Chapter Text
The kaleidoscope of emotions that had so violently surged in Mike throughout the entirety of Will’s startling revelation still clings to him as he pedals as fast as his legs will allow toward home. Almost immediately afterwards, when someone realized that their ragtag team of unconventional heroes may be short on provisions, Mike nearly fell over himself volunteering to pick them up.
Since no one really knew how long it would take until the “beanstalk” would come close enough for the team to make their move (and the Upside Down was not a great place to be short on blankets or bullets), their pending departure by way of Murray’s truck had been delayed a bit. And for once, Mike’s impatient self couldn’t have been more relieved. The last thing he needed was to rush into a cramped trailer with Will (because screw everybody else). A nagging feeling in the back of his head was telling Mike that, even if he stayed as far from Will as humanly possible in such a small space, it would still be nowhere near far enough. He’d suffocate just from breathing that same recycled air.
Even now, a few miles out, he still feels too close, though with each passing yard, his head clears a little more.
Memories of Will’s speech replay themselves in Mike’s mind alongside the memories of so many other little moments in the past, little signs and signals he’d been too stupid to notice or interpret correctly. He recalls how Will’s watery eyes had connected with his and that feeling…like they were the only two people in the room for a split second, before it hit Mike like a goddamn wrecking ball just how many other bodies were in there with them, causing him to suppress his encouraging smile and don his most convincing poker face.
But Mike was a Dungeon Master, not a card shark, and surely, anyone paying any attention at all would take note of his wide-eyed stares, his trembling hands, his nervous gulps, and the way his pupils darted downward before gluing themselves back on Will’s face. Thank god everyone had been so focused on Will in that moment. Why in the ever-loving fuck were so many people there in the first place? Oh, right. Because Mike had stupidly run off to gather every single person in sight without bothering to ask what Will had meant by “everyone.”
When the other members of the Party had run up to hug Will, Mike had hesitated. As if the pit in his stomach, the emotional war that suddenly raged within him, had temporarily glued his sneakers to the floor with the sheer weight of an entirely new dimension of possibilities.
Guilt. The wind rushes through Mike’s hair as he turns a sharp corner on his bike, cooling his overheated skin. Why did he feel so guilty all of a sudden? Any normal kid in rural Indiana wouldn’t have any reason to suspect such a thing about their childhood best friend. Not when the only allusions to homosexuality in one’s life were a combination of crude slurs and news stories linking “those people” only with a horrendous disease that many, Mike’s own father included, not-so-subtly implied they deserved. All the connotations were so overwhelmingly negative, and Will was, without a doubt, the most overwhelmingly positive force in Mike’s entire life. Will was the kindest, warmest, and most mesmerizing person in all of Hawkins. And probably in all of the known universe. Maybe even the unknown universe, too.
So, really, how would Mike have known? Except, Mike recognizes with a grimace, he really should have figured it out before now, because he isn’t just your average Hoosier. Mike has been to other worlds. Hell, he’s even been to California, for god’s sake. And, though his grades may not always reflect it, he possesses the same keen intellect as his older sister. The same innate ability to connect the dots. So, the fact of the matter is that Mike hadn’t connected the dots because he hadn’t wanted to connect them.
And he isn’t a kid anymore. Neither is Will. Mike gulps again at that particular thought, wondering if he should repress the mental image of just how broad Will’s shoulders had become over the course of the past year. Repress the lingering intrusive thoughts about how much deeper his voice had gotten. How the sound of it occasionally sends involuntary tingles from some unknown crevasse in his brain, traveling down his spine to places Mike had thought were only reserved for daydreams about girls. And yet…
As Mike pulled into the driveway to his house, Will’s words echoed, yet again, inside his skull: “I had this crush on someone even though I know they're not like me.”
It couldn’t mean what he’s thinking it means. It just couldn’t. There were so many other guys out there, way better looking and so much less awkward than nerdy, gangly Mike. But he couldn’t seem to shake the thought, couldn’t dismiss the theory altogether when so many mental puzzle pieces were sliding into each other so seamlessly. If only he had some way to confirm it. Some kind of smoking gun.
