Archive of Our Own

            “Game set!”

            Cheers erupted throughout the stadium as the winning team ran towards the pitcher’s mound in happiness. Slowly standing up from his place behind home plate, refusing to admit his legs were going to give at any moment, Miyuki looked on through his mask at the pitcher grinning from ear to ear. A warm smile felt itself onto Miyuki’s face before twisting into a grim line, realizing all the words he couldn’t say anymore. He was forced to stand there and try to comprehend the distance between them.

            That smile did not belong to him anymore. The smile that looked at him in anticipation for every sign was lost in the crowd. The smile that shined with pearl white teeth whenever Miyuki offered to catch his pitch was nowhere to be found. Sawamura Eijun had moved on, leaving Miyuki behind. He stood on the mound, using only his arm and own skills to win the game. Even here on the field, Miyuki was not the reason that smile existed.

            “He’s moving in with me.”

            “What, are you his mom now?” Miyuki snickered as Kuramochi replied with a silent glare. Usually he’d get an angry retort, maybe a snarl, but Miyuki could see Kuramochi’s refusal to play along. Miyuki had drained all of Kuramochi’s patience and they had only been here for about five minutes.

            “Better than him moving in with a stranger.” He sighed as he took another swig of his beer. The lights were dimmed with the laughter of happy drunks filling the room. Even though his face was burning red, Kuramochi showed no signs of smiling. His lips were pursed tight together, eyes refusing to waver from his stare. It was a miracle Kuramochi even agreed to meet up with Miyuki. After having to deal with Sawamura crashing into his house at four in the morning, he assumed Kuramochi would never speak to him again.

            It was Miyuki Kazuya’s fault.

            That was always Kuramochi’s first assumption, especially when it came to Sawamura. No matter how many stupid mistakes Sawamura made as his roommate, Kuramochi couldn’t help but list Miyuki as his first suspect. “Who can trust a sneaky tanuki like you?” were words Miyuki heard too often.

Yet the guilt and lack of sleep forced Miyuki to agree with Kuramochi. His eyes were swollen, dry and red, with the last 48 hours ruining what was known as his perfect looks. Every part of his skin felt damp and cold, sweat drying awkwardly all over his body. He didn’t care how many girls hearts he broke today with these looks. He could only think of one pitcher, one specific boy who he held close.

He loved him. No, not anymore. He wasn’t allowed to care anymore. He threw away his chance to love.

            “Miyuki.” Hearing his name broke his trance, not even realizing he had zoned out. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the lack of Sawamura. It was probably both. Miyuki tossed away the thought, looking up at Kuramochi who opened his mouth to say nothing. He closed it for a fraction of a second, trying to figure out how to phrase it. Kuramochi wasn’t like Miyuki who was a genius with words, only able to stumble over his words. Even then, he could easily make his feelings clear while Miyuki could only twist it until there was nothing left. “Why haven’t you talked to Sawamura the past two days?”

            “What do I need to say to him?” The words came out fluently, rehearsed and masking his emotions. His chest tightened while Miyuki reminded himself to breathe. Keep breathing, don’t show it. Even though thinking about it was already ripping him apart from the inside. Even though saying it left him in two.

            “You, are you fucking serious?” Whatever subtlety and calm he had flew out the window as he balled his hands into fists on the table. His eyes widened into a fiery glare, reminiscent of his delinquent days. Each word snarled out of his throat. “How long are you gonna sit on your ass?”

            “Kuramochi, I crouch behind the plate, not-“ Before he could finish the half-hearted joke, he felt himself being pulled up by the collar. His glasses went askew but even then, he could see Kuramochi clenching his teeth. His eyes burned right through Miyuki, ready to tear him apart.

            “Don’t fuck with me! I swear I’ll beat you up right here.” The drunken daze of people clamoured around them, curious whispers filling the room. Reluctant staff members stood nearby, waiting for a moment to come in. Kuramochi and Miyuki were in their own bubble all because of a certain pitcher who wasn’t even here.

            “Go ahead.”

            “You little-“

            “I deserve it.” Miyuki choked the words out. He didn’t care whether his divine punishment was in the form of the shortstop brutally murdering him or the building collapsing on him. He wanted salvation, freedom from this everlasting numbness that was spreading throughout his body. He wanted to get rid of this frog in his throat that refused to come out no matter how many times he called out Sawamura’s name.

Kuramochi’s hand was still tense around his collar, but he slowly let go, silently sitting back down. They let the moment hang between them, ex-teammates who were still connected by one single thread. “…You’re an idiot.” Kuramochi broke the silence while holding his head, wrecking his brain trying to figure out what they could do. Of course, they both knew there was no answer.

            “Yeah, I really am…” Miyuki laughed a whole hearted chuckle filled with disgust towards himself. He could only laugh. For once, Sawamura wasn’t the idiot. Yet Miyuki finding himself in that position at this specific moment was just too cruel.

