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“I bet she’s out in the kitchen,” Cloud’s own voice came through the speaker of his phone. The screen was dark. He could hear some rustling and knew he was throwing blankets off of himself. He remembered that night, just four months ago.
He recorded everything from the moment they learned that she was pregnant. He wanted to record everything that he could to share with their child. Their daughter.
“Yup, I heard something.” His voice was lighthearted as he tried to hide some laughter.
Cloud shifted a bit on the bed and adjusted his grip on the phone as he stared at the screen. This is all he’d done for the past two days. This was all he could do. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything else.
“What’re you doing out here?” He asked in the video, causing Tifa to jump, obviously startled.
“You were sleeping.” She scolded him. Tifa turned around to look at him as she licked something that looked like chocolate from the corner of her mouth. “You’re recording me? Cloud, stop!”
Her laughter filled the room then. Cloud’s eyes stayed glued to the screen, barely blinking as he moved closer to her in the video. Eventually, her smiling face was all he saw and he couldn’t stop himself from touching the screen to pause the video. Just for a moment.
Her eyes were partially shut, her face was blurred a bit because she was throwing it back to laugh. The screen barely showed one of her fingers that she was guiding to her mouth to lick off the chocolate from it.
Breathing out a heavy sigh, he touched the screen again and let the video continue to play. “Yes, I’m recording you.”
“Why?”
“Because nobody would believe the things you’re eating without proof.” He echoed his own words from the video. He’d been right. Nobody believed him when he told them she was eating chocolate covered chips. “What are you eating anyway?” His voice carried from the phone again.
“Chocolate.” She dipped a potato chip into the container of chocolate syrup and offered it to him. The camera view backed away from her a bit. “Want some?”
“Not with chips.” Cloud muttered along with the video again.
“But it’s so good.” Tifa moved closer to the screen, arm still extended with the chocolate covered chip.
It was Cloud’s turn to laugh in the video. “I’m sure, you enjoy though.” He whispered out loud.
“Try it once? For me?” Tifa popped the chip into her mouth then and laughed when he grabbed her hand. “What are you–” Her voice faded away and her eyes locked with his, looking off screen. Then she hummed.
Cloud had pulled her fingers up to his mouth to lick the excess chocolate off of two of her digits.
“Turn the camera o–”
He did. The video ended abruptly and Cloud knew his device ended up being tossed to the countertop that night.
“Cloud! Where ya at?”
He heard the familiar voice echo through the home from the living room but ignored it, as he had for the past two days. His eyes stayed locked on his phone as the next video started playing.
“Are you gonna record everything?” Tifa’s voice carried from the device, soon followed by a laugh.
“Damn right I am. We’re having a baby! I wanna show them all this.” He moved closer to where she was seated on their sofa and sat beside her. The phone angled down to look at the book she was reading. “What’s that?”
“A book.” She giggled softly and shifted so she could stretch her legs out across his lap. The camera panned back up to her face then. She opened her mouth to speak before her face scrunched up a bit.
“What’s wrong?” Cloud’s panicked voice came through.
“Cloud?”
Again, he ignored it. He knew who it was. He just wanted to be left alone.
“Nothing’s wrong. They’re moving.” She put the book beside her and rested her hand on her stomach.
Cloud’s hand came into view then as he rested it near his wife’s on her stomach. “They are?” He asked.
She hummed her acknowledgement and gently took his hand to move it along her stomach until she placed it right where their baby was kicking. “Right there, just wait for it.”
“Cloud?” The voice came through again, this time coupled with the bedroom door opening. “You gettin’ out of bed today, man?”
Cloud’s eyes remained locked on the screen in front of him. He heard Barret’s heavy footsteps move across the bedroom, but continued to ignore it. He didn’t want to get up. He only got up when he had to. It was easier.
“Oh wow… was that…” His voice came through suddenly and Cloud felt another intense pressure in his chest. His eyes looked towards his free hand then. He remembered what it felt like. He remembered what their baby felt like when she was kicking. It always fascinated him and he couldn’t get enough of feeling it.