“Mike!”
He turns around swiftly, hand on the doorknob, at the familiar, feminine voice, breathlessly calling out to him, and sees El, sprinting toward him at an almost-superhuman pace.
----
Will sits cross-legged behind a tree, leaning against the rough bark and taking drawn-out, calming breaths. It’s going to be ok, he keeps repeating to himself mentally. But, damn, he still couldn’t believe he’d actually done that. As terrifying and heart-wrenching as it had been, the aftermath had honestly been better than he could have ever hoped, and he still felt the lingering caress of that sweet relief flowing through every vein in his stupid, broken, treacherous body. If he could declare his sexuality to everyone he ever cared about, with what seemed like half the town thrown in to boot, without dying on the spot from embarrassment, taking on Vecna would be a piece of cake.
As if he’d lost every ounce of sanity he once may or may not have possessed, Will suddenly started laughing quietly, and a little maniacally, to himself. He had almost run after Mike when he realized he hadn’t exactly explained what “everyone” meant to him. But Mike was taller and faster; he always had been, so Will knew it was already too late by the time Mike had taken off to gather the troops. Of course, Mike would have thought he was calling a meeting about some kind of strategy thing. And honestly, maybe it was better that way. It felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Like he could literally fly now if he really put his mind to it.
Mike.
One tinge of anxiety still tethered Will firmly to the earth.
Mike’s face during the confession. Was it Will’s imagination, or was it so much more serious than the rest of the party? In all honesty, his vision had been pretty blurry, so he just really couldn’t trust himself to say for sure. He still couldn’t believe it, that he had very nearly confessed. It was the closest he’d ever get to revealing his true feelings to Mike, but he really didn’t say it coherently enough for Mike to get it, did he? Still, Mike was smart when he needed to be, and the way he almost instantly dashed off afterward made Will wonder if he’d scared off his best friend for good.
It would be ok, though, Will rationalizes. The important thing was that Mike had joined the lovefest that followed his confession, even if it seemed he was purposely keeping himself at a distance (a relief, really). They were still in this fight together. It was fine if Mike was a little…disgusted. Normal, even. Will could accept that. He could accept his broken heart and do what he needed to do. Because his heart had been broken for so long already, it was as intrinsic a part of him as the birthmark on his upper thigh or the near-constant sense of otherness that had haunted him for much longer than the Mind Flayer had.
Will smiled to himself as an elusive ray of the setting sun burst through the clouds and painted the field outside the radio station with a warm hue.
Even if not everyone in his life could accept him completely for who he really was, he was finally learning to accept himself, and that was enough. It had to be.
----
“How the hell did you get here so fast?” Mike asks El, more than just a little flabbergasted as she follows him nonchalantly into the house.
“I ran,” El responds flatly, not even sounding a little bit out of breath.
Damn. Mike knew her training with Hopper was intense, but this was incredible.
His head was still so full and so focused on the task at hand, Mike somehow couldn’t manage to form any additional words and began frantically running around his eerily uninhabited and bloodstained house, gathering what was needed while trying not to add dwelling on what had happened to his parents and Holly to his already frazzled mental state. El simply followed along like a shadow, helpfully taking much heavier loads than Mike was capable of carrying to the car.
It’s in Mike’s own room that he finally breaks his silence, gathering some spare sweaters that had always been a bit big on him, thinking they might fit Will (because god forbid Will get cold, he hates being cold). He realizes El is staring at him intently as he breaks his own gaze on one of his favorite oversized sweaters that his stupid, chaotic brain decided to create a mental image of Will wearing.
“El…” Mike sputters as his face suddenly burns scarlet.
What the hell is wrong with him? The simple thought of Will in his sweater is suddenly tearing him apart, while the girl he had convinced himself he was in love with for so long stood just feet from him, looking like she could read every ridiculously inappropriate thought infiltrating his consciousness.