            He wanted to leave. Correction, he wanted to run and seclude himself at his empty apartment, hiding from his teammates and Sawamura. According to the upperclassmen, it was important they celebrate their win. Despite every excuse and sweet remarks he made, he found himself dragged along by the upperclassmen to the restaurant. They had booked a private room, barely shoving the entire team in there. Miyuki found himself close to one corner of the room, barely able to see Sawamura who sat at the far corner on the other side of the room. ‘It’s better this way,’ Miyuki kept repeating the words in his head as he ordered a beer to drown his sorrows away. He hoped if he said it enough it would come true and ease his worries.

            “Sawamura, you were amazing in today’s game!”

            “Really?” Miyuki took a quick peek to see Sawamura with a wide grin plastered on his face. His pearl white teeth shone through as Miyuki clenched his hands together, barely holding himself back from swooping Sawamura off his feet and keeping that smile to himself. ‘That idiot is was way too weak when it comes to praises.’ From Miyuki’s experiences, as long as someone shot him a single compliment, he would fawn over them for the rest of the day.

            “I never thought you could pitch a full game like that! Especially as a first year.” Another teammate nudged Sawamura with his elbow, as Eijun chuckled along with his hand on the back of his head, slightly bowing. Miyuki transferred the grip in his fists to his mug, chugging his entire beer in one go. “You must be a genius!”

            ‘Of course he’s a genius,’ Miyuki thought to himself as he hastily wiped the foam off his mouth with his sleeve. If he was going to be jealous and depressed, he might as well get drunk over it. ‘He can go from being a brat in Nagano to the ace that led Seidou to Koshien in just three years.’

            “I’m not.” Sawamura’s words rang through the entire room, getting caught in Miyuki’s ears. “Miyuki-senpai is the genius. If he wasn’t catching, I’m sure I’d have missed the glove.” He gave a small smile, modest but genuine as the entire room went silent.

            It takes a moment for Miyuki to remember to breathe. It takes a second to finally blink. A cold drop of water slides ever so gently from his glass onto his fingertips as he lets go. The world is still spinning. The others are still talking. Sawamura is laughing along with the others. Yet Miyuki is stuck. He’s frozen and can’t move and honestly doesn’t want to. After hearing words like that, how can he act the same?

            How has he been able to act this way?

            How could he act as if he didn’t miss Sawamura?

            How could Sawamura be fine?

‘Oh wait…Of course he is. He always is. Regardless of what pain he goes through, he can overcome it.’ Miyuki laughs silently to himself, hiding his smirk behind his hand. It wasn’t aimed towards Sawamura. It wasn’t towards his teammates. It was used to scoff, insult, question himself. Unlike him, Sawamura can look forward, taking every step necessary to go down his path. Sure, he would stumble and get stuck, lost on what to do. Yet despite how tired, how confused he was, he’d stand up. He would walk on his own two feet for himself.

But Miyuki could only stand in one spot, desperately reaching out for the things nearby that he wanted. He was privileged, born with talent that brought him close to whatever he liked.

Everything he didn’t like he’d just push it away. Annoying players, hurtful remarks, and even his own emotions.

            He never tried to fix it.

            He never tried to change it.

            He just ran away.

            When did it start? His heart seemed to fail him as it missed a beat and forgot its’ rhythm. He noticed it the moments Eijun would call and tell him he’d be late. He felt it get worse when Eijun said he wouldn’t be coming home in the end.

            He could feel his teeth grind when he saw Sawamura talk to another teammate. He felt his hands and feet go ice cold when another catcher offered to catch for Sawamura. He thought all the blood was drained out of him when Sawamura sheepishly agreed.

            It was piling up.

            All these feelings he never thought about.

            Jealousy, anxiety, loneliness.

            Yet he never said it. He couldn’t bear to do it. Sawamura was earnest, kind, loving to Miyuki. He was a steady rhythm, a constant beat that continued by Miyuki’s side. If he heard even a fraction of the words, he was sure Sawamura would shake, clench his fists, and hold back tears. He would promise to change and constantly check up on Miyuki. The music would change, warping and go out of tune.

            ‘I can’t let that happen.’

            Tuck it into the back of his mind. That was all Miyuki Kazuya could do. And it worked. It lasted when he was with Sawamura. His smile glowed like the sun peeking up from the horizon at dawn, warming him up after the nights Miyuki spent alone in their bed. He was left relieved, grateful, and smiling.

            Yet a whisper slipped in at the back of his mind, crawling through the small crack in the glass that was Miyuki’s heart. ‘You’re scared. You’re lonely. You hate it when he isn’t with you. He’ll never stay with you. He’ll leave you.’

            He couldn’t get rid of it. The foul taste in his mouth. The crinkling in his brow. This feeling that he was in more pain with every single second that passed. The monsters haunting his head slowly crawled back up inch by inch until he was being choked.