All the way up until Tifa went into labor.
“You gotta eat somethin’ today.”
“I’m not hungry,” he muttered so softly that he wasn’t sure Barret even heard him.
Cloud kept his eyes on the phone and let it continue playing. He appeared on the screen. It was a video that Tifa had taken of him. “And here’s daddy being a stubborn pain in my butt.” Tifa’s voice caused him to smile just softly.
He missed hearing her voice.
“Cloud, you gotta get up.” Barret tried again, now hovering beside the bed.
“No.”
“I told you I got it.” He reached out and picked up the instructions again. “Besides, if you sit down you won’t be able to get back up.”
The video panned down, showing Tifa’s heavily pregnant stomach before she pointed it back at him. “I will be able to get back up. You’ll help me.”
He looked towards the camera and smiled at her. “I will, of course I will. But you won’t be comfortable down here.” He looked back at the instructions before he surveyed the pieces of the crib that were laid out on the floor in front of him. “How about this, you can hand me stuff… if you can reach it.” He pointed towards one of the long flat pieces. “Can you even reach that to hand it to me?”
“You’re such an asshole sometimes.” She said while laughing. The view moved down to the piece that he was referring to and she tried to bend down to get it. She really did try. After two attempts, Tifa let out a huff and stood back upright. “Okay, fine. I’ll just sit and watch you.”
“That’s what I thought.” He started laughing. His eyes tracked her as she moved around him and sat down on the chair in the corner of the room. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Tifa angled the phone down to her stomach for a moment and her hand moved along it. Then she panned around the room that they’d converted into a nursery. The only thing left to put together was the crib.
Then the video stopped and it changed to pictures then. “Cloud, I’m gonna make ya some food, okay?”
He wasn’t hungry. Barret could do whatever he wanted, he didn’t care. The man saw a low battery warning flash at the top of his screen and simply shifted in bed so he could grab the cable to plug it in.
There was no reason to get up anymore. There was no reason to eat anymore.
He was alone now.
“How are they?” Cloud’s head popped up when he saw the doctor coming in his direction. He started to stand up but the doctor shook his head.
“Please…” He motioned for him to remain seated before he sat down beside him. “I’m so very sorry, Mr. Strife.” The doctor started and Cloud suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. “We did everything that we could for both of them.”
Cloud’s eyes shot open and he bolted upright in bed. His heart raced in his chest.
“We did everything that we could…”
The words played on repeat in his head. The worst words he’d ever heard in his life.
“Cloud, are you okay?”
“No,” he responded automatically to the familiar voice. But when he looked towards it, expecting to see Tifa, he saw nothing. She wasn’t there.
His hands came up, balled into fists to press against the sides of his head. He could still hear her. She wasn’t there.
She’d never be there again.
She was gone.
Their daughter was gone.
He was alone.
“It’s gonna be okay.”
His eyes clenched shut. Tears he’d been holding in for days now finally threatened to break free. “Leave me alone! You left me!” He suddenly screamed at the voice that was now haunting him. The voice of the only person he ever truly loved.
He wanted nothing more than to see her face attached to the voice. Nothing. He was alone in the room. The quiet room in the quiet home atop the quiet bar. Everything was too quiet now.
He should be hearing the sounds of a newborn crying. He should be hearing his wife sleeping peacefully beside him. He should hear people moving around the home. He should hear people jolly and cheerful in the bar below.
Silence.
Pressing harder into the sides of his head, Cloud finally registered the pain that his knuckles were causing. Just to feel something. Something other than emptiness.
Slowly, each of his fists twisted, driving his knuckles further into his head. Something, anything to push the ghostly voices out of his head
“You’re hurting yourself, Cloud please stop.”
“No.” He whispered. “No, no, no, no!” He yelled out. He flung the blanket off of his body and climbed out of bed. The man trudged across the bedroom and flipped the light on, ensuring the room was actually empty.
It was.
It wasn’t some horrible dream that he had out of fear of his wife and their daughter.
It was a nightmare.
A nightmare that came true.