“Why are you here?” Mike finally spits out, forcing himself to look El in the eyes.
El cocks her head to the side and answers after a brief hesitation, “I think we need to break up. Officially.”
Mike’s jaw drops as he’s hit with the second gut punch of the day, “What?”
“We should have done this a long time ago, Mike.” El’s voice comes out as softly as a whisper, “You are not in love with me, I do not think you ever have been. Not really. And I know I said the words, and they were not lies, but I do not think I was ever really in love with you either. I did not understand the difference at first, but loving someone is not the same as being in love with them. I don’t want us to keep lying to each other about that. I don’t want us to keep lying to ourselves.”
El pauses, wiping the tears suddenly rolling down her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket, and Mike realizes he’s crying too. He closes the distance between them and brings El into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” he croaks out, “I’m so, so sorry, El.”
“It’s ok.”
“But it’s not!” Mike takes one half step back, his hands gripping El’s arms as if he’s adrift at sea and she’s the last lifebuoy on earth, “It hasn’t been fair for you. Like, at all. I mean, I was lying to myself, but in doing that, I lied to you too. And I feel so stupid, but I’m not that stupid. I should have…you just…”
Mike’s stomach is doing somersaults, and it’s so hard, but he needs to verbally purge himself of these feelings and secrets that he’s never even admitted to himself.
“What is it?” El’s teary eyes are alert and glued to Mike’s.
“You were…No. You are incredible, El.” Mike continues, “I saw you as a superhero come to life who could take me away from this shitty world and into a fantasy – like in my comics. I think maybe I was…infatuated. And if you were with me, it meant I was worth being a part of that fantastic world. But fighting monsters in real life sucks. And your powers aren’t everything you are. They’ve always been more of a curse than a gift for you, haven’t they? I put you on a pedestal and kept convincing myself that we were meant to be together to distract myself from…”
In an instant, a wave of dizziness and nausea at what he almost revealed nearly brings Mike to his knees, and he lets go of El’s arms, stumbling backwards. His focus fixates for a moment, not on El, but on the space between them. At his shaking hands, no longer clinging to her. To the lie.
He isn’t strong enough.
He is going to fucking drown.
Mike sprints to his bedroom window with El-like speed, unlatches it, and flings it open just in time. He feels a gentle touch on his back as El, with even more impeccable timing, gathers his hair out of his face seconds before Mike violently hurls the entire contents of his stomach, bile and all, onto his parents’ front yard until he’s dry heaving. El disappears for a bit when the worst is over, and Mike is slumped on the floor, back against the wall under his window. She reappears with a towel and a toothbrush and a glass of water, which Mike gratefully accepts as he tries his best to remember how to breathe.
“Feeling better?” El asks after a while, awkwardly and cautiously patting Mike’s head like he’s a stray dog with a skin condition.
“Um…To be determined,” Mike utters hoarsely as he takes a careful sip of water.
How the hell had Will been able to do what he’d just done? Mike is abruptly hit by the ludicrousness of it all. Here he is panicking about simply admitting he might not be straight to himself and El, the person who gives less of a shit about societal norms than anyone else he knows, while Will had full-on told a whole-ass room full of people he’s straight-up gay. A room that included Murray, Mr. Clarke, Steve, some girl none of them had ever met before…
Will the Wise…More like Will the Brave. Oh, how the tables have turned.
“El,” he looks back up at his friend, “I really am sorry. None of this was fair to you. I’ve been a complete jackass, and now I can barely hold it together.” He cracks a grin brought on by what he can only assume is madness, “I did like you a lot, I mean, I still like you, just not how a boyfriend should like his girlfriend. But kissing you was so much fun, I swear. It made me think I was normal. That I could have a normal relationship with a girl. I convinced myself that you were all I wanted without even bothering to question it because I didn’t want to question it.”
El smiles back at him, and it’s genuine this time, not forced, “I think I’ve known that for a long time, Mike. Now say it.”
