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Atsushi has never been one for affection ever since his time at the orphanage. To him, affection means hurt. The soft touch of a hand soon turns into the quick bite of pain and since then, touches make him flinch, make him think he’s done something wrong. They make him anxious and he’ll wonder if he’ll feel the bite of pain again.
Yet with Dazai, everything is different. But isn’t it always with that man?
Dazai makes touch better again. He makes it feel special and comforting. He doesn’t know how the man did it, but he’s glad.
Now when people touch him, he doesn’t flinch. He knows when a touch will be gentle and when it’ll be rough. Atsushi is proud of the person he’s grown into over the years, but there are still days where he feels worthless and there’s nothing Dazai or anyone else can do to make him feel great again. Today is one of those days.
The feeling is worse only because it’s raining. Rainy days bring back all the memories he tries his best to forget. He tries so hard to stop the memories of the orphanage and any other time he had been treated like shit, but little bits and pieces end up falling through the cracks.
Sometimes it’s just visions or it’s just voices. Today it’s just the voices, but that doesn’t make it easier.
The voices still cut into him, tearing him apart, making him feel like he’s nothing. He closes his eyes tight, trying to focus on the sounds of his friends’ voices but the orphanage’s voice is louder. All he can do is be sucked in as the voices scream at him.
They tell him he’s worthless and there’s no room for him anymore, all of which Atsushi agrees with, even if he knows he shouldn’t.
He wishes that Dazai were here because just one touch from him and the voices will stop, and the memories of all the times he has been treated unfairly will vanish.
But he’s not. He’s out investigating some suspicious activity and Atsushi knows he won’t be home until late.
“Atsushi?” Kunikida asks softly, startling him out of his daze. “Is everything all right? You’ve been staring at the window for the past twenty minutes.”
“Oh.” He didn’t even realize he’d been in his own head for that long. “Sorry.”
“Why don’t you go home? Dazai will most likely be back soon, but you look like you could use a nap or two.”
It’s a joke, but Atsushi can’t find it in himself to laugh–not while the voices are still yelling at him. “Thank you.”
He gets up out of his chair, waving at his team goodbye before finally leaving. Maybe all of the memories and voices will stop if he sleeps. At least, he hopes they’ll stop.
--
They don’t stop, even though he’s trying his best to fall asleep in his cocoon of blankets, he can’t do it. Instead, his body is turned to face the window as he watches the rain slide down the glass, letting the memories take over his mind little by little.
“Atsushi?”
He doesn’t bother to respond, not when he feels the bed dip next to him.
“Kunikada said you went home early when I swung by the office to come and get you.” There’s an unspoken question hanging in the air between them and Atsushi waits for his lover to ask it, but the question never comes. Then again, Dazai doesn’t really have to ask. “Is it the voices or the memories?”
The difference between everyone else and Dazai is that Dazai already knows what’s wrong. There’s only a few things that can get him in a slump, and only one thing that can shove him so far down into the darkness, he feels like he’s drowning in it.
“A mixture of both.” Atsushi tries not to wince at the sound of his own voice, but it sounds so small and pathetic to his ears.
“Atsushi, can you look at me?”
It’s an effort to even more but he manages to roll over to look at his boyfriend. Dazai’s face looks blank but they’ve been together long enough for him to know there’s worry etched into the fine lines.
“I’m fine,” he begins, but Dazai cuts him off immediately.
“It’s okay to not be fine, Atsushi.”
The words are like a punch to his gut and he’s having a hard time remembering how to breathe. How can Dazai just say that? He knows that occasionally Atsushi has to miss work because he’s sinking so far back that he’s not sure if he’ll ever really crawl out.
“It’s okay to break apart and grieve, but can I tell you a little secret? You’re not alone. You have a whole team who’s worried about you, even that little shit Rampo. And you have me. So, take your time to break apart but just know that I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.”
Atsushi is still trying to figure out how to breathe, but the constriction in his chest isn’t letting up. He thinks that maybe he’ll begin to suffocate if it doesn’t let up soon and there are tears that prick at the corners of his eyes.
But then Dazai is touching him, touching his hair, his face, his neck—every inch of bare skin that is visible his fingertips touch and it’s enough to calm him. It’s enough to ease the heavy feeling in his chest, but not enough to erase his tears.
They slide down his cheeks but none of them move to wipe them away.
“Hey, Atsushi, can I try to put you back together again?”
He doesn’t know if Dazai can—if anyone can—but it’s a distraction from his thoughts and that’s exactly what he needs right now.
“Please.”
“That’s not a yes or a no.
“Yes, Dazai. You can try and put me back together again.”
Dazai studies him for a few more moments before reaching his hands out to move the blankets Atsushi has layered himself in. He doesn’t give any resistance, but that doesn’t stop the shiver from working its way up his spine as the air hits his heated face.
“Tonight is going to be all about you. I don’t want you to worry about making me come. Are you okay with that, Atsushi?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Dazai leans down to kiss him, nimble fingers already working to unbutton his shirt. Luckily for his boyfriend, that’s all he wore to bed. His pants had been the only thing he could get off before fatigue tugged him further toward the bed.