His shoulders slumped. His eyes fell to the floor as he stood there. He couldn’t process any of this. She was there. They were having dinner tonight. Then they were on their way to the hospital because Tifa went into labor. Right on time. Their daughter had been due any day.
Thursday, a little after 6, Tifa went into labor. Everything was normal, or so they thought. They got to the hospital where the doctor checked her out and they saw the baby was breached. They had to take her in for a c-section.
Cloud slowly walked out of the bedroom, dragging his feet under him as he went down the hallway and into the living room. He looked right at the book she’d been reading. It still sat on the edge of the sofa, right where she left it Wednesday night when they went to bed.
They took her for a c-section. It was supposed to be the safest option for both of them. Supposed to be…
Their daughter hadn’t received enough oxygen. Her position during labor had cut off the umbilical cord and completely cut off everything to her. They’d tried, according to the doctor, for 15 minutes to bring her back, but she was gone.
While some worked on her, the others worked on Tifa, who had started to hemorrhage. They couldn’t get her to stop bleeding when they tried to remove the placenta from her uterus. She bled out on their table.
What should have been the happiest day of Cloud’s life, outside of the day Tifa agreed to marry him and their wedding day, turned into the absolute worst.
Cloud walked further into the living room. “I miss you,” he whispered to himself. There was nobody else there to hear him.
Breathing out softly, he walked towards the kitchen. Barret must have cleaned the dishes from that night. Last he remembered, the plates still sat at the table, holding half of their dinner. The pots still sat on the stove and he was pretty sure there were a few plates still sitting in the sink. But it was all empty now and he knew he didn’t do it.
He could barely stand to be in the home now, let alone near the last place they sat together before she died. He vaguely remembered Barret telling him there was some food in the fridge. The man had been nice enough to make him something earlier. He refused to eat it then because he wasn’t hungry.
He still felt like he couldn’t eat now, but he needed something. Anything. Sure enough, when he opened the door, he saw a container on the top shelf. He didn’t know what it was and he couldn’t be bothered to heat it up either. He simply grabbed it and got himself a fork before he went back down the hallway.
He stopped before he got back to the bedroom. He stopped at the door that led to the nursery. The room his daughter should be sleeping in right now. The room he hadn’t been able to go into since he came home alone. The room he’d have to go into because he still had to pick something for the baby to wear for her own funeral.
He had to pick something for Tifa too.
The funeral was in two days. They were being buried together. It had been his decision. Tifa would be cradling their daughter in the casket. It was the only thing he’d been able to decide on. He wanted them to be together to ensure that Tifa could guide their little girl to the lifestream with her.
He decided to stand in the hallway for a minute, simply staring at the room. The closed door. The space that should be full of little laughs and midnight crying right now.
Cloud decided to reach out and open the door. Walking inside slowly, he went over to the rocking chair and sat down on it. It was settled in the corner of the room. Along one side sat the crib and changing table. His eyes continued to look around the now lifeless room as he popped open the container of food. He could push through a few bites at least.
His eyes soon focused on the small dresser that sat under the window. Then the curtains above it that blocked out most of the daytime sun now.
Baby chocobos and moogles covered the fabric.
Cloud thought they were silly but Tifa insisted on them and said they were perfect for their little girl. He caved as he always did. He did anything to make Tifa happy. Whenever he got to see that smile on her face he felt like nothing would ever bring him down.
But her smile was gone. He would never have that safety net anymore. All he had left was pictures and every time he closed his eyes.
Every.
Single.
Time.
The last time he slept through the evening was the night before she went into labor.
The night before they both died.
The food that Cloud had was forgotten as he got back to his feet. The container crashed down to the floor as he approached the dresser. His hands rested on the top of it. Just inside, it was full of clothing for their daughter. Tiny onesies. Little shirts and pants. Even a few dresses were in the drawers.
His fingers slowly moved along the top of the wood then down to open the second drawer. Her dresses. Cloud felt like he couldn't breathe all over again. It was the first time he'd looked in here since they put these clothes away.
But he needed to.