“What?”
“If Will can say what he said in front of everybody, you can do it in front of just me.”
Mike inhales sharply and then gulps before letting out a strangled, “But what if I don’t even know what it is I have to say? What if I’m still…confused?”
“Then figure it out fast, the world could literally end any second,” El snaps before rubbing her temples as if to relieve a bullshit-induced tension headache à la Mike Wheeler, before taking a kinder tone and backpedaling, “I mean…You don’t have to have yourself one hundred percent figured out. But there’s something I need you to say to me. The reason you needed to be in a relationship with me so badly. The reason you’re freaking out right now. No more excuses. No more lies. You’re not stupid, Mike. Just scared. Which is crazy, because you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met.”
And so, he finally says it. Quietly, and a little gruffly, the words almost getting caught in his throat on the way out.
“I like Will.”
“Ok, but we all like Will,” El raises an eyebrow, a mischievous grin spreading across her face, as if she’s reveling in Mike’s torment.
Mike can feel his face going red as his empty stomach roils the few sips of water he’d just taken, and he can’t help but think that this is exactly what he deserves for being such a complete idiot all these years. But El’s smile is taunting in the friendliest way, encouraging Mike to sit up straighter and try again.
He clears his throat and states in a louder, but still shaky, voice, “I don’t like Will the same way you guys all do. I like him, like him. Which is confusing, because I kinda like girls a little too. At least, I thought I did. Just not as much as I like Will. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anybody as much as I like Will. I think I…”
Mike blinks rapidly as his brain computes something unthinkable.
“You think you what?” El leans forward, taking Mike’s fidgeting hands into hers.
“I think I’m in love with Will.”
The words hang heavy in the air for a few seconds until El breaks the silence with an even bigger bombshell.
“I think Will might be in love with you, too, Mike.”
“Not sure how I would even begin to deserve that,” Mike chokes out. “Will is literally…Oh my god, El, I haven’t even processed any of this. But like, Will is literally so out of my league. He’s gotten so handsome the past couple of years, and I have like, literally the weirdest face…” Now it’s El’s turn to look shocked. “No, like, I’m serious, El. Will always got called gay by bullies at school, like, in a bad way – which is fucking stupid, ignorant bullshit. But me, I just got called an ugly nerd, and I swear I look the exact same. And now, on top of all that, Will is a motherfucking Sorcerer. I would be somewhere in a demigorgon’s digestive tract right now without him because I’m honestly pretty useless in battle, if I’m being real with myself.”
“Oh, so it was ok for me to date ugly, useless Mike, but Will’s too good for that? Got it.” El practically cackles, “You really do have it bad, Mike Wheeler. And maybe ‘it’ even includes a superhero kink too.”
“How do you even know that word!?” Mike sputters, thinking he might die right then and there. “But I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with Will since way before he got powers. Will… I could be imagining it, but I think he looked right at me when he mentioned having a crush on someone, but it was all so vague and confusing. How can I be sure he was talking about me?”
“You and Will are both pretty obviously into each other from my perspective,” El offers up in a helpful tone. “But why don’t you ask him yourself?”
Mike scoffs at the idea. As if he hasn’t already been through enough today. The last thing he needs is to pencil in the very real possibility of cold, harsh rejection to his already packed schedule of saving the motherfucking world. El is standing up and moving toward the door, and Mike shakily stands up to follow her. They really should get a move on. But then his eyes fall on something hanging on his wall. The smoking gun?
“Hey, El?” Mike calls out, causing her to turn toward him and then follow his gaze to the colorful painting on the wall. A painting of four boys, with Mike fearlessly leading the group. “Did you commission that painting for me?”
El’s brows furrow in confusion, “Mike, I have never seen that painting in my life.”
This time, instead of gaining color, Mike’s face loses pretty much all of it. Good thing El had brought him that glass of water. If he were any less hydrated, he would definitely have passed out on the spot.