're also wrong. It is different but not in the way they think. Not in the way she can explain.
Because here's the thing:
Yoonchae doesn't have a problem with queer people. She doesn't. She's not—she's not that. She wants them to be happy, wants them to be safe, wants them to have everything they deserve. When she sees Megan with that flag wrapped around her shoulders, face glowing, she thinks—good. She thinks—I'm glad. She thinks—you should get to have this.
She thinks—I wish.
And that's… well…
That's where it gets complicated.
Her phone buzzes. Megan. A text to the group chat: "cant sleep 🙃 anyone up?"
Yoonchae watches the text sit there. She also watches the little dots appear as someone types.
Lara: "go to SLEEP we have radio in 6 hours"
Megan: "thats so many hours tho"
Sophia: "6 is not many actually"
Daniela: "💤💤💤"
The dots appear again. Disappear. Appear.
Megan: "yoonchae u up? saw u post on ig"
Yoonchae's heart does this—this stupid thing. This jump. She'd posted a story twenty minutes ago, just a photo of the ceiling. No caption. Probably concerning in retrospect.
She types: "cant sleep"
Megan: "same. wanna watch smth?"
And Yoonchae should say no. Should say she's actually really tired, about to pass out any second now. Should—
"sure"
Three minutes later there's a soft knock on her door. Yoonchae gets up, smooths down her hair even though it's pointless, opens it.
Megan's standing there in an oversized t-shirt and shorts, phone in one hand, charger in the other, looking soft and tired and—
"Hey," Megan whispers.
"Hi," Yoonchae whispers back.
They settle on Yoonchae's bed, backs against the wall, a laptop balanced on their knees. Some show neither of them really cares about flashes on the screen, acting as just background noise, but most probably just an excuse to not be alone.
Megan’s shoulder is warm where it presses against Yoonchae's.
"You okay?" Megan asks, not looking at her. Looking at the screen. "You seemed... I don't know. Quiet today."
"I'm always quiet."
"Different quiet."
Yoonchae doesn't know what to say to that. On the screen, someone is laughing. A laugh track plays. It's supposed to be funny.
"Did you see the memes?" The words come out before Yoonchae can stop them.
Megan shifts. Still not looking at her. "Yeah."
"They think I'm homophobic."
"They're joking."
"I know. But."
"But," Megan agrees.
Silence. On screen, more laughing. Yoonchae isn't processing any of it.
"You're not, though," Megan says quietly. "Homophobic."
It's not quite a question but it's not quite a statement either.
"No," Yoonchae says. "I'm not."
"Okay," Megan says. Simple and easy. Like it's that easy.
And maybe for her it is. Maybe when you're already out, already free, already wrapped in flags and pride and certainty, maybe it is that easy.
Yoonchae wants to say: I'm not homophobic but I'm terrified.
She wants to say: I see you with those flags and I feel like I'm drowning.
She wants to say: it's not about them, it's about—
But she doesn't say any of that. Instead she says, "Sorry."
"For what?"
"For being weird. About—about everything."
Megan finally looks at her. The laptop screen casts blue light across her face. "You're not weird."
"I feel weird."
"Everyone feels weird sometimes." Megan's voice is soft. Careful. "It's okay to... to take your time with stuff. You know that, right?"
And Yoonchae doesn't know what stuff Megan means. She doesn't know if Megan knows or can see something Yoonchae hasn't even admitted yet.
"Yeah," she says. "I know."
They watch the show. Neither of them laughs at the jokes. At some point Megan's head tips onto Yoonchae's shoulder, gets heavy with almost-sleep. Yoonchae stays very still. Counts Megan's breaths. Tries not to think about why her heart is beating so fast.
Tries not to think about the memes.
Tries not to think about the flags.
Tries not to think about how when Megan had looked at her earlier, for just that one second during the show, Yoonchae had felt—
No.
She's not thinking about that.
She's not.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Yoonchae, you have to see this," Daniela says, shoving her phone in Yoonchae's face during breakfast. They're in—Washington? Atlanta? One of those. Her mind has been drifting off so much lately that everything just blends into together. Once you’ve seen one American neighborhood, you’ve seen it all honestly.