Except it seems that Dazai’s touch has a healing power. Feeling Dazai’s hands on his skin makes him feel alive; makes him feel like he’s worth something again. It doesn’t take sex to put him back together again, something that Dazai is fully aware of, but it seems that they both need this close contact even if for different reasons.
The kiss is slow and sweet, no sense of urgency behind it. Dazai is planning on taking his time, but Atsushi can’t say he’s complaining. While having his boyfriend fuck him into the mattress would definitely make him forget about his day, there’s just something about taking it slow that makes it all better.
Maybe it’s the praise that slips from Dazai’s mouth that makes him feel like maybe everything will be all right, or maybe it’s the soft but firm touches to his skin. He can’t tell, but for now he lets himself melt into Dazai’s mouth. Dazai slips his shirt over his shoulder, only pulling back from his mouth enough to slip it off completely.
It feels weird to be the only one completely naked; the only one who’s vulnerable, and he opens his mouth to say something about it but nothing comes out. His mouth feels like it has gone completely dry and it’s all Dazai’s fault.
The look his lover is giving him makes his cheeks flare up with heat. There’s nothing but love and adoration in those warm brown eyes, a side that only Atsushi gets to see. He tries to close his legs, wanting to be as small as possible, but Dazai grabs his knees and moves so that he’s in between them.
“You’re beautiful,” Dazai murmurs, leaning down to pepper his jaw with soft kisses. “Please don’t try to hide from me.”
Atsushi can’t help it. He has never viewed himself as beautiful before and even though Dazai has said the compliment over and over before, he still can’t wrap his head around it. It’ll take a while more before he’s ready to really believe him.
He doesn’t say anything, just lets Dazai’s mouth move towards his neck where he peppers every inch with kisses. He can’t help the tiny giggle that slips past his mouth when Dazai’s lips pass over a particular sensitive spot. Atsushi can feel his lover’s lips curl against his neck and while he should scold him for laughing, he’s glad Dazai is smiling too.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispers again against Atsushi’s skin, lips traveling down to his right shoulder and his arm. “I’m glad that you’re here with me.”
The words make him melt. It’s not often that Dazai is mushy, especially out in public where it’s nothing but smartass comments, but there are days where he will do nothing but make Atsushi feel special.
“Can I kiss every part of your body?”
The most surprising thing Atsushi found out about Dazai when they first started dating had been the fact that he asks permission for everything, even little things like hugs. Atsushi figured with the way Dazai acted all the time he would just take the mile when he gave the man an inch, but he didn’t. When he says ‘no’ Dazai doesn’t push the issue and he makes sure to do something else that Atsushi is okay with.
It makes Atsushi love him even more.
“Yes.”
It’s weird how such a little word can hold so much power. How saying ‘yes’ can make those lips travel down his entire body, passing over his arms and chest, even his legs, and almost embarrassingly enough, his feet. His kisses are so soft and gentle, Atsushi continues to let those lips roam, trying to keep his hips still.
There’s only a handful of times that Atsushi can say that he felt like he mattered to someone—to anyone; there’s only a handful of memories where he truly felt joy in his life and felt like he had been loved. That is, of course, until he met Dazai.
When he first met Dazai, he thought that there would be no possible way that the two of them would ever become close. Why would he want to become close to someone who thinks every object could someone help him commit the perfect suicide? Turned out that’s exactly what Atsushi needed. He needed someone to distract him from his mind, from all the memories and voices, and Dazai had been the perfect person for that. He still is the perfect person for that.
He knows when Atsushi is down on himself and he knows how to stop that. He knows how to put him back together when the time calls for it and—
The click of a bottle being opened snaps him out of his thoughts and his eyes immediately focus on the gel that coats Dazai’s fingers. He didn’t realize he’d been out of it, but now his body is very aware of the situation.
“Is this all right?” Dazai asks.
“Yes,” he whimpers. “Of course it’s okay.”
Atsushi tries his best to stay relaxed as Dazai’s finger circles around his entrance, pushing it in as gently as he can. It’s a tight fit but he doesn’t mind the slight burn he feels from the stretch.
“Are you going to fuck me with your clothes on?” Atsushi moans out as his lover’s finger starts to move.
“I think the correct term for this moment would be making love.”
Even while he’s trying to be sweet, Dazai is still insufferable.
“Fine, are you-ah!-going to make love to me with your clothes on?”
It seems that his body has relaxed enough for Dazai to slip another finger in, his lover curling them just right to make his back arch off the mattress.
“I already told you,” Dazai says as he leans down to press open mouthed kisses to his chest. “Tonight isn’t about me. It’s all about you. I’m not going to worry that I’m hard right now and neither should you.”
How can he not worry when he can feel how hard Dazai is against his thigh? It must be pretty painful for him to have his cock restrained in those tight jeans.
“Wait, stop.”