            He wanted to breathe, wanted to have a grasp over these feelings. He wanted it to disappear, to just go away and stop.

            But they always showed up whenever he thought of Sawamura. Regardless of all the warmth he felt, the disgust Miyuki had begun to surround him, shake him as he realized what he was really feeling.

            He couldn’t handle being with Sawamura.

            The last time he was alone with Sawamura like this was two months ago. From what he could remember, that time ended exactly how it began now. Silence, bodies shuffling awkwardly in their spot, both wanting to run away from each other.

            After hauling cabs and throwing their drunk teammates onto their way home, they were left alone. Their other teammates lived near the area, walking in the opposite direction.

            ‘Of course no one needs to go to the station. Because that’s actually possible in a place like Tokyo…’ Miyuki shoved his hands deep into his pockets, relenting over the silence between them. He throws different words around in his head, calculating his way into a smooth and peaceful goodbye. He doesn’t know how long he spent on the equation but Sawamura beat him to the chase.

            “Miyuki-senpai, you need to take the train too, right?”

            “Y-yeah. How about you?” Stumbling over his words was not like Miyuki Kazuya. Yet just being alone together fried his brain and left him in a puddle. He rubbed the back of his head, looking back at Sawamura who calmly looked back at him.

            “Yup. Let’s get going then. I don’t want to miss the last train!” Sawamura lips curve upward as he walked past Miyuki, leading the way. Miyuki clumsily followed along, reminding himself to keep moving, one foot in front of the other. ‘Ah, it’s hard to breathe again…’ Miyuki felt his chest tighten again, pain slowly spreading inside him, curling up all around him. Yet he stayed quiet, barely able to catch up as he listened to Sawamura talk about the new pitch he got to use in the game just now. Maybe hearing his voice would bring some sort of calm to this storm inside him. He wanted to find some sort of grasp, awareness about the smile in this small moment between them. No one else was here, only Miyuki got to see this smile.

            It was nothing special.

            Sawamura’s usual squabbling about his pitching is nothing special. Seeing him smile was nothing out of the ordinary.

            Yet it served as a cruel reminder of the things Miyuki threw away.

            “Miyuki-senpai, I’m home.” Miyuki could hear Sawamura’s voice at the doorway, a jingle of keys following right along. Miyuki paused for just a moment, before going back to focus on a stain that was nowhere on the spotless dishes.

            Miyuki could feel his insides boiling up, ready to burst as he avoided Sawamura’s gaze. He continued on with the dishes, hoping it would wash it away, cool him down and let him be able to smile again.

            “Miyuki-senpai?” He could feel a weight on his left shoulder, feeling Sawamura’s breath close to his ear, just brushing off his shoulder. The familiar scent of sun dried laundry only left Miyuki feeling worse, slowly wearing off whatever patience he had left. What was once comforting has ended up becoming an irritant that attached itself to him.

            “…You’re late.” He wants to say more, he wants to scream and shout, yet only those words can fall out of his lips. Quiet, slow, and meaningless, conveying absolutely nothing.

            “Ah, sorry sorry. Kanemaru was in the area so we decided to meet up.” He could Sawamura laugh, feeling the chin against him shake ever so slightly in giddiness. “He’s still bothering me about my grades though…”

            “You didn’t text me.” Hate. Anger. Spite. That’s the only way Miyuki could describe his own voice, the venom that spewed out of his mouth.

            “Oh, my phone was low on batteries.”

            “How long are you going to do this?” He grabs the faucet and slams it down, feeling Sawamura shake beside him in shock. The warmth on his shoulder slowly pulls away and Miyuki isn’t sure whether he’s thankful its gone or not.

            “M-Miyuki-senpai?” A quick trip over words shows off Sawamura’s fear, hesitation. He backs off a little slowly, and Miyuki sees the gold orbs of light shake ever so slightly. “Did I make you upset? I’m so-“

            “What do you think? OF COURSE I’D BE PISSED!” Miyuki never heard his voice go this loud, didn’t know he could shout like this. Judging from Sawamura’s flinch, he probably didn’t either. But he couldn’t stop, couldn’t just zip up his words and throw them away. “Running off with Furuya for lunch and then leaving me alone at dinner for some drinks. Don’t you realize how annoying it is to wait for an idiot like you, disregarding all my plans, and then get stood up?”

It’s spilling out. The thoughts Miyuki had were drowning the room and he couldn’t feel any lid stopping it. Sweat was dripping down his forehead and he could only clench his fists together. Miyuki could only focus on the grooves in the ground, finding just at this moment the floor tiling the most appealing thing in the world. His tongue felt heavy, throat sore from frantically talking. 

            It felt like ten years’ worth of worries were coming out.

            And he honestly enjoyed it. He enjoyed being able to breathe again, say what he felt. He thought he could get drunk on how nice it felt.