Yoonchae looks up from her rice. She'd been pushing it around her plate more than eating it. "See what?"
"This edit. It's so cute, oh my God. It's you and Megan."
Yoonchae's stomach twists. "Me and Megan what?"
"Just—look."
The video is already playing. That song. Soft guitar, gentle voice singing about beauty and cherry blossoms and—
And it's them.
Clips of her and Megan. So many clips. Yoonchae didn't even know there were this many. Interviews, music videos, lives. Wow, that’s a lot of moments between them. In most of them, Megas was… Megan was looking at her.
Not just looking. Looking. Yoonchae doesn’t have the right english words to describe it. It could only go that far.
The way people look at—at things they… things they care about. Things they—
"The beauty of her face was beyond my wildest dreams," the song goes, and there's Megan watching Yoonchae before she even meets her gaze in that colorful elevator. Megan's expression is… It's soft.
"Like cherry blossoms blooming in the mountain in the early spring," and it’s a clip of them pre-debut. She laughs emptily to herself, remembering they used to have beef around this time. And now… they’re closer than ever. A dark thought whispered in the back of her mind: not close enough.
She ignores it.
The clips change to her benefit as she snaps out of it. It’s them in Korea again, and Megan looks so… so… so beautiful in that Hanbok and her hair tied up so neatly.
Yoonchae wants to look away from the phone. Can't.
"As we walked by the river and she softly took hold of my hand," and there's footage from one of their lives: Megan literally did take her hand. She remembers how clingy Megan was and how warm her hand was. Ah? But what is this? Megan’s eyes lingering on their intertwined fingers?
"That's when I fell deep in love with the girl made in Korea."
…more clips of Megan looking at her like that.
The video loops. Starts again.
"Right?" Daniela is saying. "It's so cute. The song is about someone made in Japan but they changed it to Korea for you. Meichae nation is thriving."
"Meichae?"
"You and Megan. It's your ship name. Keep up, Yoonchae."
Yoonchae's mouth is dry. Unbeknownst to Daniela (and possibly to Yoonchae herself), Yoonchae’s heart skips a beat whenever she hears or sees the ship name. Or duo name? Daniela, did you just call it a ship name?
Daniela takes her phone back, still scrolling. "Oh, this one has like 100k views. This one has—holy shit, this one has 500k likes."
500k people watching Megan look at her like. Like that.
"Can I—" Yoonchae's voice comes out weird. Rough. "Can I see that again? The first one."
Daniela lights up. "See, I knew you'd think it was cute." She pulls the video back up, hands the phone over.
Yoonchae watches it again. And again. And—one more time.
Each time she tries to focus on herself in the clips. Tries to see what she looked like in those moments. Whether she was looking at Megan the same way Megan was looking at her.
She can't tell. The edits are focused on Megan, the way these things always are. Yoonchae is mostly background, mostly reaction shots.
But in a few clips she can see. Can see herself turning toward Megan, smiling at Megan, and—
Does she look like that too?
"Earth to Yoonchae," Daniela waves her hand. "You good? You're staring really hard at that phone."
"Sorry. Yeah. I'm good." Yoonchae hands the phone back. "It's cute."
"Right? Eyekons are so talented." Daniela takes a bite of her waffle. "Some of them are convinced you two are dating, you know."
The orange juice Yoonchae is drinking goes down wrong. She coughs. "What?"
"I mean, I don't think you are. You'd tell us, right? But like, the edits are kind of convincing." Daniela shrugs. "Honestly, you two would be cute together."
Yoonchae's brain is. Not working. Not processing. "I—we're not—"
"I know, I know. I'm just saying. Hypothetically." Daniela grins. "Don't worry, I won't tell the internet you're homophobic toward your own ship."
It's a joke. It's clearly a joke. Daniela is laughing.
Yoonchae laughs too. It sounds normal. Probably. Maybe.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Later, alone in her hotel room because they have a rare afternoon off, Yoonchae opens TikTok.
She shouldn't. She knows she shouldn't. This is—this is a bad idea. Obviously a bad idea.
