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“What are you thinking about?”
Now that’s a good question, Chris thought to himself as he looked up to meet the achingly familiar icy gaze. Chris thought about a lot of things lately, things that he’d rather not say out loud, thank you very much.
He thought about how he was never going to win gold at the Grand Prix Final if his choreography doesn’t push the limits that Viktor set every year. He thought about how much longer before he’d have to touch up the hair dye in his undercut. He thought of mundane, boring things.
But right now, it was anything but mundane. He was thinking that even though he was lying against Viktor as the adrenaline from their heated entanglement drained, he was still craving more. He wanted more than the sex, the secretive kisses behind closed doors and watching Viktor “date” all of the eligible bachelorettes. He was thinking that he wanted more. Needed more.
But most of all, he was thinking about how in love with Viktor Nikiforov he was.
“I’ll never tell. It’s part of my mysterious persona.” Chris joked softly with only a slight hesitation that he knew Viktor would immediately catch. He didn't question it but he did probe just a bit deeper, like Chris was sure he would.
“Right. Of course. So, you must be thinking about something embarrassing then or...something you don’t want to talk to me about.” He raised his brow, waiting for the confirmation of his observation that they both knew laid bare in Chris' heart. He gets rewarded with a dramatically flabbergasted Chris. He smirked slightly, his thumb rubbing over the man’s tanned hip.
Damn him.
“Why do you want to get into my head so bad, Viktor?” Chris asked, looking up from where he was nuzzled against the silver haired man. He didn't mean for it to come out so demanding but he realized how it sounds just as Viktor’s face fell. Shit. He quickly backtracked with a heavy sigh, his teeth chewing at his bottom lip as the nerves started to coil in his stomach.
“I want more, Viktor.” The words were barely above a whisper, just a breathless confession of something that was aching in Chris' chest.
There was a moment of silence and Viktor chuckled, leaning in to press a hot and slow kiss to Chris’ neck. “Well then, why didn’t you say so-“
“That’s not what I mean.” Chris interjected softly, the words shaking slightly as his heart hammered in his chest, feeling Viktor's kiss freezing on his neck. He couldn't see Viktor but he could practically hear the gears turning in the man's head, each second like a rolling of thunder slamming against his slightly heaving chest. There was a long and tense silence before he pulled away to look at the Swiss man, his expression furrowed in realization. He didn't speak or move from his spot around Chris, so Chris continued despite the pit in his stomach aching.
“I want more. I want to go out on dates with you and walk with you down the street. I want to hold your hand and kiss you anytime I want, no matter who’s around. I don’t want to be a secret anymore. I...I want to love you. I want more...with you.” Chris finally took a moment to breathe, the emotion welling inside his throat as it ached from the emotion he was feeling. It didn't help that Viktor was looking at him with the saddest expression and Chris couldn't help but have the fear of rejection hammering inside his heart.
Viktor must've seen it because he quickly responded, surprising even Chris of his words in this delicate moment. “I do too, Chris. I want all of those things and more, I really do...”
Chris could feel his heart leap at Viktor’s words and finally, he thought. He could finally love Viktor the way he’s been wanting to for ages.
“...but we can’t.” The words and tight, emotion spilling into every syllable and Chris could feel Viktor’s grip tighten slightly on his waist.
“Why not?” Chris asked in an almost desperate tone, the brief high of Viktor’s previous words crashing down and burning around him. He could feel his eyes start to burn and Viktor was still looking at him with such sadness in his eyes but there was also hurt there too. The juxtaposition of the expression and the words he spoke made Chris feel dizzy and thankful he was laying down. “Why, Viktor?”
“I can’t leave Russia, Chris. Not because I don’t want to but I can’t. If I do, not only will I lose all of my sponsors but I could face legal action.” Viktor whispered, his voice keeping the tightness as he explained. He must have seen the confusion on Chris’ face because he continued quickly. “Homosexuality is deemed a mental illness here, Chris. There’s no laws protecting us if we got jumped on the way home. Please don’t think I don’t want you, I do. I want you with all of myself. I-“ He takes a deep breath, meets Chris’ wide gaze and smiles hopelessly.
“I love you.”
Chris’ heart hammered against his chest and he could feel the love spreading throughout his body as his smile broke over his face. “You...you love me?”
Viktor sighed with a soft smile and nodded. “Of course I do.” His expression held, his eyes chasing every detail of Chris’ face before his smile lacked. “I’m working on getting away, Chris. I really am. But...I don’t know if it’ll work. And if it does, I don’t know how long it’ll take. Can you...can you trust me and wait for me, just a little while longer?” He asked, his thumb brushing across Chris’ jaw gently.
Chris leaned in and pressed a kiss against Viktor’s supple lips softly, putting in all of his emotions that he could give in the simple yet profound gesture. “Of course I can.” He murmured against Viktor’s lips, his breath hitching as he readied himself for his next words.
“Because I love you too. No matter what Russia thinks about it.”