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Murasaki stares at his wrist, he barely could remember how these slices looked like.
it's been so long since he last saw his blood dripping down.
He can exclaim "I'm proud of myself!" for this, she taught him to.
He's been clean a few years, and he definitely wasn't going to do it at again.
She helped him to.
Murasaki can remember the time Lare gently cleaned his wounds, meanwhile it was still unbelievable he left the door half open, it was still a memory so precious.
The carefulness, kind words, and the comfort they brought...
He liked imagining she was here, pressing the soft cotton against his skin like that time.
There was no wounds to clean, that's true, but it'd still be nice.
He glanced down at the bed where he sat, a little bowl with snacks on top of his lap.
He wasn't disgusted — if anything, he thought his choice of snacks was mediocre.
He should have bought doritos instead of noritos....
He also had a few crackers, they were tasty.
He took one and brought it to his mouth, he can eat more than a half one now!! Yay!!!
She'd be so proud of him right now... By his side, smiling at him warmly like she always did...
The thought made him smile, he'd probably tell her to shut up or something of the like.
And she'd reply she was proud of him, and he'd act like he didn't care though he did, and they'd bicker for a solid 5 minutes...
Before Murasaki could even comprehend it, he was smiling like an idiot.
A few years ago it would've been so weird to see him smile, or even show any positive emotion.
But she helped him out.
Even in death, Lare stayed on his head and heart.
He thought she was an idiot — redirecting the votes to herself to avoid killing more people, where was her sense of self preservation? Still, he couldn't deny it was one of the few things that enamored him of her.
Her stubbornness to try and protect everyone was adorable to him, honestly.
He let his mind to wander, small memories rising up.
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—Eh- Murasaki!— She called out his name before he entered the kitchen, making him perk up.
He turned around to face her, an expression of annoyance notable.
—What.—
—I know you only eat instant ramen, but!— She went inside the kitchen, searched something and came out. —I thought hand made ones were healthier.—
He looked down at the bowl, hesitating.
He couldn't let it go to waste, he'd feel horrible, but he also didn't want to seem too soft or say 'thank you'.
So he simply took it.
And went to the table to eat, he could see the varying expressions of everyone, but did he care? No, not really. It was heartwarming to him someone cared this much about him, and he'd feel horrible wasting it.
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Murasaki will never admit it but he'd do anything to try her food again. He was kind of sad he refused to while he could, but there's no changing the past unfortunately.
He couldn't change her, but she sure changed him, it was frustrating at times.
Maybe if he had said this, maybe if he had done that... If he had replied something different...
She would've comprehended that someone indeed cared about her.
Idiot, idiot. Why did you die in front of my eyes now? Right when I was going to...
Idiot.
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Though those feelings resurfaced from time to time, really, what Murasaki felt was a sense of longing, he wanted her alive, next to his side.
That would never happen.
But it was sweet to imagine it.
Murasaki wasn't "delusional", he simply wanted her back yet understood that after death you can't just come back.
But he also thanked the killing game for existing.
If it weren't for it, even if he was depressive for a long while, he had met Lare there.
He found and lost her.
He was happier about finding her than sadder about losing her.
She taught him a lot of stuff, comforted him when he needed, and he wanted to give it back.
Now all he can do is stare at himself, and say hes proud of himself, because he knows that's what would have made Lare the happiest, for him to heal from the wounds of the past, to look on the mirror and call the reflection "Murasaki", rather than just "You".
His reflection feels right, like it belongs to him.
His body belongs to him.
But his heart belongs to her.
It was a bit sad, loving a dead person, but he didn't really mind.
It wasn't any dead person, it was Lare. It was Lauren Sakitsi. He wasn't crazy for loving Lauren Sakitsi, who wouldn't?
If everyone met her, he's sure a few people would love her too.
Maybe less than he did, or more, but they would.
He looked at the tv in front of him, reminding himself he was on his house.
He un-paused the movie, and kept watching.
The thought of Lare wouldn't leave his mind, though.