She types "meichae" into the search bar anyway.
Hundreds of results. Thousands maybe. Videos and videos and videos of her and Megan, set to every song imaginable, edited in every way possible.
She clicks on one. Then another. Then another.
Most of them are like Daniela's—focused on the way Megan looks at her. A common theme in these videos’ comment sections: "The way Megan looks at Yoonchae hits different."
And they're right. It does hit different.
Because in every video, in every clip, Megan's face is so. Open. That's the word. Open. Like she's not hiding anything, not holding anything back. When she looks at Yoonchae, it's all there. Whatever she's feeling, it's right there on her face for anyone to see.
Yoonchae wonders what that's like.
To just. Feel something. And let it show. Let the whole world see it and not care.
To not have to calculate every expression, every reaction, every word. To not have to think about who's watching, what they'll think, what it means.
She keeps scrolling. Finds one of the edits set to that "Made in Japan" song. Not the one Daniela showed her—a different one. This one has even more clips. Some she doesn't remember being filmed.
There's one from a concert. Yoonchae is sitting on the stage during one of the slower songs, catching her breath, and Megan walks over, crouches down beside her. Says something that the camera can't pick up. Yoonchae laughs. And Megan—
Megan looks at her like she's. Like she's something precious. Something rare.
Like cherry blossoms, maybe. Blooming in early spring.
Yoonchae's hand is shaking. Just slightly. She puts the phone down.
Picks it up again.
There's another edit. This one is newer, posted just a few hours ago. The caption says "the way they look at EACH OTHER i'm sick" with a bunch of crying emojis.
This one is different. This one shows both of them.
Megan looking at Yoonchae, yes. But also—Yoonchae looking at Megan.
And oh.
Oh no.
Because Yoonchae can see it now. How can she not? Sure, they’re being silly in concerts, that’s just how they are. But now that it’s all laid out for her, how can she pass these off as fake? It’s as clear as day: Yoonchae looks at Megan fondly.
It's not the same as Megan's expression. Not exactly. Megan looks with affection, with warmth, with something easy and uncomplicated.
Yoonchae looks—
Yoonchae looks like she's studying something. Like she's trying to memorize it. Like she's watching someone do something she wishes she could do.
Like she's mourning something she's never had.
Or she’s probably just overthinking it. Yes, yes, she is. She tries to think of this from the perspective of other people. They look like a couple of friends, yes?
Nah.
The comments on each video are wild.
"they're in love your honor"
"NO BECAUSE THE WAY YOONCHAE LOOKS AT HER"
"i'm convinced meichae is real and they're just keeping it private"
"yoonchae looks at megan like she hung the stars"
"the YEARNING in yoonchae's eyes i can't"
Yearning.
Is that what this is?
Yoonchae closes TikTok. Opens Instagram. Scrolls through her feed like she's looking for something normal and anything grounding.
Megan posted a photo an hour ago. Her hands are gripping the bathroom sink as her glassy eyes look at something off-camera. The bathroom mirror, probably. God, her hair was a mess and yet she’s somehow more beautiful.
Yoonchae catches herself staring. At the lines of Megan's shoulders. The curve of her—
She scrolls past quickly. Keeps scrolling. Doesn't let herself scroll back up even though she wants to.
She scrolls back anyway, and comments: “love this picture!” and I totally did not stare. She leaves that last part out.
Her phone buzzes. Speak of the devil.
Megan: "u wanna get dinner? everyone else is being boring and napping"
Yoonchae stares at the message. Types: "sure." Deletes it. Types: "where?" Deletes that too.
Settles on: "okay what did u have in mind"
Megan: "there's a ramen place walking distance"
Megan: "well google maps says 15 min but i think we can do it in 12"
Megan: "i believe in us"
Yoonchae smiles. Hates that she's smiling. Types: "okay lets go"
Megan: "meet u in the lobby in 10?"
"okay"
Yoonchae looks at herself in the mirror. She's still in the clothes she wore to breakfast. Hair in a messy bun. No makeup. Should she change? Should she—
Why does it matter?
It doesn't matter. They're just getting food. They get food together all the time. This is normal. This is a normal thing that friends do.