            “S-Sorry…” Miyuki traced the voice as he looked up, noticing how moist the ace’s eyes were. His lips were curved down, the bottom lip being brutally bitten. He could see Sawamura’s hand slowly reach towards his own. “I didn’t realize that I-“

            Miyuki pulled his hand away, their hands barely brushing against each other as he did.

            And their eyes meet.

            “Hurt me? Isn’t this too late? You’ve always been hurting me, whether you’re here or not.”

            'Miyuki Kazuya, what are you saying?'

            ”You don’t even care about me, about us.”

            'Stop sounding like a preschooler. Stop whining.’

            “It’s a pain having to clean up after your mess.”

            'Yet you always enjoyed it.’

            “Having to cook for you and then end up eating alone isn’t what I wanted when we moved in together.”

            ‘It’s lonely without you in front of me.’

            “Honestly, all I can think about when I hear your name is how annoying it is!”

            'Stop, stop, stop-‘ 

            “It’s a pain being with you!”

            It’s out.

            Miyuki Kazuya’s true feelings are out. There’s no more screaming, no more anger. Just silence as Miyuki tried to catch his breath, tried to realize what he just said. He wanted to sit down, wanted to just take a moment to relax after all this turmoil. Yet in all this confusion, in this mess of emotions, all he can see are tears daring to fall out of the younger boy’s eyes. His eyes are barely peeking out from under his bangs, tears barely hanging on as Sawamura finally speaks.

            “It’s a pain.” He can only murmur out the words he heard, barely repeating it to clarify.

            He doesn’t cry though.

            He doesn’t scream.

            All he does is bend his head and his chest down with his arms by his side. A silent sob emerged as he choked out, “I’m sorry.”

            And instead of holding him, instead of taking all of him in and accepting it, Miyuki stands there.

            Because he wanted to deny it.

            He wanted to joke about it.

            Yet it was true.

            Being with Sawamura was painful.

            The train was silent as Miyuki leaned against the door. There were seats everywhere but Miyuki had already been sitting for so long before. His legs were going to cramp at this rate. The outside world blurred past him, with lights becoming lines flashing in the darkness.

            Glancing away from the window, he stared at Sawamura who leaned on the glass wall perpendicular to the door. His hands were shoved into his pockets and his eyes were downcast, looking down on the floor. He was probably tired from today, but even so he chose to stand with Miyuki. A small smile snuck itself onto Miyuki’s lips, grateful Sawamura would still bear with him even now.

            “Hey…” Sawamura’s voice trailed off as he looked up to meet Miyuki’s eyes. Miyuki gave a quick hum, prompting the other boy to continue. “Today’s game went pretty well.”

            “Hmm, the new ace isn’t bragging for the entire night now? I’m surprised you learned how to be humble.” Miyuki couldn’t help but grin, missing the way it felt to tease Sawamura like this.

            “Shut up! I know how to be humble! I’m the most humble person on Earth!” Sawamura leaned forward ever so slightly, with his fists clenched to his side and cheeks puffing up.

            “That doesn’t sound modest at all.” Miyuki couldn’t help but snicker as Sawamura continued to glare at him, his eyes slowly turning cat-like. Miyuki could barely whisper out sorry between his laughs, making Sawamura redder by the second. “C’mon, don’t get so mad.”

            In his flurry of laughter, he reached his hand out. It didn’t even leave his side that far until he froze, stopping himself from reaching further. He pulled back, glad that Sawamura was still glaring and didn’t notice. Miyuki felt another prickle in his heart as he looked at the hand he took back.

            ‘It’s been so long since I saw him like this.’

            It was a habit, his privilege to hold Sawamura in his arms, especially when he had teased him too much. He would kiss and nuzzle his cheeks until the anger steamed out of Sawamura, leaving them both in giggles and smiles. It was easy for Sawamura to forget about arguments. But Miyuki enjoyed being the reason Sawamura could move on. The simple ability to affect Sawamura’s smile left Miyuki dizzy and light on his feet.

            Miyuki swore the moment he entered this train he had travelled back in time. He fell back into a period where they weren’t that close, where Miyuki had to put in effort to quell the anger embodied into the young pitcher. It’s like back in high school, where all he could do was watch and laugh along as Sawamura tried to regain his cool. At least back then he could sling his arm around Sawamura’s neck while chuckling away.

           Yet the space Miyuki noticed Sawamura maintained between them shook him back into reality. That happy time filled with friendship was the past.

            What happened between them as a couple was in the air and ended up pulling Miyuki further away. The closeness they had back then only tore them further apart. The pain was still there. Even if Sawamura may not care anymore, the anxiety was trapped in his head and refused to leave. It took over his every breath, making it painful with every moment he stayed even longer with Sawamura.

            There was distance between them. And yet a question still loomed over Miyuki’s head. It tugged at every corner in his mind, swarming all his thoughts.

            “Sawamura?”

            “Hm?”

            “Why are you still a battery with me?”