Dazai stills and looks over Atsushi’s body to see if he’s hurt at all. He pulls his hand away and there’s nothing he can do to cover up the slight wince the move produces.
“Is everything all right?” He sounds so worried and Atsushi instantly feels guilty for making him feel that way, but he needs Dazai to come. He doesn’t like to see his boyfriend in pain either.
“Everything is fine. I just have an idea that I think both of us will enjoy. Here, lie down in my spot.” Atsushi doesn’t wait for Dazai to say anything, just sits up and maneuvers so he can push him down on the mattress. “I know you said that you don’t want me to worry about you and that this night is all about me, but if I have to feel your cock rub against my thigh one more time I will go insane.”
Without another word, Atsushi positions himself so his legs are straddling Dazai’s neck. His height may be a problem for his lover, but Atsushi is at the best angle to suck his cock, which is all that really matters to him.
“You’re always so thoughtful.”
The praise has heat spreading through his body and he’s suddenly very grateful that he’s turned away from Dazai’s face, especially when the man runs his hands up the backs of his thighs, tugging on them until Atsushi gets the message to spread them a little further.
“So beautiful,” Dazai whispers, his lips feeling like an inferno on his skin. To distract himself from wanting to deny those words, Atsushi moves his own hands to unzip Dazai’s pants. On this part of him there are no bandages, something that he’s grateful for. It makes taking him in his mouth a lot easier.
Dazai’s fingers dig into his thighs and Atsushi swears he can hear him almost choke on his spit, but then his fingers leave their spot, and he lets out a whimper when he feels them slip inside him again. Dazai’s other hand wraps around his cock and the sensation is almost too overwhelming. He tries to focus on sucking Dazai’s cock but it’s hard when those slender fingers brush against his prostrate and keeps knocking against it until he starts to move his hips to get more friction.
“Dazai,” he whines, releasing his cock with an audible pop. “Stop teasing me. That’s not fair.”
Dazai chooses at that moment to curl his fingers right against his prostate while swiping his thumb over his slit, making his body jerk and his vision go blurry.
“Did you like that?” Dazai tries to ask like he’s actually concerned about his wellbeing, but Atsushi can hear how smug the man sounds. “Well then, I bet you’re going to like this even more.”
Before Atsushi can question Dazai, the man’s fingers are slipping out of him and his arms are hooking around his thighs. He’s tugged back far enough to where he’s sitting on the man’s face, but all he has time to do is squeak before Dazai’s tongue is swiping over his hole.
“What the hell? Dazai, this isn’t fair either.”
Dazai doesn’t let go of him and he’s far too short to suck his boyfriend’s cock, so all he can do is squirm.
He can feel the tip of Dazai’s tongue slip past his entrance and his back arches at the intensity of it. Atsushi feels like he’s been struck by lightning and he tries to scoot away from Dazai’ mouth but his boyfriend just holds on tighter. His hips start to move on their own accord, basically fucking himself on Dazai’s tongue. He can at least wrap his hands around his lover’s cock, swiping his thumb over the leaking slit and trying to give Dazai everything he’s giving to him in return.
He can feel his orgasm building with every move of Dazai’s tongue, hips moving almost involuntarily now. His tongue doesn’t quite reach his prostate like his fingers, but it still creates intense pleasure for him and can make him come just as hard.
His boyfriend is moaning beneath him as he slides his hands over his cock, the vibrations from the noise slipping up his spine. The whole thing is obscene and he knows that if anyone came to their house looking for them, they would be greeted by all the not so quiet noises slipping from both of their mouths.
“Oh, fuck—Dazai, I’m so close.”
Dazai responds by shoving his tongue in deeper and it has Atsushi wondering if there really is a God because damn, that tongue is nothing short of a miracle. He almost feels bad for clamping down around his boyfriend’s tongue, but his orgasm comes so quick that he barely has time to register that it’s happening.
“Jesus Christ, Dazai. It’s not fair what you do to me,” Atsushi breathes out, hands still working over Dazai’s cock and body jerking from the lasting effects of the orgasm.
“I can say the same for you,” Dazai answers as his tongue slips out of his hole. “You don’t have to finish me off, you know. I don’t mind.”
Atsushi doesn’t listen, letting himself fall forward now that his lover has loosened his grip on his thighs. He takes Dazai’s cock as far as he can go, trying his best not to choke as his lover bucks his hips into his mouth.
“Holy fuck—”
And just like that Dazai is coming in his mouth and Atsushi makes sure to catch every single, loving the taste that coats his tongue.
“You’re amazing,” Dazai breathes, and that gives Atsushi enough energy to move. He fits himself along Dazai’s body even though his body feels like fire.
“I think that applies to you as well. Thank you, Dazai.” Dazai just hums in response, running his slender fingers through Atsushi’s hair. “Thank you for always putting me back together again.”
Outside, the sky is starting to clear up, the sun beginning to peak through the clouds, and Atsushi knows that come tomorrow morning, everything will be just fine.