He had to pick a dress for their daughter to be buried in.
"I can't do this…" he muttered.
The man's eyes clenched shut as he forced himself to take a step back. He needed out of this room. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be alone.
Turning towards the door with the intent to leave, he stopped again. Cloud's eyes landed on a framed sonogram picture that was hanging right near the door. He was the one that insisted on hanging it. He wanted it there. And now he couldn't stop staring at it.
Proof that his daughter existed, but it would be the only picture he'd ever have of her.
Reaching out, he plucked the frame off of the wall and stared at the grainy picture of the little girl's face. He liked to envision that she would have had his hair and her eyes. Slowly, his fingers traced along the glass that protected the picture.
His little girl.
Slowly, his head tilted back to look up at the ceiling above him. He couldn't do this.
This room was dedicated to their little girl. The girl that he would never get the chance to meet.
She was gone.
Tifa was gone.
He was alone.
He dared to look around the room once more before something finally snapped. Taking care not to break the only picture he'd ever have of his daughter, he placed it atop the dresser beside him before he went over to the rocking chair in the corner.
Tifa was supposed to use that to nurse her. He was supposed to use that to gently rock her to sleep. Picking it up, he threw it across the room with a tiny grunt. The weight was nothing for him. Not when he felt so numb.
The back of the rocking chair snapped from the impact against the crib. Some of the slats along the side of the crib snapped as well. Cloud found himself fixated on the mess. He didn't need any of this stuff anymore anyway.
His daughter was never coming home.
Neither was Tifa.
Approaching the crib and chair, he picked the broken back up and smashed it against the crib, causing splinters from both to scatter around the room. One of the pieces caught his bare arm. He felt a tiny sting of pain from it. Then warmth.
Blood.
He looked down at his forearm, seeing the way it started to flow down his arm. Blood, like the way Tifa bled out giving birth.
"I can't do this!" He yelled as he continued to beat the crib and anything around him with the pieces he'd picked up from the rocking chair.
Cloud's chest hurt. He felt a weight on it stronger than anything he'd ever felt before.
It was finally hitting him.
His eyes burned. His legs gave out from under him. Cloud dropped to the floor, a crumpled mess as tears flowed freely from his eyes. The only person he'd ever loved…
His vision blurred. His eyes stung. He couldn't see straight anymore. His arm still burned from the wound. His fists pounded into the wooden floor under him repeatedly. Over and over again until his knuckles burst open.
More blood.
Maybe if he bled enough he could join—
"Cloud! You okay?"
He heard his name and it was enough to push away that encroaching thought. It wasn't the first time it started to creep in.
"Cloud? Someone called for some noise."
He picked up a piece of wood near him and threw it as hard as he could. It left a hole behind in the wall in front of him.
"Leave me alone!" He screamed back. He didn't know, nor care who it was.
In the hallway, he heard footsteps. There were two sets of them.
"Cloud, you okay?" The voice was softer, in the doorway this time.
He didn't look up. He recognized the voice. It was Ted. He knew him from the bar. He was a regular. "Leave me alone," he muttered.
"I can't do that buddy." He dared to approach the man that was on his hands and knees in the middle of the room.
"I'm not your buddy!" Cloud looked up at him, jaw clenched. Reaching out for something—anything, he swung towards the other man. It was a broken spindle from the rocking chair. The jagged edges forced the cop back. "Get away from me or it'll be the last thing you ever do."
Normally they would have jumped in to subdue. If this was any other situation, that would have been the course of action. But everybody knew what happened. Everybody knew that Tifa was gone. That she died in childbirth. Everybody knew that Cloud wasn't himself.
And nobody knew how to help.
Backing up, with his hands raised innocently, Ted gave the man the space he wanted. "Let us help you."
"Can you bring them back?" He asked bluntly. "Bring them back to me!"
Both of the men near the door fell silent.
"If you can't bring them back to me, get out!" He screamed at them. His teeth clenched as he got to his feet, spindle still in his bleeding hand.
"We can't just leave you like this, Cloud."