            The words came out flawlessly, no trips or stutters in between. Sawamura wasn’t stupid enough to stay with Miyuki. He knew that if Sawamura was hurt or if he didn’t like something, he’d fix it. He did it when he was in second string. He did it when he had the yips. So why would Sawamura stay with Miyuki? What benefits were there being around the asshole who dumped him at the drop of a hat?

Miyuki could feel the air get even heavier the longer Sawamura stayed silent. His golden eyes illuminated the dark train, wide with his mouth agape. He closed it. He opened it. And closed it yet again. His shoulders rose the longer he bit his lower lip, as if he wasn’t even breathing. Instead of an exhale, a question flew out at full speed.

            “Do you not want to be a battery?”

            “Don’t even joke about that.” It comes out more stern that he likes, more desperate than he imagined. But Miyuki couldn’t lie about this. He refused to. If he were to say this entire night was a dream, a fervour of images flying by in his head, he wanted to come out of it knowing he would always play with Sawamura. “I would never give up catching your pitches.”

            “…I’m the same.” Even as Miyuki looked forward, he could see how Sawamura curled in, close to rolling into a ball. Before he could stop him, Sawamura took in a deep breath, raising his head to look at Miyuki straight in the eye. Miyuki couldn’t protect himself from the look that slowly dragged him back in. “No matter what happens, I will always admire how Miyuki Kazuya plays baseball.” Miyuki could feel a finger poke against his chest, hoping Sawamura wouldn’t feel how hard and heavy his heart was beating. “Ever since I first met you, you made me realize how pitches can be a work of art. Every move you make on the field is just like that.”

            Sawamura Eijun has just thrown to him a simple ball, one that was as clear as day. And Miyuki missed it. He missed having Sawamura take away his breath like this.

            He missed Sawamura begging for praise on his latest new pitch.

            He missed how it felt having Sawamura’s arms wrapped around his waist when he came home from a long day.

            He longed for Sawamura to smile at him when he returned to the dugout after a home run, struggling to come up with a decent compliment.

            He longed for Sawamura to hesitantly give him a kiss when they got home, flustered over how embarrassing it was.

            He wanted to hold Sawamura.

            All he wanted was Sawamura as he reached out with his right hand towards the hand that hovered near his chest.

            The warmth was still there. The calloused left hand, rough from gripping baseballs too tightly before every pitch was so familiar Miyuki couldn’t help but feel this was home. He could only admire what was in his hand, even if it would only be there for a moment.

            It never pulled away. Miyuki wished it wouldn’t and it didn’t. But he knew they couldn’t stay like this. He knew with every passing second he was getting a step closer to saying goodbye again, leaving them both with the awkward distance that Miyuki could never climb over.

            This was his only chance.

            “I…” He could only gasp the word out, barely clutching onto the air around them as he looked closer at the hand he held in his own. Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes for less than a second, trying to figure himself out. He knew this was the only opportunity he had but it didn’t make it any easier to say it. His stomach was twisting and turning inside him as sweat began to cover his palms. He could feel his legs quivering in their spot. There was no one around yet he felt like the world was staring. He felt every cell, molecule, atom inside him on the verge of exploding, leaving him perished only to dissipate into the air. To keep that fear away, he could only grip even tighter on the boy’s hand. “I want…”

He looked up frantically, wanting to find guidance in Sawamura. Yet all he saw was fear, worry, anxiety, every single thought Miyuki used to have. The ace who shone with confidence was reflecting those emotions right back at him. His breath got caught, tangled up inside his chest.

            Sawamura was going to run.

            He would run away in a full sprint, faster than he had ever been with his tire.

            But just for a moment, Miyuki prayed that if he gave chase, he’d be able to catch him.

            “I want to be with you.”

            He pursed his lips together, regardless of the expression returned to him. Miyuki didn’t expect anything from Sawamura.

            That was a lie. He was expecting many things.

            But he knew from the start none of it would happen.

            All he could feel was Sawamura’s hand slowly slip out of his own. He wanted to grab it back, even if it was by the wrist. Curling his fingers into Sawamura’s was something Miyuki could only dream of even though it used to be his everyday life.

            He couldn’t look down at the distance slowly spreading from their hands.

            He could only look at Sawamura who tried to say a hesitant sorry before the train announcer interrupted them. The husky voice over the voice system mentioned the stop close to Kuramochi’s house as they felt the doors on the other side of the train open.

            Time was up.

            The game was set.

            Sawamura was walking away. He was taking every step away from Miyuki and towards a new home. A new life without him in it. Miyuki turned away, unable to even look at Sawamura’s distant back. He leaned his head against the shut doors while Sawamura walked to the other door leading to the train platform.

            Miyuki was stuck here, with feelings blocked off.

            But it was better than not realizing where he was.

            He still loved Sawamura. He could feel heat behind his eyes, noticing his shoes getting blurry by the second. He didn’t dare to blink, holding himself back.