She changes anyway. Puts on a clean shirt. Fixes her hair. Just enough to look like she didn't try. Even though she did try. Even though she's trying right now, applying the lightest amount of lip balm, just enough that—
She stops. Looks at herself in the mirror.
"What are you doing?" she asks her reflection.
Her reflection doesn't answer. Just looks back at her with wide, slightly panicked eyes.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The ramen place is small. Cozy. The kind of place that has exactly eight tables and a line out the door during peak hours, but right now, mid-afternoon on a random Thursday, it's nearly empty.
They sit across from each other in a booth. Order without looking at the menu because Megan somehow always knows what she wants and Yoonchae just says "same" because deciding feels like too much work right now.
"So," Megan says, once their food arrives. "Daniela told me she showed you the edits."
Yoonchae freezes with her chopsticks halfway to her mouth. "Oh. Yeah."
"They're cute, right?" Megan is twirling noodles, not looking at Yoonchae. Her voice is casual but there's something careful underneath it.
"Yeah. Cute."
"Some of them are kind of..." Megan trails off. Laughs. "I don't know. Intense?"
"Intense how?"
"Just—the way they make it look like I'm..." Megan finally looks up. "Like I'm staring at you all the time."
Yoonchae's heart is doing that thing again. That stupid jumping thing. "You do stare at me a lot."
"I do not." But Megan is smiling.
"You do. There's video evidence."
"That's—that's selective editing. They cut out all the times I'm looking at other things."
"Like what?"
"Like—I don't know. My phone. The stage. That weird stain on the ceiling in the practice room."
Yoonchae laughs. It comes out easier than she expected. "The ceiling stain is pretty interesting."
"Right? It looks like a—okay, this is going to sound weird, but it looks like a dolphin."
"It looks like a cloud."
"A dolphin-shaped cloud."
"That's just a cloud, Megan."
They're both laughing now. Easy. Natural. This is—this is good. This is how it's supposed to be.
But then Megan says, "Do you think it's weird? The edits?"
And the easy feeling evaporates.
"Weird how?" Yoonchae asks carefully.
"I don't know. Like—people shipping us. Making it seem like we're..." Megan waves her chopsticks vaguely. "More than friends."
Yoonchae keeps her eyes on her bowl. "Does it bother you?"
"No. Not really. I mean, people ship everyone with everyone. It's kind of part of the whole idol thing, right?" Megan pauses. "Does it bother you?"
"No," Yoonchae says. Too quickly. "No, it's fine. It's—whatever. People can think what they want."
"Right. Exactly. It doesn't mean anything."
"Right."
Silence. They both eat their ramen. The broth is too hot and Yoonchae burns her tongue a little but doesn't say anything.
"For what it's worth," Megan says quietly, "I think they're kind of sweet. The edits. Like—I don't know. It's nice that people see us and think we could be that. Even if we're not."
Could be that.
Could be.
Yoonchae wonders if Megan has thought about it. If she's ever looked at Yoonchae and wondered—
No. Probably not. Megan is her friend. Megan is open and affectionate with everyone. That's just who she is. It doesn't mean—
"Yeah," Yoonchae says. "They're sweet."
Megan smiles at her. That soft smile. The one from the edits.
And Yoonchae thinks—do I look at her like that too?
Because if she does. If those edits are right, if the comments are right, if the way she looked at Megan in those clips is really how she looks at her all the time—
What does that mean?
What does it mean when you look at your friend and think about cherry blossoms? When you watch her wrap a pride flag around her shoulders and feel like you're drowning and wanting at the same time? When you spend hours scrolling through edits of the two of you, studying the way you look at her, trying to understand what your own face is saying?
When being around her feels like the easiest thing in the world and also the hardest thing you've ever done?
Yoonchae doesn't know.
Doesn't want to know.
Wants to know desperately.
She looks at Megan across the table. Megan is talking now, something about the concert tomorrow, about the setlist. Her face is animated and open.
Always open.
And Yoonchae thinks—is that what it's like when you're open? When you're not constantly calculating, constantly afraid? Do you get to just. Feel things? Look at people the way you want to look at them? Not worry about who might see, what they might think, what it might mean?