"You can, and you will." He didn't care. His eyes narrowed, almost daring them to try to arrest him. "Get out of my home."
That was the first time they got a look at his face. He looked so distraught and simply broken. "We'll linger nearby if you need anything." He caved. They all knew what this man was capable of. Stories of their heroism spread all around the world. Everybody knew what they could do. "Please just try to keep the noise down."
Cloud watched them go. When he heard the footsteps going down the steps, he dropped back do his knees and allowed his emotions to take over.
He was all alone.
Forever.
The funeral was beautiful. As beautiful as it could be for something so sad. Cloud had refused to have an open casket. From what Barret knew, he wouldn't be able to handle seeing Tifa like that, or seeing their child wraped securely in her arms. At first, Barret questioned why Cloud wanted that. But it was later explained to him and he understood.
He'd want the same thing.
A newborn would need the guidance to the Lifestream. Tifa would be the one to provide that guidance. Barret silently followed the other man into the bar. He knew Cloud didn't want him to linger, but he didn't care. He didn't want to leave him alone.
Not today of all days.
They were buried.
They were officially gone.
Off to return to the Lifestream.
He made sure the door was locked behind them. Not like anybody had tried to come in, but there was always a chance. Everybody around town knew what happened. All of the regulars left flowers on the porch outside of the bar. Many showed up to the funeral as well. Tifa was loved, not just by Cloud, but by everybody.
"You wanna talk?" Barret tried.
Nothing.
He didn't expect anything from the man. He and the others tried a few times throughout the day, but Cloud never said a single word. He was certain that Cloud, when alone at the casket, said something to Tifa, but nobody dared get closer to him and gave him all the time he needed with her on his own.
It was the least they could do. Whatever he said to her was private, and it was meant to stay that way.
Barret sat down on one of the stools at the counter. He simply watched as Cloud walked behind it and went right to a bottle. From where Barret was seated it looked like a whiskey bottle. Cloud never offered him a drink and that was fine.
The man opened the bottle and didn't even bother with a glass as he brought it to his lips to drink.
He didn't flinch from the burn that Barret knew hit him.
The older man wished there was something he could do.
He wished he could bring Tifa back to all of them.
Together, they sat in silence. Barret didn't want to leave him alone. Not today.
His day started like any other. He went through his usual routine, the only difference being that he actually got dressed. He chose not to stay in his sweatpants all day.
He ate a decent breakfast. He ate a decent lunch. He felt calm.
Cloud moved around the home, cleaning up some things that had fallen into disarray over the past two weeks since Tifa's sudden death. Barret, when he came over, did what he could. But the man never touched a thing in either of the bedrooms.
Cloud was thankful for that.
He still avoided his daughter's room. Ever since that night he snapped, he left, with her picture and never went back in there.
Walking down the hallway, he paused outside of the room and wondered if he should clean up before he settled.
Making his decision, he walked by the room. His next stop, his own bedroom. Where he'd been sleeping alone.
Or, lying in bed alone.
This was where he spent most of his time anymore. If he did get up, it was briefly. His bed was his solitude.
Cloud made a quick stop at his dresser, grabbing a small bottle from the top of it before he settled onto his side of the bed. His arm draped around one of Tifa's pillows. It still had the faintest smell of her shampoo on it.
Hours later, Barret unlocked the door to the bar, letting himself in. When he did, he immediately felt something was off. He couldn't put his finger on it but he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
There was no noise as he climbed the steps. That wasn't anything new. He figured Cloud would be in bed. That's where he always was.
"Cloud?"
Barret looked around the main living area. He noticed that there wasn't a single thing out of place. Cloud cleaned up. Normally, that would be a good sign, but knowing how the man had been, it made Barret feel even more uneasy.
"Cloud? Where ya at, man?"
Still nothing.
He walked through the kitchen, seeing no evidence that he'd eaten, but the towel looked damp still and there were still water droplets in the sink from dishes having been done. Barret hummed softly and started down the hallway. He started to hear talking. It was faint and he already knew what it was.
Cloud was watching videos again.