            Being with Sawamura was painful. That’s why he didn’t chase after him that night. That’s why he didn’t stop him when he came to get his stuff from their apartment. That’s why he never wanted to confess in the first place. That’s why he never wanted to give away his heart and love, because he knew the moment they left his grasp and couldn’t come back, it would leave him more broken, lonelier than before he knew what love was.

            He loved his mom. When she died, he ended up losing both her and his dad.

            With every day he loved Sawamura, the paranoia grew inside him. He was scared of the pain knowing one day it would all end in circumstances Miyuki could not control. He couldn’t bear the responsibility of hurting Sawamura in order to solve his own issues. He just wanted to run away from it all. He wanted to avoid it, ignore the things he didn’t like.

            He could do that with other players.

            He could do that with mean comments from coaches.

            He could do that with scores that reflected how poorly his team was doing.

            Yet the moment he did that with Sawamura, the moment he pushed and ran away from him, he was left emptier than before.

            He was left knowing what love was. He was left knowing what it felt having Sawamura’s love.

            He was left knowing the pain of losing it all even though he was still there, still nearby.

            He could only feel regret at his inability to get it back. To restart the game and offer his love to Sawamura again.

            Sawamura didn’t want it. And he had every damn right to refuse it.

            And Miyuki could only follow his instincts, could only cry silently while leaning his head onto his right arm. The cool air against the window glass felt nice against his arm. The cold could help stop his tears right? Tears that he hadn’t shed since he first lost his mother finally came out, his body and spirit giving up and reluctantly embracing all the pain that resided in every single cell.

            Every single part of him cried out for Sawamura as he could only silently sob in public. It was childish, out of character. But just for a moment, couldn’t Miyuki Kazuya dream of just letting all the pain out, disregarding everything that he is to mourn for his lost love?

            He didn’t care if someone was there behind him, clearly staring at him. He didn’t give a damn because Sawamura was not with him, was not in his arms, was not in love with him. ‘I wish he was here.’ Miyuki could only think of Sawamura Eijun, who would cradle him gently in his arms, whisper sweet nothings as Miyuki cried. It never happened when they were together but Miyuki couldn’t help but fantasize about being spoiled by Sawamura. He couldn’t help but wish Sawamura could come and whisk his tears away.

            When someone leaned their head against his back, Miyuki could only open his eyes, feeling the tears stop for only a single second. Instead of the cold air around them, it was the warmth seeping from that person that helped the tears stop even longer than a second, until Miyuki was just left frozen, confused, with tears still fogging his vision but unable to leave.  

            It was familiar, gentle, and felt like the sun peeking out of the clouds, slowly shining after a rainy day.

            “Miyuki-senpai.” The low timber in his voice, the way his name sounded told Miyuki that there was only one possibility who this mysterious person was.

            That maybe his fantasies really could come true.

            He could only chuckle, sure he must be hallucinating at this point. The train was already moving ahead, doors shut quite a while ago.

            “Sawamura, did you forget to get off?”

            “No.” A reply. It was real. Miyuki could only tread carefully, worried to break the delicate balance between them even if the train was moving faster than they liked.

            “This is the last train you know. How are you going to get home?”

            “It’s fine.” Sawamura pushed his head even harder against Miyuki’s back, leaving him to wonder if Sawamura just wanted to attach himself to his back. “Miyuki-senpai?”

            “What is it, Sawamura?” Miyuki lifted his head from his arm, trying to get even closer to Sawamura if it was possible. He felt the back of his head brush gently across Eijun’s bangs. He wanted to keep feeling him near him. Even if he couldn’t see him, if he could feel him…

            “Why are you crying?”

            “Because I love you. And I pushed you away and I regret it and I hate myself for it.” Miyuki didn’t miss a single beat. Whatever limits that shackled Miyuki these past two months have flown off into the wind. He didn’t care anymore. He wasn’t getting Sawamura back so he might as well be honest with it until the end.

            Arms lace around him from behind, and he noticed hands interlock right in front of him. It was tight inside him, noticing how his breaths were getting shorter under the realization that Sawamura Eijun was holding him.

            Sawamura Eijun was with him at this moment.

            Miyuki Kazuya had never been so grateful in his life. He had never felt so hopeful. He couldn’t care if this would leave him with the most amount of despair when Sawamura gently breaks it to him that they could never be together again. Feeling Sawamura again around him, having Sawamura be his air was something he longed for.

            “Say it again.”

            “What?” Miyuki tried turning around, but noticed how tight Sawamura’s arms were around him. He could only turn his head slightly but it didn’t change his vision. It still didn’t let him see Sawamura. “That I’m an idiot?”

            “Although it would be nice to see the famous catcher admit he is an idiot, that’s not what I want.” Sawamura grumbled the words out, his mouth clearly pressed against his Miyuki’s upper back. Miyuki could only smile in return, feeling himself go warm. He hasn’t smiled like this in a long time and he knows why.