Do you get to fall in love—
Yoonchae's chopsticks clatter against her bowl.
"You okay?" Megan asks.
"Yeah. Sorry. Just—clumsy."
Megan grins. "That's my thing. You're not allowed to be clumsy too."
"Too late."
They finish their ramen. Split the bill even though Megan tries to pay for both of them. Walk back to the hotel through streets that are starting to get busy with late afternoon traffic.
At one point, crossing a particularly crowded intersection, Megan reaches over and takes Yoonchae's hand. Um. It was so casual and easy. Ah, it’s probably just to make sure they don't get separated.
Her hand is warm. Soft.
Yoonchae holds on tighter than she needs to.
Later, back in her room, she opens TikTok again.
Finds that edit. The one with the "Made in Japan" song. Watches it seven times in a row.
"That's when I fell deep in love with the girl made in Korea."
No.
No, that's not—
That's not what this is.
It's not.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Yoonchae has googled "how to know if you're gay" n times in the past three days.
Well. Not exactly that. Because typing those words directly feels too—too something. Too permanent maybe, like the search history might somehow leak even though she's in incognito mode, even though she's checked three times that she's in incognito mode, even though incognito mode is literally designed for this.
So instead she types:
"how do you know if you like girls"
"signs you might be bisexual"
"difference between admiring someone and liking them"
"can you be attracted to someone without knowing"
"is it normal to think about your friend a lot"
A lot of these results featured a particular word. Hmm.
"comphet quiz"
That last one leads her down a rabbit hole she's not prepared for. Compulsory heterosexuality. She reads the same article four times, and each time she feels like someone has reached into her chest and grabbed something vital.
"Thinking you're attracted to men because you're supposed to be, not because you actually are."
But she's never really thought about being attracted to men. Or anyone. She just. Hasn't. She'd assumed that would come later, when she was less busy, less focused on her career, less—
Less afraid?
No. That's not—
She closes that tab. Opens a new one.
"how did you know you were bi reddit" Because yes, reddit is apparently reliable even though people can be such… such… 암캐! (bitch)
The results are… There’s a lot of results. Hundreds of threads. Thousands of comments. People describing their realizations, their journeys, their stories.
Some of them are dramatic. "I knew from the moment I saw her." "It hit me like a lightning bolt."
Others are slower and quieter. "I thought everyone felt this way about their friends." "I didn't have a word for it until I was twenty-five." "I kept making excuses."
Yoonchae reads for hours.
It's 4 AM. Again. She's supposed to be sleeping. Again. They have—something tomorrow. A performance? An interview? Everything blurs together.
Her phone battery is at 12% but she keeps reading.
There's one comment that makes her stop scrolling:
"For me, the big question wasn't 'do I like girls?' It was 'did I ever actually like boys or was I just going through the motions?' Once I realized the answer was no, everything else made sense."
Yoonchae thinks about the boys at her school back in Korea. Before the company. Before training. Before everything.
Her friends would giggle about them. Point out the cute ones. Talk about who they wanted to date.
And Yoonchae would… participate. Sort of. She'd pick one—usually the one her friends thought was cutest—and agree. Yeah. He's cute. Yeah. I guess I like him too.
But she'd never actually wanted anything to happen. When one of them had asked her friend for her number, and her friend had asked Yoonchae if she was interested in anyone, Yoonchae had panicked and said no, she was too focused on training.
Which was true.
But also maybe not the full truth.
She keeps scrolling. Finds another thread: "how did you know you were actually attracted to girls vs just appreciating their beauty?"
The top comment: "When I realized I wasn't just thinking 'wow she's pretty' but 'wow I want to—'"
Yoonchae closes the app before she can read the rest.
Opens it again immediately.
"—kiss her. Hold her hand. Wake up next to her. Know what her hair smells like. Make her laugh just to see her face light up."
Oh.
Oh no.
Because Yoonchae has. Thought about those things. With—
She's thought about what Megan's hair smells like. Already knows, actually. Vanilla, as predicted. Megan looked like the type of girl to use vanilla shampoo, actually. Not that Yoonchae tried guessing before knowing.