It wasn't the first time. He wished he wouldn't do that as much as he did, but he was also thankful that the man had videos of Tifa that he could watch. Whatever helped him.
"Cloud?" Barret pushed the bedroom door open and looked at him before he sighed. "Dammit, Cloud…"
The video that was playing restarted and Barret could hear the chatter between them and crashing of waves coming from the speaker. Looking at the device, that lay on the empty side of the bed, he saw it was nothing but a view of the beach. No other people in sight, just sand and ocean. With them talking in the background.
"Thanks for marrying me, Mrs. Strife."
Tifa giggled. "I'm the lucky one."
Cloud scoffed and laughed. "Maybe we should move here, see this every day."
"We totally should. Spend all day barefoot in the sand."
"Or naked in bed."
A smacking sound followed by more giggling. "Behave."
"No."
There were a few seconds of silence. Then Tifa's voice. "It's so beautiful here."
"Not as beautiful as you."
Tifa giggled.
A soft kiss noise was heard in the background around the waves.
"I love you, Cloud. I'm forever yours."
Calm.
Serene.
Peace.
Cloud's eyes fluttered open. It barely took a second to figure out where he was.
The Lifestream.
He made it.
He passed to the other side.
Now all he had to do was—
"Cloud! Over here!"
He knew that voice.
It might have been years since he heard it, but he knew that voice so well.
Aerith.
He smiled at her as she practically skipped in his direction to hug him. A hug he returned. "Is everybody else…"
"Shh, come with me." She interrupted him.
Taking his hand, she led him along. They passed people he didn't know. People of all ages that looked like they were living their best lives.
But he knew that nobody here was alive.
Not anymore.
He looked around as Aerith squeezed his hand tightly. She was leading him somewhere.
Then she saw them.
Tifa.
Zack.
His parents.
Tifa's parents.
His eyes grew wide and he felt complete in that instant.
"Cloud! Hey man! This little girl of yours is adorable!" Zack waved frantically in their direction.
He felt Aerith let go of his hand so he could walk ahead of her. He was greeted by a tight hug from Zack. A man he missed greatly. Cloud's eyes closed as he returned the embrace of the man. It was brief.
Next, his eyes landed right on Tifa. She was by herself, wearing the dress that he selected for her to be buried in. "Where's…" he couldn't even say her name as he felt panic. Zack mentioned his little girl, but he didn't see her.
"She's here." Tifa nodded to reassure him. "She's here," she repeated a little softer as she rested her hand on his chest gently. "And you're here…" she wanted to yell at him for doing what he did, but she understood. She watched his spiral happen. They all had. She watched the way Barret and the others tried and she was forever thankful to them for trying to pull him back from the brink. She didn't want him to join them yet.
But she understood.
If the tables had been turned she was certain she would have also succumbed to the grief.
"Look at this perfect little angel."
Cloud's eyes grew wide as he felt like he was staring into a mirror. "Dad…" He only knew what he looked like from the handful of pictures that his mom had when he was growing up. "Mom…" he looked at her. She stood right beside him. In her arms was a tiny wrapped bundle.
His daughter.
"Is that…" he looked at Tifa then towards his mom in time to see her nod. He'd yet to see her. He couldn't handle any of it.
Cautiously, he moved away from his wife and closed the distance to his mother. "Here," she carefully placed the newborn into his arms.
Cloud couldn't tear his eyes off of her. She was perfect. He always pictured that she'd have his hair and Tifa's eyes. But as he looked down at her and saw how she looked up at him in awe, he had it backwards. She had dark, raven hair, just like Tifa. And her eyes were the brightest blue he'd ever seen.
"Perfect," he whispered as he cradled her.
"Yeah, she is." Tifa rested her head against Cloud's shoulder as she looked at their daughter with him.
Her bright blue eyes stared up at them. Cloud finally pulled himself away from her to look at Tifa. "I couldn't be without you and—"
A finger pressed gently against his lips. "I know. It's okay." Tifa leaned up and pressed her lips gently against his. "You're home."