            “That I love you?” Arms tighten around him and he could feel Sawamura’s head move into a slight nod before finding its’ place again. “I love you, Sawamura Eijun.”

            “…Isn’t it painful?”

            “Hm?”

            “To be with me?” He hasn’t heard Sawamura use this kind of tone in a long time. He heard that tone when Miyuki finally said goodbye to him during his graduation. The sound was fear, worry that he was not worthy. It was the pitch Eijun made when he wasn’t given the ace number. It was the tears Sawamura shed when he was ridden with guilt for a faulty pitch. It was when Sawamura felt inadequate, useless, unloved. It was when Miyuki threw Sawamura away that night.

            “It’s scary to be in love.” Miyuki could not believe the cliché words coming out of his mouth. It sounded like the garbage characters would say inside Sawamura’s beloved shojo manga collection. ‘Fuck it, I’ll be the prince if I have to.’ “You end up lonely, anxious and lost on what to do. If I say this, how would that affect you? Would it make you smile? Would it make you cry?”

“If I told you how I feel, when I felt insecure and upset, I was scared you’d blame yourself. I didn’t want to hurt you like that. So I locked it all up. I thought it would be better to stay silent and just run away. Just push you away and avoid you.”

Miyuki gently placed his hands on top of Sawamura’s. The lack of resistance left Miyuki with a small smile to himself as he squeezed the two hands.

 “But in the end, all I’ve done these past two months is think about how wrong it is to not have you beside me. Sawamura, I don’t like going through the pain that comes with being in love. I don’t like the fact it causes me to act like a six year old scared of things out of my control. Yet losing you, not being with you is the worst thing that I have ever been through in my life.”

            Miyuki had to take a moment to catch his breath. He had never talked for this long, unwinding all his emotions into one long speech that overpowered whatever interjections Sawamura wanted to make.

            “Miyuki-senpai.”

            “I feel like if it’s with you, I could overcome it. This is lame for me to say but I feel like I could turn that pain into strength.” He tilted his head back, the back of his head meeting the top of Sawamura’s. Even here he could feel Sawamura’s warmth, radiance glowing below him. “I want to try again. I want to be with you again.”

            “M-Miyuki-senpai.” He could hear his name turn into blubbering, finally noticing how wet his back was feeling.

            “Oi oi, why are you crying now?” Miyuki was exasperated, shocked Sawamura was even crying. He was expecting Sawamura to just bolt out on him and never see him again.

           “I love you, that’s why!” Sawamura’s shout behind him could have shattered Miyuki’s eardrums. If there were other people in here, he would probably break their eardrums too. But those words, that one sentence traced out of the pitcher’s lips were leaving Miyuki’s heart skipping too many beats.

            “Sawamura, if this is your way of making a joke- OUCH!” He felt for a moment Sawamura lean away from him, only to come back at full force, pushing them both forward against the door.

            “MIYUKI KAZUYA, DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD JOKE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?” The arms that grabbed onto Miyuki in a vice had finally released him. He realized how painful his ribs were actually feeling now that he could feel again. Turning around, he noticed Sawamura leaning up and took in how his eyes were way closer than expected.

            “You… Do you realize what you’re saying?” Miyuki could feel a vein pop. Miyuki broke his heart and yet he was still coming back to him after he was an absolute asshole? Miyuki didn’t dare believe Sawamura was stupid enough to get together with him after all that he did.

            “Why don’t you trust me!?”

            “Because there’s nothing good with being me!”

            “Why is the famous captain, catcher, and clean-up from Seidou talking crap about himself!?”

            “Because that famous guy is crap!”

            “AHH, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” Feeling a tug on his collar that he’s experienced way too much during high school, he felt himself be pulled down by a centimeter. As he went down, he noticed how close Sawamura’s face was to his own. He noticed eyes shut and brow furrowed. He noticed cheeks going red with every single second. He noticed something against his lips.

            He realized it was a warmth he hasn’t felt in over two months.

            He understood it was Sawamura’s lips against his own.

            Yet he couldn’t relax at the fact that he was kissing Sawamura again.

           5 seconds. It lasted for 5 seconds. Miyuki couldn’t help but feel ashamed of how he was counting. Yet when Sawamura tried pulling apart, he grabbed the boy’s cheeks in both hands, pulling Sawamura back up again.

            Sure, he was ashamed of counting.

            But he didn’t mind making the count longer.

            He pushed his lips closer to Sawamura, desperate to seek out the warmth he hadn’t felt in so long. He slipped his right hand down, tracing it around the small of his back. He held Sawamura even closer, begging to enter. He could feel Sawamura gasp from being pulled closer, finally finding the chance. He licked his way into Sawamura’s mouth, feeling the younger boy jump in his spot from the sudden touch. He searched for his tongue, finding it and trying to remember with all his senses what it was like. His left hand had shifted at this point to the back of the pitcher’s head, gently tugging on the boy’s hair. He wanted to smell the soft strands, inhale every bit of shampoo the pitcher used now, but couldn’t bear to separate from their kiss. He slowly slipped out, only to nibble on Sawamura’s lower lip gently.