She's thought about making Megan laugh. Does it on purpose sometimes. Says things just to see Megan smile. Hey, it worked out well. In one of the reels they made, Megan (along with the rest of the members, but Megan’s the star here), said that Yoonchae’s the funniest.
She's thought about—
No. Stop. This is. This is just friend things. Friends think about their friends. Friends want to be close to their friends.
She types: "difference between wanting to be someone's friend and having a crush"
Closes that tab immediately because even typing the word crush feels like admitting something.
Types instead: "platonic love vs romantic love"
The results are not helpful. Love is love. Love is different for everyone. Love is a spectrum. Love is—
Yoonchae doesn't know what love is.
She's seventeen. No, she just turned eighteen! She's never kissed anyone. Never wanted to kiss anyone.
Except.
Except she keeps thinking about Megan's mouth when she smiles. The way her bottom lip is slightly fuller than her top lip. The way she bites it sometimes when she's concentrating. Or doing some body roll on stage. She does that in Gabriela during Daniela’s part.
Is that—is that what wanting to kiss someone feels like?
She opens a new tab.
"how do you know if you want to kiss someone"
"signs of physical attraction"
"can you be attracted to someone and not realize it"
Her phone dies.
Yoonchae sits in the dark for a long time. Staring at the black screen. At her own faint reflection in it.
Plugs it in eventually. Waits for it to turn back on.
Opens a new tab.
"megan skiendiel coming out weverse"
She's watched this video before. Of course she has. It happened back in June. Pride month. They were all in the living room when Megan and Lara went live, and Yoonchae had been—where? In her room? Getting water? She can't remember.
She remembers coming out (ha ha, out of her room) and seeing everyone huddled around someone's phone. Remembers Sophia looking up with tears in her eyes, smiling. Remembers Daniela saying "I'm so proud of her."
Remembers watching the replay later. Alone.
She watches it again now.
Megan looks nervous. Excited. Lara is next to her, grinning.
"Happy pride month!" Megan says, and her voice is bright but it’s a little shaky if you listened well.
"Thanks, you too!" Lara responds.
"Guys, I'm coming out." Megan takes a breath. "I'm bisexual."
They both jump. Clap. Laugh. The comments explode.
Yoonchae watches Megan's face. The relief in it. The joy. Like she's been holding something heavy for a long time and finally got to put it down.
Yoonchae wonders what that feels like.
She watches the video again. Focuses on the comments this time.
"WE LOVE YOU MEGAN"
"BISEXUAL QUEEN"
"this is so brave"
"thank you for being open about this"
"representation matters 💗💜💙"
Most of them are supportive. Overwhelmingly supportive.
But there are others. Buried in the mass of love, there are—
"umm ok TMI?"
"why do we need to know this"
"keep it to yourself"
And then. In Korean:
"실망이다" (Disappointed)
"이런 걸 왜 공개해" (Why would you reveal this)
"미국 애들은..." (American kids...)
Yoonchae's stomach turns.
She doesn't know why she keeps reading. Keeps scrolling. Most of the negative comments have been deleted by now, buried under the positive ones, but she finds them anyway. She seeks them out like pressing on a bruise.
Because this is what she's afraid of.
This exact thing.
Even with all the love, all the support, there's still—this. These voices. These comments.
And Megan is American. Megan is confident. Megan has that—that shield of not caring what other people think.
Or at least seeming like she doesn't care.
Does she care? Did those comments hurt her?
Yoonchae wants to ask. Can't ask. Doesn't know how to ask without revealing why she's asking.
She closes that tab. Opens a new one.
Types: "how did megan skiendiel know she was bisexual"
Nothing helpful comes up. Just the coming out video. Some interviews where she mentions it casually. A few articles about representation in K-pop.
Nothing about how she knew. When she knew. What made her sure.
Did she kiss girls? Is that how you know?
Yoonchae has never kissed anyone. Hasn't wanted to. Hasn't had time to think about it, really, with training and debut and touring and—
And that's a lie. That's an excuse. There are people who make time. Who date during training, during promotion, who find ways.
