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The bottle of pills is rattled. The top screwed off. Swallow. It is screwed back on. A head hits a pillow.
—
The sun illuminates your wicked smile. Truly, I hate you. “You have the tongue of a liar”, you reproach. We’ve been here for way too long. Sat at the edge of the pier one June. Our feet prune. Finally laughing and starring out into the open.
We’ve haven’t nearly exhausted this reprieve. I’m not naive. Should we leave, we’d know neither how nor where to. “Oh, you did not just-” you splash me again. “But I did” you taunt. Salty water is splashed so fast. Turning the world into a mirage of clear shimmering crystals. I can scarcely see where to aim at. Content with splattering water all around me like a little child.
We’ve grown up quickly. In the days of yore, you couldn't even bring yourself to hurt a fly. And now your attacks are indiscriminate. Won’t you be considerate? We’re shivering. Our clothes stick to our bones. We’re shivering. Whilst everyone else grows wings to soar, the skin between our joints stretches into fins to keep us under.
Thus, we can only hope to escape by putting one foot in front of the other as hard and fast as our burning lungs allow for. As we sprint who cares? As we sprint where to? As I sprint the immovable stretches and blurs after you. The colours all blend into a blinding white. You’re the only god I pray to and you’re a fool.
“Tell me what to do about you.” I flirt. “About me? What about you?”. My hand carefully ventures to your golden lit cheek. It jerks as if anticipating succumbing to your ice. But once warmth meets cold it melts a lone tear stuck in your jade eye instead. It follows the hills and valleys of your face and from your set jaw it falls into the ocean. Becoming a part of the waves crashing onto our feet.
It washes over me. “I just thought... I’m sorry”. My words say one thing my eyes another. Brashly I tug back my hand from where it found solace. “Yeah...” you look away. Your eyes reveal what you can’t bring your tongue to form. Should this change anything between us? Would it make you evade my gaze? Could I still –
in the spur of the moment your nimble fingers enclose my wrist and tug mine to rest on your now flushed cheek again. “Kiss me!” you demand. It’s always this way? You tugging and me falling? I acquiesce for the hell of it. Face to face, mouth on mouth and eyes pinned on each other I wonder. Why did we have to travel all the way to some distant pier looking over well I don’t know what ocean to escape when your lips when your eyes? When your loving eyes hide worlds in them?
—
Home is a pin rusting through a map. I trace the creases. Did you know that I kept it? Stole your view of the world but kept my intrinsic fear. Stole your lips. To steal is to find. Yet I couldn't keep you here. Just thought you might. Might love me enough. Enough to want to stay. With you my four walls would have a floor to stand on. Maybe it’d be of some use to me seeing as I’m sinking further and faster into the depths of my longing. Cursed with a blessing. You’re the end and start of my sentences, you. Cursed to utter worn wishes of your return ad nihil.
Counting sheep? Look at us we got pocket money! Grown homosapiens of 17. Fuck it’s all so cheap. We counted light in the night sky like money and spent it sparingly. That’s why we were always short a few degrees when we smiled. “Out there, somewhere far we could have it all” you’d say and then send a short prayer to the universe under your breath. Did you know I prayed for you to stay? You’re my god. For you to end where you started? “Forgive me for I have sinned” or don’t. Even hell can get comfy once you’ve settled in.
—
We’d often ask ourselves where all twelve thousand inhabitants of this dump were. There’s a store or a few for necessities, a football field to tame beastly men, a cemetery to admire, and scarcely a new face. Had we learned all twelve thousand faces or were they locked up in their weathered houses? Is it the fragility of bones or the mindkiller fear that kept them? It’s what tethers me now stuck on my jade green sofa across from the unknown world.
How old was I then? Running up and down the house with coloured pencils dragging against the tapestry? My vision is led to markings on a door frame. If my eyes don’t deceive me the child matches up with about five? We grew up quickly. In the days of yore, we were in love.
One wishes to ignore that growth isn’t sustainable. After thirty one forgets the number on the cake. After growth comes decay, deterioration. And my joints are so weak and my spirits are so low. Soon enough my wrinkled eyelids will slowly close from exhaustion. It feels as if it has happened 20 years all the same. I miss the thrill of lies the truth escaping from the eyes. Your giggles through the telephone. Won’t you ring? This town’s changed. The people dress and act so strange. And all of life is rearranged