            As he pulled away, he realized how hard he was panting, shaky breaths  coming out of the both of them. His eyes were blurry and he could barely see even with his glasses on. He could make out the sheet of red covering the boy’s cheeks as he looked up expectantly.

            “So.” Sawamura’s voice peeped out and Miyuki could feel the boy quiver in his arms. “Do you get it now?”

            “…Maybe we should try it one more time?”

            “Idiot!” He felt a slight chop against his head, similar to what the older Kominato did. But the hand against him was none other than Sawamura Eijun.

            The boy he loved.

            The boy who loved him.

            When he reached up and felt the left hand filled with calluses on its’ palm against his head, he couldn’t help but hold on and slowly bring it down closer to his lips. Kissing every finger and reaching for the inside, he kissed all over, ignoring the crimson red spreading on both of their faces. He kept repeating in his head this was his privilege and tried to remember every single part of Eijun with every kiss. He had left him behind once and he swore with every kiss different vows.

            A kiss on his ring finger. “I promise to talk to you from now on.”

            A kiss on his palm. “I won’t run away from you anymore.”

            A kiss on the wrist. “I won’t avoid my problems.”

            He pressed his chest up closer against Eijun, feeling the heat through their clothes. Eijun silently stared at him, unable to fathom what was happening. Miyuki didn’t care. ‘Let me make up for all the time I didn’t spend with you.’

            He left a gentle kiss on his right cheek while cupping the left cheek with his hand. Tilting his head against Eijun’s, he felt their noses bump into each other for just a second.

            “I hurt you and there’s no way I can make it up. But I promise I will always love you.”

            A pause.

            A moment.

            Miyuki hadn’t asked a question, but he still wanted a response. A sign. That his feelings would be accepted, regardless of all that’s happened. That while they couldn’t go back to what they once were, they could still learn to love again.

            “I…” Eijun’s voice peaked through the silence, ringing inside Miyuki’s ears. Miyuki could barely swallow, his heart close to leaping out of his throat. ‘Please say yes. Don’t go. Please tell me this is really happening.’

            “Sawamura-“

            “I thought I made it clear with that kiss just now!” Eijun looked directly through Miyuki, scoffing at the worries that had consume him. If he didn’t have his glasses on, Miyuki swore Eijun could have destroyed him with the burn hiding behind that shimmering golden gaze. The anxiety that had built up inside him over these past two months bubbled out with every little laugh he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t help but reassure himself that, ‘Yes, this is happening. Sawamura is letting me be with him again. He’s mine again and I’m his.’

            “Stop laughing! It feels weir-“ Miyuki didn’t care what insults Eijun threw at him. He could care less about that. All he wanted to do was feel those pink lips against his own, seeking out the warmth he felt just minutes ago. He held onto Sawamura’s cheek tightly throughout the kiss, pushing him closer against him with his other hand. ‘I’m not letting you go. Never again.’

            Minutes must have passed because Miyuki parted only out of the sheer need for oxygen. Regardless of how much he felt he only needed Eijun to live, the cruel reality of the need for oxygen stopped their kiss.

            “That…” Eijun could barely breathe out his words, clearly trying to regain his calm, regain whatever sense he had.

            “Was payback.” Miyuki chuckled under his breath as he shifted his right hand away from Eijun’s cheek, placing both hands on the small of Eijun’s back and leaning in closer. He held Eijun there, letting the rattle of train tracks lull them into silence. “Sawamura…”

            “Yeah?”

            “I… Uh…” This had to be impossible. Miyuki stumbling over his own words. He couldn’t understand all the things that had happened today. It was as if every single minute with Eijun broke down his cool and charming façade, leaving him as a child crying over his favourite candy. Gripping just a little tighter, feeling the warmth that was Sawamura Eijun in his arms, he took a small breath. Shifting his head slightly so his mouth would be closer to Eijun’s ear, he mouthed the words so quiet that even Eijun could miss it. “Please come home.”

            He felt something shift in his arms, felt Eijun’s shoulders rise even while being held in Miyuki’s arms. Eijun’s arms laced against Miyuki’s own back, pulling them so close he thought he would be crushed.

            Eijun quickly pulled them apart, and Miyuki could swear he heard a whimper come out of his own throat. Luckily Eijun didn’t notice, but the wide grin plastered over his face made Miyuki doubt himself.

            “Miyuki Kazuya!” His eyes were closed but even then he shone brightly, blinding Miyuki.

            “What is it?” Miyuki couldn’t help but smile along, his arms still loosely around Eijun. Eijun opened his eyes and Miyuki felt entranced by the gold light shining in front of him.

            “I have returned!”