Yoonchae just. Never wanted to.
Never wanted to kiss the boys who tried to talk to her at music shows. Never wanted to flirt back when someone flirted with her. Never wanted—
But she thinks about Megan and—
And what? What does she think?
She thinks about Megan laughing. Megan singing. Megan wrapped in that pride flag looking like she'd won something, like she'd claimed something that was always hers.
She thinks about Megan's hand in hers at that intersection. So warm that it burns just thinking about it. She’s engulfed in flames.
She thinks about Megan looking at her in all those edits. Looking at her like—
Yoonchae's brain provides an image before she can stop it: Megan leaning in. Megan's mouth. Megan's hands cupping her face and—
No.
No no no.
She closes every tab. Locks her phone. Puts it face down on the nightstand.
Picks it up again.
Opens TikTok because that's somehow safer than Google, somehow less incriminating even though it's not, it's definitely not.
Types "megan skiendiel" in the search bar.
Scrolls through videos. Concert clips. Funny moments. A lot of it were memes, actually. Dyslexic queen, you go girl.
Scroll,
Scroll,
Scroll,
Scroll.
She comes across that video of Megan and Manon fake-kissing.
Yoonchae feels sick.
She doesn't know why.
But the thought of Megan kissing someone—kissing anyone—makes Yoonchae want to throw her phone across the room.
Which is insane. Which is not normal. Which is definitely not a friend thing.
She watches the video again. Fuck, how many girls did Megan kiss already? How many boys? But Megan is fake kissing Manon here, so probably she likes girls more?
Is that what it's like? Is that the sign? Being more interested in girls than in the boys you're supposed to be interested in?
Yoonchae has never kissed anyone so she doesn't have a comparison. Doesn't have a moment to look back on and think "oh, that should have told me."
All she has is—this. Whatever this is. This feeling that's been building for weeks now, maybe longer. This thing she keeps trying to ignore and keeps failing to ignore.
This thing that makes her google "am I gay quiz" at 4 AM and then close the tab before the page even loads.
This thing that makes her watch Megan's coming out clip multiple times and feel proud and terrified in equal measure.
This thing that makes her think about Megan's mouth and then hate herself for thinking about Megan's mouth.
Ugh. She's so tired.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
At breakfast, Sophia asks if she's feeling okay.
"You look exhausted," she says, concerned. Big sister mode activated!
"Didn't sleep well," Yoonchae mumbles.
"Bad dreams?"
"Something like that."
Megan slides into the seat next to her. Her thigh presses against Yoonchae's and it's—it's normal. They sit like this all the time. It's normal.
She’s engulfed in flames again nonetheless.
"Morning," Megan says, bright and cheerful because of course she is. Because Megan sleeps fine. Probably doesn't spend hours googling her sexuality and reading Reddit threads and watching coming out videos over and over.
"Morning," Yoonchae says. Doesn't look at her.
"You okay? You seem—"
"I'm fine."
It comes out snappish. Harsher than she meant.
Megan blinks. "Okay. Sorry."
"No, I—sorry. I'm just tired."
"Did you not sleep?"
"I slept fine."
"But you just said—"
"I said I'm fine, Megan."
Silence. Yoonchae can feel everyone looking at her. Sophia. Daniela. Lara. Manon from across the table.
"Okay," Megan says quietly. She shifts away slightly. Not much. But enough that they're not touching anymore.
Yoonchae feels the loss of it like a physical thing.
She stares at her plate. Eggs, toast, and some fruit she's not going to eat.
The conversation moves on around her. Something about the show tonight. Something about a meet and greet. Yoonchae isn't listening. She's thinking about the space between her and Megan.
She's thinking about how Megan's face looked when Yoonchae snapped at her. Hurt and confused.
She's thinking about how she wants to apologize but doesn't know how. Because apologizing means explaining and explaining means—
What? What would she even say?
Sorry, I'm in a bad mood because I spent all night googling whether I'm gay and thinking about your mouth?
Right. That'll go over well.
"Yoonchae."
She looks up. Manon is watching her with a sharp look.
"You with us?" Manon asks.
"Yeah. Sorry. Just spacing out."
"Get some coffee," Sophia suggests. "You look like you need it."
Yoonchae gets coffee. It tastes like burnt water but she drinks it anyway.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
She's irritable all day.
First, she snaps at the stylist when she pulls Yoonchae's hair too hard. Second, she messes up the choreography twice during rehearsal, which she never does. Third, she can't focus during the sound check because her mind is somewhere else, somewhere she doesn't want it to be, thinking about things she doesn't want to think about.
"What's up with you today?" Lara asks during a water break.
"Nothing."
"That's obviously not true."
"I'm just tired."
"You said that already."
"Because it's true."
Lara gives her a look. Yoonchae ignores it. Drinks her water. Doesn't look at Megan, who's across the stage talking to their choreographer. Definitely doesn't notice the way Megan's tank top is riding up slightly. Definitely doesn't think about—
Stop.
Just stop.
The show that night is fine. Good, even. The audience is energetic and loud and Yoonchae loses herself in the performance like she always does, lets the music take over, lets her body move on autopilot.
It's the one time she's not thinking. The one time everything just—is.
But then the show ends and she's backstage and Megan is there, still sweaty from the performance, glowing with that post-show high, and she's hugging Daniela and laughing about something and—
And Yoonchae feels it again. That twist in her stomach. That ache.
Jealousy?
No. That's not—she's not jealous of Daniela. That's insane.
But… but she kind of wants to be the one Megan is hugging. The one making Megan laugh.
Which is insane. Which is not normal. Which is—
"Great show, Yoonchae." Manon appears next to her. "You good?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"Because you've been weird all day."
"I'm not weird."
"You yelled at hair and makeup."
"I didn't yell. I just—she was pulling too hard."
Manon gives her that look again.
"If you need to talk—" she starts.
"I don't."
"Okay. But if you do—"
"I know. Thanks."
Manon squeezes her shoulder and walks away.
Yoonchae stands there. Watches Megan laugh with Daniela. Watches her be easy and open and free.
Watches her be everything Yoonchae can't be.
Later, back at the hotel, Yoonchae lies in bed and opens her phone.
Types: "how to stop having feelings for someone"
Stares at the search results for a long time.
Closes the browser.
Opens it again.
Types: "how did you accept being gay"
Reads until her eyes hurt.
Until the words blur together.
Until she doesn't know what she's reading anymore, just knows she's looking for something, some answer, some sign that this is okay, that she's okay, that whatever this is, it's—
Her phone buzzes.
Megan: "hey"
Megan: "sorry if i did something today"
Megan: "you seemed mad at me"
Yoonchae's chest hurts.
Types: "no you didnt do anything"
Deletes it.
Types: "sorry for being weird"
Deletes it.
Types: "im not mad at you"
Sends it before she can overthink it.
Three dots appear. Disappear. Appear again.
Megan: "okay good"
Megan: "i was worried"
Megan: "you know you can talk to me right? if somethings wrong"
Yoonchae stares at that message for a full minute.
Types: "i know"
Types: "its nothing. just tired"
Types: "sorry"
Megan: "stop apologizing"
Megan: "get some sleep okay?"
Megan: "tomorrow will be better"
Will it?
Yoonchae doesn't type that. Just types: "okay. goodnight"
Megan: "goodnight 🌙"
Yoonchae looks at the moon emoji for longer than is probably normal.
Closes her messages.
Opens her browser.
Types: "comphet test"
Takes the quiz.
Gets to question five: "Do you find yourself more interested in girls than boys but assume everyone feels this way?"
Closes the browser.
Turns off her phone.
Lies in the dark.
Thinks about Megan's face when she came out. That relief. That joy.
Thinks about Megan when she was fifteen, probably kissing some boy at a party while being more interested in what her friend was wearing.
Thinks about herself. Eighteen and never kissed anyone. Eighteen and googling "am I gay" like it's a secret that might kill her if it gets out.
Eighteen and in love with—
No.
She's not.
She's not in love.
She can't be.
Can she?
Korea is going to kill her.